Falling In Love: Why We Choose The Lovers We Choose Part 3

25.Is it true then, that people who play hard-to-get win in the game of love? Playing hard-to-get means creating challenges, putting up obstacles against being easily won. Despite the wide acceptance of this a.s.sumption, five different studies failed to find any evidence for the "hard-to-get-effect." It turns out that people like choosy partners, but only those who are choosy toward others, not toward them (Walster et al., 1973).

This conclusion was criticized on the grounds that there is a big difference between choosiness and rejection. A person who is choosy about the people he or she will go out with is different from a person who won't go out with us, which is to say a person who rejects us personally. In a study that proved this point, subjects, all single, received information about members of the opposite s.e.x that differed in their levels of choosiness. The "very choosy"

were described as ready to go out only with people of "exceptional"

quality. The "choosy," selective about their friends, were not willing to go out with just anyone. The "not choosy" were willing to go out with practically anyone. Findings showed that subjects were most attracted to the people who were described as choosy, and were not attracted to the very choosy people, who were perceived to be sn.o.bs. Women were even more likely than men to respond negatively to "very choosy" potential dates (Wright & Contrada, 1986). These results, partially confirming folk wisdom, suggest that women, but not men, should play hard-to-get.

MOOD AND LOVE.

When we are in a good mood we tend to feel good about the people around us. When we feel happy, satisfied, excited, interested, curious, we show greater interest in people and are friendlier and more open than when we are sad, depressed, or despairing (Clark &Watson, 1988). Our mood also influences our romantic attraction (Kaplan, 1981).

Music is one of the things known to influence mood. It was shown that with pleasant music in the background, women looking at photographs of men they didn't know, rated their attractiveness higher than women did who rated the photographs with no music in the background. The former women liked the men more and found them more physically attractive. On the other hand, women who listened to unpleasant music liked the men less and found them less attractive. In other words, the mood evoked by the music influenced the women's willingness to be attracted to men as well 26 as the women's judgments of the men's attractiveness (May & Hamilton, 1980).

Hearing good or bad news also has an effect on our moods and consequently on our feelings toward other people. People who hear good news that lifts their spirits respond to strangers more than those who hear news that depresses them (Veitch & Griffitt, 1976). The same effect on attraction can be seen when people watch happy or sad movies. Once again, a good mood enhances attraction (Gouaux, 1971). When people are depressed or nervous, regardless of the reason for these feelings, they like less the people they meet and evaluate them more negatively (Shapiro, 1988).

Our mood influences our feelings as well as our behavior toward people. Men who received a good-mood treatment-watching a funny movie and receiving a positive evaluation of themselves- or the bad-mood treatment-watching a depressing movie and receiving a negative evaluation-responded very differently to a young and attractive woman who started talking to them. The men in the "good mood" group responded to her much more positively than did the men in the "bad mood" group. The former were friendlier, more open, and more ready to talk to her (Cunningham, 1988).

What is the reason for the influence of mood on attraction?

At the most basic, most simplistic level, we love everyone and everything that makes us feel good, and we dislike everyone and everything that makes us feel bad. Our attraction and repulsion are based on the feelings, either good or bad, that are generated in us.

At a more complex level, we not only respond to the person, object, or event that is directly responsible for our emotional reaction, but also to every unknown person or neutral object that was present when our strong emotions were aroused. The stranger or the neutral object becomes related in our minds with the good or bad feeling. This connection is called conditioning. After conditioning has occurred, the person or the object continues to generate the same emotion in us (Clore & Byrne, 1974). This is why we like a stranger who just happens to be around when we hear good news. The person is not responsible for our good mood, the good news is. Nevertheless, we make a connection between the person and the good feeling we have while hearing the news, and our feelings toward the person change accordingly.

The conditioning effect is so powerful that even a washed and pressed shirt worn by a despised person ranked as far less desirable than a washed and pressed shirt that was worn by a person who AROUSAL, THE ELIXIR OF LOVE 27.was loved and admired. In other words, a contact between a neutral object and a person who generates in us either very good or very bad feelings is enough for the feeling to be transferred to an object as neutral even as a clean shirt (Rozin et al., 1986).

THE AROUSAL CAUSED BY EXPECTING ROMANTIC LOVE.

