Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romance Novels Part 7

Romance novels are full of conflict. Why else would you want to read about the same few people for three hundred pages if there wasn't drama to be had, savored, experienced, and solved? An entire romance where Nothing Happens would be dull indeed.

The awesome thing about romance conflict is that it can be so completely ridiculous. Really. There can be some absolutely crazypants reasons for bringing the hero and heroine together. It's no accident that most romance novels don't often feature a "singles scene," either. Most of the time, the couple in a romance find themselves together whether they like it or not, mostly due to conflict, drama, and ma.s.sive wtf-ery.

Consider the ways in which romance novel characters meet, and the problems that are created:

In a bar when the heroine's ex-boyfriend bets that the smoothest guy he knows won't be able to get her phone number (Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me) At a formal ball in front of everyone they know, with not only their mothers but their grandmothers, great aunts, and a.s.sorted siblings in attendance (any number of historical romances) In an antiques shop where he tries to offend her with an obscenely decorated timepiece, and she not only buys the watch but the figure he was after as well (Loretta Chase, Lord of Scoundrels) At work, sort of, where she's the state's attorney working on a case and he's the police officer in charge, and they reconnect when she overhears a murder and he's a.s.signed to the case (Julie James, Something About You) At her family home when he's sent to marry her, sight unseen, because of a contract his father made, and she's so appalled she dresses up so she's 200 percent more fug-ugly, just to repel him (Catherine Coulter, Midsummer Magic) Next to her trailer after he's directed to protect her (Patricia Briggs, Moon Called) In a cold, abandoned castle where he's been hiding, and she's been sent to kill him (Kresley Cole, A Hunger Like No Other) On a highway when she's dressed as a giant beaver (Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Natural Born Charmer) In a parlor when she shoots him with his own gun (Georgette Heyer, Devil's Cub) Under a tree when he falls drunkenly off a high branch onto her lap (Julia Quinn, Brighter Than the Sun) In a side parlor at a ball after she punched out some grabby-handed bonehead (Julia Quinn, The Duke and I) In a mountain cabin, unnerved but trying to be brave when a man shows up like an angry bear and wants to know what she's doing sleeping in his bed (Jill Shalvis, Instant Attraction) See? Piece of cake! Just put together your romance-novel-inspired hunting kit. If it works for them, it'll work for you. Just acquire a gun, a beaver suit, a betrothal agreement, some super glue, some Shakespeare, a bawdy antique, and go punch out and then shoot the person of your dreams. If only it were that easy to find a good beaver suit.

After they meet, is it a short hop, skip, and a jump to happily-ever-after? Of course not. That would be boring and utterly unrealistic.

Then again, the problems that romance protagonists face can be really quite c.u.mbersome:

He's undead, immortal, and wants to kill her.

The two of them must cohabitate or marry or both for upward of a calendar year to inherit big bucks-no whammies cashola in the amount of incredible wealth from a deceased and postmortem manipulative relative. (I have long said I want to get a law degree and specialize in just that kind of will and testament, the kind that force people to marry.) They have been betrothed to one another since birth, or since the nuchal fold test at twelve weeks gestation-and of course they hate each other.

He won her in a poker game with her wastrel piece of s.h.i.t father and has to marry her or she faces ruin and he faces dest.i.tution, which is almost the same thing, except not.

Her ex-husband, who is completely and utterly crazy, is stalking her across the country.

Two words: Serial. Killer.

They are working the same legal case from opposite sides of the bench.

He's a janitor; she's a nun.

They agree to pretend to be a couple, possibly even a betrothed one, and then break off the engagement at a set time, but of course they fall for one another.

He is buying her father's company, and he's only doing it because he hates her old man, but secretly he l.u.s.ts in his pants for her.

It was supposed to be a one-night stand.

He's on a brief leave from active duty service.

She has PTSD.

She's a werewolf.

He's the DJ; she's the rapper.

They had a Big Misunderstanding.

If they have s.e.x, the world will be destroyed.

If they don't have s.e.x, the world will be destroyed, but they can't stand each other.

See? No shortage of conflict, problems, and obstacles to overcome, from the possible to the patently ridiculous. Yet beyond the ridiculous (and the heaving bosoms), romance novels create a s.p.a.ce where every problem is solved and any conflict is worked through until it's not such a conflict any more, or, at the least, it's bearable and won't harm the happy ending for the characters. Stuff gets worked out, and tough conversations are had in romance novels, all with beneficial results. So even if he's an alien with the power to bench-press a building while undressing the heroine with his prehensile Jefferson Starship, the differences between them will be settled-and a hopeful, optimistic ending will be found.

