Every Man in His Humor Part 2

CAPTAIN BOBADILL, a Paul's Man. MRS. BRIDGET his Sister.

MASTER STEPHEN, a Country Gull. TIB Cob's Wife MASTER MATHEW, the Town Gull.

THOMAS CASH, KITELY'S Cashier. Servants, etc.

SCENE,---LONDON PROLOGUE.

Though need make many poets, and some such As art and nature have not better'd much; Yet ours for want hath not so loved the stage, As he dare serve the ill customs of the age, Or purchase your delight at such a rate, As, for it, he himself must justly hate: To make a child now swaddled, to proceed Man, and then shoot up, in one beard and weed, Past threescore years; or, with three rusty swords, And help of some few foot and half-foot words, Fight over York and Lancaster's king jars, And in the tyring-house bring wounds to scars.

He rather prays you will be pleas'd to see One such to-day, as other plays should be; Where neither chorus wafts you o'er the seas, Nor creaking throne comes down the boys to please; Nor nimble squib is seen to make afeard The gentlewomen; nor roll'd bullet heard To say, it thunders; nor tempestuous drum Rumbles, to tell you when the storm doth come; But deeds, and language, such as men do use, And persons, such as comedy would choose, When she would shew an image of the times, And sport with human follies, not with crimes.

Except we make them such, by loving still Our popular errors, when we know they're ill.

I mean such errors as you'll all confess, By laughing at them, they deserve no less: Which when you heartily do, there's hope left then, You, that have so grac'd monsters, may like men.

ACT I

SCENE I.---A Street.

Enter KNOWELL, at the door of his house.

Know.

A goodly day toward, and a fresh morning.--Brainworm!

Enter Brainworm.

Call up your young master: bid him rise, sir.

Tell him, I have some business to employ him.

Brai. I will, sir, presently.

Know.

But hear you, sirrah, If he be at his book, disturb him not.

Brai. Very good, sir.

Know.

How happy yet should I esteem myself, Could I, by any practice, wean the boy From one vain course of study he affects.

He is a scholar, if a man may trust The liberal voice of fame in her report, Of good account in both our Universities, Either of which hath favoured him with graces: But their indulgence must not spring in me A fond opinion that he cannot err.

Myself was once a student, and indeed, Fed with the self-same humour he is now, Dreaming on nought but idle poetry, That fruitless and unprofitable art, Good unto none, but least to the professors; Which then I thought the mistress of all knowledge: But since, time and the truth have waked my judgment.

And reason taught me better to distinguish T he vain from the useful learnings.

Enter Master STEPHEN.

Cousin Stephen, What news with you, that you are here so early?

Step. Nothing, but e'en come to see how you do, unclo.

Know. That's kindly done; you are welcome, coz.

Step.

Ay, I know that, sir; I would not have come else.

How does my cousin Edward, uncle?

Know.

O, well, coz; go in and see; I doubt he be scarce stirring yet.

Step. Uncle, afore I go in, can you tell me, an he have e'er a book of the science of hawking and hunting; I would fain borrow it.

Know. Why, I hope you will not a hawking now, will you?

Step. No, wusse; but I'll practise against next year, uncle. I have bought me a hawk, and a hood, and bells and all; I lack nothing but a book to keep it by.

Know. Oh, most ridiculous!

Step. Nay, look you now, you are angry, uncle:--Why, you know an a man have not skill in the hawking and hunting languages now-a-days, I'll not give a rush for him: they are more studied than the Greek, or the Latin. He is for no gallant's company without them; and by gadslid I scorn it, I, so I do, to be a consort for every humdrum: hang them, scroyles! there's nothing in them i' the world. What do you talk on it? Because I dwell at Hogsden, I shall keep company with none but the archers of Finsbury, or the citizens that come a ducking to Islington ponds! A fine jest, i' faith! 'Slid, a gentleman mun shew himself like a gentleman. Uncle, I pray you be not angry; I know what I have to do, I trow. I am no novice.

Know.

You are a prodigal, absurd c.o.xcomb, go to!

Nay, never look at me, 'tis I that speak; Take't as you will, sir, I'll not flatter you.

Have you not yet found means enow to waste That which your friends have left you, but you must Go cast away your money on a buzzard, And know not how to keep it, when you have done?

O, it is comely! this will make you a gentleman!

Well, cousin, well, I see you are e'en past hope Of all reclaim:---ay, so; now you are told on't, You look another way.

Step. What would you ha' me do?

Know.

What would I have you do? I'll tell you, kinsman; Learn to be wise, and practise how to thrive; That would I have you do: and not to spend Your coin on every bauble that you fancy, Or every foolish brain that humours you.

I would not have you to invade each place, Nor thrust yourself on all societies, Till men's affections, or your own desert, Should worthily invite you to your rank.

He that is so respectless in his courses, Oft sells his reputation at cheap market.

Nor would I, you should melt away yourself In flashing bravery, lest, while you affect To make a blaze of gentry to the world, A little puff of scorn extinguish it; And you be left like an unsavoury snuff, Whose property is only to offend.

I'd have you sober, and contain yourself, Not that your sail be bigger than your boat; But moderate your expenses now, at first, As you may keep the same proportion still: Nor stand so much on your gentility, Which is an airy and mere borrow'd thing, From dead men's dust and bones; and none of yours, Except you make, or hold it.

Enter a Servant.

Who comes here?

Serv. Save you, gentlemen!

Step. Nay, we do not stand much on our gentility, friend; yet you are welcome: and I a.s.sure you mine uncle here is a man of a thousand a year, Middles.e.x land. He has but one son in all the world, I am his next heir, at the common law, master Stephen, as simple as I stand here, if my cousin die, as there's hope he will: I have a pretty living O' mine own too, beside, hard by here.

Serv. In good time, sir.

Step. In good time, sir! why, and in very good time, sir! You do not flout, friend, do you?

Servo Not I, sir.

Step. Not you, sir! you were best not, sir; an you should; here be them can perceive it, and that quickly too; go to: and they can give it again soundly too, an need be.

Servo Why, sir, let this satisfy you; good faith, I had no such intent.

Step. Sir, an I thought you had, I would talk with you, and that presently.