Fallen - Child Of Mercy Part 18

"What did we say about not letting guests into the house without my permission?" I asked, taking pains to keep the frustration out of my voice.

"He did not ask permission, Mistress, he simply..."

That meant it was probably an angel in there, maybe Remiel or... ugh, I hoped it wasn't Nathanael. "Who's in there, Nelo?" I looked past him, my mouth doing dry at the sight of Adam kicking back on my sofa.

Adam. Holy s.h.i.t...

"I think I'm hallucinating..." I murmured, even as he rose with fluid grace, his handsome features unmistakable. Dressed in his trademark black denim jeans and a black t-shirt that stretched tight across his perfect body, I could only stand there, staring at him stupidly as he leaned against the back of my couch. His brilliant blue eyes, the same color as mine, swept over the swell of my belly.

"Long time no see," he smirked.

Chapter Eighteen.

I couldn't say a word. Where would I even start?

"Mercy?" His brows drew together into a single dark line when I didn't immediately run into his arms. I wasn't convinced I hadn't nodded off into a crazy dream somewhere between work and home, crashing my car into a ditch. It was incomprehensible to me that the real Adam could be standing in my living room looking like he'd just popped down to the corner store a half hour ago instead of disappearing for months.

"Wh..." My voice had no sound, and I licked my lips, trying again. "Why are you here?"

His eyes dropped to my abdomen, pausing for a drawn out moment. "I think I may have made a mistake."

The mighty Adam admitting fault? After all that time had pa.s.sed? A slew of retorts slipped past my tongue, none of them taking shape. Instead, a single word emerged, summing up exactly how I felt. "No."

"I appreciate that, Merce, but I do have to take my share of the blame." He fixed me with a lopsided grin and I just lost it.

"Your share?" I choked on the words. "Are you calling some of this debacle my fault?"

"Well, not exactly." His brows twitched together again, not sure how to take my outburst. "But it takes two to tango, so it's not entirely..." He swallowed uncomfortably (I imagined at noticing how I was doing my level best to set him on fire with the power of my brain). Sadly, I didn't possess those powers, so I had to settle for words.

"You have fifteen seconds to tell me why you're here."

"Like I said..." He licked his lips, taking a step towards me. "I admit, I was a little hasty in leaving, but I think I've figured out how we can be together in a way."

"In a way?" That I had to hear.

"Sure. It won't be as good as what we had before, but there's no reason for us to be completely apart, not when we can still see each other in the Ether."

"The Ether," I replied woodenly. "That's your big idea for getting back together?" No apologies, no attempts to make anything up to me or find a way to raise our child together; he offered a Band-aid without addressing the wound.

"It makes perfect sense if you think about it. Especially without Azazael stalking you in there anymore." He looked so pleased with himself for thinking of it. I had to clench my hand, fingernails digging little half moons into my palms, before I could speak without tearing his head off.

"Adam," I said as calmly as I could manage. "I would like you to leave, right now."

"But I just got here..."

"It's too late." That summed it up as simply as I could manage. Even though a traitorous part of me ached to run into his arms and beg him never to leave again, I couldn't allow myself to be that weak. I deserved better, d.a.m.n it, and I couldn't let him smooth it all over like it didn't matter.

"You said you wanted to know what I thought about you marrying Parker." His brows rose mildly, not overly perturbed by my p.r.o.nouncement. "Why call me if you don't want to hear what I have to say?"

"That was before I told him yes. It's too late now."

"You're not already married are you?" Adam edged closer, slowly, as if he expected me to bolt like a skittish colt.

"No..." I took a deep breath, trying to regain control of the conversation. "Adam, I just got my life back. You can't show up whenever you want and expect me to drop everything for you." Was that even what he was doing? Did he really expect me to accept the Ether and nothing more?

"I don't, but marrying Parker? Come on, you can't seriously tell me you're in love with that..."

"Hey, Parker's been there for me," I interrupted, jabbing him in the chest with my finger. "That's more than I can say for you."

"Point taken." He rubbed at his pec absently. "But not because I wanted it that way."

"Really? Because it sure seems like you're the one making that decision each time you leave. What happened to loving me more than any other man ever?" I didn't bother to try and hide the hurt accusation in my voice.

"I meant it when I said it." His eyes blazed with brilliant, blue fire as Adam took hold of my shoulders. He would have pulled me closer still, but for my hands pushing at his chest to keep the cushion of s.p.a.ce between us.

"You have a s.h.i.tty way of showing it."

"Look, I said I made a mistake, okay?" He let go of my arms, but not before I noticed how much stronger I was than him with Raziel's Grace. "I'm here now, let's fix this."

"It doesn't work like that. Five months might be a drop in the bucket of time for someone like you, but I've lived through it day in and day out."

"Is that what you think?" His eyes narrowed to slits. "That I didn't feel the same bleeding hole in my heart every day I was away from you?"

I felt myself drawn into his angst, and I gathered my pain around me like a shield. "Don't you dare try to make me feel sorry for you when it was you who left in the first place! And don't you dare try to make me feel bad for trying to cobble a life for myself with Parker."

"That's my kid, not Parker's. He can't swoop in and play daddy just like that." Adam snapped his fingers.

"You didn't seem so sure about that when you found out I was pregnant," I retorted, remembering the pain of that accusation.

"I was upset..."

"That makes two of us."

"Don't do this, Mercy." His voice was plaintive, and I made a point of avoiding his gaze, keeping my resolve strong.

"You don't get to tell me what to do anymore. You made it perfectly clear you don't want to be a part of our lives."

