Etiquette Part 25

CHAPTER XXVII.

NOTES AND SHORTER LETTERS.

In writing notes or letters, as in all other forms of social observance, the highest achievement is in giving the appearance of simplicity, naturalness and force.

Those who use long periods of flowered prolixity and pretentious phrases--who write in complicated form with meaningless flourishes, do not make an impression of elegance and erudition upon their readers, but flaunt instead unmistakable evidence of vainglory and ignorance.

The letter you write, whether you realize it or not, is always a mirror which reflects your appearance, taste and character. A "sloppy" letter with the writing all pouring into one corner of the page, badly worded, badly spelled, and with unmatched paper and envelope--even possibly a blot--proclaims the sort of person who would have unkempt hair, unclean linen and broken shoe laces; just as a neat, precise, evenly written note portrays a person of like characteristics. Therefore, while it can not be said with literal accuracy that one may read the future of a person by study of his handwriting, it is true that if a young man wishes to choose a wife in whose daily life he is sure always to find the unfinished task, the untidy mind and the syncopated housekeeping, he may do it quite simply by selecting her from her letters.

!HOW TO IMPROVE A LETTER'S APPEARANCE!

Some people are fortunate in being able easily to make graceful letters, to s.p.a.ce their words evenly, and to put them on a page so that the picture is pleasing; others are discouraged at the outset because their fingers are clumsy, and their efforts crude; but no matter how badly formed each individual letter may be, if the writing is consistent throughout, the page as a whole looks fairly well.

You can make yourself write neatly and legibly. You can (with the help of a dictionary if necessary) spell correctly; you can be sure that you understand the meaning of every word you use. If it is hard for you to write in a straight line, use the lined guide that comes with nearly all stationery; if impossible to keep an even margin, draw a perpendicular line at the left of the guide so that you can start each new line of writing on it. You can also make a guide to slip under the envelope. Far better to use a guide than to send envelopes and pages of writing that slide up hill and down, in uncontrolled disorder.

[Ill.u.s.tration: FACSIMILES, REDUCED IN SIZE, OF LETTER AND ENVELOPE GUIDES]

!CHOICE OF WRITING PAPER!

Suitability should be considered in choosing note paper, as well as in choosing a piece of furniture for a house. For a handwriting which is habitually large, a larger sized paper should be chosen than for writing which is small. The shape of paper should also depend somewhat upon the s.p.a.cing of the lines which is typical of the writer, and whether a wide or narrow margin is used. Low, spread-out writing looks better on a square sheet of paper; tall, pointed writing looks better on paper that is high and narrow. Selection of paper whether rough or smooth is entirely a matter of personal choice--so that the quality be good, and the shape and color conservative.

Paper should never be ruled, or highly scented, or odd in shape, or have elaborate or striking ornamentation. Some people use smaller paper for notes, or correspondence cards, cut to the size of the envelopes. Others use the same size for all correspondence and leave a wider margin in writing notes.

The flap of the envelope should be plain and the point not unduly long. If the flap is square instead of being pointed, it may be allowed greater length without being eccentric. Colored linings to envelopes are at present in fashion. Thin white paper, with monogram or address stamped in gray to match gray tissue lining of the envelope is, for instance, in very best taste. Young girls may be allowed quite gay envelope linings, but the device on the paper must be minute, in proportion to the gaiety of the color.

[Ill.u.s.trations: GOOD TASTE GOOD TASTE GOOD TASTE BAD TASTE BAD TASTE]

Writing paper for a man should always be strictly conservative. Plain white or gray or granite paper, large in size and stamped in the simplest manner. The size should be 5-3/4 x 7-1/2 or 6 x 8 or 5-1/8 x 8-1/8 or thereabouts.

A paper suitable for the use of all the members of a family has the address stamped in black or dark color, in plain letters at the top of the first page. More often than not the telephone number is put in very small letters under that of the address, a great convenience in the present day of telephoning. For example: 350 PARK AVENUE TELEPHONE 7572 PLAZA !DEVICES FOR STAMPING!

