Falling In Love: Why We Choose The Lovers We Choose Part 12

At the first stages of life, a baby's libido is directed toward oneself, loving oneself in narcissistic love and enjoying one's body in "autoerotic" enjoyment. Later, if the development is healthy and normal, the baby can start to direct the libido outside, and love people outside the self. These people then become the baby's "love objects."

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The first stage in the psychos.e.xual development of a child is the oral oral stage that takes place during the first year of life. The child's s.e.xuality is centered on the mouth. The princ.i.p.al source of pleasure derived from the mouth is eating, or the "incorporation" of food; it involves suckling and sucking and, with the growth of teeth, biting. These two modes of oral activity, eating and biting, are the prototypes for many traits seen in adulthood. Pleasure derived from oral incorporation may be "displaced" to other modes of incorporation such as acquiring possessions or knowledge. Oral aggression may be displaced to other modes or metaphors of biting such as criticism and sarcasm. stage that takes place during the first year of life. The child's s.e.xuality is centered on the mouth. The princ.i.p.al source of pleasure derived from the mouth is eating, or the "incorporation" of food; it involves suckling and sucking and, with the growth of teeth, biting. These two modes of oral activity, eating and biting, are the prototypes for many traits seen in adulthood. Pleasure derived from oral incorporation may be "displaced" to other modes of incorporation such as acquiring possessions or knowledge. Oral aggression may be displaced to other modes or metaphors of biting such as criticism and sarcasm.

The baby's "love object" in the oral stage is the feeding breast.

This is why "a child sucking at his mother's breast has became the prototype of every relation of love. The finding of an object is in fact a refinding of it" (88). "When children fall asleep after being sated at the breast, they show an expression of blissful satisfaction which will be repeated later in life after the experience of s.e.xual o.r.g.a.s.m"

(Freud, 1917, 388). Even after s.e.xual activity becomes disconnected from feeding, an important part of this initial s.e.xuality remains and helps prepare for the choice of a mature love object that can bring back the lost happiness of this early stage of life.

In this stage of development, Mother is "teaching the child to love" (Freud, 1905, 89). In other words, Mother's love is necessary for adult romantic love. However, both too much and too little love can be harmful. The lack or the loss of love causes anxiety in romantic relationships, so that with intimacy, the anxious person behaves like an abandoned child. On the other hand, too much love makes it difficult for a person to be without love for even a brief period of time, or alternatively, to manage the relationship with very small amounts of love.

Second is the a.n.a.l a.n.a.l stage that takes place during the second year of life. At this stage, the s.e.xuality of the child is centered on the a.n.u.s, and is expressed in the enjoyment of both holding back and releasing feces. Depending on the toilet training and the parents' feelings concerning defecation, the child will develop certain traits and values. stage that takes place during the second year of life. At this stage, the s.e.xuality of the child is centered on the a.n.u.s, and is expressed in the enjoyment of both holding back and releasing feces. Depending on the toilet training and the parents' feelings concerning defecation, the child will develop certain traits and values.

If parents are very strict, the child may hold back feces and later in life may become stingy and obstinate. Or else, in response to the parents' pressure, the child may respond with rage by defecating at the most inappropriate times. This is the prototype for traits such as messy disorderliness, temper tantrums, cruelty, and wanton destructiveness. However, when the parents praise the child extravagantly after a bowel movement, the child feels that producing feces is extremely important and as an adult is likely to demonstrate creativity and productivity.

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In the oral and a.n.a.l stages, there is no difference between boys and girls. Children in these early stages are autoerotic and the love object for both boy and girl is Mother. From the third stage, the phallic stage, the psychos.e.xual development of boys and girls diverges.

The phallic stage phallic stage takes place between ages three and five. During this stage, s.e.xual feelings a.s.sociated with the functioning of the genital organs come into focus. The phallus and external genitalia fascinate boys and girls. They m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e and express interest in the s.e.xual organs of others. Childhood s.e.xuality is at its peak at this stage, and its influences shape adult s.e.xuality. However, the s.e.xual impulse is different for a boy and a girl. Because of the so-called natural attraction to members of the opposite s.e.x, the son is attracted to his mother and the daughter is attracted to her father. takes place between ages three and five. During this stage, s.e.xual feelings a.s.sociated with the functioning of the genital organs come into focus. The phallus and external genitalia fascinate boys and girls. They m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e and express interest in the s.e.xual organs of others. Childhood s.e.xuality is at its peak at this stage, and its influences shape adult s.e.xuality. However, the s.e.xual impulse is different for a boy and a girl. Because of the so-called natural attraction to members of the opposite s.e.x, the son is attracted to his mother and the daughter is attracted to her father.

