What Follows 37 17.0: Planets

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I always thought and still think that people who say that you, you have it all in you. That you are in control of your universe, that you can do the impossible, are just a bunch of idiots.

I am in no way in control of my universe. Not even when I was alive. I mean, what the f.u.c.k is the point of controlling all your b.l.o.o.d.y galaxies if you can't control your f.u.c.king planet?

What's the point of trying at all if I won't get the people I want to care about me? What is the point if all I was was a crush but never an option? What should I do with all the almosts that I had absolutely no control over in my planet?

Almost love. Almost friendship. Almost daughter. Almost sister. Almost dead. Dead.

And you know, maybe I'm just sad that Sierra is dead. And mad that things didn't go the way they were supposed to, according to me. And maybe, truly, all I lacked is faith.

Faith that things would get better. That there's a reason behind every mishap. There's something, something worth going on for.

I lost faith in my planet. I didn't give myself the chance to discover the rest of my galaxies.

I just think that we're never meant to control our universes. We're meant to traverse them. Flip through the galaxies like pages in a book and skim through the planets like words.

I should've never allowed myself to get stuck on a planet. On a word.

Just like the end of anything, I can taste the end of this month in the air. I can taste the start of a new phase of my d.a.m.ning. And the unpleasantness this brings hugs my bones to dust.

I'm not in the Darkoom. And really, I don't understand time here. Is my month their month? I know for a fact that I can live a certain time at different places just fine. But I also do wonder if they have days when they don't think about me, which in turn, will make my month much shorter.

And maybe that's why I find it essential to whisper to myself ′Tobias and Benji. Benji and Tobias', every time I'm taken to a new dimension. I'd whisper in panic, scared that I'd find myself forgetful. Scared that it's all over already.

Scared that I won't get time to tell my goodbyes just yet.

And I'm standing in front of a church, my funeral's church. And no possibility other than Sierra's funeral makes sense of it.

My vision suddenly blurs and I know that my heart still carries the charred remnants of my love to her. And suddenly I wonder what people would say. I wonder what Jacob would make of our successive deaths, but all I do is hope that he doesn't even think of mourning her.

And by that I mean, I hope he comes to her funeral. Because Jacob doesn't believe in them. That would make me feel special.

I glance to my left and find Tobias' hand on my shoulder (he is draping his arm around me), and I take my time to stare at it. It's big with long, slender fingers and deeply bitten nails. I can tell that he was an anxious mess before he killed himself.

"A church," Tobias mutters to himself and I look up at him. He's looking at me doe-eyed with a petal-soft smile.

Benji circles both of us, panting excitedly.

"You're still crying," he whispers and I sigh heavily, giving in and resting my head against his chest. He responds by pulling me closer.

"How did it feel like to 'kill' Tom?" I whisper.

The question hangs in the air and I look up at Tobias who's slightly frowning and biting down his lower lip.

"It felt like being forced."

"Being forced?" I blink at him and he looks down at me with a soft, soft smile that drops quickly.

"Forced to do everything that was meant to keep me alive-" His eyes flutter and I gulp. "Forced to sleep when I can't stand to, only to sleep and be forced to wake up the next morning. Forced to attend his funeral. Forced to shove food down my throat, then forced to keep my food in when I remember my brother drenched in his vomit. Forced to drink water, the essence of life, only to force myself to imagine it as a river of tears to make me feel a little better at the pleasure it brings me-" He sighs heavily. "It just felt like I was being forced. Until I wasn't."

I close my eyes, my heart in labour with more pain. "I'm sorry."

"My parents didn't blame for it, you know?" Tobias breathes out and smiles. "I had a million other ways I could've made it easier for myself. And I chose the most destructive." He then cups my face and wipes what must be tears.

"What about poetry?" I sniff.

Tobias sighs. "It was the cherry on top," he says. "It sealed the deal. Just another reason, I thought, that would validate what I've done."

"The month is ending and I'm not ready," I say irrelevantly and lift my hands to clasp his. He flexes his loose fist and I hold his open palms to my cheeks. I hold his eyes and my lips are suddenly a trembling mess.

Tobias' face might as well be used to describe the whole human's emotion spectrum. I close my eyes because I can't, I can't look for longer.

"It is what it is," he mutters softly.

"It is-" I sob out. "It is all it is."

"I'm sorry," he whispers and I'm suddenly so hungry for his warmth, for the catch in his voice, for the speck of light in his dimmed eyes. I'm hungry for human things and that seems to shred my insides.

"Maybe we should head inside," I say instead and hear Tobias sigh heavily.