We live in a culture that builds in us great expectations for, and from, romantic love. Expressions such as "love at first sight," "a match made in heaven," and "made for each other," are familiar to all of us and generate high expectations of romantic love and falling in love. A recent poll showed that over 56 percent of the people polled believed in love at first sight; my a.n.a.lysis of the romantic attraction interviews showed that only 11 percent actually experienced it.3 Most people growing up in a Western culture know what romantic love is and have experienced it at one time or another in their lives. For many people, romantic love is one of the most powerful positive emotions ever felt. Some believe that love can answer the question of human existence, celebrate the freedom of choice and pursuit of happiness, and provide the best basis for marriage (Pines, 1996).

In the early part of this chapter I presented the two-factor theory of love. Let me end the chapter with a three-factor theory of love.

The third factor is the role of social expectations. social expectations. According to the theory, the three requirements for falling in love are: 1) a social-cultural background that builds the expectation to fall in love; 2) an appropriate candidate in terms of such things as appearance, personality, background, and values; and, 3) arousal that gets the label romantic love (Hartfield & Rapson, 1993). According to the theory, the three requirements for falling in love are: 1) a social-cultural background that builds the expectation to fall in love; 2) an appropriate candidate in terms of such things as appearance, personality, background, and values; and, 3) arousal that gets the label romantic love (Hartfield & Rapson, 1993).

Since we live in a culture that builds high expectations of romantic love, we clearly fulfill the first condition. After reading this chapter we know the importance of arousal and have some idea how to create such a state or else make use of an existing one. All that is left is the small matter of finding the right person. According to the above theory of love, two of the most important features identifying a potential partner as appropriate are his or her appearance and personality. These are the subject of the next chapter.

SUGGESTIONS FOR PEOPLE SEEKING LOVE.

Take advantage of times in which you are emotionally aroused by either positive or negative events in your life. These are times 28 when you are likely to be more open to love. Look for situations of high physical and emotional arousal: folk dancing, hiking, aerobics, jogging, trips abroad, stimulating cla.s.ses, action movies, exciting concerts, and spiritual journeys. Choose activities that you really enjoy and find exciting. Make sure they are favored by people of the s.e.x and age you are looking for, who are open and free to have an intimate relationship, and are likely to be appropriate romantic partners. Try to be in a good mood when you meet new people. If need be, don't hesitate to put yourself in a good mood by listening to music with a beat, a funny tape, or watching an uplifting movie. And remember that external obstacles enhance attraction.

3.B E AU T Y A N D C H A R AC T E R.

The most poetic love depends not on moral qualities but...on the way of doing up the hair, the complexion, the cut of the gown.

-Leo Tolstoy, "The Kreutzer Sonata"

All the beauty of the world. 'Tis but skin deep.

-Ralph Venning, Orthodox Paradoxes, Orthodox Paradoxes, 1650 1650 Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain.

-Proverbs, 31, 30 "S he was very attractive, very beautiful. Appearance is more important he was very attractive, very beautiful. Appearance is more important to me than to most people.... She is attractive, quiet, knows she is to me than to most people.... She is attractive, quiet, knows she is attractive. She has a presence and she's aware of it. She is sure of attractive. She has a presence and she's aware of it. She is sure of herself and very aware. Not a woman for a flirt only, but a...serious herself and very aware. Not a woman for a flirt only, but a...serious person." person."

"He is an all-around nice person, really nice, friendly, warm. He had a friendly presence, a warm presence, and was full of life, with a had a friendly presence, a warm presence, and was full of life, with a good sense of humor. And I thought he was cute, not stunning. With good sense of humor. And I thought he was cute, not stunning. With two feet on the ground." two feet on the ground."

"I thought she was very beautiful, very striking, long dark hair.

The first night we met, we talked the whole night-we had a lot in common." common."

"What attracted me most at first was his personality. I also thought he was very s.e.xy. He carried himself well, and dressed nicely. He's a he was very s.e.xy. He carried himself well, and dressed nicely. He's a very real and honest person.... He comes off as being very confident, very real and honest person.... He comes off as being very confident, almost c.o.c.ky. That's what attracted me to him." almost c.o.c.ky. That's what attracted me to him."

"My first impression was that she is beautiful and quiet and insecure.

When I started talking to her I discovered that she is very sweet...wonderful. What attracted me most was that I could talk to her about everything. She is very understanding." everything. She is very understanding."

29.30."He's sort of handsome, and he's very nice, very laid back. He made me feel good." made me feel good." "She's a knock-out, long hair, blue eyes.... She "She's a knock-out, long hair, blue eyes.... She seemed very nice, really sweet." seemed very nice, really sweet."