The pleasures of masturbation and the fantasies that accompany it set the stage for the appearance of the Oedipus complex. According to the Greek tragedy that became famous thanks to Freud, King Oedipus killed his father and married his mother (see a retelling of the story on pages 150151). Freud believed that like Oedipus, every boy is in love with his mother and views his father as a hostile compet.i.tor, and every girl is in love with her father and views her mother as a compet.i.tor. The boy wants to possess his mother and remove his father, the girl wants to possess her father and displace her mother.

Because of the forbidden s.e.xual attraction to Mother, the boy imagines that his powerful rival, Father, is going to harm him. His fears center on harm to his genitals because they are the source of his l.u.s.tful feelings. He is afraid that, in a jealous rage, his jealous father will remove the offending organ. This castration anxiety castration anxiety induces an identification with Father which a.s.sures the boy that Father will not harm him, while also giving him some vicarious gratification of his s.e.xual impulse toward Mother. "Anatomy is destiny" declared Freud. The anatomical differences between the s.e.xes cause a different process during this stage in girls and a different resolution of the Oedipal conflict. induces an identification with Father which a.s.sures the boy that Father will not harm him, while also giving him some vicarious gratification of his s.e.xual impulse toward Mother. "Anatomy is destiny" declared Freud. The anatomical differences between the s.e.xes cause a different process during this stage in girls and a different resolution of the Oedipal conflict.

As the boy discovers his phallus, the girl discovers her c.l.i.toris and views it, because of the pleasure it provides, as a phallus equivalent.

When she discovers the inferiority of her s.e.x organ, a cavity as compared to the boy's glorious protruding s.e.x organ, it is a traumatic experience with far reaching consequences. The girl holds her mother responsible for her castrated condition and resents her for it. She transfers her love to her father because he has the valued organ. Her love for Father, and for other men, is mixed with envy because they possess something she lacks. p.e.n.i.s envy p.e.n.i.s envy is the female counterpart of 150 is the female counterpart of 150 castration anxiety in males. p.e.n.i.s envy expresses the desire of the girl to have a phallus. The girl envies those who have a phallus and like the boy interprets its absence as a punishment, that is, castration.

She imagines that she has lost something valuable, while the boy fears he is going to lose it. Her p.e.n.i.s envy and his castration anxiety are called collectively the castration complex. castration complex.

The boy's Oedipal complex is resolved, under the pressure of castration anxiety, by identification with his father. The boy hopes that if he imitates Father, Father will not hurt him and he can have a wife like Mother when he grows up. The girl's Oedipal complex is resolved, under the pressure of p.e.n.i.s envy, by identification with her mother. The girl hopes that if she imitates Mother, she can have a husband like Father when she grows up.

THE STORY OF OEDIPUS.

When a baby was born to King Laius of Thebes and his wife Jocasta, the oracle of Delphi told the king that he would be killed by his son. In order to avert this terrible prophecy Laius bound the baby's feet and ordered him abandoned on a lonely mountain, certain that within a very short time, the baby would die.

But his servant took pity on the baby and gave him to Polybus, King of Corinth, who named him Oedipus, "wounded feet," and adopted him as a son. When Oedipus grew up he left his house in Corinth because of a terrible prophecy from the oracle in Delphi. Once, again, the oracle prophesied that Oedipus was doomed to kill his father, and, the oracle added, marry his mother. Oedipus thought he could escape his cruel fate by abandoning his home and going into exile.

During his wandering, Oedipus met his real father at a crossroad. Laius, who had four companions with him, tried to push Oedipus off the road and hit him with a staff. In his anger Oedipus attacked Laius and his companions and killed them.

Only one man remained alive to carry the news to Thebes. The man, too embarra.s.sed to tell the truth, told the people of Thebes that their king was killed by a band of robbers. The people did not try to verify the story because they were preoccupied with a disaster that had befallen their city. The Sphinx, a monster in the form of a winged lion with a woman's face and b.r.e.a.s.t.s, stood at the entrance to the city and asked pa.s.sers-by a riddle.

