Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romance Novels Part 1

Everything I know about love I learned from romance novels.

Sarah Wendell.

Acknowledgments.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that I am bad at math. Seriously, howlingly bad. So I can't attempt to add up the number of people to whom I owe thanks because I know beyond any doubt that I will miscount, screw up, and cause all sorts of mathematical mayhem. The fact is, an astonishing number of people were gracious enough to help me with this book, including authors, readers, editors, and mysterious publishing professionals. The communities of romance readers and writers online and off are boisterous and supportive and opinionated and wonderful. So many people from these communities contributed to this book, and I can't begin to say how grateful, honored, and proud I am to have had so much enthusiastic a.s.sistance celebrating what the romance community already knows: that romance novels, and the women who read and write them, are amazing.

Thank you for helping me celebrate romance, and what we have collectively learned from it. You rule.

Introduction.

One more exuberant gesture and her bosoms would heave themselves over the edge of her gown. Elliott wondered how much more boorish behavior would make it so-and how much of a boor he was to consider enjoying it.

"You're lying," he said in an even tone, trying deliberately to keep his gaze on her face. He wasn't that much of a scoundrel. Well, not entirely.

Alina's eyes narrowed and she took a deep breath, but not deep enough, to Elliott's disappointment.

"I should call you out for that," she said in an equally even tone, but the calmness of her voice was itself a lie. Her cheeks were pink, her hair was askew, and her hands clenched her gown into wrinkles that, should they have appeared on his cravat, would make his valet weep, though in a dignified manner, of course. What could he say next to send her over the edge of reason?

"It won't work," she said.

"What won't work?"

"Your plan." She looked concerned, as if he couldn't remember what they'd just been talking about. How could he follow something so plebeian as a conversation when the most striking woman he knew was one fierce movement away from-he shook himself.

"I think the plan would work admirably," he said, desperately trying to move his brain and its accompanying lascivious thoughts away from any tracts of land south of her chin. There was no reason why his idea wouldn't work. What engaged man wouldn't be tremendously interested in seeing his intended's impending revelations?

"No one would believe you, me, or us."

"Sure they would. I'd make sure of it, and isn't it the standard that the man pursue the woman? My interest in you will be supremely believable." He wouldn't even have to pretend his interest, he realized, and reminded himself again not to look down.

He was so focused on her face that he noticed for a spare fraction of a moment an odd look of sadness. "Why don't you think it would work?"

"Because, dammit," she muttered, and before he could react to her language, she was in his arms, her hands gently framing his cheeks to bring his face to hers, his lips to her own. He found his fingers just beneath the curves he had been trying not to look at, and he was struck to learn he didn't need sight. Touch was much, much better: the warmth of her, the firm but soft bend of her waist, the northward curve of her breast. He'd had no idea how much better this could be than trying not to look.

But despite knowing with all certainty that her decolletage was a precarious thing, he couldn't allow his fingers to tilt the edge of her gown in his favor. This was his intended, after all. His almost intended, anyway, and as his friend and his fiancee, her honor was about to become his responsibility...and how on earth were those her lips moving over his, an embrace and exploration that made him feel as if the top of his head were about to lift off? His hands followed the curve of her side to her back, away from temptation yet bringing it closer. She was firmly pressed against him as he deepened their kiss, touching her with his eyes closed. He really didn't need to see anything. Touch was too much, in fact.

Suddenly she stepped back, though not out of his arms. He held his arms around her as she stared up at him, flushed and breathing a touch too fast.

"I don't see that as a problem at all," he said.

So what do we learn from this scene? That b.r.e.a.s.t.s have hypnotic powers more potent than most women realize? No, though they likely do. That men try to behave according to etiquette though that can be a struggle? No, but that's likely true as well. That women can have s.e.xual desire, and act on it, and take risks to grab what they want and plant a big wet one on a gentleman's shocked but willing self? That her desires are as important as his? Yup. Definitely.

If you're a romance fan-and I bet you are-you know that reading romances can teach you a great deal about love, s.e.x, and relationships. In fact, romance reading has probably already taught you more than you realize. You might not be kidnapped by cross-dressing pirates and held for ransom, or find yourself outrunning a serial killer with the help of a very handsome, taciturn detective, but you will always find conflict in your relationships, whether it's bills and debt chasing you down a dark alley, or precarious s.e.xual fulfillment lurking in your bedroom.

