Everything, Everything Part 24

Released, PART TWO

Wednesday, 6:56 P.M.

Olly: jesus, where have you been?

Olly: are you ok?

Madeline: Yes.

Olly: what does your mom say?

Olly: are you going to be ok?

Madeline: I'm OK, Olly.

Olly: i tried to visit you but your mom wouldn't let me Madeline: She's protecting me.

Olly: i know Madeline: Thanks for saving my life.

Madeline: I'm sorry I put you through all that.

Olly: you don't have to thank me Madeline: Thank you anyway.

Olly: are you sure you're OK?

Madeline: Please don't ask me that anymore.

Olly: sorry Madeline: Don't be.

Later, 9:33 P.M.

Olly: it's nice being able to IM you again Olly: you were a terrible mime Olly: say something Olly: I know you're disappointed Mad but at least you're alive Olly: we'll talk to your mom once you're better again. maybe i can visit Olly: I know it's not everything Mad but it's better than nothing

Later, 12:05 A.M.

Madeline: It's not better than nothing. It's absolutely worse than nothing Olly: what?

Madeline: Do you think we can go back to the way it was before?

Madeline: You want to go back to decontamination, and short visits, and no touching and no kissing and no future?

Madeline: You're saying that's enough for you?

Olly: it's better than nothing Madeline: No it's not. Stop saying that.

Later, 2:33 A.M.

Olly: what about the pills?

Madeline: What about them?

Olly: they worked for a couple of days. maybe they'll get them right eventually Olly: maddy?

Madeline: There were no pills Olly: what do you mean?

Madeline: There were never any pills. I told you that so that you would go with me.

Olly: you lied to me?

Olly: but you could've died and it would've been my fault Madeline: I'm not your responsibility.

Later, 3:42 A.M.

Madeline: I wanted everything, Olly. I wanted you and the whole wide world. I wanted everything.

Madeline: I can't do this anymore.

Olly: can't do what?

Madeline: No more IM. No more e-mail. It's too hard. I can't go back. My mom was right. Life was better before.

Olly: better for who?

Olly: don't do this Maddy Olly: my life is better with you in it Madeline: but mine isn't

Life is Short

Spoiler Reviews by Madeline Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison Spoiler alert: You don't exist if no one can see you.

Geography

I'm in an endless field filled with red poppies. The poppies reach waist-high on single green stalks and are so red they seem to bleed color. In the distance I see one Olly, and then two, and then multiple Ollys marching toward me. They're wearing gas masks and holding handcuffs and crushing the poppies under black-booted feet as they march toward me, silent and determined.

The dream doesn't leave me. I drift through the day awake but dreaming, trying not to think of Olly. I try not to think of seeing him for the first time. How he seemed like he was from another planet. I try not to think about Bundt cakes and headstands and kisses and velvet sand. How second and third and fourth kisses are just as amazing as first ones. I try not to think about him moving inside me and us moving together. I try not to think of him because if I do, I'll have to think about how connected to him and the world I was just a few days go.

I'll have to think of all the hope I had. Of how I fooled myself into thinking that I was a miracle. Of how the world I wanted to be a part of so badly didn't want me back.

I have to let Olly go. I've learned my lesson. Love can kill you and I'd rather be alive than out there living.

I once told Olly that I knew my own heart better than I knew anything else, and it's still true. I know the places in my heart, but the names have all changed.

Map of Despair

Life is Short

Spoiler Reviews by Madeline The Stranger by Albert Camus Waiting for G.o.dot by Samuel Beckett Nausea by Jean-Paul SaRtre Spoiler alert: Everything is nothing.

Select All, Delete

Pretending

I'm stronger with each pa.s.sing day. Nothing hurts except my heart, but I'm trying not to use it. I keep the blinds closed. I read my books. Existential or nihilist ones. I have no patience for books that pretend life has meaning. I have no patience for happy endings.

I don't think about Olly. He sends me e-mails that I trash without reading.

After two weeks I'm strong enough to resume some cla.s.ses. Another two weeks and I'm able to resume all of them.

I don't think about Olly. I trash still more of his e-mails.

My mom is still trying to fix me. She hovers. And worries and fusses and administers. Now that I'm stronger she coaxes me back into our mother-daughter nights. Like Olly, she wants our lives to go back to the way they were before. I don't enjoy our nights together-I don't really enjoy anything-but I do it for her. She's lost even more weight. I'm alarmed and don't know how to fix her, so I play Fonetik Skrabbl and Honor Pictionary and watch movies and pretend.

Olly's e-mails stop.