Every-Day Errors of Speech Part 29

The _mischievous_ children got _cayenne_ all over their _chaps_, by which they were sufficiently punished without any further _chastening_.

The _chivalric_ Don Quixote, having become a _monomaniac_ on the subject of _chivalry_, bestrode his _Rosinante_, and, attended by his squire, started out to perform _chivalrous_ deeds.

Lord C. has been absent since _February_, 1870; it is said that he has been traveling _incognito_, but it is certain that in Italy he has retained his _cognomen_. He is now at _Modena_ awaiting the recovery of his _Cicerone_, when he intends to visit _Genoa_ and _Milan_.

The _obesity_ of the _florid_-faced prebendary is observed to increase with his _prebend_.

I have heard much of the _gamins_ of _Gotham_, but I never realized what the _gallows_-deserving rascals were till I settled in New York City. I opened business as a _pharmaceutist_ on a corner that was a favorite _haunt_ of theirs. Such a crowd of _tatterdemalions_ as stood in front of my show-window the first day I made my display of _Parisian_ fancy goods, baffles description. One had the _hooping_ cough, and every now and then would hoop till the _perspiration_ rolled down his face; then he would shriek out the daily _newspapers_, in a voice like a _calliope_. One dirty-faced _gourmand_ ate _papaws_ till he had to _gape_ for breath, and would shoot the seeds and throw the skins at his _hundred_ comrades, half of them coming in my front door. Another, dressed in ragged _jean_, his face covered with _soot_, played the _jew's-harp_ hour after hour, with as much pride in his ability as _Paganini_ at his violin. Another, a tall, _jaundice_ visaged youth with an _embryo_ beard of about a dozen hairs, covered nearly to his heels with his great-grandfather's _surtout_, in the _lapel_ of which was pinned a death's-head, danced upon the iron cellar door till it roared like distant artillery.

Then there were many other "_partners_" bearing such _sobriquets_ as "Sore Snoot," "Pig Eye," "Limpy," etc., _improvising irrational_ songs, boxing, _wrestling_, indulging in _raillery_ and _ribald_ jests, pitching _quoits_, _meawing_ like cats, howling at my _patrons_ and driving reputable _patronage_ away. Every now and then they would send in little, _saucy_, _precocious_ urchins, who offered to _patronize_ me by asking for two cents' worth of _jujube_ paste, _tolu_ or _licorice_, or some _Samaritan_ _salve_ for Jim Biles' sore nose. At last, when the sun had reached the _horizon_, as a _finale_ of the day's _progress_, one of the young villains hurled a bowlder through my French plate-gla.s.s, which, after its flight through a lot of _citrate_ of magnesia, _cochineal_ and _quinine_, finally spilled a large bottle of red ink all over my new _pharmacopia_. Springing over the _debris_, I rushed to the door with _implacable_ anger flashing from my eyes. But one glance at that _imperturbable_ crowd showed me how _impotent_ I was. One of them with _placid_ countenance and _stolid_ indifference simply accosted me with, "Say, Mister, are you going to see the '_Naiad_ Queen' to-night?"

I left that store in less than a _fortnight_.

The _comptroller_ was appointed by the _government_ upon the supposition that he was _conversant_ with the details of _finance_; but he was only a _mediocre financier_ and was not aware of the _deficit_ in the _finances_, until the conscience-stricken _defalcating_ officer acknowledged his _defalcation_.

The emigrants to the _frontier_ chose a beautiful spot for their settlement; but they found that the wells dug there and on the _contiguous prairies_ had a _saline_ taste; so they were obliged to bring water from the _mountainous_ region beyond, by means of a _conduit_.

From the _congeries_ presented to the professor, he, at his _leisure_, _isolated_ each genus and gave _generic_ names to each; and at the next meeting of the _lyceum_, he solicited attention to his _data_ and the _truths_ he had deduced.

The handsome _contour_ of _Madame_ G's face has been spoiled by an _excrescence_ like a _raspberry_ on her _nasal_ organ.

Young _Philemon_ after reading _Lalla Rookh_, _Lara_, Don _Juan_, The _Giaour_, the productions of Mrs. _Hemans_, and a few others, was seized with the determination to become a poet; but he has only succeeded in becoming a _poetaster_, without any ideas of _prosody_.

More _metrical_ excellence and sense can be found in the _distich_:

"Mary, Mary, quite _contrary_, How does your garden grow?"

than in any of the _products_ of his brain that he has given us. His brothers, _Eben_ and _Philander_, have become stage-struck, and expect to excel in the _Protean_ art. Their _guardian_, himself a great lover of _drama_, having foolish confidence in their success, grants them _plenary_ indulgence in all their whims. They are _habitues_ of the _theatre_, and have fitted up a _suite_ of apartments next to a _suit_ of rooms occupied by some stock actors, with whom they are bound in _indissoluble_ bonds of friendship. There they spend the day in practice, and if you should call at any hour, there is no telling what will present itself to you. Perhaps Macbeth with the _glamour_ of his eyes, viewing the imaginary _gouts_ of blood; or _Banquo_ with his gory locks; or some knight with his _cuira.s.s_ on and his _visor_ down, plunging, without a _qualm_, his carmine-stained _poniard_ into the _jugular_ of some _patriot_. Possibly, Oth.e.l.lo the _Moor_, King John with the _Magna Charta_, or a _legendary_ warrior of frightful _mien_ with his _falchion_ drawn, will admit you. Or you may see a _viscount_ with _falcon_, a _rampant_ villain, a _jocund_ host, or an _irate_, _splenetic_ old man with _spectacles_, p.r.o.nouncing with _senile vehemence_ a curse upon some _fragile_ female in _negligee_ before him, who beseeches the aid of an _immobile statue_ in a _niche_ in the wall. You may get there in the nick of time to save Desdemona by an _expose_ of _Iago_'so villainy, to rescue Pythias whom Damon holds by the _nape_ of the neck on the _threshold_ of eternity, or to restrain the _suicidal_ design of the _Montague_ by informing him that the fair Capulet is only under the influence of a _soporific_--not dead. You may arrive soon enough to arouse the womanhood in the _docile_ Kate, making her less _docible_, and talk woman's rights to _Petruchio_, making him more _lenient_.