"From the beginning he was really cute, really nice, real sensitive."

From these remarks it is apparent that the young men and women interviewed were attracted to endearing personality traits in the beloved: "very sweet," "friendly," "good sense of humor." But they also mentioned attraction to the beloved's appearance: "he's handsome," "she's a knock-out."

Which attracts us more, personality or appearance? a.n.a.lysis of the romantic attraction interviews reveals that over 90 percent of all the men and women interviewed mentioned some aspect of a partner's character when they tried to explain why they fell in love.

Women mentioned personality traits more often than men, but the gender difference was small and insignificant. A smaller portion of the interviewees, about two-thirds, mentioned the beloved's appearance. But here the gender difference was very large.

Significantly more men, 81 percent, than women, 44 percent, were attracted to the physical appearance of the beloved. In other words, personality traits play a more important role in falling in love than physical appearance, and appearance plays a far more important role for men than it does for women.1 This last finding was replicated in many other studies (Feingold, 1990).

Is physical attractiveness really less important than character? And are women really less influenced by it? Or is this finding an artifact, the result of people's tendency to underreport the impact of physical attractiveness on their dating preferences? A recent study attempted to find out.

Women were shown profiles containing photographs and information about the personalities of potential, male, dating partners.

When the women thought they were connected to a lie detector, they admitted being more influenced by the physical attractiveness of the men, and described physically attractive men as more desirable.

When they were not connected to the apparatus, the women tended to underreport the impact of the men's physical attractiveness on their preferences (Hadjistavropoulos & Genest, 1994).

Apparently, a social norm tends to inhibit us, especially women, from admitting the importance of physical attraction. In addition, it is possible that people, especially men, a.s.sess first a potential candidate's appearance. Only after the candidate pa.s.ses this initial screening, does the appraiser notice the personality traits that lead to a perception of something deeper and more significant than beauty alone.

BEAUTY AND CHARACTER.

31.Because it serves as a screen in our selection of a mate, physical appearance plays a crucial role in the beginning of a romantic relationship. If someone's appearance is repulsive, the chances for a romantic involvement are slim. But as the lovely story "Beauty and the Beast" suggests, on those rare occasions when people are forced to spend time with an unattractive person and get to know that person well, they may discover that under the repulsive appearance lies a hidden treasure of wonderful traits. In such a case they may fall in love with the person despite the initial disdain. The following example is a case in point.

An attractive widow in her early forties wanted to build a new, and significant, intimate relationship. She had met many men, but didn't like any of them, especially when she compared them to her late husband and recalled the depth of the emotional bond she had had with him. Then her close friends arranged a blind date with a "charming man" whose company they were convinced she would enjoy. When he rang the doorbell and she first saw him, she couldn't believe that her friends, who knew how sensitive she was to people's appearances, could have introduced her to such a funny-looking man. Her late husband had been a very handsome man and the men she had dated after his death were also attractive. But this man was short, possibly even shorter than she, chubby, balding, and wore gla.s.ses.

She saw no chance of a romantic involvement with so unbecoming a man. Within the first seconds of meeting him, she made up her mind that at the end of the evening, she would gently dismiss him and never agree to another date. But since she was stuck with "chubby" for the night, and they had a reservation to a wonderful restaurant that was one of her favorites, she decided to spend the evening with him. While driving to the restaurant in his elegant car, she discovered that he was a very pleasant and entertaining man. At the restaurant, she learned that he was a connoisseur of wines and enjoyed good food as much as she did. She also discovered that he was a successful lawyer who loved his work. Moreover, he was a fascinating conversationalist with a great sense of humor, and when she talked, he listened attentively. He was a marvelous, sensitive man.

Among the last to leave the restaurant, she realized that hours had gone by without her noticing and that she had enjoyed every minute.

Furthermore, it had been years since she had enjoyed herself so much. So despite her earlier decision, she responded happily when the misnamed "chubby" invited her out again.

Unfortunately, most of us reject outright those whose appearances we don't like, and we don't give unattractive people a chance to reveal their personalities. A woman who had gone on a blind date once told 32 me, "When I saw him at the cafe and saw how he looked I decided not to go in. Why bother? There was no way I was going to go out with a man who looked like that." Beauty may be skin deep, but the role it plays as an initial screen gives it enormous power in romantic relationships. Through this attractiveness screen attractiveness screen many a person who might have made a wonderful lover and mate is discarded. The reason for our prejudice against unattractive people is, at least in part, the result of a connection we make between beauty and love. many a person who might have made a wonderful lover and mate is discarded. The reason for our prejudice against unattractive people is, at least in part, the result of a connection we make between beauty and love.