But fear not. Inside those stories is everything you need to have a happy, loving relationship. From books like Seducing a Sinner and Rescuing the Rake, you can learn about tricky subjects like Valuing Your Emotions and Having Real Conversations about s.e.x.

Welcome to Everything I Know about Love I Learned from Romance Novels. In this handy little book, we can celebrate all the wonderful things we've learned about real-life love and romance that are hidden and not-so-hidden inside the average romance novel. What, you thought all those heaving bosom covers with impossibly Technicolor eye shadow were just for visual embarra.s.sment and t.i.tillating thrills? Nope. Romance novels are much more complex than meets the eye-and we readers of romance know that better than most.

It's not hard to discount romance, and it's easy to take them way, way less than seriously. After all, there is a 95 percent chance that a romance novel cover will feature a mullet. Enough said.

But romance novels are complex and emotionally driven tales of courtship. And what better way to learn about relationships and how they start, fracture, and become stronger once repaired, than to read about those relationships in many, many permutations and variations? In all the thousands of romances where the boy meets the girl, stuff happens, and they get back together, there are a million-plus possibilities of how to repair what went wrong. And we're going to look at every one, from amnesiac twins and what they can teach us about truthfulness and ident.i.ty to bank-robbing cowboys and what you can learn from them about bad boys and perhaps avoiding felony charges.

Who am I? And have I robbed a bank? No, not so much. I'm Sarah Wendell, better known as Smart b.i.t.c.h Sarah from the romance novel website Smart b.i.t.c.hes, Trashy Books. Smart b.i.t.c.hes reviews and discusses romance novels with a readership of many thousands of readers around the world-there are more romance fans than you dare suspect, and we're all very intelligent, fabulous dancers with minty-fresh breath, and as a bonus, we're all quite savvy when it comes to relationships too. Reading romance, a genre focused on the emotional development and self-actualization of the heroine and hero (a fancy and academic way of saying they get their s.h.i.t together and grow the h.e.l.l up like d.a.m.n), gives romance fans a deep, multifaceted, all-encompa.s.sing lesson on how human relationships work. Many of us find ourselves in the role of advisor to our friends as the person others turn to for help with problems.

Ironically, many people who disdain the romance genre and look down on the women who read it presume that reading about courtship, emotional fulfillment, and rather fantastic o.r.g.a.s.ms leads to an unrealistic expectation of real life. If we romance readers are filling our own heads with romantic fantasies, real men and real life won't and cannot possibly measure up to our fairy-tale expectations, right? Wrong. Wrongity wrong wrong wrong. That accusation implies that we don't know the difference between fantasy and real life, and frankly, it's s.e.xist as well. You don't see adult gamers being accused of an inability to discern when one is a human driving a real car and when one is a yellow dinosaur driving a Mario Kart, but romance readers hear about their unrealistic expectations of men almost constantly.

We're going to put that sorry notion away for good. In this book, you'll hear from me and other romance readers and writers as we explain both what we've learned about ourselves and about relationships. Sometimes the fantastical and impossible, such as the s.p.a.ce captain with a streak of honor, or the sinking pirate ship populated with crewmen with impeccable manners and perfect teeth, can help translate reality better than any self-help book ever could. When you see your problems blown up into, dare I say, fantasy proportions, your real problems don't look so insurmountable. Fantasy, instead of distorting reality, can help you comprehend your reality.

You don't see adult gamers being accused of an inability to discern when one is a human driving a real car and when one is a yellow dinosaur driving a Mario Kart, but romance readers hear about their unrealistic expectations of men almost constantly.

For example, in many paranormal romances, especially urban fantasies, the fate of the world, if not the fate of the universe, may hinge on whether or not the heroes of the story figure out their pesky relationship problems and beat the bad guy. Their ability to kick a.s.s and to kiss each other are equally important, because if they don't work their s.h.i.t out, the planet might blow up. Comparing your current difficulty to that level of "OHc.r.a.pNO" might help you gain perspective on how to handle it, and how to stop it from happening again.

This is not to say that problems are not important-they absolutely are. But no one knows better than romance fans that most problems are also very likely fixable with varying applications of hard work and some risks or maybe a righteous smack down with a broadsword and a photon-charged handgun.

