Falling In Love: Why We Choose The Lovers We Choose Part 1

Falling in love: why we choose the lovers we choose.

by Ayala Malach Pines.

AC K N OW L E D G M E N T S

I am a very fortunate woman to be surrounded by brilliant, loving, and generous colleagues who are also my dear and cherished friends. All of them are extremely busy professionals who, nonetheless, found the time to read an early version of this book and improve it immensely with their profound feedback.

Dr. Anya Lane, my dear friend for many many years, has contributed to the book her deep knowledge of psychoa.n.a.lytic theory. Her insights were so profound that, generally, I simply quoted her. Dr. Lillian Rubin, my dear friend and admired role model, has helped make the book more concise and my voice in it clearer. Dr. Carole Pettiet, my spiritual and clear-thinking soul sister, read every word of the book and gave me priceless feedback that helped improve both its organization and style. Dr. Orenya Yanai helped clarify my thinking about the irrationality of falling in love.

This book has been brought to print by a young and dynamic team at Routledge. The team is headed by my wise and energetic publishing director, Heidi Freund; her hard-working a.s.sistant, Shea Settimi; the highly skilled managing editor, Anthony Mancini; publicists Ron Longe and Katharine Smalley; product manager Amy Lee and intern Joshua Feldman. Another invaluable member of the team is Abigail Baxter-the best, most intelligent copy editor an author can wish for. They are a wonderful team and a joy to work with.

But my deepest grat.i.tude is reserved for the hundreds of people who took part in my research and clinical work, who shared with me their moving, exciting, poetic, better-than-fiction, love stories.

Introduction.

A B O U T FA L L I N G I N L OV E.

A N D A B O U T T H I S B O O K.

Love to faults is always blind, always to joy inclin'd, lawless, wing'd, and unconfin'd, and breaks all chains from every mind.

-William Blake, "Poems,"

William Blake's Notebook Love blinds the eyes from seeing faults.

-Moshe Ben Ezra, "The Song of Israel"

F rom the first time I met him, there was something that rom the first time I met him, there was something that attracted me to him. I was actually going out with someone attracted me to him. I was actually going out with someone else, but there was something about the way he conducted himself else, but there was something about the way he conducted himself that attracted me.... With the couple of people I really, really liked, that attracted me.... With the couple of people I really, really liked, it's been the same thing. Right off I knew. But it wasn't l.u.s.t. it's been the same thing. Right off I knew. But it wasn't l.u.s.t.

There are definitely better looking people out there. But there's something about them...the combination of things...the look in something about them...the combination of things...the look in their eyes...the way they hold themselves... there's this kind of their eyes...the way they hold themselves... there's this kind of animal thing." animal thing."

"This is really funny. When I first saw her, I got the wrong impression. She was the good-looking blond chick that lived next impression. She was the good-looking blond chick that lived next to my friend Bob. I had the impression that she was the party type. to my friend Bob. I had the impression that she was the party type.

This turned out to be totally wrong when I got to know her better.

Since I spent a great deal of time with Bob, I saw a lot of her too.

Once I helped her with her Italian. Later it turned out that her Italian is far better than mine." Italian is far better than mine."

A NOTE. The quoted remarks throughout the book have been modified to protect the anonymity of the people interviewed. Primarily, I modified any references to culture, race, or geographic location, or references likely to identify the person speaking.

"A friend of mine wanted me to meet him because she was madly in love with him. When I first met him, I didnt understand what she saw love with him. When I first met him, I didnt understand what she saw in him. The next time I met him we had a chance to talk and then I in him. The next time I met him we had a chance to talk and then I found out what was so wonderful about him. He was interesting, and it found out what was so wonderful about him. He was interesting, and it was really pleasant to talk with him. He made me laugh, and I fell in was really pleasant to talk with him. He made me laugh, and I fell in love with him. I thought he was adorable, funny, warm...I had a boyfriend love with him. I thought he was adorable, funny, warm...I had a boyfriend at that time, but I lost interest in him real quick. I did everything I could at that time, but I lost interest in him real quick. I did everything I could to see more of him...I changed my bike route so I would go past his to see more of him...I changed my bike route so I would go past his house. But he didnt seem to notice. Later I discovered that he is very shy. house. But he didnt seem to notice. Later I discovered that he is very shy.