BEAUTY AND LOVE.

In Roman mythology, Venus is the G.o.ddess of both beauty and and love (see Figure 5). And in modern times, a large number of studies in social psychology demonstrate the connection between beauty and love (Hartfield & Sprecher, 1986). When we meet new people, we Image rights not available love (see Figure 5). And in modern times, a large number of studies in social psychology demonstrate the connection between beauty and love (Hartfield & Sprecher, 1986). When we meet new people, we Image rights not available FIGURE 5. Venus Awaits the Return of Mars Venus Awaits the Return of Mars by Lamert Sustris, c. 1560. Venus, the Roman G.o.ddess of love and beauty (the Greek Aphrodite), reclines with her winged son Cupid (Eros). Venus, the magnificent golden G.o.ddess, carried beauty around her. Flowers sprang up wherever her feet touched the earth. Her single divine duty was to make love and to inspire others to make love as well. She was desired by all. by Lamert Sustris, c. 1560. Venus, the Roman G.o.ddess of love and beauty (the Greek Aphrodite), reclines with her winged son Cupid (Eros). Venus, the magnificent golden G.o.ddess, carried beauty around her. Flowers sprang up wherever her feet touched the earth. Her single divine duty was to make love and to inspire others to make love as well. She was desired by all.

G.o.ds and mortals alike lost their heads when they heard her voice. There was neither happiness nor beauty without her.

BEAUTY AND CHARACTER.

33.tend to be far more attracted to beautiful people than we are to the less attractive.

Of course, what is considered beautiful is different for different people, in different periods of history, and in different cultures (Hartz, 1996). Nevertheless, studies repeatedly show a relationship between finding people attractive and evaluating them positively. We tend to believe that attractive people possess positive personality traits. We want to meet and get to know them, and we want them as friends and romantic partners. We view attractive men as more masculine, and beautiful women as more feminine (Gillen, 1981). And we see beautiful people as more desirable partners for s.e.x, romance, and marriage.

One of the earliest investigations into the influence of beauty on romantic attraction studied 752 students who partic.i.p.ated in a university dance. Researchers began with a lot of information about the partic.i.p.ating students-personality traits, att.i.tudes toward a variety of topics, intelligence scores, and so on. With the help of a computer, the researchers paired the students according to these characteristics. Then, as the students entered the dance hall, a team of judges, themselves students, scored each partic.i.p.ant for attractiveness. During a break, the reseachers asked the students how satisfied they were with their partners, and if they were interested in meeting their dates again. Results showed that the level of satisfaction with the blind date, the desire to meet again, and the probability of meeting again, were all a function of only one thing-the physical attractiveness rating! Personality traits, intelligence, and similar att.i.tudes had very little effect (Walster et al., 1966).

People a.s.sume that what is beautiful is good. When men and women were shown photographs of very attractive, very unattractive, and average looking people, they attributed many more positive personality traits to the more attractive men and women (Dion et al., 1972). We tend to view highly attractive people as exciting, s.e.xual, romantic partners, interesting, secure, relaxed, warm, intelligent, strong, generous, open, giving, pleasant, polite, modest, successful, sensitive, friendly, independent, psychologically healthy, socially skilled, and poised (e.g., Calvert, 1988). We expect them to be famous and successful both socially and professionally. We expect their marriages to be happy and their lives to be full and exciting (Dion et al., 1972). When things don't work out for them, we are surprised and disappointed.

This positive bias toward beauty can even be found in people's att.i.tudes toward beautiful babies (Karraker et al., 1987) and young 34 children (Berkowitz & Frodi, 1982). Beautiful children are not only more popular among their peers, but they tend to be treated more kindly, blamed and punished less by their kindergarten teachers as well (Dion, 1972).

This prejudice toward beauty was found in young children as well as people over sixty (Johnson & Pittenger, 1984). It was found in men as well as in women, even though the gender difference may be larger when men and women talk about what attracts them to a potential partner rather than when one examines what really attracts them (Feingold, 1990). And it was found to be more important than other qualities, including, for example, quality of communication (Sprecher & Duck, 1994).