There's a lot to learn from courtship and conflict resolution. When readers witness communication crises, and even big silly misunderstandings, they learn from the fictional example. Author Darlene Marshall says that romances are great for adjusting perspective to what matters and what can be a smaller (though often painful) problem: "I think reading romance novels, especially during rocky periods of my life when we had financial or health issues, helped me refocus on what's really important. Too often I think we can end up in stale relationships, especially those of us who've been married since dinosaurs roamed the planet. Sometimes reading a great romance reminds me life is about the people we love, and that together we can weather crises and come out better for it."

Most often, in a romance novel, the hero and heroine aren't looking for someone when they meet each other. In fact, amazing romance is often created when the two people aren't sure they like each other that much, but get stuck together-sometimes even literally. Perhaps you might want to pack a little super glue in that beaver suit...just a thought.

A reader who goes by the online handle Brussel Sprout says, "Romances established firmly in my mind that love is something worthwhile, worth hanging on for, and worth nurturing when you find it. Yes, the Emmentaler and Roquefort could be heavily layered, but the possibility that love can work is one that encouraged me to believe that I too would be able to have a sensible, sustainable relationship. I've been together with my husband for twenty years, married for sixteen, and I know that without romance novels, my love life would have been more chaotic and messy."

Plus, adds Shannon, seeing so many relationships intimately in fiction means additional clarity for her own relationships too: "When I was in a relationship that wasn't working out, I think that I was able to a.s.sess things to figure out what was wrong more easily because I had read so many romance novels and had seen so many different types of relationships. Not to say that I started viewing my relationship as a story or something like that, but I could realize that, hey, our only communication this week was that text four days ago. This is a problem."

Liz Talley agrees: "I do agree that romance books promote communication as the root of a healthy relationship. Very seldom do you see this to be false in a romance book."

Reader Amanda sees romances as a lesson in speaking up, and not avoiding the scary, difficult, awkward conversation, especially when the plots are a little ridiculous: "I think many romance novels are a lesson in What Not to Do, because so many involve the same plotline: Eyes Meet, Love, BIG MISUNDERSTANDING, HEA. And, like anyone else, what always gets me is how avoidable the Big Misunderstanding is. All anyone ever has to say is, 'Are you a spy?' 'I heard you killed your last wife,' or 'Did you make a bet that you could sleep with me within a month?' I think romance novels have taught me to just be brave and throw the words out there in the first place. At least then everyone is on the same page."

Reba says that the depictions of women and men in romances are actually, in her opinion, more liberated emotionally and s.e.xually than in other forms of entertainment: "I didn't expect real men to be the same as romance novel heroes, any more than I expected them to be the same as fantasy novel heroes (and let's face it, no man is going to live up to Aragorn, no matter how awesome he is), but one thing I found surprising was how sympathetic I was to the men.

Looking to find your perfect match? Do it romance-novel style! Just acquire a gun, a beaver suit, a betrothal agreement, some super glue, some Shakespeare, a bawdy antique, and go punch out and then shoot the person of your dreams. If only it were that easy to find a good beaver suit.

"They had feelings, thoughts, doubts, fears, stupid habits that got them into trouble. Their strength did not mean they were invulnerable. The most common tropes of movies, television, magazines, etc., about how men were or should be did not take into account their humanity until well after romance novels did. Male vulnerability was either a sign of weakness or illness, or the result of a devastating event-not part of the normal, everyday world of men as human beings. Yes, I'm generalizing, but the exceptions only prove the rule.

"I think romance novels have taught me to just be brave and throw the words out there in the first place. At least then everyone is on the same page."-AMANDA, A READER

"It seemed to me that men were liberated in romance novels long before they were in other media. So reading romance made me a little more sensitive to things my partner might not be showing or able to put in words. While it would be no fun if fictional characters opened up and solved things right away...romance novels taught me that open communication could work wonders."

Sometimes, it's the portrayal of the hero or heroine that causes the problem for the reader, one that can be overcome with a dose of common sense, reality, and humor. Some readers of romance do fall prey to the idea that Mr. Perfect will show up spontaneously, riding on a white horse (of course, of course), with marvelously groomed and suspiciously perfect hair and effortlessly minty breath, and as a result they miss some perfectly wonderful men in their real lives.

Kerrie says that her romance habits weren't helpful initially, but were a huge a.s.set when it came to real relationships: "The romances I read throughout high school and even into college didn't do me any favors because they pushed that Mr. Perfect image that can never EVER exist in real life. I chased that ideal for a while and finally wised up when I found a totally imperfect but wonderful guy. One thing that those books did teach me, however, was communication! It can shorten the length of any misunderstanding."

