F Volume 2 Chapter 3

As usual, it was a cloudy morning.

I put on a tone of nonchalance and asked Louie for a favor.

"I'm sorry that it'll end up wasting time, but can we go back to the village of Urs for a bit?"

Louie, who was getting rid of the traces that we had camped here for the night, turned to me in suspicion. I continued,

"I think we'll be able to reach Urs again from here by noon."

"……Why do you need to return?"

"So actually, the lighter——it's a tool from my world for putting things on fire, and I accidentally left it at Urs. Erm, it's the small silver thing that I threw at the Reims yesterday. It actually belongs to my uncle. That's why I want to retrieve it no matter what."

I began to recite the excuse that I'd prepared in advance.

"I know that it's better just to leave it behind, but I'm kinda scared of losing things that connect me back to the other world……"

It was a barefaced lie. Not to mention an unfair one, or so I thought. But there was a chance that Louie wouldn't let me go back to Urs if I told him how I was really feeling.

——I want to know if the dream I had last night was real.

I couldn't help but look down when I felt Louie's gaze on me. My guilty consciousness kept me from looking at him properly in the eye.

I could tell that Louie was being hesitant. He probably didn't want to go back to Urs if at all possible, since a lot of terrible stuff had happened there. It was only natural that he was suspicious of me for asking so much of him.

"——Is it something that you absolutely cannot bear to lose?"

Louie asked as if he was trying to emphasize his point. I nodded repeatedly because I wanted to get this conversation over with as fast as possible.

"Very well."

Was he exasperated at me for making such an excessive request, or was he angry at me? I hung down my head upon hearing the sigh mixed in with his reply.

***

We arrived back at Urs late in the morning.

We arrived earlier than I'd expected because Eru let Louie ride his back too, and not just me. Eru was despondent on the road and was in rather low spirits.

We pa.s.sed by the fields and through the stone gate. My heartrate grew uncomfortably fast. The air was unusually heavy. And, a rotten stench had spread throughout the area that hadn't been here yesterday.

Everything looked noticeably darker too, though it could just be that my heart was making me see it that way.

"Will you really be going to the place where we were last night, Hibiki?"

"Yeah."

Louie suddenly asked hesitantly when the buildings began to come into view.

"……May I stay with you?"

I couldn't answer his quiet question. Hadn't I been the one who'd first said that I wanted to stay with him?

The exchange we'd shared only yesterday felt far away, as if it had taken places years ago instead.

"Hibiki."

The scene before my eyes stole my gaze away as I attempted to respond to Louie, who had called out to me in a heartrending voice.

"Oh……"

I jumped down from Eru. I stared unblinkingly at the scene——at the remains of the attack from last night.

The aftermath of a tragedy revealed itself underneath the dark grey sky.

I moved away from Eru and Louie, who stayed where they were, with shaking steps.

"No…"

My nightmare had overlapped perfectly with reality.

A mountain of corpses covered the road——.

A scene that was a horrible as I'd expected existed before my eyes.

"It wasn't just a nightmare. My dream was actually "real"."

I walked up to the closest lump of charred flesh.

The lump was a burnt corpse that was so ghastly that I truly wanted to look away.

Every lump had been burnt pitch black, perhaps because they had been showered by the bloodied water. Worst of all was the fact that they had lost so much of their original forms that I couldn't tell whether they remained as Reims or if they had returned to their human shapes.

But, I could just barely see that they had arms and legs.

"All these people……I really, really…"

I desperately held on to my consciousness before it faded away. Chills ran up from the bottom of my feet.

"I can't carry this truth……"

The remains of the enormous amount of death I'd caused would not disappear even after I'd rubbed my eyes so hard I thought my eyelids would tear apart.

They wouldn't return. The souls of the charred corpses wouldn't return even if I cut them with the divine sword.

I reached out a trembling had toward one of the soot-covered corpses.

The corpses were cold, having lost all their heat, but their flesh and skin were slimy, likely because they'd been so hideously burnt. A black stain spread out beneath them like ink.

There were even lumps of flesh with something that looked like bones sticking out. Even the insides of the bones had been dyed black.

"What should I have done instead? If I'd entrusted my life to Louie……if I'd let myself get killed by the Reims, then none of this would have…"

But I didn't want to die.

I wanted Louie to keep living, too.

"I thought I could do anything for that."

I absentmindedly surveyed my surroundings. There were corpses that expressed their anguish with the entirety of their bodies. There was even a corpse that had clawed the earth and was stretching out its arm as far as it would go as if it was seeking salvation. The lower half of the carbonized corpse had largely been torn apart.

I fell into the illusion that someone was screaming loudly in my head. Finally, I sank down to the ground where I stood.