And you will find the guardian of these promising youths, sitting there all day shouting _encore_ to their absurdities, and not _rational_ enough to see his _indiscretion_ in permitting their _frivolity_.

The _ennui_, recently complained of, was relieved by an invitation to a party given by the _Mesdames_ B., the same you met at the _conversazione_ of the church _guild_. The ladies received their guests with their usual _suavity_. Their niece, _Rosamond_, recently from _Madrid_, was the attraction of the evening; she wore an elegant _moire_ antique with a profusion of _valenciennes_; she had a beautiful set of jewelry--_opal_ and diamonds. It was marvelous how her _tiny_ hands flew over the _piano-forte_. She sings very sweetly too; her voice is a sort of _mezzo-soprano_. The _nave_ Miss _Ursula_ was present, nearly smothered in black silk and _guipure_. She looks much prettier in _dishabille_. The little _piquant_ Miss _Irene_, with her _plaited_ hair, sang with a voice like a _paroquet_ her favorite, "_Ta.s.sels_ on the Boots." That disgusting young _Leopold_ was there, feeling as important as a _Rothschild_, making his _salams_, and _palavering sotto voce_ to all the girls, circulating his _monogram_ cards and sporting his paste pin with its dazzling _facets_. He thinks he cuts a wide _swath_.

Late in the evening those that were fond of _Terpsich.o.r.ean_ amus.e.m.e.nt were ushered into a room where the _tapestry_ was covered and there spent several hours in _minuets_, waltzes, quadrilles, etc.

The topics of conversation amongst the more sensible during the evening were the object of the visit of the new _prelate_, and the recent speeches of _Disraeli_ and _Thiers_.

Madame B. caused a good deal of merriment by describing an improvement in her _cuisine_ that had been introduced that day. Bridget, a late importation from _Belfast_, who had charge of the _culinary_ department, was told to send for some _vermicelli_ to put in the soup, but she ordered _spermaceti_ instead.

There was an old superst.i.tion that when the _sacristan_ caused the bell in the _cupola_ to toll its _dolorous_ funeral notes, the _manes_ of former friends joined in the solemn _cortege_, and gathering around the grave moved their lips in inaudible _requiem_, and wrote in invisible letters upon the tomb, _omega_.

The great _desideratum_ in the successful argument of _disputable_ points, is the possession of an _equable_ temper.

_Alphonso_, while out hunting _partridges_, fell into a _slough_.

Being clothed only in _nainsook_, he took a severe cold, which soon resulted in _febrile_ symptoms.

Dr. Mastiff's _posthumous monograph_ on "_Rabies_" will soon appear.

The _frontispiece_ represents a group of dogs. Next to the _preface_ is a _memoir_ of the author. It was his own design to have "_Finis_"

placed upon a cut of a tombstone. It almost seems that he had a _presentiment_ of his death.

_Suffice_ it to say that the dentist gave the patient enough letheon to produce unconsciousness, and then applied his _forceps_ to the offending tooth. Letheon, accented on the first syllable, and _lethean_ are derived from _Lethe_, the name of a river described in mythology, a draught from which caused forgetfulness.

_Sulphurous_ acid is _gaseous_, not liquid.

It is reported in the _Pall Mall_ Gazette that _Basil_ S., whom you met several years ago at _Leipsic_, is dead. He lived the life of a _roue_ for some years in Paris and London, and turned out to be a most _perfidious_ villain. In the latter city he committed many _heinous_ offenses and acts of _subtle_ knavery that were almost without _precedent_. He was engaged for a long time in the manufacture of _spurious_ money by a new _process_, in which dies were taken from _gutta-percha_ impressions. He had purchased the services of an experienced professor of _metallurgy_, and the _produce_ of their crime would have been immense, if some of his other crimes had not been betrayed. _Placards_, offering a large reward for his arrest, were posted all over the city. He fled to Venice where he was soon afterward drowned by falling from a _gondola_, thus cheating the _gibbet_ of its dues.

The foolish lover, _Ivan_, rendered desperate because his rival _Darius_ had gained the _precedence_ in _Marion's_ esteem, resolved to commit suicide and rushed _toward_ the _quay_ and plunged into the water. Some fishermen rescued him with their _seine_, poured some _potheen_ down his throat, and carried him home on a piece of _tarpaulin_. His _sousing_ cured him of his folly, but was a poor _guerdon_ for his faithfulness.

The _Saracens_, taking advantage of the _strategic_ point, made a sudden dash into the territory of the _usurper_; while a detachment _houghed_ the horses of the enemy's _cavalry_, the rest proceeded on a _predatory_ raid characterized by _rapine_ and terror, and after the _spoliation_ of the villages, and the burning of the _granaries_, returned to their own possessions.