The person who answered the riddle correctly would be allowed to continue. The person who did not, THE SON FALLS IN LOVE WITH "MOTHER"

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In his early writings, Freud termed the Oedipus conflict in girls the Electra complex. Electra complex. In Greek tragedy, Electra loved her father and convinced her brother to kill their mother who had betrayed their father and caused his death. It is important to note, however, that with the intellectual honesty characteristic of him, Freud admitted that he didn't understand the psychos.e.xual development of women with the same clarity that he understood the psychos.e.xual development of men. In Greek tragedy, Electra loved her father and convinced her brother to kill their mother who had betrayed their father and caused his death. It is important to note, however, that with the intellectual honesty characteristic of him, Freud admitted that he didn't understand the psychos.e.xual development of women with the same clarity that he understood the psychos.e.xual development of men.

Women psychoa.n.a.lysts, such as Karen Horney (1922, 1967), indeed criticized the Freudian conception of female s.e.xuality and argue that as women experiment with s.e.xuality, they have a positive, rather than an inferior experience of loss. Horney also argues that women do not envy the glorious p.e.n.i.s, but rather, the societal power would die. No one had been able to answer the riddle and the monster had devoured them all. The city was under siege and famine was closing in.

Then Oedipus, the wise and the brave, arrived in Thebes and offered to solve Sphinx's riddle. "What creature walks on four in the morning, on two at noon, and on three at night?"

asked the Sphinx. "A man does," answered Oedipus. "As a baby he crawls on four, as an adult he walks on two feet, and in his old age he leans on a cane." This was the correct answer, and on hearing it, the Sphinx killed itself; the people of Thebes were set free. Seeing Oedipus as their savior, they offered him the throne. Oedipus gladly accepted, married the widow of the slain King Laius, and became the king of Thebes.

Years later, when Oedipus and Jocasta's two children were grown, Thebes was. .h.i.t by a devastating plague. Oedipus sent a messenger to Delphi with an urgent plea to Apollo to come to their rescue. The messenger came back with the announcement that the plague would be over only after King Laius' a.s.sa.s.sin was punished. Oedipus started searching far and wide for the king's murderer, only to discover to his great horror that he himself was the man, and that King Laius was his own father.

When the horrible truth that he had killed his father and married his mother was revealed to Oedipus, he blinded himself and left Thebes for a life of exile. His mother/wife killed herself.

After many years of wandering in exile, Oedipus came to terms with his cruel fate, understanding that while he was not at fault, he was still responsible for his actions.

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that having a p.e.n.i.s in a patriarchal society represents. We will get back to this criticism in the last section of this chapter when we evaluate Freud's theory.

Resolution of the Oedipal conflict is necessary before the boy can develop a masculine gender ident.i.ty by identifying with his father, and before the girl can develop her concommitant feminine gender ident.i.ty. Resolving the Oedipal conflict is also necessary for both boy and girl to be able to detach themselves from their first love object and "displace" it as adults, in other words, to fall in love with other people.

Freud described two processes that interfere with this normal development, fixation and regression. Fixation Fixation occurs when development is halted temporarily or permanently. A child who becomes fixated at an early stage of development continues in adulthood to derive the gratification characterized by that early stage. occurs when development is halted temporarily or permanently. A child who becomes fixated at an early stage of development continues in adulthood to derive the gratification characterized by that early stage.

Gratification from smoking or overeating as an adult, for example, may suggest an oral fixation. Fixation can result from too much or too little gratification of a need.

Regression means a retreat to an earlier stage of development. A young married woman who has difficulties with her husband, may return to the security of her parents' home. Regression is usually determined by earlier fixation, that is, a person tends to regress to the stage of previous fixation. means a retreat to an earlier stage of development. A young married woman who has difficulties with her husband, may return to the security of her parents' home. Regression is usually determined by earlier fixation, that is, a person tends to regress to the stage of previous fixation.

When boys and girls do not pa.s.s through the Oedipal stage successfully, they remain fixated at this stage and cannot detach themselves from their infantile love object. When they grow up, such men remain in love with their mothers and are incapable of loving fully other women. In my clinical practice I have seen quite a few men like this. Typically, he gets married and declares that he loves his wife who, invariably, is a "wonderful mother." But for some "inexplicable reason," he is not attracted to her s.e.xually. He is, however, very attracted s.e.xually to all other women. But he never loves any of them. His love is reserved for the mother who is the wife. This type of split has been termed the wh.o.r.e/Madonna complex. wh.o.r.e/Madonna complex. 2 2 Other men with unresolved Oedipal complexes are attracted to many women and fall in love easily, each time convinced that, this time, they have found the perfect woman they have been looking for. But shortly afterwards, they discover that this one, too, is not the one, the one for whom they will continue to search but never quite find.