He thought I was dating the other guy and didn't want to make waves.

So it took him a very long time to get it. Finally, after about six months, we started dating. I think I said something like 'That guy is history.' we started dating. I think I said something like 'That guy is history.'

Then he said 'So, let's go out.' From then on, our relationship took off.

Now it's really hot. We are together all the time."

"She was a student in a cla.s.s I taught. She was very interested in the cla.s.s, and spent a lot of time with me. With time we became good friends. cla.s.s, and spent a lot of time with me. With time we became good friends.

At first I wasn't attracted to her. Now it's so obvious.... I feel sorry for people who dont have this kind of relationship. She makes me feel people who dont have this kind of relationship. She makes me feel complete. The best thing is the actual living together...the simple things. complete. The best thing is the actual living together...the simple things.

We love each other and we love the relationship. She once said to me on the phone, 'I'm in love with being in love with you.'" the phone, 'I'm in love with being in love with you.'"

THE MAGIC OF LOVE.

What sparks it? Why does one particular person ignite it, while another person, who seems so much more appropriate, does not?

Throughout history people have tried to understand and control the mysteries of love with magic potions, spells, prayers, and the powers of witches and sorcerers. This is not surprising, given the fact that, for most people, falling in love const.i.tutes one of the most emotionally intense, exhilarating, exciting, and significant of life's experiences. Alan Watts (1985) describes falling in love as a "divine madness" that is akin to the experience of mystical vision.

Falling in love is a thing that strikes like lightning and is, therefore, extremely a.n.a.logous to the mystical vision... We do not really know how people obtain [these experiences], and there is not as yet a very clear rationale as to why it happens. If you should be so fortunate as to encounter either of these experiences, it seems to me to be a total denial of life to refuse it (p. 23).

Even after many years, couples can describe in great detail how they fell in love with each other. Occasionally, but it's rare, their love is at first sight; a little more frequently it springs from a long friendship. At times it's the beloved's look that sparks the romantic attraction, at other times it's a wonderful and endearing quality, or a deeply moving, shared experience. The infatuation may evolve into a rewarding, committed love, or end in a destructive and painful relationship, or, it may just fizzle out. These last cases make us wonder. Since there was obviously nothing there to love, what was it that made me fall in love with this person? The inevitable conclusion is, I was blinded by love. Like the Romans who believed that Cupid, the naughty angel, arbitrarily shot his love arrows at his unsuspecting victims, so too do many of us believe in the arbitrariness of love. (See Figure 1.) We fall fall into love, it seems, both literally and figuratively. Infatuation commonly determines the final choice from a broad field of potential candidates, and some researchers claim that infatuation is into love, it seems, both literally and figuratively. Infatuation commonly determines the final choice from a broad field of potential candidates, and some researchers claim that infatuation is "inherently random" (Lykken & Tellegen, 1993). Thus many people, both lay and professional, do not believe that falling in love is a good enough reason for getting married. After all, love is blind, irrational, and temporary, while choosing a marriage par tner is ser ious business. Because it is expected to last forever, marriage is, and should be, given careful thought and consideration.

IS LOVE REALLY.

BLIND?.

A large body of theory and research, as well as my own research and FIGURE 1. In Roman mythology, Cupid is the G.o.d many years of clinical of love and pa.s.sion; in Latin, cupido cupido means pa.s.sion. means pa.s.sion.

work, have convinced He is the son of Venus, the G.o.ddess of love and beauty.