As there is no such thing as heraldry in America, the use of a coat of arms is as much a foreign custom as the speaking of a foreign tongue; but in certain communities where old families have used their crests continuously since the days when they brought their device--and their right to it--from Europe, the use of it is suitable and proper. The sight of this or that crest on a carriage or automobile in New York or Boston announces to all those who have lived their lives in either city that the vehicle belongs to a member of this or that family. But for some one without an inherited right to select a lion rampant or a stag couchant because he thinks it looks stylish, is as though, for the same reason, he changed his name from Muggins to Marmaduke, and quite properly subjects him to ridicule. (Strictly speaking, a woman has the right to use a "lozenge" only; since in heraldic days women did not bear arms, but no one in this country follows heraldic rule to this extent.) !THE PERSONAL DEVICE!

It is occasionally the fancy of artists or young girls to adopt some especial symbol a.s.sociated with themselves. The "b.u.t.terfly" of Whistler for instance is as well-known as his name. A painter of marines has the small outline of a ship stamped on his writing paper, and a New York architect the capital of an Ionic column. A generation ago young women used to fancy such an intriguing symbol as a mask, a sphinx, a question mark, or their own names, if their names were such as could be pictured. There can be no objection to one's appropriation of such an emblem if one fancies it. But Lilly, Belle, Dolly and Kitten are Lillian, Isabel, Dorothy and Katherine in these days, and appropriate hall-marks are not easily found.

!COUNTRY HOUSE STATIONERY: FOR A BIG HOUSE!

In selecting paper for a country house we go back to the subject of suitability. A big house in important grounds should have very plain, very dignified letter paper. It may be white or tinted blue or gray. The name of the place should be engraved, in the center usually, at the top of the first page. It may be placed left, or right, as preferred. Slanting across the upper corners or in a list at the upper left side, may be put as many addresses as necessary. Many persons use a whole row of small devices in outline, the engine of a train and beside it Ardmoor, meaning that Ardmoor is the railroad station. A telegraph pole, an envelope, a telephone instrument--and beside each an address. These devices are suitable for all places, whether they are great or tiny, that have different addresses for railroad, post-office, telephone telegraph.

[Ill.u.s.tration: (train) Stirlington, New York]

[Ill.u.s.tration: (telegraph pole and envelopes) Ringwood, New Jersey]

[Ill.u.s.tration: (telephone) Sloatsburg, Seven-three-two]

For the Little House On the other hand, farmhouses and little places in the country may have very bright-colored stamping, as well as gay-lined envelopes. Places with easily ill.u.s.trated names quite often have them pictured; the "Bird-cage," for instance, may have a bright blue paper with a bird-cage in supposed red lacquer; the "Bandbox," a fantastically decorated milliner's box on oyster gray paper, the envelope lining of black and gray pin stripes, and the "Doll's House" might use the outline of a doll's house in gra.s.s green on green-bordered white paper, and white envelopes lined with gra.s.s green. Each of these devices must be as small as the outline of a cherry pit and the paper of the smallest size that comes. (Envelopes 3-1/2 x 5 inches or paper 4 x 6 and envelopes the same size to hold paper without folding.) [Ill.u.s.tration: (three envelope corners with logos)]

It is foolish perhaps to give the description of such papers, for their fashion is but of the moment. A jeweler from Paris has been responsible for their present vogue in New York, and his clientele is only among the young and smart. Older and more conservative women (and, of course, all men) keep to the plain fashion of yesterday, which will just as surely be the fashion of to-morrow.

!MOURNING PAPER!

Persons who are in mourning use black-edged visiting cards, letter paper and envelopes. The depth of black corresponds with the depth of mourning and the closeness of relation to the one who has gone, the width decreasing as one's mourning lightens. The width of black to use is a matter of personal taste and feeling. A very heavy border (from 3/8 to 7/16 of an inch) announces the deepest retirement.

!DATING A LETTER!

Usually the date is put at the upper right hand of the first page of a letter, or at the end, and to the left of the signature, of a note. It is far less confusing for one's correspondent to read January 9, 1920, than 1-9-20. Theoretically, one should write out the date in full: the ninth of January, Nineteen hundred and twenty-one. That, however, is the height of pedantry, and an unswallowable mouthful at the top of any page not a doc.u.ment.