"We don't have to do this," he replies softly. "She doesn't deserve your respects."

I look down at Benji who's staring at me with wide brown eyes and pick him up, wishing I could feel the comfort his fur would've provided. I swallow away this pain, swallow away my fantasies.

"All I want to know is whether or not Jacob attended," I say, my lips pressed against Benji's fur.

"You want him to attend," Tobias asks/states and when I don't answer he sighs. "Does it matter? Why would you punish yourself for something he knows nothing of?"

I look up at him and shrug helplessly. "I don't know."

Tobias shakes his head, his eyes a.s.sessing my surroundings before he double-takes. He stares at a point behind my shoulder.

"Wh" I start, distracted, and turn to find him staring at what seems to be Joshua's back, half-concealed by a tree's branches.

"Let's go and see," Tobias says softly, taking my hand and walking across the pavement leading to the church to get into the tiny woods where we've also found Sierra hiding.

I suddenly feel dreadful.

Joshua is standing and watching Mason who's staring at him with arms crossed across his chest.

While Mason looks all tidied up to let go of his ex-lover, Joshua looks haggard in his unkempt hair, ruffled suit and loose tie. He has a bandage on the side of his face and his eyes could be two lava b.a.l.l.s jumping around the trees. His hands shake uncontrollably as he rests it on a tree's trunk for support.

Mason seems to notice his dishevelled appearance because he seems a little less angry.

"Hey," Tobias whispers in my ears, startling me terribly. "I'm right here." He reminds me and I nod at him, rolling my trembling fingers into fists.

It takes Joshua a lot of soft sighs and lip-licking before he starts talking. "I'm sorry for what you saw-"

"Yeah, you f.u.c.king my girlfriend. That's something you should be just sorry for," he says crossly and Joshua seems to find it harder to breathe.

"Mason, no," is the thing that comes out as his eyes fill up to the brim. "Mason, I hated her."

Mason looks at him disbelievingly. "Why the f.u.c.k are you lying? She's dead. So is our f.u.c.king convo-"

Joshua seems alarmed by his sudden change in mood. "Mason, wait!"

The urgency in his voice unhinges me a little and grabs Mason's attention.

"It was just a making out session with someone who called your 'love-making' one-nightstands!" Joshua says bluntly and Mason looks confused. "Do you really wanna lose me over a b.i.t.c.h like her?" He's barely holding himself together. "I can't afford that. You're all I have left-"

"Why are you throwing dirt on her name-?"

"I am not!" Joshua replies vehemently. "You don't understand." He sniffs.

"What is there to understand, Joshua?!" Mason yells. "I told you I liked her. And then I walked into you making out or s.h.a.gging. Both are terrible things to do to 'all you have left'!"

Joshua's lips float around a little as he gulps down air. "She told me- she told me different things-"

"Different things?!" Mason scoffs like he can't believe it. "And what about what I've told you?! You just...disregarded how much she's meant to me!" Mason suddenly sounds hurt instead of furious.

Joshua's face is beetroot red as he looks at Mason helplessly. "Mason, man, I'm so sorry," he tells him and maybe I can hear the air vibrating in sync with his distraught heartbeats.

Mason shakes his head. "You were my brother. My brother-"

"She's not who you think she is," Joshua says with difficulty. "Why can't you trust me on this?"

Mason looks away and runs a hand across his face. "They said you were the one who reported her death."

Jason finds it difficult to neutralise his terrified facial expression and maintain his composure. "Yes."

Mason narrows his eyes at him. "What happened?"

"Her motorcycle blew up," Joshua whispers almost inaudibly.

"How?" Mason looks confused and Joshua casts his eyes down.

"I have no clue," he confesses. "We were talking, and out of nowhere, she and her bike just burst into flames."

Mason seems to sympathize and I almost barf. "That must've been an awful way to go," he whispers and Tobias snorts.

Joshua says nothing for a while and Mason seems lost in thought.

"Maybe she deserved it," Joshua says after a while and Mason lifts his eyebrows in shock.

"Joshua, no."

"Yes, Mason. She deserves it actually," Joshua seems to be coming alive with his announcement. "She was a psychopath."

Mason looks worried as if he's questioning Joshua's sanity. "Josh-"

"She killed Roseline," he drops the bomb and Mason blinks at him.

"Josh, Rose killed herself-"

"No, no-" Joshua is already crying, his tears no longer a secret. "No, Mason, Rose was emotionally killed."

"They were best friends-"

Joshua shakes his head and rubs his eyes as he continues. "No, they weren't," he says. "Sierra hated her."