Naughty Cupid has no respect for age or social rank.

me that the answer to He flies here and there shooting his arrows arbitrarily this question is a firm at his victims-G.o.ds and mortals alike. Instantly, they no! In this book I will fall in love and burn with boundless pa.s.sion. (Cupid try to show that we fall is identified with the Greek G.o.d Eros. Eros. ) xiv ) xiv in love neither by chance or accident. Rather, we choose those with whom we fall in love very carefully in both conscious and unconscious ways. I will try to show how we choose the lovers we choose. From the discussion of this question it will become apparent why it is that people so often make what seem to them "errors in judgment." I will suggest steps for turning such "errors" into opportunities for individual and couple growth. For people who are looking for love relationships, each chapter of the book offers concrete tips for finding romantic love.

This book represents the two hats I wear as a psychologist. One is the hat of a social psychologist and researcher who, for many years, has studied various aspects of couple relationships. The other is the hat of a clinical psychologist who has worked for many years with individuals and couples on relationship issues. While I am very comfortable wearing both of these hats, scholars in these two branches of psychology tend to be rather dismissive of each other. Social psychologists like to conduct controlled studies involving large numbers of subjects. They regard clinical psychologists' data, which is based on clinical work with a small number of subjects who are often patients, as non-scientific at best. Clinical psychologists find social psychologists' obsession with statistics boring and their findings very often trivial.

I, myself, find the contributions of both approaches valuable and complementary (Pines, 1999). The social psychological approach focuses on the question of how people fall in love. What are the conditions that increase the likelihood that romantic love will happen? The clinical approach focuses on the question of why people fall in love with particular persons. Using social psychological research, it is possible to arrive at very specific and concrete recommendations that tell people what they should do to find a romantic partner.

Using theories in clinical psychology, people can figure out why they fall in love with particular persons or a particular category of people. While researchers find clinicians' preoccupation with such questions unscientific and their conclusions unfounded, clinicians often find researchers' conclusions simplistic and insignificant. I value both approaches and do not hesitate to present in this book, a) concrete, simple suggestions on how to find a romantic partner, and b) guidelines for discovering why we choose the lovers we choose.

The first part of the book presents the social psychological perspective, the second and third parts present the clinical perspective.

Researchers, students, and general readers who are interested in the details of a particular study, theory, or issue can find them in the endnotes.

In addition to an extensive review of the research done by others, this book is based on different studies in which I took part. In particular, three clinical studies will be mentioned prominently throughout the book. The first study involved close to one hundred young men and women who were interviewed about their most significant romantic relationships.1 The second is a cross-cultural study that compared American and Israeli accounts of falling in love.2 The third study, using one hundred couples, compared the reason each partner gave for why he or she had fallen in love with the reason behind the greatest stress that each later experienced in the relationship.3 The interviews were recorded and transcribed.

If you had been a subject in one of these studies, you would have been asked the following series of questions. (It's a good idea to think about these questions before reading the book.) Are you in a romantic relationship? If your answer is no, think about the most important relationship you have ever been in.

What was happening in your life at that time?

How did you meet your partner?

What was your first impression?

What attracted you to your partner?

At what point, if any, did you fall in love?

How did the relationship evolve?

What was, or is, the relationship like?

Is your partner similar to either one of your parents?

What were, or are, the areas of conflict in the relationship?

How are they resolved?

What was, or is, the most stressful aspect of your partner or of the relationship?

In a.n.a.lyzing the transcribed interviews I examined the different aspects of falling in love that previous studies and relevant theories had pointed out as critical. Do situational variables such as proximity and arousal really have an effect? Are characteristics of the beloved such as beauty and personality what make us fall in love? What about the effect of such things as similarity and a feeling of being desired?

What is the level of commitment in the romantic relationship? What is the level of intimacy?4 The a.n.a.lysis of the interviews enabled me to examine different theories that explain how people fall in love and whom they choose as romantic partners. The first part of the book presents the most xvi noteworthy of these theories. Most of the research studies have focused on one aspect of falling in love. The romantic attachment interviews, and an a.n.a.lysis of them, enabled me to examine simultaneously all the different aspects of falling in love.