Women who fail to resolve their Oedipal conflicts remain in love with their fathers. There are amongst them those, like Anna Freud, who remain attached to their fathers all their lives and never THE SON FALLS IN LOVE WITH "MOTHER"

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marry3 (see Figure 10). Others marry men whom they view as inferior to their father and thus deserving only of cold criticism.

Women with an Oedipal fixation tend to be non-responsive s.e.xually.

The s.e.xual problems these women have, as well as the s.e.xual problems men with a wh.o.r.e/Madonna complex have, can be explained by the operation of the incest taboo. Since the husband or wife psychologically represents a parent, he or she is forbidden s.e.xually.

Even when the Oedipal fixation is less severe, its influence is clearly evident. For example, a young man falls in love with older women who represent his mother, or a young woman falls in love with older men who represent fatherly love or authority.

The oral, a.n.a.l, and phallic stages are collectively called the pre-genital pre-genital stages. They are narcissistic and autoerotic, meaning, the child obtains gratification of the s.e.xual drive from the stimulation and manipulation of his or her own body. stages. They are narcissistic and autoerotic, meaning, the child obtains gratification of the s.e.xual drive from the stimulation and manipulation of his or her own body.

The fourth stage is a prolonged latency latency period. These are the quiet years between age five and period. These are the quiet years between age five and adolescence, in which the s.e.xual impulses are held in a state of repression. The child's love for the parent of the opposite s.e.x is forgotten and the s.e.xual drive is latent, thus this stage's name. The child starts school and the libido is directed to new interests and new people. A screen of forgetfulness covers the exper iences of early childhood.

Dur ing adolescence and the fifth, genital, genital, stage, stage, the focus is again on the genitals, but now some of the narcissistic love of the pre-genital stages becomes channeled into other love choices. The adolescent begins to love others and FIGURE 10. Sigmund Freud and his daughter, is s.e.xually attracted to Anna (1913). Anna Freud, a well-known psychoa.n.a.lyst and the author of The Ego and The Ego and people outside the family. people outside the family.

the Mechanisms of Defense, continued the work Yet the love objects of the continued the work Yet the love objects of the of her admired father but never married.

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the love choices of adolescence. The old family love objects get renewed libidinal cathexes, libidinal cathexes, or libidinal energy, invested with powerful emotional energies. But since they now arouse the incest taboo, they have to remain unconscious. From this age on, the adolescence's task is to differentiate from the parents and become a separate and autonomous individual. or libidinal energy, invested with powerful emotional energies. But since they now arouse the incest taboo, they have to remain unconscious. From this age on, the adolescence's task is to differentiate from the parents and become a separate and autonomous individual.

For a boy this means displacing the libidinal cathexes to mother and subst.i.tuting for her a woman outside the family. For a girl it means displacing the libidinal cathexes to father and subst.i.tuting for him a man outside the family. Finding a love object is in fact refinding refinding it. The infantile desire for the parent is displaced by a desire for a s.e.xual partner. it. The infantile desire for the parent is displaced by a desire for a s.e.xual partner.

Even after reaching adulthood and s.e.xual maturity, the love of a son for his mother and the love of a daughter for her father have the greatest influence on their choices of a person to love and marry. But it is not the only influence. Despite the importance of the parental love, it is not the only kind of love a child experiences. Other childhood influences enable people to develop more than one s.e.xual preference.

Freud believed that all people are inherently bis.e.xual, each s.e.x being attracted to members of his or her own s.e.x as well as to members of the opposite s.e.x. This is the const.i.tutional basis for h.o.m.os.e.xuality. In most people, socialization and evolutionary forces keep the h.o.m.os.e.xual drive latent. Freud saw proof of restraining social forces by pointing out that in those cultures that permit it, h.o.m.os.e.xuality is chosen by a significant number of people.

Despite the strength of h.o.m.os.e.xual attraction, evidenced by the deep emotional friendships adolescent boys and girls form with members of their own s.e.x, Freud believed that the childhood experiences of both s.e.xes directed them toward heteros.e.xual attraction. For men, childhood memories of Mother's love and nurturing have a powerful effect that directs them to choose women as love objects. In addition, the infantile experience of competing with Father, who prevented them from expressing their s.e.xuality toward Mother, helps divert their attraction away from members of their own s.e.x.