At the end of a note "Thursday" is sufficient unless the note is an invitation for more than a week ahead, in which case write as in a letter, "January 9" or "the ninth of January." The year is not necessary since it can hardly be supposed to take a year for a letter's transportation.

!SEQUENCE OF PAGES!

If a note is longer than one page, the third page is usually next, as this leaves the fourth blank and prevents the writing from showing through the envelope. With heavy or tissue-lined envelopes, the fourth is used as often as the third. In letters one may write first, second, third, fourth, in regular order; or first and fourth, then, opening the sheet and turning it sideways, write across the two inside pages as one. Many prefer to write on first, third, then sideways across second and fourth. In certain cities--Boston, for instance--the last word on a page is repeated at the top of the next. It is undoubtedly a good idea, but makes a stuttering impression upon one not accustomed to it.

!FOLDING A NOTE!

As to whether a letter is folded in such a way that the recipient shall read the contents without having to turn the paper, is giving too much importance to nothing. It is sufficient if the paper is folded neatly, once, of course, for the envelope that is half the length of the paper, and twice for the envelope that is a third.

!SEALING WAX!

If you use sealing wax, let us hope you are an adept at making an even and smoothly finished seal. Choose a plain-colored wax rather than one speckled with metal. With the sort of paper described for country houses, or for young people, or those living in studios or bungalows, gay sealing wax may be quite alluring, especially if it can be persuaded to pour smoothly like liquid, and not to look like a streaked and broken off slice of dough. In days when envelopes were unknown, all letters had to be sealed, hence when envelopes were made, the idea obtained that it was improper to use both gum-arabic and wax. Strictly speaking this may be true, but since all envelopes have mucilage, it would be unreasonable to demand that those who like to use sealing wax have their envelopes made to order.

!FORM OF ADDRESS!

The most formal beginning of a social letter is "My dear Mrs. Smith." (The fact that in England "Dear Mrs. Smith" is more formal does not greatly concern us in America.) "Dear Mrs. Smith," "Dear Sarah," "Dear Sally," "Sally dear," "Dearest Sally," "Darling Sally," are increasingly intimate.

Business letters begin: Smith, Johnson & Co., 20 Broadway, New York.

Dear Sirs: Or if more personal: John Smith & Co., 20 Broadway, New York.

My Dear Mr. Smith: !THE COMPLIMENTARY CLOSE!

The close of a business letter should be "Yours truly," or "Yours very truly." "Respectfully" is used only by a tradesman to a customer, an employee to an employer, or by an inferior, never by a person of equal position. No lady should ever sign a letter "respectfully," not even were she writing to a queen. If an American lady should have occasion to write to a queen, she should conclude her letter "I have the honor to remain, Madam, your most obedient." (For address and close of letters to persons of t.i.tle, see table at the end of this chapter.) !CLOSE OF PERSONAL NOTES AND LETTERS!

It is too bad that the English language does not permit the charming and graceful closing of all letters in the French manner, those little flowers of compliment that leave such a pleasant fragrance after reading. But ever since the Eighteenth Century the English-speaking have been busy pruning away all ornament of expression; even the last remaining graces, "kindest regards," "with kindest remembrances," are fast disappearing, leaving us nothing but an abrupt "Yours truly," or "Sincerely yours."

Closing a Formal Note The best ending to a formal social note is, "Sincerely," "Sincerely yours," "Very sincerely," "Very sincerely yours," "Yours always sincerely," or "Always sincerely yours."

"I remain, dear madam," is no longer in use, but "Believe me" is still correct when formality is to be expressed in the close of a note.

Believe me Very sincerely yours, or Believe me, my dear Mrs. Worldly, Most sincerely yours, This last is an English form, but it is used by quite a number of Americans--particularly those who have been much abroad.

Appropriate for a Man "Faithfully" or "Faithfully yours" is a very good signature for a man in writing to a woman, or in any uncommercial correspondence, such as a letter to the President of the United States, a member of the Cabinet, an Amba.s.sador, a clergyman, etc.