The first two chapters discuss variables that have nothing to do with the beloved. These are situational variables situational variables that encourage and enhance falling in love. The first chapter presents studies doc.u.menting the power of that encourage and enhance falling in love. The first chapter presents studies doc.u.menting the power of proximity proximity as a hidden matchmaker. We feel more comfortable with and prefer familiar people. The second chapter focuses on the role played by as a hidden matchmaker. We feel more comfortable with and prefer familiar people. The second chapter focuses on the role played by arousal arousal in falling in love. People who are aroused, because of a painful loss, an unexpected success, or an exciting experience, are sitting ducks for Cupid's arrows. A woman in one of the romantic attraction studies described the arousing effect of an antic.i.p.ated trip abroad: in falling in love. People who are aroused, because of a painful loss, an unexpected success, or an exciting experience, are sitting ducks for Cupid's arrows. A woman in one of the romantic attraction studies described the arousing effect of an antic.i.p.ated trip abroad: "Our first date was unbelievable. We talked the whole night. We came home at 2 A.M., talked the whole night, and then collapsed. He was home at 2 A.M., talked the whole night, and then collapsed. He was very interesting. There was some magic in the fact that we got along so very interesting. There was some magic in the fact that we got along so well. He had to leave for Europe in two months. During these two well. He had to leave for Europe in two months. During these two months we spent every moment together. Everything went so well that months we spent every moment together. Everything went so well that we were a bit suspicious. In the past we had both had short-term we were a bit suspicious. In the past we had both had short-term relationships, after which we were happy to be alone. All of a sudden relationships, after which we were happy to be alone. All of a sudden we discovered each other. He was supposed to be away for six months we discovered each other. He was supposed to be away for six months and was thinking about canceling the whole trip. In those two months and was thinking about canceling the whole trip. In those two months we got out of the relationship what you get out of a three-year we got out of the relationship what you get out of a three-year relationship. When he was away he wrote and called. A phone bill of relationship. When he was away he wrote and called. A phone bill of close to a thousand dollars waited for him when he returned." close to a thousand dollars waited for him when he returned."

Suppose I were to ask you, "What made you you fall in love?" Chances are that in at least a part of your answer, you would mention some endearing personality fall in love?" Chances are that in at least a part of your answer, you would mention some endearing personality traits of the beloved traits of the beloved that captured your heart. In another part of your answer you would most likely mention some attractive feature in the beloved s look. that captured your heart. In another part of your answer you would most likely mention some attractive feature in the beloved s look. Beauty and character, Beauty and character, and the role they play in falling in love, are the subjects of the third chapter. and the role they play in falling in love, are the subjects of the third chapter.

A woman says: "He was open and friendly and looked cute."

A man says: "She looked very good, attractive, with her feet on the ground, and she was easy to talk to." She mentions his cute looks at the end, he mentions her good looks first. A coincidence?

No, say evolutionary psychologists, whose theory is presented in chapter seven.

In addition to situational variables and beloved variables, there are relationship variables relationship variables that have to do with different aspects of the interaction with the beloved. One such variable- that have to do with different aspects of the interaction with the beloved. One such variable- similarity similarity-is the INTRODUCTION xvii matchmaker's rule of thumb. Chapter four a.n.a.lyzes the role of similarity in romantic attraction, including similarity in interests, values, background, attractiveness, intelligence, and even in such things as genetic makeup and psychological health. Hundreds of studies from all over the world suggest that we love our reflection in the other. A young woman describes the effect.

"He is similar to me in many things, even though there are also many things in which we are different. We have many things in common. things in which we are different. We have many things in common.

For example we are both first-born children in our families and as a result we had similar childhood experiences, and we play similar roles result we had similar childhood experiences, and we play similar roles in our families. We had a special kind of closeness because of our in our families. We had a special kind of closeness because of our personality. We had similar insecurities about things." personality. We had similar insecurities about things."