"Yeah, for your own protection."

"Then what are you doing here, trying to keep me away from Parker? Shouldn't I be with someone who can protect me, 'cause I obviously can't rely on you." I turned to walk away from him and he grabbed hold of my arm, holding me back.

"Because I happen to love you."

"Then stop messing with my head!" I shoved against his chest, pushing him against the wall hard enough for the air to rush out of his lungs. Adam's arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me with him, and my body pressed against him intimately.

"Are you saying you don't love me anymore?"

Oh, I felt something alright... but it wasn't enough. I realized it for the first time, and that alone gave me the strength to pull away from the lure of those lips poised so close to mine. "It has nothing to do with what I feel for you. It's not about what I want or what you want anymore, it's all about this little one." I pushed away from him, hands settling over my abdomen. "You're out of the picture, I've made my peace with that."

Adam looked anything but peaceful with my decision. "You don't need him, you're stronger than that. I gave you plenty of money..."

"Is that your solution to everything, throw money at it? I don't want your stupid money. And that's not why I'm marrying Parker either."

"Why are you marrying him?"

"Because I can count on him."

"Well, cue the violins, that might be the most romantic thing I've ever heard," he deadpanned.

"That's what I need in a man right now. I don't need money, a fancy house, or s.e.xy bedroom eyes. I need a man who'll be there for me when the baby gets sick at two in the morning, and to do the laundry when I'm dead on my feet, or just to smile at me when I've had a c.r.a.ptastic day. I'm tired of being alone."

"Then hire a nanny with capped teeth. That's not a good reason to marry someone."

"Maybe I love him."

"No, you don't," Adam snorted, not convinced in the slightest by my reply.

"I could love him if I wanted to," I insisted. "He's good looking and decent and he makes me laugh."

"So does Sam, it doesn't mean you should marry him either."

The mention of Sam brought a whole other rush of frustrations for his boneheaded treatment of Daphne, pretty much killing his point. "Well, it's not up to you. Is that the only reason you came here? To order me not to marry Parker?"

"I'm not ordering you, I'm pointing out the stupidity of your impending decision."

"Fine, then I'm pointing out the stupidity of your continued absence."

"Maybe someday..." A wistful note crept into his voice and I had to force my train of thought not to go there. Not that I was ready to take him back like nothing happened, but if he'd decide to beg my forgiveness and pledge to be by my side always instead of his stupid Ether idea...

"I can't live my life for someday. If you can't make a commitment to me and our daughter right now..."

"It's a girl?" He lost his train of thought, eyes landing on my belly again with wonder before he tore his gaze back up to mine. I saw the answer in his eyes before he said the words. "You know I can't."

"I'm serious Adam. If you can't be here for us, then you should just leave and don't come back."

Adam looked as though I'd slapped him. "You don't mean that."

"The h.e.l.l I don't. I told you, this isn't about you and me anymore. I have to think about our future. I mean it, Adam."

"Mercy..."

I walked to the door, pulling it open expectantly. "Goodbye, Adam."

Adam was silent as he crossed the room, until he paused in front of me. "You know this isn't over between us. You still love me."

"I know I do," I acknowledged, swallowing past a lump of emotion that made it difficult to speak. "Part of me will always love you. But I can't let you hurt me anymore. I deserve to be with a man who loves me every day."

Pain flickered across his features and Adam gave me a last, lingering look. "I never wanted to hurt you."

I looked away, not trusting myself to speak because it took everything I had not to pull him into my arms for a kiss goodbye, or to throw all my good intentions aside and take what he offered. Adam paused, waiting for me to reply, his boots ringing on the cheap linoleum in the hallway once he got the message loud and clear.

Shutting the door, I sagged against the wall, biting my lips to keep from making any sound as the tears spilled freely down my cheeks.

It was over, really over. I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry for a week, until Bunny kicked me firmly in the ribs and I was reminded my life wasn't over. Far from it. No matter how much it hurt to say those things to Adam, I meant every word of it. I deserved better, and I would make a better life for my child no matter what.

Swiping at my cheeks, I made a beeline for the box of tissues on the coffee table, blowing my nose noisily. "You can come out now, Nelo. The yelling part is over."

I knew how much it bothered him when we fought, and it strengthened my feeling that I'd done the right thing. How much would it bother our child to suffer through arguments over the years? My psyche still had the battle scars from my screwed up childhood, I couldn't put my daughter through it if I had a choice in the matter.

"Master Adam is gone?" Nelo stepped out of the shadow behind the TV, amber eyes looming large in his face.

"Yep, Adam is gone for good."

"I thought you wanted him to return," he blinked in confusion.

"I did."

"But you don't any longer?"

"It's... complicated, Nelo."

"If you say so, Mistress."

I sat there on the couch, my eyes on the darkness outside the sliding gla.s.s door as Nelo puttered around the apartment, leaving me to my thoughts. Gradually the sky lightened, revealing a gray, drizzly day that matched my mood.

I kept coming back to the last thing I'd said to Adam. I deserved to be with a man who loved me every day. But what about what Parker - didn't he deserve the same?

"What am I doing?" I murmured to the empty room, gratified when Nelo's head poked out of the closet.

"Were you speaking to me, Mistress?"

"Tell me I'm not making a huge mistake in marrying Parker."

"You are not making a huge mistake in marrying Parker," he parroted back, and I shot him a look.

"No... don't tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me what you really think."

"He loves you very much."

"Yeah," I nodded, laying my head on the arm of the couch, "that's the problem."