"I think reading romance novels especially during rocky periods of my life when we had financial or health issues, helped me refocus on what's really important."

-DARLENE MARSHALL Of course, authors have learned from the experience of writing through conflict and witnessing it solved in their own lives. Romances have helped Debbie Macomber with her own relationships. She says: "Reading romance novels and writing them, too, has given me an optimistic att.i.tude, a recognition that if a couple cares enough, they can work through their conflicts. I can honestly say that romance novels have helped me think positively about my Wayne. We have our differences, but we're a team, working together toward our shared goals."

Teresa Medeiros says that her own parents' romance inspires her every day: "My own parents have spent fifty-plus years of marriage dealing with my mom's bipolar disorder. When my dad said, 'For better or worse, in sickness and in health,' he meant it. Even though she's now in a nursing home suffering from dementia, when he looks at her, he still sees the beautiful, brilliant girl he fell in love with all those years ago. That makes it so much easier for me to imagine my own characters growing old together while that first spark of pa.s.sion deepens to a glowing ember, strong enough to last a lifetime."

"Reading romance novels and writing them, too, has given me an optimistic att.i.tude, a recognition that if a couple cares enough, they can work through their conflicts."

-DEBBIE MACOMBER Christina Dodd says she receives a lot of comments from readers about hope and validation, and the possibility that bad things will get better, and that real and hurtful problems can be solved: "Readers thank me for giving them hope. This always makes my heart trill. Women, especially in these tough times, are getting the s.h.i.t end of the stick, especially when they're divorced or widowed or somehow left alone to raise their children. My stories are always about women who start out disadvantaged: poor, alone, helpless, badly treated, hopeless-any and all combinations. My heroines struggle against desperate odds, do what has to be done, and they make their way through the bad times until, by the end of the book, they have the life they want, the relationship they want, and the best s.e.x in the history of the world. My heroines don't usually start out strong, but they grow, change, and become the kind of people we readers strive to be. Readers thank me for shining a light on their own struggle and making them see the light at the end of the tunnel.

"Am I offering false hope? Well, I've been in the tunnel; it was a b.i.t.c.h to get out, but I'm on the other side. So it is possible."

Dodd cautions that one single conversation would never really work to clear everything up as it does in a conveniently plotted novel: "I occasionally see readers online complain about romances in which any problems between the hero and heroine could be cleared up with 'one open, honest conversation.' And I think, 'You know nothing about relationships. You've never been in one in your life.'

"To talk about your problems with a beloved is an act of unimaginable courage. Words are powerful things; they can create or void trust, generate joy or pain, wound or heal."

-CHRISTINA DODD "As far as I'm concerned, to say, 'The hero and heroine can clear up their problems with one conversation,' is simplistic. Any author worth her beans is presenting the progress of a realistic relationship. Every relationship starts with both parties pretending they're normal, witty, healthy, whole. As the relationship progresses and the hero and heroine get to know each other, the facade breaks down and truth starts leaking through. When a person has suffered physical and emotional trauma, to speak of that trauma is an act of unbelievable bravery, especially in a new, fragile, untried relationship. It's a talk that has to be conducted for the relationship to flourish and true love to grow, but will the person you love so deeply scoff at your trauma? Laugh? Turn away? The uncertainty, the pain, and the anguish make it easier to avoid that conversation, even to turn away from the relationship rather than say anything. To talk about your problems with a beloved is an act of unimaginable courage. Words are powerful things; they can create or void trust, generate joy or pain, wound or heal."

Kresley Cole says that reading about conflict and how any problem might possibly be solved can inspire readers to want more from their own relationships, and that seeing their own lives reflected in their fiction is a valuable experience for them: "They've thanked me for inspiring them to want-and to demand-more from their relationships. Which is a huge compliment since I take great pains to depict heroines who know what they want and refuse to settle for a 'hero' who hasn't earned the t.i.tle (by being truthful with her, respecting her needs, and demonstrating a willingness to make sacrifices for the sake of their partnership)."

Repeatedly reading about courtship and the problems facing each one also allows readers to see and consider problems that are solved in myriad patterns. This is part of the reason why romance readers turn to the stories of courtship again and again.

Painful issues that are present in modern life are also present in romance novels. Eloisa James incorporated the feelings surrounding infertility and feeling a desperate desire to have a child into her own books, which are set a few hundred years in the past, long, long ago, in a setting far, far away from modern scientific advancements: "I tend to put real grievances into the stories of my marriages, along with real fears. But I also look at my friends' marriages. The best example is probably Your Wicked Ways. When I wrote that novel I had several close friends experiencing the pain of infertility, and going through the lengthy, painful medical processes that hope to reverse it. But their pa.s.sion for motherhood was so strong that they were forging ahead, needles, hormones, and all.