The other relationship variables, which are discussed in chapter five, are reciprocity in attraction, reciprocity in attraction, meaning the knowledge that the other is attracted to us, and meaning the knowledge that the other is attracted to us, and need satisfaction, need satisfaction, the fact that the other satisfies an important need or provides something of value. The man who laughingly said, "The thing that I found most attractive about her was the fact that she was attracted to me" gives an example of reciprocity. The man who said, "She needed me, she needed someone who will respect her and I needed her" describes the positive effect of need satisfaction. the fact that the other satisfies an important need or provides something of value. The man who laughingly said, "The thing that I found most attractive about her was the fact that she was attracted to me" gives an example of reciprocity. The man who said, "She needed me, she needed someone who will respect her and I needed her" describes the positive effect of need satisfaction.

After discussing the seven variables that influence when and how people fall in love-each chapter ending with tips for seekers of love-chapter six describes the different roles these variables play at different stages of the falling-in-love process. process. At the beginning, during the getting-acquainted stage, physical appearance is an important selection criterion; a person whose appearance repulses us is, in most cases, rejected outright. In later stages, personality traits become important, and even later than that, similarities in att.i.tudes, values, and interests. Only a person who has successfully pa.s.sed the selection criteria of stage one, can proceed to stage two, where other selection criteria need to be pa.s.sed in order to proceed to stage three. A man describes this process, "What attracted me most was her looks, at first. Later, that she's great. She's nice. There was something about her, she would put my mind at ease." At the beginning, during the getting-acquainted stage, physical appearance is an important selection criterion; a person whose appearance repulses us is, in most cases, rejected outright. In later stages, personality traits become important, and even later than that, similarities in att.i.tudes, values, and interests. Only a person who has successfully pa.s.sed the selection criteria of stage one, can proceed to stage two, where other selection criteria need to be pa.s.sed in order to proceed to stage three. A man describes this process, "What attracted me most was her looks, at first. Later, that she's great. She's nice. There was something about her, she would put my mind at ease."

The subject of chapter seven is gender differences gender differences in love. Is it true that different selection criteria direct the romantic choices of men and women? Do women really prefer men who are rich and successful whereas men prefer women who are young and beautiful? Some, much debated evidence suggests that the answer is yes. A woman describes the attraction of an older, well-to-do xviii in love. Is it true that different selection criteria direct the romantic choices of men and women? Do women really prefer men who are rich and successful whereas men prefer women who are young and beautiful? Some, much debated evidence suggests that the answer is yes. A woman describes the attraction of an older, well-to-do xviii man. "He was older than me. There was a difference between him and the boys my age.... He could go out and spend money...the maturity...I don't know." A man describes the appeal of beauty. "She totally dazzled me.... She is very beautiful, a natural beauty, and quiet. There was something mysterious about her that charmed me."

The first part of the book deals with variables that are largely known and conscious and, thus, the subject of a huge number of studies. Social psychologists are primarily interested in how the environment, both physical and social, affects the individual.

Consequently, this part of the book focuses on external variables that are observable and enhance the chance of falling in love.

While the first part of the book is based primarily on research, the second and third parts are based pr imarily on clinical experience-others' and mine-and on psychodynamic theory.

While social psychology emphasizes the role of the external environment, psychodynamic theory emphasizes the role played by internal images and unconscious forces. Chapter eight addresses the question of why some people seek and find intimate relationships easily and feel secure in them; while others avoid love, either because they are not interested or because they are "simply" too busy; and yet others cling to it so desperately that they scare off potential partners. Chapter nine discusses Freud's well known dictum that a woman falls in love with a man who reminds her of her father, and a man falls in love with a woman who reminds him of his mother. Chapter ten focuses on the internal internal romantic image romantic image that determines those with whom we choose to fall in love, and explains why. that determines those with whom we choose to fall in love, and explains why.

Chapter eleven demonstrates the operation of the internal romantic image in four stories told by two men and two women: a man and a woman who describe very intimate and satisfying relationships, and a man and a woman who, at the same age, have never been in intimate relationships.