My gaze, which I had let wander aimlessly, fell onto another blackened lump of flesh.

"——Oh."

The black lump in my gaze was a bit more distorted and smaller than the rest. I'd heard before that corpses that had been burnt to death shrank into boxer-like positions, so, for a moment, I'd thought that was why.

I quickly realized that I was wrong.

Half of their face was burnt. The skin below the parts that had carbonized was red with erythema. There was a dull l.u.s.ter to the red spots, making it all look so horribly raw.

"That person. She was the first person I resurrected……"

Her forehead was covered in soot. Her eyes were shut tight. Her twisted expression had frozen in the shape of the unimaginable terror and agony she had suffered.

"Your golden hair was beautiful. I was so happy when you revived that I felt that you had saved me."

And yet…

All the strength left my body. I didn't know what to think. I couldn't feel any signs of life, and I thought that I could feel only her resent rising up and swirling around me.

I staggered back up to my feet. The rows of corpses continued on no matter how far I walked and walked and the ground was dyed black.

My foot caught on something as I walked and I fell over. As my line of vision shifted, I saw that my ankle had caught the hand of a corpse. It was like it had grabbed onto me in an attempt to keep me from running away from this death-colored village.

I tried to free myself and suddenly realized. That I was sitting on top of somebody's corpse. Their burnt, melted, and blackened skin was stuck on my robes. And on my hands and shoes.

Should I close my eyes, should I keep them open, should I keep walking on, should I stop in my tracks——.

"Hibiki."

My body was suddenly lifted up as I heard a voice. My voice wouldn't come out, and I didn't know where I was or what I should do.

I heard a desperate, sorrowful cry.

My mind finally returned to normal as I blinked repeatedly.

Louie had carried me somewhere a little way from the black road. He had gently sat me down on the trunk of a fallen tree.

Eru cooed and licked my cheek. He snuggled up to me again and again as if he was trying to push his bushy mane and nose into me.

When I turned around because someone had suddenly taken my hand, I saw that Louie was kneeling awkwardly with one knee on the ground. He took out a hand towel from a small pouch hanging from his waist and carefully wiped my fingers with it as I stared blankly back at him.

The black ink stuck to the cloth.

"Louie……"

Louie stopped moving his hands when I quietly called out to him and I think he was looking at me. Meanwhile, I was looking single-mindedly at the black road sprawling out behind him.

"I'm sorry."

I was supposed to die——I wanted someone to tell me off and say that I should have died instead of them.

This was what I finally thought after seeing the incredible brutality of this reality. It was far too little, far too late.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have come to this world. I've only made you suffer so much, Louie, and I've done so many cruel things…"

"Hibiki."

Louie called out to me in a stronger tone, but I couldn't keep my gaze from moving. It kept going around and around.

"Olin and Silvai were troubled……before I came here. I wanted them to leave everything to me if I could get things done. I thought that I could do anything as long as I tried hard enough. But that's not how it works. I've only made things worse by taking on everything so simply without thinking anything about the future. I didn't try to understand anything. I didn't understand anything at all."

The words spilled endlessly out of my mouth as if I was broken.

"I wanted to help that woman. I wanted to hear her say "thank you, it was all thanks to you." I wanted her to tell me she was glad that I was here……"

Louie looked at me without once turning away.

"I didn't want to die. I was so scared. ——I still can't help but think about how I want keep living! Even after doing something so horrible, even still, I still don't want to die!!"

My arm was shaken gently when I covered my face with my hands.

"Please look at me, Hibiki."

I couldn't look up for a while even at his urging. A long time had pa.s.sed before I quietly looked up at him.

Louie's eyes were as beautiful as ever——and they looked like they held a maddening emotion within.

Something cold and hard was suddenly dropped into my hands.

It was the lighter.

"It was a lie when you said that you wanted to search for this, wasn't it? You wanted to return here to confirm this disaster, didn't you?"

Would he curse me if I replied yes? Would he hate me so much he'd want to kill me?

"Please, look. Look at me."

I stared back into Louie serious and earnest eyes when he asked me again.

"Do you know what I thought?"

Louie's hand brushed against my throat. For a moment, I mistakenly thought that he was about to choke me, but that wasn't the case.

"What do you think was going through my head last night? While you were suffering, while you were alone and being tormented by your guilty conscience…… I'm certain that I was feeling joy——"

——Joy?

"Riots and fighting broke out across the land when destruction befell upon it. An enemy country, which took relatively fewer damages than us, planned to use the disaster as an opportunity to invade us and marched their army. I am a knight. I have had to burn villages and forests like this in order to make the enemy soldiers retreat. I had only felt empty every time I did, but this time…"

Louie's eyes reflected his past for a moment before quickly returning to reality.