Beautiful people have a great influence on us, both negative and positive. This fact was nicely demonstrated in a cla.s.sic study by Herold Sigall and Elliot Aronson (1969). Because men are supposed to be more influenced by physical appearance than women, the subjects in the study were young men. The researchers chose a beautiful woman as a confederate. In half of the cases, she was made to look extremely unattractive. She wore ill-fitting and unattractive clothes, a badly cut blond wig that didn't suit her skin color, and makeup that made her skin look oily and unappealing. The woman pretended that she was a doctoral student interviewing psychology students for her dissertation research. At the end of a given interview she gave each subject her personal, clinical evaluation of him. Half of the men received a very positive evaluation, the other half, a very negative evaluation.

Results of the study showed that when the woman looked ugly, it didn't matter to the men whether her evaluation of them was positive or negative. In both cases they didn't like her. When the woman looked beautiful, they liked her very much-but only when she gave them a positive evaluation. When she gave them a negative evaluation, they disliked her even more than they had when she looked ugly. And yet, the men who received negative evaluations from the beautiful woman were anxious to be given another chance to interact with her in other studies. It seems that her evaluation of them was so important that they desperately wanted a chance to try and change her opinion of them.

WHAT IS BEAUTIFUL?.

While beauty may be "in the eye of the beholder," to a large extent, social norms and fashions determine what is considered beautiful (Banner, 1983). The athletic look that characterizes attractive women BEAUTY AND CHARACTER 35.at the end of the twentieth century is very different from the voluptuous look that characterized beautiful women in previous eras (Silverstein et al., 1990). Despite the general agreement among people in a particular culture about what is attractive, most of us find it difficult to describe exactly what makes certain people attractive to us.

A researcher who tried to find out used pictures of women from college yearbooks and beauty pageants and asked men to rank them according to their beauty. He found that the men ranked two types of faces as most attractive: the "baby face"-a childish face with big eyes, a little nose, and a little chin-and the "s.e.xy woman"-high cheekbones, high brows, wide pupils, and a big smile. The same features were ranked as attractive for white, black, and oriental women (Cunningham, 1986). Another cross-cultural study showed that 17-to 60-year-old men and women in five different cultures show attraction to large eyes, small noses, and full lips (Jones, 1995).

Besides a beautiful face, a beautiful body is obviously very important for the general attractiveness of men and women. Actually, a woman with a very pretty face and an unattractive body gets a lower attractiveness score than a woman with a very attractive body and an unattractive face (Alicke et al., 1986). The most attractive body type for women is of normal weight, rather than skinny or fat (Singh, 1994). An important contributor to the attractiveness of a woman's body is her bust size. The most attractive bust is medium size, not too big and not too small (Kleinke & Staneski, 1980).

An interesting feature, related to the physical attractiveness of women is the waist-to-hip ratio. It turns out that men, from young adults to 85-year-olds, find women with a low waist-to-hip ratio more attractive (Singh, 1993). A low waist-to-hip ratio means a narrow waist and wide hips, an impossible physical ideal that causes women to do unhealthy things, from wearing corsets to cosmetic surgery, to their bodies. An examination of the winners over the last thirty-to-sixty years of the Miss America contest and Playboy's Playboy's "Bunny of the Month," shows very few changes in the waist-to-hip ratio of these declared beauties. Narrow waist and wide hips are important contributors to a woman's s.e.x appeal. (Marilyn Monroe is a famous example. See her perfect waist-to-hip ratio in Figure 6.) The most important contributors to the attractiveness of a man's body are narrow legs and hips, wide shoulders, and small b.u.t.tocks (Lavrakas, 1975). Height is another contributor. An a.n.a.lysis of eight different studies published between 1954 and 1989 supports "the male-taller norm" in romantic attraction (Pierce, 1996). Responses to lonely-hearts advertis.e.m.e.nts show that men who mention the 36.fact that they are tall get more letters from interested women than men who don't mention their height (Lynn & Shurgot, 1984).

When 594 students completed a questionnaire that asked about height, preference in an ideal partner, and whether they were currently in relationships, results showed that tall men enjoy a noticeable dating advantage. The height advantage seemed to diminish for men taller than 6 feet, and height had no dating consequence for women (Hensley, 1994). Another study showed that 95 percent of the women interviewed preferred to date a man taller than they were, whereas 80 percent of men interviewed preferred to date a woman shorter than they were. Shor ter women had more dates, men described them as more attractive and preferred to go out with them (Sheppard & Strathman, 1989).