The operation of these two forces can be seen in women as well.

Since the s.e.xual behavior of young girls is harshly criticized and penalized by their mothers, or at least it was in Freud's time, women develop hostility toward members of their own s.e.x. This att.i.tude helps direct them to the choice of men as love objects. In addition, compet.i.tion with other women prevents them from being s.e.xually attracted to them.

Nevertheless, Freud saw in the different s.e.xual "deviations" and "perversions" a common and universal phenomenon, which testifies THE SON FALLS IN LOVE WITH "MOTHER"

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to the many different ways the human s.e.xual dr ive seeks gratification. What is considered normal s.e.xual response is the result of such restraining and directing forces as shame, disgust, pity, and the moral and legal norms that society enforces.

In other words, civilization controls and shapes the development and free expression of human s.e.xuality. The s.e.xual behavior we consider normal is an expression of these restraining societal forces.

Freud was convinced that from the study of s.e.xual deviations and perversions, it is possible to learn about the origins and development of normal human s.e.xuality.

Let me summarize the key points in Freud's theory of romantic love. All of these points can be deduced from the preceding discussion.

* Romantic love is a socially accepted expression of the s.e.xual drive, the libido, which includes both physical and emotional components.

* All people are inherently bis.e.xual, each s.e.x is attracted to members of its own s.e.x as well as to members of the opposite s.e.x. In most people, the h.o.m.os.e.xual drive remains latent as a result of socialization.

* The s.e.xual drive, the libido of the person in love, directs the s.e.xual and sublimated activity toward gratification.

* Romantic love and what seems to us the non-s.e.xual love children feel toward their parents have the same roots. Adult romantic love is actually the equivalent of infantile love.

* The romantic and s.e.xual experiences of adult men and women are related to early infantile experiences that take place during the Oedipal stage.

* The libido of adult men and women is displaced to people who are similar in some significant ways to their love objects during the Oedipal stage. For a man, this means a woman who resembles in some significant way his mother, for a woman, a man who resembles her father.

* The adult seeks a lover who represents an internal picture of his or her first love object-the male or female parent. This internal, infantile picture can be very different from the way the parent really is.

* When a person falls in love, he or she is reuniting with the first love object.

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* Because the parental relationships of young children so strongly influence their adult, intimate relationships, it is understandable that a childhood disruption in the connection with the parent can have ser ious consequences for their adult s.e.x lives and love lives.

If we accept Freud's contention that both son and daughter try to find in a romantic partner the love object on whom their libidos fixated in the Oedipal stage, and if we accept that the first object of a child's love and s.e.xuality is a parent, then it is reasonable to ask, why don't adults choose their parents as love objects? The answer, according to Freud, is the incest taboo that is genetically imprinted.

The incest taboo defends against s.e.xual attraction to people who are family members and develops naturally toward people with whom we grow up. This is an important point. It explains, for example, why adults can be s.e.xually attracted to their children-they didn't grow up with them-while children are not attracted s.e.xually to their parents, despite what Freud thought. Beginning with adolescence, in which s.e.xual maturity takes place and the Oedipal attraction toward the parent of the opposite s.e.x is first re-enacted, the incest taboo teaches the individual to displace the libido in favor of love objects outside the family. But these new adult love objects always resemble or represent, in some important way, the first infantile love object.

In addition to displacement, displacement, Freud suggests yet another way in which we divert a forbidden love choice into one that is socially accepted- Freud suggests yet another way in which we divert a forbidden love choice into one that is socially accepted- sublimation. As an example, he presents Leonardo da Vinci's paintings of the Madonna. These paintings, Freud argues, are a sublimated expression of Leonardo's longing for intimacy with his mother from whom he had been separated at a very young age (1910). As an example, he presents Leonardo da Vinci's paintings of the Madonna. These paintings, Freud argues, are a sublimated expression of Leonardo's longing for intimacy with his mother from whom he had been separated at a very young age (1910).

IDEALIZATION OF THE BELOVED IN ROMANTIC LOVE.

Freud wrote, "The popular mind has from time immemorial paid homage" to the hypothesis that falling in love is akin to "intoxication"

(Freud, 1917, 482). He admits freely that "we know nothing" about the "chemistry" of "s.e.xual desire." He could not even decide whether we are to a.s.sume the existence of one or "two s.e.xual substances which would then be named male and female."

s.e.xual arousal directs the s.e.xual activity of the person in love and pushes for gratification and release of the acc.u.mulated s.e.xual tension.