"…I embraced such joy that I thought I would lose my mind."

"……Huh? Why would you……?"

"It is because you chose the path of living with me."

No, I just didn't want to go through the same cruel fate as the woman had——.

"You signified that you chose to walk together with me, even if you had to sacrifice the others."

"Louie, I…"

It hurt.

I had never entertained such pure feelings. I was simply too absorbed in staying alive.

"That is what happened in the end. I felt as much despicable joy as you suffered from the sins you blamed yourself for."

"Did you……follow after me last night?"

"Yes."

I could see nothing despicable in Louie's eyes as he confessed. I only felt his unexaggerated kindness and sympathy for me. And yet, there was a sorrowful light in shining in them.

"Are you saying this to console me……?"

"No. I don't want to console you. Because your pain belongs to me,"

Louie replied without hesitation. He continued,

"and so, I wanted to stop you for a moment when you told me that you wished to come here and retrieve something that you needed to remind yourself of your home country."

Louie's hand gently stroked my cheek. He quickly lowered it back down again.

"But, in truth, you were concerned not with an object that connected you to your home country, but with only your sins. I could not help but be filled with joy. I embraced great delight as I faced the inerasable sins before me."

Louie lowered his eyes and quietly placed his head on my knee. His movements carried the same sense of reverence as if he was prostrating himself.

"I am fulfilled as your guilt torments you. While I never wish for you to drown yourself in agony, I still want for you to stay with me like this. The sin that this scene points out to me is none other than the sin of deep, dark jubilance."

"That's only because you were alone for so long that you're afraid to lose me…"

He would surely think otherwise after some time had pa.s.sed and he regained his senses.

Louie raised his head, as if he had heard the denial that I left unsaid, and shook his head ever so slightly. He quickly returned his head to my knee.

"No. I will not change no matter who stands by my side in the future."

"Louie."

"This is my sin as well. I, too, have sacrificed them."

"You're wrong! I was the one who killed them. I wasn't even considering your feelings, Louie!"

I couldn't forget the look in his eyes that I'd seen at that time. Awe and fear. There was only a very fine line between the two.

"In that case, then please allow me to carry your sins as well."

"Wh, what are you talking about?"

"You're the one who said you wanted to share the pain. ……You also said you wanted to hear my voice from close by."

Louie looked up with his cheek still resting on my knee. I clenched my stomach and desperately pushed down the impulse that had burst up from inside me.

His kind words hurt. It made me really want to cling to him. I wanted to cry and apologize, and I wanted him to tell me sweet words saying that he acknowledged I was sad, that everything would be all right, and that it was okay to forget it all. I had no doubt that Louie would surely whisper the words I wanted to hear if I only asked for it. He would say them as many times as I asked.

"Louie, you can't do that, you just can't."

"Why not? This is what I desire."

Because if he did…

…I would become uglier than I already was now. I would endlessly keep seeking to hear the words that were the most convenient for me. I might even stop feeling anything even when I hurt someone.

The sins spread out before me were something that I couldn't possibly carry. But, even if I felt this way, I couldn't turn away from them. I was not allowed to forget them. Your sins would be judged by other people, but your heart was something you judged for yourself.

"Please, grant me your sins."

"——Louie."

I grew weak. I knew that I shouldn't succ.u.mb to his sweet words but I was still being cowardly like this anyway. I hung down my head to claim that everything was my responsibility and I put on the admirable act of reflecting on my actions. I did this despite knowing that Louie would realize I was doing this because he was so kind.

——That's right. I'm pretty sure Louie was afraid of me and repulsed by me. But he's the kind of person who'd gently try to embrace my heart anyway.

I reached out and touched Louie's hair. He narrowed his eyes and quietly watched me do this.

"Thank you, but your words are enough for me."

I'd received much, much more than enough kindness from him, hadn't I? Even if his att.i.tude had changed a little, Louie's consideration for me and his fidelity as a knight were real.

Louie raised his head and furrowed his brows a bit.

"What is the meaning of your words? ——Hibiki, I…"

Louie mumbled as he stared earnestly into me. I looked out far into the distance. To the land that was covered by darkness and death. I couldn't help that it made my heart hurt.

I'd thought that I wouldn't be able to remain sane after bringing about such a great tragedy. I'd thought that my heart would shatter.

But it didn't.

I'm sure it was because Louie was here with me. I would have lost myself long ago if I was alone.

I grew conscious of my beating heart. I want to grow stronger. Stronger and stronger. Strong enough that no one needs to die. Strong enough that I'll never bring about such tragedy ever again.