WHY ARE WE.

PREJUDICED TO.

WARD BEAUTY?.

One explanation is that we enjoy the company of attractive people because their appearances give us aesthetic pleasure. Just as we enjoy a beautiful art object, we enjoy beautiful people.

A second explanation derives from an a.s.sumption about appearance and personality, namely, that whatever looks good on the outside is also good inside. This a.s.sumption can influence attraction in one of two ways. First, if what is beautiful is also good, then we not only FIGURE 6. Marilyn Monroe, the mythical image of feminine s.e.x appeal.

BEAUTY AND CHARACTER.

37.double our reward from an attractive person, but a person who can give us greater rewards seems more attractive to us. Second, it is possible that our belief creates reality. If we believe that beauty implies goodness, and we behave accordingly, our actions can encourage attractive people to develop the positive traits we expect from them.

A third explanation is that attractive people have more social skills.

Since they have long histories of rewarding relationships, they develop social skills that, in themselves, attract people around them. Studies show that attractive people indeed have better communication skills (Brehm, 1992).

A fourth explanation points to the social benefit we get from a.s.sociating with attractive people, the reflected glory that shines on us. A person of average attractiveness is perceived as more attractive when in the company of a highly attractive person of the same s.e.x.

The same person looks less attractive when in the company of a highly unattractive person (Geiselman et al., 1984).2 Yet another explanation rests on our need to believe in a just world, a world in which people get what they deserve and deserve what they get. In a just world, good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Therefore, we want to believe that people of unusual good looks deserve them because of their wonderful personality traits. Indeed, it was found that the more people believed that the world was just, the more likely they were to attribute positive personality traits to beautiful people and a.s.sume that they were going to be successful in their lives (Dion & Dion, 1987).

Finally, the explanation offered by evolutionary psychologists.

According to this explanation, cultural stereotypes of beauty are the result of evolutionary processes and are based on requirements for breeding and survival. Romantic attraction plays an important role in the development of the human race (e.g., Buss, 1994). During the thousands of years of evolution, physically attractive men and women had a higher probability of finding a mate, reproducing, and raising their offspring to maturity. In this way they ensured that their genes-including the genes responsible for their good looks- were pa.s.sed on to future generations. Why are large b.r.e.a.s.t.s and a low waist-to-hip ratio considered attractive in a woman? Because, argue evolutionary psychologists, there is an a.s.sumed connection between big b.r.e.a.s.t.s and the ability to nurse a baby. Babies of women with b.r.e.a.s.t.s full of milk had a higher chance of survival. A narrow waist and wide hips create the a.s.sumption that a woman is healthier and more able to bear children. Good skin and rosy cheeks are evidence of good health and youth that are also related to fertility.

Why are height and an athletic body considered attractive in a man?

38.Because, in the far away past, these features marked an ability to function well as a hunter, protector, and provider. Offspring of men who were good hunters had a higher probability of survival and thus pa.s.sed on the genes responsible for their height and athletic build to future generations.

Are attractive people really better? The answer, overall, is no. Attractive people do not seem to have more positive traits, skills, or abilities than unattractive people (Hartfield & Sprecher, 1986). Nevertheless, attractive people have several important advantages. They tend to have better social skills and are correspondingly more popular (Feingold, 1990). Attractive people, women especially, have more friends and pursuers; they communicate with members of the opposite s.e.x better than unattractive people do (Reis et al., 1980); and they have more active s.e.x lives (Curran & Lippold, 1975). In addition, attractive people are less at risk for emotional disturbances than unattractive people are (Archer & Cash, 1985). They tend to work in better jobs, make more money, and, in general, report more satisfaction from their lives than unattractive people do (Umberson The answer, overall, is no. Attractive people do not seem to have more positive traits, skills, or abilities than unattractive people (Hartfield & Sprecher, 1986). Nevertheless, attractive people have several important advantages. They tend to have better social skills and are correspondingly more popular (Feingold, 1990). Attractive people, women especially, have more friends and pursuers; they communicate with members of the opposite s.e.x better than unattractive people do (Reis et al., 1980); and they have more active s.e.x lives (Curran & Lippold, 1975). In addition, attractive people are less at risk for emotional disturbances than unattractive people are (Archer & Cash, 1985). They tend to work in better jobs, make more money, and, in general, report more satisfaction from their lives than unattractive people do (Umberson & Houghs, 1987). In one study, 737 yearbook pictures of business school graduates were given attractiveness ratings. Results showed a correlation between the attractiveness rating and level of earnings.

