Fifty Bab Ballads Part 21

Old PETER was a decent man, And though he twigged his lady's plan, Yet, hearing her approaching, he Resumed invisibility.

"Dear MRS. P., my only joy,"

Exclaimed the horrified old boy, "Now, give them up, I beg of you - You know what I'm referring to!"

But no; the cross old lady swore She'd keep his--what I said before - To make him publicly absurd; And MRS. PETER kept her word.

The poor old fellow had no rest; His coat, his stick, his shoes, his vest, Were all that now met mortal eye - The rest, invisibility!

"Now, madam, give them up, I beg - I've had rheumatics in my leg; Besides, until you do, it's plain I cannot come to sight again!

"For though some mirth it might afford To see my clothes without their lord, Yet there would rise indignant oaths If he were seen without his clothes!"

But no; resolved to have her quiz, The lady held her own--and his - And PETER left his humble cot To find a pair of--you know what.

But--here's the worst of the affair - Whene'er he came across a pair Already placed for him to don, He was too stout to get them on!

So he resolved at once to train, And walked and walked with all his main; For years he paced this mortal earth, To bring himself to decent girth.

At night, when all around is still, You'll find him pounding up a hill; And shrieking peasants whom he meets, Fall down in terror on the peats!

Old PETER walks through wind and rain, Resolved to train, and train, and train, Until he weighs twelve stone' or so - And when he does, I'll let you know.

Ballad: THE MYSTIC SELVAGEE.

Perhaps already you may know SIR BLENNERHa.s.sET PORTICO?

A Captain in the Navy, he - A Baronet and K.C.B.

You do? I thought so!

It was that Captain's favourite whim (A notion not confined to him) That RODNEY was the greatest tar Who ever wielded capstan-bar.

He had been taught so.

"BENBOW! CORNWALLIS! HOOD!--Belay!

Compared with RODNEY"--he would say - "No other tar is worth a rap!

The great LORD RODNEY was the chap The French to polish!

"Though, mind you, I respect LORD HOOD; CORNWALLIS, too, was rather good; BENBOW could enemies repel, LORD NELSON, too, was pretty well - That is, tol-lol-ish!"

SIR BLENNERHa.s.sET spent his days In learning RODNEY'S little ways, And closely imitated, too, His mode of talking to his crew - His port and paces.

An ancient tar he tried to catch Who'd served in RODNEY'S famous batch; But since his time long years have fled, And RODNEY'S tars are mostly dead: Eheu fugaces!

But after searching near and far, At last he found an ancient tar Who served with RODNEY and his crew Against the French in 'Eighty-two, (That gained the peerage).

He gave him fifty pounds a year, His rum, his baccy, and his beer; And had a comfortable den Rigged up in what, by merchantmen, Is called the steerage.

"Now, JASPER"--'t was that sailor's name - "Don't fear that you'll incur my blame By saying, when it seems to you, That there is anything I do That RODNEY wouldn't."

The ancient sailor turned his quid, Prepared to do as he was bid: "Ay, ay, yer honour; to begin, You've done away with 'swifting in' - Well, sir, you shouldn't!

"Upon your spars I see you've clapped Peak halliard blocks, all iron-capped.

I would not christen that a crime, But 'twas not done in RODNEY'S time.

It looks half-witted!

Upon your maintop-stay, I see, You always clap a selvagee!

Your stays, I see, are equalized - No vessel, such as RODNEY prized, Would thus be fitted!

"And RODNEY, honoured sir, would grin To see you turning deadeyes in, Not UP, as in the ancient way, But downwards, like a cutter's stay - You didn't oughter; Besides, in seizing shrouds on board, Breast backstays you have quite ignored; Great RODNEY kept unto the last Breast backstays on topgallant mast - They make it tauter."

SIR BLENNERHa.s.sET "swifted in,"

Turned deadeyes up, and lent a fin To strip (as told by JASPER KNOX) The iron capping from his blocks, Where there was any.

SIR BLENNERHa.s.sET does away, With selvagees from maintop-stay; And though it makes his sailors stare, He rigs breast backstays everywhere - In fact, too many.

One morning, when the saucy craft Lay calmed, old JASPER toddled aft.

"My mind misgives me, sir, that we Were wrong about that selvagee - I should restore it."

"Good," said the Captain, and that day Restored it to the maintop-stay.

Well-practised sailors often make A much more serious mistake, And then ignore it.

Next day old JASPER came once more: "I think, sir, I was right before."

Well, up the mast the sailors skipped, The selvagee was soon unshipped, And all were merry.

Again a day, and JASPER came: "I p'r'aps deserve your honour's blame, I can't make up my mind," said he, "About that cursed selvagee - It's foolish--very.

"On Monday night I could have sworn That maintop-stay it should adorn, On Tuesday morning I could swear That selvagee should not be there.

The knot's a rasper!"

"Oh, you be hanged," said CAPTAIN P., "Here, go ash.o.r.e at Caribbee.

Get out--good bye--shove off--all right!"

Old JASPER soon was out of sight - Farewell, old JASPER!

Ballad: PHRENOLOGY.

"Come, collar this bad man - Around the throat he knotted me Till I to choke began - In point of fact, garotted me!"

So spake SIR HERBERT WRITE To JAMES, Policeman Thirty-two - All ruffled with his fight SIR HERBERT was, and dirty too.

Policeman nothing said (Though he had much to say on it), But from the bad man's head He took the cap that lay on it.

"No, great SIR HERBERT WHITE - Impossible to take him up.

This man is honest quite - Wherever did you rake him up?

"For Burglars, Thieves, and Co., Indeed, I'm no apologist, But I, some years ago, a.s.sisted a Phrenologist.

"Observe his various b.u.mps, His head as I uncover it: His morals lie in lumps All round about and over it."

"Now take him," said SIR WHITE, "Or you will soon be rueing it; Bless me! I must be right, - I caught the fellow doing it!"

Policeman calmly smiled, "Indeed you are mistaken, sir, You're agitated--riled - And very badly shaken, sir.

"Sit down, and I'll explain My system of Phrenology, A second, please, remain" - (A second is horology).