The s.e.xual drive is expressed in intense desire that is one of the THE SON FALLS IN LOVE WITH "MOTHER"

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most notable characteristics of falling in love. The s.e.xual, physical, and instinctual drive receives in romantic love a pure emotional expression which renders it socially acceptable.

When we are in love, we tend to idealize our beloved. We see wonderful qualities, which may or may not be there, and are blind to faults that may be glaringly obvious to others. Freud called this love blindness "s.e.xual overvaluation." In his article On Narcissism On Narcissism (1914), Freud described the tendency to idealize when in love as evidence of the flow of "libidinal narcissism" from the self to the beloved. The beloved becomes a subst.i.tute for an "ego ideal." Ego ideal is part of the "super ego" that includes traits and values the parents approved and rewarded. The person in love (1914), Freud described the tendency to idealize when in love as evidence of the flow of "libidinal narcissism" from the self to the beloved. The beloved becomes a subst.i.tute for an "ego ideal." Ego ideal is part of the "super ego" that includes traits and values the parents approved and rewarded. The person in love projects projects his or her ego ideal onto the beloved. The traits and values that are present in this part of one's super ego, values and traits the individual hopes to acquire and views as supreme, are projected onto the beloved and perceived as existing in the beloved. his or her ego ideal onto the beloved. The traits and values that are present in this part of one's super ego, values and traits the individual hopes to acquire and views as supreme, are projected onto the beloved and perceived as existing in the beloved.

Freud distinguished between two forms of romantic love: narcissistic love, narcissistic love, or self-love; and or self-love; and anac.l.i.tic love, anac.l.i.tic love, the love of a person who resembles a parent. In self-love the person falls in love with a the love of a person who resembles a parent. In self-love the person falls in love with a "narcissistic object" that can be similar to oneself, similar to someone one would like to be, or had been, or someone who was part of oneself. An "anaclictic object" can be similar to the woman who fed and nurtured the child, Mother, or to the man who protected the child, Father. In some cases of narcissistic love the beloved becomes a subst.i.tute for an unachievable ego ideal. The admiration of the beloved enables the gratification of a "narcissistic need" for self-love. In extreme cases the "perfect" love object completely takes over the "modest and sacrificing" ego. In such cases the individual surrenders completely to the adored tyrant, the beloved.

Freud believed that falling in love with a person who resembles a parent, the anaclictic love object, is evidence of mature adult love, whereas the choice of someone who resembles oneself, a narcissistic object, is evidence of an infantile and regressive wish that should be overcome. In making the shift from narcissistic love to anaclictic love, the person changes from romantic love as the reflection in the beloved of one's own ego ideal, to loving the other for what the other really is. In mature love the person is enriched by internalizing the positive traits and ideals of an admired partner. These internalized values and traits become introjects, introjects, parts of the person's psyche, that help expand and enrich it. parts of the person's psyche, that help expand and enrich it.

It is interesting to note in this regard the Michelangelo Michelangelo Phenomenon Phenomenon-the partner as a sculptor of the ideal self (Drigonas et 158 al., 1997). A paragraph from Lynn Sharon Schwartz's book Rough Rough Strife Strife explains this name: explains this name: She thought often about Michelangelo's statues that they had seen years ago in Florence, in the first excitement of their love, figures hidden in block of stone, uncovered only by the artist's chipping away the excess, the superficial blur, till smooth and spare, the ideal shape was revealed. She and Ivan were hammer and chisel to each other.

The Michelangelo Phenomenon Michelangelo Phenomenon is a mutual pattern in which both partners sculpt each other in a way that moves each one of them closer to his or her ego ideal. Four different studies doc.u.mented the existence of the phenomenon in romantic love relationships. These studies also showed that the presence of the phenomenon, when partners feel that they bring each other closer to each other's ideal, is related to feelings of satisfaction and vitality in the relationship (Drigonas et al., 1997). is a mutual pattern in which both partners sculpt each other in a way that moves each one of them closer to his or her ego ideal. Four different studies doc.u.mented the existence of the phenomenon in romantic love relationships. These studies also showed that the presence of the phenomenon, when partners feel that they bring each other closer to each other's ideal, is related to feelings of satisfaction and vitality in the relationship (Drigonas et al., 1997).