Now, before we move on to the kicking of a.s.s and the fixing of things, let me share with you The Rules of This Book. Yes, there are rules. Fear not, for they are easy and friendly rules.

The First Rule: Happiness is serious business, but I do not take many things too seriously. And by "things" I mean pretty much everything. So this is not a book wherein you'll be asked to journal or spend time holding your own hand, envisioning willow trees and flowers with no pollen to make you sneeze as you drift on a tranquil riverbank, reclining in an outlandishly comfortable rowboat with the one you love.

HEY! WAKE UP!.

Techniques that bring you to some understanding of yourself are all good-but that is not what this book is about. This book is about celebrating romance novels for every important thing they teach us about ourselves, the people we love, and the relationships we value-and the s.e.x we have. That alone should tell you: expect jokes about man-t.i.tty and mighty w.a.n.gs, and when we get to that chapter about s.e.x, expect the insertion of seriously turgid bad puns.

The Second Rule: Each chapter is defined by a specific lesson we romance fans have learned that is demonstrated by countless romance novels-along with extra content for fun, games, silliness, mayhem, and shenanigans. If you're a romance reader, no matter how old you are or how old your relationship may be, I'm willing to bet a stack of paperbacks that you're already aware of some of these ideas, if not all-even if you didn't realize it. After many, many unwilling dukes and smoldering tyc.o.o.ns meeting their matches among the best and bravest of heroines, we romance readers know what behaviors can help someone enjoy a happy, healthy, meaningful, and satisfying relationship, and which behaviors can screw it all up in a d.a.m.n hurry.

Many romance readers and writers helped with the creation of this book, and there are quotes from writers you may have heard of, writers who are new to you, and readers who may be just like you-terribly pa.s.sionate about romances. Some readers I quote by their real names, and others I attribute using their online pseudonyms. Regardless, all of the quotes in this book came from individuals who love romance, and have read metric tons of it.

The Third Rule: Not every situation may match, but the basics of romance, both in real-life and in literature, are simple. Unless your veins are filled, as my friend Billie says, with br.i.m.m.i.n.g levels of crazysauce, you are probably a kind person who is entirely capable of loving someone and being loved in return. We get a lot of terrible examples in mainstream media and entertainment on how to treat people we love. Between the murderous glares, misery, mayhem, and acts of momentary weakness played up for maximum laughter, there's a lot of How Not to Treat People. Romance novels are the ant.i.thesis of that example, and we readers are fortunate to indulge in stories that are uplifting and hopeful in the end. So if you're harboring some stalwart prejudices about the romance genre, it may be time to rethink them. No, it's definitely time to rethink them. Romances can be a rare but valuable example of how to treat people.

THE RULES OF THIS BOOK.

Happiness is Serious Business-but don't take me, yourself, or anything else too seriously. Taking yourself too seriously is tiresome. The penalty is mullet.

There are specific lessons to be learned from romance novels, as well as mayhem and silliness, too. Mayhem, you may be surprised to learn, is very good for your s.e.x life.

The basics of romance, and how to treat people, are surprisingly simple-you just have to rethink any prejudices about the romance genre first. You have to rethink any prejudice, really, including the ones about mullets. They are (allegedly) good for your s.e.x life. So I've heard. Not that I know this personally or anything. *puts on hat*

So now that we know the Three Rules of This Book, let's get to work. Here's a romance-tested idea that I bet you already knew: the "happy ending" is actually right now. It's not somewhere down the line into the misty future. Everyone deserves a happy-ever-after. Everyone deserves a happy, healthy relationship. Bottom line, everyone deserves happiness, period, full stop. But, as that motivational poster so tritely puts it, happiness is the journey, not the destination. And as Nora Roberts has said many times in interviews, the story of a romance is not the happy ending, but the journey to that happy ending. Thus, every story is different, unique, and ultimately happy.

Romance fans can tell you, happiness is created in the present, not as a wish for the future. The first rule of your happy-ever-after is to be happy right now.

Prepare ye for a moment of touchy-feely-squirminess: that means the first, most-important relationship you have is the one with yourself. If you are happy, content, and capable of taking good care of yourself, whether that's an hour of working out or an hour of reading with a dish of ice cream (and I heartily support both), you're on your way toward happy-ever-after because you care about yourself now. In other (really sickly twee, I admit) words, happiness is the present we give ourselves in the present, and its presence in our lives is a present to the world. (I just totally made you throw up, didn't I? Sorry about that.) Has anyone told you? You look marvelous today. (When's the last time a book complimented you, and meant it?) Moreover, happiness is not created by the presence of someone else in your life. Happiness and joy should already be hanging out with you (and complimenting your appearance) when you encounter someone else who captures your attention.

