Ever Heard This? Part 1

EVER HEARD THIS?

by F. W. Chambers.

WHAT HE WANTED

A lover and his la.s.s sought a secluded lane, but to their disgust a small boy arrived there too. Said the lover:

"Here's a penny. Go and get some sweets."

"I don't want any sweets."

"Well, here's a shilling. Run away."

"I don't want a shilling."

"Then here's half a crown."

"I don't want half a crown."

"Well, what do you want?"

"I want to watch."

HIS CHOICE

A little boy, who had had some insight into the disposal of surplus kittens, on being shown his mother's newly arrived twins, laid his finger on that which struck his fancy, and said, "That's the one I'll have kept."

NOT IN THE REGULATIONS

A raw Highlander from a northern depot was put on guard at the C.O.'s tent. In the morning the Colonel looked out, and though he prided himself on knowing all his men the sentry's face was unfamiliar.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"A'am fine, thank ye," was the reply, "an' hoo's yerself?"

CHEAP TALK

Jones was proud of his virtues. "Gentlemen, for twenty years I haven't touched whisky, cards, told a lie, done an unkind deed, or smoked, or sworn," he said.

"By Jove! I wish I could say that," Brown exclaimed enviously.

"Well, why don't you?" said a mutual friend. "Jones did."

SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTIs.e.m.e.nT

A Scot and a minister were in a train together travelling through a lovely part of Scotland.

Beautiful scenery--mountains, dales, rivers, and all the glories of Nature. When pa.s.sing a grand mountain they saw a huge advertis.e.m.e.nt for So-and-So's whisky.

The Scot gave a snort of disgust. The minister leant forward and said, "I'm glad to see, sir, that you agree with me, that they should not be allowed to desecrate the beauties of Nature by advertis.e.m.e.nt."

"It's no' that, sir," said the Scot bitterly, "it's rotten whusky."

A CANDID CRITIC

Bishop Blomfield, having forgotten his written sermon, once preached _ex tempore_, for the first and only time in his life, choosing as his text "The fool hath said in his heart, There is no G.o.d." On his way home he asked one of his congregation how he liked the discourse. "Well, Mr.

Blomfield," replied the man, "I liked the sermon well enough, but I can't say I agree with you; I think there be a G.o.d!"

WHAT'S IN A NAME

A lawyer who was sometimes forgetful, having been engaged to plead the cause of an offender, began by saying: "I know the prisoner at the bar, and he bears the character of being a most consummate and impudent scoundrel." Here somebody whispered to him that the prisoner was his client, when he immediately continued: "But what great and good man ever lived who was not calumniated by many of his contemporaries?"

WHY BROWN LEFT

Mr. Brown expressed to his landlady his pleasure in seeing her place a plate of sc.r.a.ps before the cat. "Oh, yes, sir," she replied. "Wot I says, Mr. Brown, is, be kind to the cats, and yer'll find it saves yer 'arf the washin'-up."