"So that made me wonder what it would be like to feel that pa.s.sionately back in the Regency period-if you were separated from your husband. What about if you were not only separated, but he was living with his mistress? And what if he said the only way he would impregnate you (to put it bluntly) was if you moved in the house along with the mistress? Would my friends have done it? Yup. So Helene did as well.

"That was a tough marriage to mend. Rees was terrible in bed and had to learn, slowly, how to actually make love as opposed to have s.e.x. I have gotten a tremendous amount of mail about Rees over the years: many readers say it's their favorite book; others hate him and can't imagine why Helene fell back in love with him. A significant number have written to me about Rees's att.i.tude toward s.e.x and how it parallels men they've met over the years."

Seeing bad relationships improved can also help identify bad relationships in reality. Reader MD says that she "grew up with a very dysfunctional (and conservative) family, and for a while I liked the typical 'big misunderstanding' plots. From my point of view, they reflected reality. Plus the bodice rippers seemed to reflect some sort of reality as well, in the sense that the woman was the 'good girl' overcome by a hero or her own pa.s.sion.

"The big change came for me when I started reading romance discussion boards, and heard people saying that such heroes are jerks in real life, and 'why they don't just talk to each other.' Seeing these reactions from other people opened for me a new way to look at things. Eventually, it motivated me to get into therapy and learn better patterns and better relationships."

One thing to remember, even in the fantasy-ripe environment of romance novels, is that not all problems can be solved. Sometimes, identifying them is enough of a lesson.

Author Sarah MacLean has a cautionary perspective. In real life, it's not always possible to expect someone to make a huge change-though it can be done. And that possibility of hope is its own motivation, whether it's motivation to read another page, or try another day: "Ninety percent of the time, in real life, a relationship is not going to change bad behavior. I must confess that I hold firm to the belief that, in general, leopards (or leopardesses) do not change their spots: neurotic, untrusting women will always be neurotic and untrusting; possessive, dominating men will always be dominating; laziness and lack of motivation does not go away; and cheaters will always lean toward cheating.

"Romance novels help with perspective: 'Yes, my husband's out of work, but at least my virginity was never wagered by a wastrel father in a card game!'"

-COURTNEY MILAN "Of course, romance novels are built on the idea that love conquers all and that a great relationship can evolve a hero or a heroine out of bad behavior and into the light-reformed rakes make the best husbands, do they not?

"And the truth is that we all have these people in our lives-the reformed rake who found love and monogamy, the slacker who found love and a career, the domineering alpha who is now a p.u.s.s.ycat, the untrusting girl who, through love, has come to believe in herself and her appeal. These obstacles (however insurmountable) have been tackled; these stories (however rare) are real. And they give us hope. Which is perhaps why they make such excellent reads."

"I also think that romance novels are valuable not just for the romantic relationship, but for the value that they place on community and friendship and belonging."

-COURTNEY MILAN Romances also serve as a lovely reality check, as author Courtney Milan explains: "Romance novels help with perspective: 'Yes, my husband's out of work, but at least my virginity was never wagered by a wastrel father in a card game!'

"I also think that romance novels are valuable not just for the romantic relationship, but for the value that they place on community and friendship and belonging. In our world, it's so easy to just disappear and be alone, and it's always important to have the reminder that no matter how bad things seem, it will always be better with good friends and family."

Kidnapping and dukes aside, when real and painful issues are addressed in romances, it can be terribly rea.s.suring and comforting, as reader Teshara can attest: "This Is All I Ask by Lynn Kurland is the first romance I read in my adult life and it really did change my outlook on relationships.

"It's OK to be traumatized. It's OK to have PTSD. It's OK to have flashbacks. It's OK to be broken. It's OK to be afraid of life. And it's OK to not be able to change these things on your own. It's OK to question your motivation for loving another person. It's OK to question why that person loves you.

"And the person you end up being with doesn't have to be 'normal.' Sometimes you can only trust people that have been through what you have, and you end up growing strong together instead of having to go it alone."

Romances provide hope and comfort that when things are really awful in the present, they will get better. Alpha Lyra writes that romances served a very crucial purpose in her life: "I didn't start reading romance until after my twelve-year marriage fell apart due to my husband's infidelity. Those years during the deterioration of the marriage and the divorce proceedings were horrible. Night after night, I cried myself to sleep.

"Romance novels not only gave me comfort during these awful times; I think they helped shield me from becoming cynical about love and thinking that all guys will eventually betray me. They made me willing to try again. So I'm still looking for my real HEA."