I wanted to become stronger than I wished to.

And one day, I'll let myself be judged by the people of this kingdom.

I had to make sure to engrave this in my heart or I'd quickly forget, because I was weak, about the sins I'd committed.

I'm sorry, but please let me continue forward for now.

I'll come back here without fail.

So please, judge me for my sins when I do.

——I have to become stronger, so, so much stronger, no matter what.

"You know…"

I held back my trembling heart and smiled just a little.

I got up and hugged Louie as hard as I could.

His shoulders jerked in surprise and he caught my entire weight with just his body.

A sharp pain ran through my heart again. It's scary to get touched by me, isn't it?

But, indulge me just for now. I won't make you uneasy again from now on, Louie.

"So regarding the meaning of my words…"

I swear I'll become strong enough that I won't ever lose to fate.

"……Hibiki?"

I pulled away from Louie and peered into his bewildered face.

"I was thinking that I'll have to penalize you because you're talking like you did when we first met, Louie."

My smile deepened as I watched Louie blink his eyes in confusion.

The remains of people's lives wavered like a heat haze beyond him.

***

I had expected that our journey to Lavann, where the temple was, would be harsh, but it was actually rather peaceful.

Multiple misfortunes, like the times when we had been attacked by monsters on the road or when we had suffered because of the insects, had awaited us when we were traveling to the village of Urs. Since those unfortunate memories were still fresh in my mind, I'd thought that the journey to Lavann, which was even longer, would be even more difficult. My worries made the silence feel unnerving, instead of otherwise.

We were taking a break underneath the branches of a tree that hung down like an umbrella.

I had suddenly come up with the idea to record the course of our journey and the surrounding terrain and decided to do just that.

The people of Gallè evidently didn't leave behind detailed maps or notes about their land, but I wasn't very good at memorizing things. I decided that it was best to leave myself a memo just in case.

"And I wanna read it later too."

As for the possibility that someone might read my notes——I actually wasn't really concerned about that. It wasn't only just because there weren't any "people" other than me and Louie.

"I'm pretty sure that no one in Gallè can read j.a.panese……"

The writing in this kingdom was completely different from j.a.panese.

For example, it was almost like the difference between the Roman alphabet and j.a.panese kanji. Also, while it was technically possible to decipher my map, my drawing abilities were something to behold.

Plus, all of the explanations for the map were in j.a.panese. There was no need to worry that someone could use it with ill intentions.

"I'm so glad I brought my journal with me."

Inside my bag was a large blue journal that was peppered with my favorite stickers. There were other things inside that might be of use someday too.

A multicolored ballpoint pen was hooked on my journal so that I could write in it whenever I wished.

"My journal's kinda thick……"

I undid the clasp and flipped through the pages.

The words I had written with the colorful pen during my peaceful days in j.a.pan danced on the pages. Inside of the clear folders that came attached with the journal was an old movie ticket, some pictures I'd taken with my friends, my uncle's business card, stickers, and a sc.r.a.p of paper with somebody's phone number on it. And also my school time schedule.

I looked at a guide map to some of the public utilities in my hometown and a railway map and felt conflicted.

"There aren't any trains in this world……so I guess I don't really have much use for a railway map."

The free s.p.a.ces in my journal were filled with small thoughts of mine and a few things my friends had written down as a prank. Many tiny sc.r.a.ps of trite but happier days were recorded in the pages. I panicked a little as my tear glands threatened to moisten.

The words I saw here felt so far away, even though there was no doubt that I was the one who had written them. Inside the pages was a version of me who didn't know the smell of blood, the fear that came hand-in-hand with silence, or the brutal atmosphere of this world.

"——I never realized until today."

That the days that I had once thought as dull and bland were actually so brilliant and hard to come by.

"……Hibiki?"

Louie, who had apparently been watching what I was doing, called out to me diffidently.

My situation wouldn't change for the better even if I immersed myself in sentimentality. I quickly smiled and looked up.

"Why don't we rest for a while since it's not too dangerous right now? Wanna take a nap here?"

As always, Louie had been keeping watch every night and I had no idea when he was finding the time to sleep.

Four days had pa.s.sed since we escaped Urs. We had only been attached by monsters twice during that time, and both times the monsters had been the large and slow time that were easy to shake off.

"I think it's better for you to get as much rest as you can while we can afford to. I'll stay up instead. ……It's okay if I keep watch today, right?"

"……Very well. Still, may I ask what you're doing?"

"You mean my journal?"

Louie was decorous person. He was waiting patiently for my answer before looking over at what I was doing.

"Well, I thought I'd write down all the things I've learned."