Mason frowns. "What are you saying?!"

"I'm saying that Sierra had always been jealous of her-"

"Jealous?" Mason seems baffled. "Why? Sierra was smart, beaut-"

"She had me," Joshua says, closing his eyes. "Rose had me and Sierra had loved me ever since forever-"

Mason's jaws drop. "No-"

"Yes, Mason," Joshua says sadly. "Sierra said s.h.i.t behind her back. She slowly ruined her life by defaming her-"

Mason looks too shocked to respond.

"Come on!" Joshua pushes him with teary eyes. "Can't you think, for the life of you, of something weird that she's done? Something b.i.t.c.hy?"

Mason tries to say things that are not coming out as his irises leave the present to indulge the past for a while.

"This is nuts," Tobias says from next to me and I shake my head.

"Mason shouldn't mourn her," is all I say back.

"I remember something," Mason says slowly. "But-but there's no way this would translate to something as horrible as what you're accusing her of."

Joshua clutches a bunch of hair in his hands. "What did she do?"

Mason looks down. "On our second date, the day Rose pa.s.sed away," he gulps. "We were kissing when we got the phone call-"

Joshua covers his mouth with his hand as he urges him to continue.

"I was sad, unbelievably so," Mason says, his eyes slowly watering up. "And I wanted to leave. Give both of us s.p.a.ce to cope with the news," he gestures wildly. "But-but-"

"But what?"

"But she insisted on having s.e.x anyway. As if she hadn't really processed Rose's death," he says. "And I, not wanting to lose her, obliged. I blamed it on it being her coping mechanism-"

"She never cared," Joshua whispers, exhaling shakily.

"But that's no proof whatsoever-"

Joshua looks at him sympathetically. "You wouldn't want proof-"

Mason blinks at him. "There is a proof?"

Joshua nods. "A video."

"A video?"

"Yes, a video meant to defame you too-" Joshua says and I immediately understand what he's talking about.

Mason is suddenly alert. "What video?"

"Your s.e.x tape."

Mason looks too shocked to talk. "What the f.u.c.k?"

Joshua nods and I realize he's completely changed the tape's purpose to make it more believable than a messed-up dark web game.

"How do you know all that?!" Mason recovers only to attack Joshua.

"She confessed it all before she died."

Mason makes a face. "It makes no f.u.c.king sense!"

"It doesn't! But maybe she was the one who set herself on fire and wanted to come clean to me, the love of her miserable life!" Joshua fights and I lift my eyebrows. He must've really thought this all through.

Mason says nothing for a while before he glances at Joshua and shakes his head. "You know what?" He grimaces. "I call bull-"

Joshua's figure shakes and I'm almost terrified for him. "Call it whatever you want to call it," Joshua says, his hair falling over his eyes and sweaty forehead. "I wanted to free you from mourning a selfish b.i.t.c.h-" he says venomously. "You are my only friend," he blinks. "And I think there's nothing you'd believe if you don't even trust."

Mason stares at him despondently. "You know what I see?" Joshua doesn't reply. "I see a traitor weaving lies to excuse his actions." Joshua's shoulders drop. "I see someone so pathetic and selfish to make it all about himself. Rose's suicide. Sierra's death. It's all from under your head."

"No-"

"Don't you for a second think that I don't know how you cruelly broke up with Rose!" Mason shouts and Joshua's back hits the tree.

"It's my only regret-"

"Shut up!" Mason yells. "You're not in a very good position to talk s.h.i.t like that-"

"Mason, you don't understand."

"I don't care to understand," he says harshly. He then shakes his head. "Just leave me alone, man." Joshua approaches him but Mason backs off.

Seeing the disgust in Mason's eyes, Joshua nods absently, pulls his hands behind his back and steps back.

"I'd like not to see your face," Mason adds lastly before he leaves the little woods and heads to the church.

Joshua might as well have taken a punch to his heart.

I stand in shock as he rests his forehead against the trunk and groans loudly, painfully. He then slides down the tree and sits in a pool of dead, decaying leaves. He drops his head in his trembling hands as his shoulders shake worlds with his tears.

It's too sad. It breaks my heart.

I drop Benji to the ground and look up at Tobias who has an unpleased facial expression.

"It is all it is," he mutters and I blink at Joshua.

"Do you think he deserves it?" I ask him and Tobias shrugs.

"I haven't the slightest clue," he sighs as Benji barks up at him. "But I feel for him."

Joshua is now lying on the ground in a fetal position and heaving his soul out. I tsk and reach for Tobias' hand.

It's a sad world.