Ever Heard This? Part 19

"If a bloater and a half cost three ha'pence, what would thirteen cost?"

Tommy did not know and was sent into an adjoining cla.s.sroom to work out the problem. The boy was very quiet, and on looking to see what he was doing the master discovered him before a blackboard covered with figures. "How are you getting on, Tommy?" he asked. "What was the question, sir?" he replied. "If a bloater and a half----" "Oh, bloaters--I've been working it out in kippers!"

A CONVENIENCE

During a cross-examination an undertaker produced his business card, on which was a telegraphic address. He was asked why the latter should be necessary.

"Oh," interposed the judge, "I suppose it is for the convenience of people who want to be buried in a hurry."

THE PRAYER MEETING

A clergyman met a parishioner of dissolute habits. "I was surprised but very glad to see you at the prayer meeting last evening," he said. "So that's where I was!" replied the man.

TAKING TIME

An old negro was taken ill, and called in a physician of his own race.

After a time, as there were no signs of improvement, he asked for a white doctor. Soon after arriving, the doctor felt the old man's pulse, and then examined his tongue. "Did your other doctor take your temperature?" he asked. "I don't know, boss," replied the ailing negro, "I hain't missed nothing but my watch as yet."

KING'S EVIDENCE

When Whitfield first went to America, observing, during his voyage, the dissolute manners of the crew, he invited them to one of his pious declamations, and took occasion to reprehend them for their loose manner of living. "You will certainly," says he, "go to h.e.l.l. Perhaps you may think I will be an advocate for you; but, believe me, I will tell of all your wicked actions." Upon this one of the sailors, turning to his messmate, observed, "Ay, Jack, that's just the way at the Old Bailey; the greatest rogue always turns king's evidence."

A PLEASANT PROSPECT

"Grandma, shall I have a face like you when I get old?" asked the _enfant terrible_.

"Yes, my dear, if you're good."

BALAAM'S SWORD

A student, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, produced, among many other curiosities, a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is a sword with which Balaam was going to kill his a.s.s." One of the company observed that he thought Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one. "You are right," replied the student, "and this is the very sword he wished for."

THE HONORARIUM

The local Council had decided that in consequence of untiring and devoted service they would grant an honorarium to one of their staff.

One of the oldest and most energetic members rose to speak in favour of the presentation, but expressed his opinion that the Council certainly ought to ascertain first whether the young man could play the instrument.

MANNERS

A well-known cleric came to a stile occupied by a farm lad, who was eating his bread and bacon luncheon. The boy making no attempt to allow his reverence to pa.s.s, was told that he seemed to be "better fed than taught." "Very likely," answered the lad, "for ye teaches Oi, but Oi feeds meself."

SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING

A lady asked a very silly Scotch n.o.bleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. "Oh, madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pa.s.s, that, for the honour of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding." "Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled."

THE AVERAGE EGG

The teacher asked the arithmetic cla.s.s: "What is the meaning of the word average?" A small boy replied: "It's a thing that hens lay eggs on."

"Why?" "Because I've read that a hen lays an egg on an average once a day."

FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE

A gentleman was one day relating to a Quaker a tale of deep distress, and concluded very pathetically by saying, "I could not but feel for him." "Verily, friend," replied the Quaker, "thou didst right in that thou didst feel for thy neighbour; but didst thou feel in the right place--didst thou feel in thy pocket?"