The more attractive the graduate, the higher his or her future earnings (Frieze et al., 1991).

THE COST OF ATTRACTIVENESS.

Despite the importance of beauty and despite the positive stereotypes we a.s.sociate with beautiful people, beauty does not guarantee happiness, and does not ensure success in love. It may even be the case that the positive effects of our prejudice toward beauty and the negative effects a.s.sociated with it, such as envy, hostility, hara.s.sment, and distrust of people's evaluations, cancel each other.

Unusually beautiful women tend to be viewed as sn.o.bs, insolent, materialistic, and unfaithful (Cash & Duncan, 1984). I have often heard such women complain that their beauty scares men away. At parties, men whom the beautiful woman would like to have gotten to know don't dare approach her. In addition, attractiveness can cause envy and hostility in members of one's own s.e.x and constant hara.s.sment by members of the other s.e.x. And since beauty tends to fade with time, its loss can be devastating. A woman who was exceptionally beautiful in her youth grew up to be a merely beautiful woman. When people see her they often gasp and say, BEAUTY AND CHARACTER 39."You were soooo beautiful." It doesn't comfort her when they continue, "Now you are a 10, but then you were a 12!"

While good looks may be good for future earnings, they are not always good for self-esteem. Actually, the opposite may be true.

While attractive people may feel more comfortable in their interactions with the opposite s.e.x, they are not more self-confident.

The reason is their concern that they are liked and sought after because of their looks, and not because of who they really are (Major et al., 1984). A beautiful young woman, currently in therapy with me, is an example. Her problem is a severe lack of confidence, because all her life people only saw her pretty face, and didn't see her obvious intelligence. "And what will happen to me when I am old and no longer beautiful?" she asks with real pain and anxiety.

SIMILARITY IN ATTRACTIVENESS.

There is extensive evidence that the lovers we choose share with us a similar level of attractiveness. While we may have preferred to get involved with the most attractive person we knew, most of us eventually have to compromise and accept someone who is neither more attractive nor less attractive than we are.

It is possible that this similarity results not from an active selection process, but rather from a screening process that operates in the following manner. The first to find love are the most attractive people, leaving in the pool the people who are second in their level of attractiveness. Once these people are picked, those below them in attractiveness are taken. The process continues until only the most unattractive people remain in the pool, and those are forced to choose from whoever is left (Kalick & Hamilton, 1986).

Those dreaming of a romantic relationship with a movie star or a famous beauty, and unwilling to get involved with the less attractive mortals they meet in their everyday lives, should be aware of the advantages of choosing a lover who is similar to oneself in attractiveness. It tur ns out that similar ity in attractiveness ensures greater satisfaction in a relationship-and greater success for for the relationship-than does involvement with a person of unusual beauty. Furthermore, involvement with a partner of unusual beauty, unless one is also exceptionally attractive, can cause serious romantic jealousy (Pines, 1998). the relationship-than does involvement with a person of unusual beauty. Furthermore, involvement with a partner of unusual beauty, unless one is also exceptionally attractive, can cause serious romantic jealousy (Pines, 1998).

The unattractive partner feels threatened by the people who 40 surround the beautiful partner like bees around honey, admiring, desiring, coveting, and flirting.

BEAUTY IS SUBJECTIVE.

There are those more beautiful than her, But no one as beautiful.

-Natan Alterman, Love Poems Love Poems Even while some men's and women's beauty is uncontested, they can look more beautiful to some people than to others. As we go down the scale to the average levels of attractiveness, where most people are, the role played by subjective perception increases. The following story demonstrates just how subjective can be the perception of attractiveness. A young man met a woman while traveling in the Far East and fell madly in love with her, sure that in addition to all her other virtues, his beloved was a stunning beauty. He couldn't wait to introduce her to his friends. But when he returned home, he was shocked to discover that his friends not only did not see her as beautiful, but actually considered her rather homely.

A woman, convinced that her best friend is extremely beautiful, can similarly discover, to her great dismay, that men find her friend totally lacking in any kind of appeal. On the other hand, she can watch with amazement as the same men flock to a woman that she herself finds totally unappealing. Not only can someone who appears very attractive to us, appear very unattractive to others, but our perceptions can change in reaction to things that have nothing to do with appearance. People we learn to love look more attractive to us than they did initially, whereas people we learn to despise can come to look ugly.