EVALUATION OF FREUD'S THEORY OF ROMANTIC LOVE Freud's theor y made an important contr ibution to our understanding of the unconscious processes involved in falling in love. Later psychoa.n.a.lytic thinkers, building on Freud's concepts, view the earliest experiences in a child's life as more important for the choice of a love object than the experiences in the Oedipal stage. Others object to the great emphasis Freud put on the child's s.e.xual drive in the development of personality, and see primarily Mother, but also Father, as responsible for the romantic choice of both men and women. In addition, there are theorists as well as researchers who object to Freud's a.s.sumption that it is possible to learn about the normal and universal development of children from the phenomena and processes seen in adult pathologies. Some researchers went on to demonstrate that castration anxiety and p.e.n.i.s envy are rare, not universal experiences that every child undergoes (Nathan, 1981). Other researchers showed that, when asked to determine a person's s.e.x, children at the Oedipal stage pay more attention to hair length and clothes than to genitals.

The most consistent criticism of Freud's theory, however, came from the ranks of women psychoa.n.a.lysts, including his students and followers, who criticized his ideas on female s.e.xuality. These THE SON FALLS IN LOVE WITH "MOTHER"

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women a.n.a.lysts believed Freud conceptualized as he did because he was a man and lived in the Victorian era. One of earliest and most prominent of those critics was Karen Horney (1922; 1967).

Horney perceived her ideas as falling within the framework of Freud's theory and wanted to correct the fallacies in his thinking about women's psychology, as well as other issues. She objected to Freud's idea that p.e.n.i.s envy is the determining factor in the psychology of women. Horney believed, instead, that female psychology is based on lack of confidence and an overemphasis on love relationships, and has little to do with the anatomy of female s.e.x organs. Unlike Freud, Horney believed that the transition girls made from Mother to Father as a love object arose from their attraction to the opposite s.e.x, an attraction that has its roots in feminine s.e.xuality.

Based on her observations of children, Horney contended that feminine s.e.xuality is a primal experience that appears at an early age, and leads the girl to a unique s.e.xual ident.i.ty that is rooted in an awareness of her unique and preferred anatomy. She saw proof for this in girls' seductive behavior and enjoyment of dressing up. In other words, the attraction of a girl to her father is first and foremost an expression of her early feminine s.e.xuality, and not a compensation for disappointment or for p.e.n.i.s envy.

As for envy, Horney agreed that women envy men, not for their phallus however, but for the many rights and privileges that this organ ent.i.tles them to in a patriarchal society. She believed that the p.e.n.i.s envy of girls results from the restrictions and prohibitions imposed on their ability to satisfy their s.e.xual drives during the pre-Oedipal period, such as the strong prohibition against masturbation.

In her psychoa.n.a.lytic work with men, Horney saw evidence for the existence of womb envy, womb envy, men's envy of women's ability to give birth, parallel to women's p.e.n.i.s envy. The tendency of men to underestimate women, to devalue them, and to express low opinions and disregard for them, was seen by Horney as rooted in their envy of a woman's ability to get pregnant, give birth, and nurse. In men's castration anxiety, she saw a fear of women. In men's strong need to be successful and conquer, she saw evidence of their overcompensation for this unconscious feeling of inferiority. This masculine need for power has been seen by many feminists as the psychological basis of patriarchy. men's envy of women's ability to give birth, parallel to women's p.e.n.i.s envy. The tendency of men to underestimate women, to devalue them, and to express low opinions and disregard for them, was seen by Horney as rooted in their envy of a woman's ability to get pregnant, give birth, and nurse. In men's castration anxiety, she saw a fear of women. In men's strong need to be successful and conquer, she saw evidence of their overcompensation for this unconscious feeling of inferiority. This masculine need for power has been seen by many feminists as the psychological basis of patriarchy.

Postmodern feminist psychoa.n.a.lysts argue with every idea suggested by Freud including his "anatomy is destiny" axiom.

Here, for example, is Virginia Goldner: 160.

Freud began with the so-called anatomical difference, a social distinction that fixated on the genitals, from which he derived, in what is now a suspect sequence, the normative dominance of h.o.m.os.e.xuality and the dichotomous, complementary division of gender into the polarity male/female... In this narrative of development, the genitals determine s.e.xuality, which in turn, determines gender ident.i.ty... Now, every term in that sentence has been disrupted by doubt (1998).