The third part of the book answers the question why people so often believe that they have made mistakes in their romantic choices, and how such seeming errors can be turned into opportunities for growth. This part is based almost entirely on my experience as a clinical psychologist and couple therapist, and on the writings of other couple therapists. It represents my conviction that the best place for us to grow as individuals is in the context of an intimate relationship. It is far more challenging, and thus better, than individual therapy, which takes place only one or a few hours a week in the security and comfort of a therapist's office.

Chapter twelve is based on an a.n.a.lysis of the relationships of one hundred couples. A few of these couples are described in detail. In each case, the problem that brought the couple for treatment is presented, followed by key points in the personal history of each partner, and finally, their history as a couple, from their first encounter, through falling in love, deciding to form a committed relationship, to their problems becoming serious enough to seek help. In each case it is clear that the traits and behaviors that made the couple fall in love with each other continue to play a significant role in their relationship later on.

This connection has very practical implications that are translated into step-by-step instructions for couples on how to turn their relationship step-by-step instructions for couples on how to turn their relationship problems into opportunities for growth. problems into opportunities for growth.

A caveat. The last two parts of the book present falling in love from a psychodynamic perspective. This perspective has been criticized for putting too much emphasis on childhood experiences and unconscious forces and not enough emphasis on people's conscious goals, hopes, aspirations, and spiritual quests. This is an important point to address because people today, more so than in other periods of history, have very high hopes when they fall in love. Despite the subjective feeling of lovers that love is timeless and boundless, it is nonetheless true that romantic love exists within a particular cultural context (Lindholm, 1998). While romantic love has reigned supreme among other forms of love since time immemorial, it is only in recent years that it has been promoted as the basis for marriage. There is an almost universally shared desire to believe that the emotional bond of love is strong enough to sustain a long-term intimate relationship. Many people today even try to derive a sense of meaning and significance for their entire lives from their love relationships.5 Thus, it is extremely important that people's ideals, goals, hopes, and spiritual journeys be given as much acknowledgment as their past. The last two parts of the book present falling in love from a psychodynamic perspective. This perspective has been criticized for putting too much emphasis on childhood experiences and unconscious forces and not enough emphasis on people's conscious goals, hopes, aspirations, and spiritual quests. This is an important point to address because people today, more so than in other periods of history, have very high hopes when they fall in love. Despite the subjective feeling of lovers that love is timeless and boundless, it is nonetheless true that romantic love exists within a particular cultural context (Lindholm, 1998). While romantic love has reigned supreme among other forms of love since time immemorial, it is only in recent years that it has been promoted as the basis for marriage. There is an almost universally shared desire to believe that the emotional bond of love is strong enough to sustain a long-term intimate relationship. Many people today even try to derive a sense of meaning and significance for their entire lives from their love relationships.5 Thus, it is extremely important that people's ideals, goals, hopes, and spiritual journeys be given as much acknowledgment as their past.

The research appendix, the last part of the book, presents the categories used to a.n.a.lyze the romantic attraction interviews. It makes it possible for interested readers to a.n.a.lyze their own relationships according to these categories. The appendix also presents research data on different aspects of falling in love. It enables those readers who graded their relationship to compare it to the data generated in the different studies. Students and researchers can find in the appendix the kind of "hard" data that they need but that most readers can do without.

All in all, the book addresses the following fascinating questions about falling in love: xx * What situations increase the likelihood of falling in love?

* What traits and behaviors make some people easier to love?

* What selection process precedes and later underlies falling in love?

* What is the role of beauty in falling in love?

* Are the things that make men and women fall in love similar or different?

* Is it true that men fall in love with women who remind them of their mothers and women fall in love with men who remind them of their fathers?

* Why do some people fall in love easily and find happiness in their relationships, some want desperately to be in a relationship but are not, and some avoid love altogether?

* How do we choose our lovers?

* Why do some people fall in love repeatedly with people who are bad for them?

* What is the dynamic of obsessive love?

* Where in the brain does falling in love happens?

* What brain chemistry is responsible for the elation a.s.sociated with falling in love?