Fifty Bab Ballads Part 11

What though I suffer toothache's ills?

What though I swallow countless pills?

Never YOU mind!

Roll on!

Roll on, thou ball, roll on!

Through seas of inky air Roll on!

It's true I've got no shirts to wear; It's true my butcher's bill is due; It's true my prospects all look blue - But don't let that unsettle you!

Never YOU mind!

Roll on!

[IT ROLLS ON.

Ballad: GENTLE ALICE BROWN.

It was a robber's daughter, and her name was ALICE BROWN, Her father was the terror of a small Italian town; Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable old thing; But it isn't of her parents that I'm going for to sing.

As ALICE was a-sitting at her window-sill one day, A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pa.s.s that way; She cast her eyes upon him, and he looked so good and true, That she thought, "I could be happy with a gentleman like you!"

And every morning pa.s.sed her house that cream of gentlemen, She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto ten; A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road (The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk from her abode).

But ALICE was a pious girl, who knew it wasn't wise To look at strange young sorters with expressive purple eyes; So she sought the village priest to whom her family confessed, The priest by whom their little sins were carefully a.s.sessed.

"Oh, holy father," ALICE said, "'t would grieve you, would it not, To discover that I was a most disreputable lot?

Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy one!"

The padre said, "Whatever have you been and gone and done?"

"I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy from its dad, I've a.s.sisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad, I've planned a little burglary and forged a little cheque, And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck!"

The worthy pastor heaved a sigh, and dropped a silent tear, And said, "You mustn't judge yourself too heavily, my dear: It's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to fleece; But sins like these one expiates at half-a-crown apiece.

"Girls will be girls--you're very young, and flighty in your mind; Old heads upon young shoulders we must not expect to find: We mustn't be too hard upon these little girlish tricks - Let's see--five crimes at half-a-crown--exactly twelve-and-six."

"Oh, father," little Alice cried, "your kindness makes me weep, You do these little things for me so singularly cheap - Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget; But, oh! there is another crime I haven't mentioned yet!

"A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty purple eyes, I've noticed at my window, as I've sat a-catching flies; He pa.s.ses by it every day as certain as can be - I blush to say I've winked at him, and he has winked at me!"

"For shame!" said FATHER PAUL, "my erring daughter! On my word This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard.

Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged your hand To a promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band!

"This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so!

They are the most remunerative customers I know; For many many years they've kept starvation from my doors: I never knew so criminal a family as yours!

"The common country folk in this insipid neighbourhood Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously good; And if you marry any one respectable at all, Why, you'll reform, and what will then become of FATHER PAUL?"

The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon his crown, And started off in haste to tell the news to ROBBER BROWN - To tell him how his daughter, who was now for marriage fit, Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it.

Good ROBBER BROWN he m.u.f.fled up his anger pretty well: He said, "I have a notion, and that notion I will tell; I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into fits, And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits.

"I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two: Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do - A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small."

He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square; He watched his opportunity, and seized him unaware; He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head, And MRS. BROWN dissected him before she went to bed.

And pretty little ALICE grew more settled in her mind, She never more was guilty of a weakness of the kind, Until at length good ROBBER BROWN bestowed her pretty hand On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band.

Ballad: MISTER WILLIAM.

Oh, listen to the tale of MISTER WILLIAM, if you please, Whom naughty, naughty judges sent away beyond the seas.

He forged a party's will, which caused anxiety and strife, Resulting in his getting penal servitude for life.

He was a kindly goodly man, and naturally p.r.o.ne, Instead of taking others' gold, to give away his own.

But he had heard of Vice, and longed for only once to strike - To plan ONE little wickedness--to see what it was like.

He argued with himself, and said, "A spotless man am I; I can't be more respectable, however hard I try!

For six and thirty years I've always been as good as gold, And now for half an hour I'll plan infamy untold!

"A baby who is wicked at the early age of one, And then reforms--and dies at thirty-six a spotless son, Is never, never saddled with his babyhood's defect, But earns from worthy men consideration and respect.

"So one who never revelled in discreditable tricks Until he reached the comfortable age of thirty-six, May then for half an hour perpetrate a deed of shame, Without incurring permanent disgrace, or even blame.

"That babies don't commit such crimes as forgery is true, But little sins develop, if you leave 'em to accrue; And he who shuns all vices as successive seasons roll, Should reap at length the benefit of so much self-control.

"The common sin of babyhood--objecting to be drest - If you leave it to acc.u.mulate at compound interest, For anything you know, may represent, if you're alive, A burglary or murder at the age of thirty-five.

"Still, I wouldn't take advantage of this fact, but be content With some pardonable folly--it's a mere experiment.

The greater the temptation to go wrong, the less the sin; So with something that's particularly tempting I'll begin.

"I would not steal a penny, for my income's very fair - I do not want a penny--I have pennies and to spare - And if I stole a penny from a money-bag or till, The sin would be enormous--the temptation being nil.

"But if I broke asunder all such pettifogging bounds, And forged a party's Will for (say) Five Hundred Thousand Pounds, With such an irresistible temptation to a haul, Of course the sin must be infinitesimally small.

"There's WILSON who is dying--he has wealth from Stock and rent - If I divert his riches from their natural descent, I'm placed in a position to indulge each little whim."

So he diverted them--and they, in turn, diverted him.

Unfortunately, though, by some unpardonable flaw, Temptation isn't recognized by Britain's Common Law; Men found him out by some peculiarity of touch, And WILLIAM got a "lifer," which annoyed him very much.

For, ah! he never reconciled himself to life in gaol, He fretted and he pined, and grew dispirited and pale; He was numbered like a cabman, too, which told upon him so That his spirits, once so buoyant, grew uncomfortably low.

And sympathetic gaolers would remark, "It's very true, He ain't been brought up common, like the likes of me and you."

So they took him into hospital, and gave him mutton chops, And chocolate, and arrowroot, and buns, and malt and hops.

Kind Clergymen, besides, grew interested in his fate, Affected by the details of his pitiable state.