Eru, who had been lying sprawled out on the ground playing by himself by kicking up clods of earth and spinning around his long tail, suddenly noticed what I was doing and peeked into my journal.

"Eru, can you read? I feel like you'd be able to read j.a.panese since you're so clever."

Louie looked like he was lost on whether or not he should ask me if he could see what I was writing. I wonder how j.a.panese looks like in his eyes.

"This is how the writing in my country looks like."

I laid out my journal so he could see. Louie moved a little to sit next to me.

"……The characters look very intriguing. And, is the thing you're holding a brush?"

"Well, it's a multicolored pen."

"A multi……?"

I guess that it looked like a strange writing implement to the people of this kingdom. Louie was looking at both my journal and my ballpoint pen with great interest. He was like a kid looking at a brand-new toy……but I guess it'd be rude to Louie to actually say that.

"It looks like a hairpin."

"The multicolored pen?"

Louie's eccentric expression made my cheeks slacken. The pen probably looked like an ornament because it had glitters.

"Look, this is my name. Hibiki Mishima."

I wrote my name out with the pen across the surface of the paper. Louie stared hard at the characters without even blinking.

"Hibiki……, Hibiki."1

"Yep."

He said my name again and again as if he was verifying it, which eventually made me feel ticklish inside.

"How strange…… The characters look beautiful."

"Do they?"

I was used to seeing the characters that spelled my name, so it was strange to me that Louie found them strange.

"Will you teach me the language of your country?"

"Hm? I don't mind……but I don't think you'll have much use for it? I'd probably be the only other person to understand it."

"That is fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Please teach me."

Louie joyfully nodded a little and grew bashful. Maybe he was the kind of person who liked studying?

"Then wait a little bit. I wannna write down everything I've seen so far before I forget."

"Of course, please take your time."

I wrote down everything that had happened that I could remember in the free s.p.a.ces after seeing Louie brilliant smile. The journey to Urs. The state of the village. I even drew in simple ill.u.s.trations of the monsters, insects, and oddly-shaped trees. I especially took care to write down everything I remembered about the monsters. ——I wrote about the Reims, too.

In due time, I'd be able to see if certain types of monsters appeared more frequently in certain places as I continued my travels. I made sure to write down the particular characteristics of each monster too.

In the distant future, I'd be able to determine whether or not to avoid an area based on what monsters appeared there.

Louie watched me write down my memos in my journal with quiet eyes instead of taking a nap. We spent a very gentle, yet increasingly lonely, break.

"……Oh yeah, Louie, this is my friend. Here name is Sasara."

Louie opened his eyes wide, stiffened up for a bit, and was deeply astonished when I showed him a photo of me and my friend. He enthusiastically asked me what kind of technology had created it, but I didn't know the exact details on how cameras worked. All I could provide him with was the simple explanation that it used light to burn an image of the subject on special paper.

"These are glow in the dark stickers. I have star shaped ones and heart shaped ones. Louie, lend me your sword for a sec."

"Pardon?"

I pulled Louie's sword close while he was stupefied and stuck a star sticker right on the sheathe.

"These will glow even when it's pitch black."

Louie stared at the sticker nervously.

His gaze swam left and right like he was discomposed when I laughed a little at how honest his reactions were. I was sure he was a little embarra.s.sed.

"I'll put one on my sword too."

Maybe it was because this was the first tender moment we were spending in a long while, but I felt a chill run through my heart the moment I put the sticker on my sword. It was like someone was living inside of me and was yelling at me about something.

"Hmmm, a girlish sticker on a dignified sword. ……If swords had feelings, I think it'd be really mad at me."

"If swords had feelings?"

"Exactly. I think that your sword would be reticent and imposing, Louie. As for mine……I think the fact that it's rusty despite having a good cutting edge makes it more like the rebellious type."

I knew that these times of peace wouldn't last forever. Even still, I wanted to hide this moment in my hands and protect it.

I wonder how Louie felt?

"Now then, Louie, it's time for your j.a.panese lesson."

"Less……?"

Louie's gaze was mellow today.

I overlapped his gaze of awe and fear from back then on top of his beautiful eyes.

Everything that had happened during that night at Urs wouldn't leave my head no matter what.

↑ Up until here, everyone from Evelier (Louie, Fortune, Olin, and Silvai) used katakana when saying Hibiki's name, whereas everyone from j.a.pan (Hibiki and Miharu) used the proper kanji, 響, for her name. The first time Louie says "Hibiki" in this line, he uses the katakana as he had been, but he changes to the kanji the second time. He continues to use the kanji for the rest of the series, and it is later implied that this is when he begins p.r.o.nouncing Hibiki's name correctly.