That someone else augments and adds to your happiness-sort of like fantastic icing on a rich, moist cupcake, or a really savory and delicious gravy on your already-gourmet dinner. You are the most important element in the process of finding your happy ending, and you must start with happiness already riding shotgun in your life. A small dose of romance can add to that happy-happy, reminding you that things will all work out, and that, yes, you are marvelous as you are.

But romance isn't merely the printed version of a "There, there" ham-fisted pat on the head. Romance, in addition to being All about the Happy, is also mentally active-and is, we all freely acknowledge, a form of entertainment. Romance is fun! It's sometimes emotionally twisting, or light, sparkling comedy, or straight-up sudsy, fluffy fantasy, but it's fun. But reading romance-and reading in general-is, and always has been, a mentally active pastime.

Compare reading with television viewing: With TV, you pa.s.sively sit and receive visual and auditory stimulation. With reading, you actively fill your mind and absorb the story mentally while embellishing with your own creativity. The reader creates the voices, imagines the scenery, and envisions the ambiance. Some readers dislike seeing cover models' faces on the book jackets because they want to imagine the faces themselves.

Because of that involvement, women are very critical of their romance-reading entertainment. This is not a surprise for me, since I review and critique romances every day, and the Smart b.i.t.c.hes, Trashy Books website is largely fueled by the pa.s.sion of romance readers gathering to talk about what rocked their worlds or what made them irate at the poor quality story. That pa.s.sionate response (pun intended) is created because romance-reading is complex. It's not a simple endeavor, all that mental creation and emotional connection. The entertainment and creative value is huge-and makes for a very personal and often vivid response in the reader, because if the reader is actively involved in the reading experience, she is giving of herself and wants to be fulfilled. A bad movie might create a feeling of disgust or disappointment, but the same two hours spent with a bad book can create a much stronger negative emotion, up to and including outright rage. Just check out some Amazon book reviews if you don't believe me. h.e.l.l, check out some of my D and F reviews on Smart b.i.t.c.hes, Trashy Books for evidence of bad-book-rage. It's just as true for the positive response as well: good romances will create an absolute joy and possibly the desire to forcibly beat someone with a paperback until they agree to read that fantastic book you've just finished. (I refuse to incriminate myself by stating whether I've committed such an act.) (Oh, screw it, I totally have. C'mere so I can beat you with my copy of Bet Me.) That incredible positivity at the end of a good romance is part of why romance-reading is so addictive: that emotional lift at the end creates a sustained feeling of happiness, and if readers don't get that expected joy, they are not happy about it, because, oh boy, do they know what they are missing. And when they don't get what they wanted in a book, they are the exact opposite of happy-and that goes for me too.

I've often joked that romance readers have a sound that they make when they finish or even talk about a wonderful book they've read. I can't transcribe it here, but it's somewhere between a sigh and a moan, similar to the sound you make when eating the most delicious meal when you're supremely hungry, or when you finally come into a warm room from a cold day.

The happiness that comes with finishing a good romance also means that this happiness spreads. Reader Liz Talley says that the bonus happily-ever-after (more commonly known as the HEA) "has to give some chemical reaction in the brain that promotes satisfaction and happiness. I can't tell you how many times I've closed a book, sighed, and thought 'Today will be a good day.'"

Romance novels are both the story of the characters finding each other, and the story of finding themselves deserving of the effort that creating a happy-ever-after requires. Happiness might be as difficult to spot as an undercover duke operating a cattle ranch in Texas. But if you're already familiar with joy and contentment, your continued happiness will be as easy to spot as a plucky nineteenth century heroine dressed as a boy. I mean, doesn't every nineteen- or twenty-year-old woman fit into a ten-year-old boy's clothing? Of course they do. I've been to the mall and time-traveled to Regency London. I know these things.

Cross-dressing and tight pants aside, if you want your happy ending, you start with a happy beginning. So let's start right there: you, you holding this book in your hands (hi there!), you're awesome, and because you read romance, you're smarter than the average savvy person. Welcome! Let's celebrate all we've learned and loved in romance novels.

LORETTA CHASE PRETTY MUCH KNOWS EVERYTHING.

As I was writing this book, asking every romance novelist I could think of for her perspective and querying readers for their ideas on how romances have affected them personally, I asked one of my very favorite writers for advice. Loretta Chase has written some of the best romance novels ever in the history of the universe, and I say that without exaggeration or hyperbole. Her books are amazing examples of characterization, with strong women and challenging men, and stories that take place all over the world.

When I asked for her perspective on hero and heroine behavior and on character traits that are required for a romance, her response was so ill.u.s.trative that I had to include it in its entirety.

Dear Sarah:.

When I started thinking about rules, I immediately had an avoidance reaction. I hate the idea of imposing rules on the genre, because someone can come along and break them beautifully. But then I thought about my rules for character traits, and I realized most of my answers were in the movie The Wizard of Oz.

THE WOMAN IS IMPORTANT.

Interestingly, the hero of the movie is a girl. Everything revolves around Dorothy. Romances are one of the few genres in which the woman really matters. The hero might drive the story, but he's focused completely on the heroine. Oh, yes, he might have to save the world or build a ca.n.a.l or fight murderous antiquities hunters, but those are little problems to be solved on the way to winning She Who Is the Love of His Life. Forever. And with whom he'll have the best s.e.x of his life. Ever.

When women read romances, they can live for a few hours in a world that looks like real life but is more delicious

Right there we have our obvious fantasy element. All women know this is not the way it is in real life. Among other things-and I have to leave out politics and the media to keep this at a manageable length-in real life men imagine having s.e.x with other women; the hero of a romance barely even sees other women after he's met the heroine. In real life, men compartmentalize; in a romance, most of the compartments are filled with Her. In real life, men are easily distracted by, say, golf or a football game, when their women are trying to tell them something; in a romance, the hero is totally distracted by Her.

CHARACTER TRAITS.

The Lion, Scarecrow, and Tin Man are seeking traits that, combined, make my idea of a romance hero-Courage, a Heart, a Brain-and Dorothy, who has all those traits, is a heroine. Equally important, we can relate to all of them at some very basic level.

Seeking to become complete. All the characters are imperfect, but in the course of their journey, they bring out the best in one another. As a team, they become a sum greater than the parts. In a romance, the hero and heroine bring out the best in each other and again, it's more than that: these two people could do all right separately, but when they're together, they create something that transcends who they are as individuals. And I think the great s.e.x we give them-the transcendent s.e.x-is symbolic of that.

Journeying home. Dorothy is trying to get home, and that is my take on finding the Love of Your Life. When the hero and heroine commit to their relationship, it's like a homecoming: one finds one's heart's home in the loved one.

Individuality. Like these movie characters, the hero and heroine of a romance novel-or any genre novel-need to be larger than life. Maybe in a romance novel, the couple's problems don't amount to a hill of beans, as Rick tells Ilsa in Casablanca. Maybe they're ordinary folks, like the ones who peopled LaVyrle Spencer's books. But the author makes them big in some way-memorable.

Appeal. I don't think there's a rule that characters need to be beautiful. Most of us have written our Beauty and the Beast or Ugly Duckling stories. However, I'm shallow, so I make all my heroes tall and hot (at least to the heroine). They don't need to be, but my feeling is, this is a fantasy and we all know it and so why not make the hero fantastic? The heroine doesn't have to be attractive-except to him-but we need to understand what draws him to her.

"In real life, men compartmentalize; in a romance, most of the compartments are filled with Her. In real life, men are easily distracted by, say, golf or a football game, when their women are trying to tell them something; in a romance, the hero is totally distracted by Her."

-LORETTA CHASE.

Faithfulness. s.e.xual faithfulness isn't an element of Wizard, but its friendship counterpart is there, and I think s.e.xual fidelity is crucial to the idealized friendship of a romance hero and heroine. Once they start down the obstacle-strewn path of the relationship, he needs to be s.e.xually faithful. See above re the woman matters. But faithful applies in other ways: He is or becomes the kind of man a woman can count on. He'll be there through thick and thin. So will she. Again, real life can be so unstable and people are constantly having the rug pulled out from under them. The romance myth offers the beautiful alternative.

IMPOSSIBLE OBSTACLES.