The Intimate Closing "Affectionately yours," "Always affectionately," "Affectionately," "Devotedly," "Lovingly," "Your loving" are in increasing scale of intimacy.

"Lovingly" is much more intimate than "Affectionately" and so is "Devotedly."

"Sincerely" in formal notes and "Affectionately" in intimate notes are the two adverbs most used in the present day, and between these two there is a blank; in English we have no expression to fit sentiment more friendly than the first nor one less intimate than the second.

Not Good Form "Cordially" was coined no doubt to fill this need, but its self-consciousness puts it in the category with "residence" and "retire," and all the other offenses of pretentiousness, and in New York, at least, it is not used by people of taste.

"Warmly yours" is unspeakable.

"Yours in haste" or "Hastily yours" is not bad form, but is rather carelessly rude.

"In a tearing hurry" is a termination dear to the boarding school girl; but its truth does not make it any more attractive than the vision of that same young girl rushing into a room with her hat and coat half on, to swoop upon her mother with a peck of a kiss, and with a "--by, mamma!" whirl out again! Turmoil and flurry may be characteristic of the manners of to-day; both are far from the ideal of beautiful manners which should be as a.s.sured, as smooth, as controlled as the running of a high-grade automobile. Flea-like motions are no better suited to manners than to motors.

Other Endings "Gratefully" is used only when a benefit has been received, as to a lawyer who has skilfully handled a case; to a surgeon who has saved a life dear to you; to a friend who has been put to unusual trouble to do you a favor.

In an ordinary letter of thanks, the signature is "Sincerely," "Affectionately," "Devotedly"--as the case may be.

The phrases that a man might devise to dose a letter to his betrothed or his wife are bound only by the limit of his imagination and do not belong in this, or any, book.

!THE SIGNATURE!

Abroad, the higher the rank, the shorter the name. A duke, for instance, signs himself "Marlborough," nothing else, and a queen her first name "Victoria." The social world in Europe, therefore, laughs at us for using our whole names, or worse yet, inserting meaningless initials in our signatures. Etiquette in accord with Europe also objects strenuously to initials and demands that names be always engraved, and, if possible, written in full, but only very correct people strictly observe this rule.

In Europe all persons have so many names given them in baptism that they are forced, naturally, to lay most of them aside, selecting one, or at most two, for use. In America, the names bestowed at baptism become inseparably part of each individual, so that if the name is overlong, a string of initials is the inevitable result.

Since, in America, it is not customary for a man to discard any of his names, and John Hunter t.i.therington Smith is far too much of a pen-full for the one who signs thousands of letters and doc.u.ments, it is small wonder that he chooses J.H.T. Smith, instead, or perhaps, at the end of personal letters, John H.T. Smith. Why shouldn't he? It is, after all, his own name to sign as he chooses, and in addressing him deference to his choice should be shown.

A married woman should always sign a letter to a stranger, a bank, business firm, etc., with her baptismal name, and add, in parenthesis, her married name. Thus: Very truly yours, Sarah Robinson Smith. (Mrs. J.H. t.i.therington Smith.) Never under any circ.u.mstances sign a letter "Mr.", "Mrs.", or "Miss" (except a note written in the third person). If, in the example above, Sarah Robinson Smith were "Miss" she would put "Miss" in parenthesis to the left of her signature: (Miss) Sarah Robinson Smith.

!THE SUPERSCRIPTION!

Formal invitations are always addressed to Mr. Stanley Smith; all other personal letters may be addressed to Stanley Smith, Esq. The t.i.tle of Esquire formerly was used to denote the eldest son of a knight or members of a younger branch of a n.o.ble house. Later all graduates of universities, professional and literary men, and important landholders were given the right to this t.i.tle, which even to-day denotes a man of education--a gentleman. John Smith, esquire, is John Smith, gentleman. Mr. John Smith may be a gentleman; or may not be one. And yet, as noted above, all engraved invitations are addressed "Mr."

Never under any circ.u.mstances address a social letter or note to a married woman, even if she is a widow, as Mrs. Mary Town. A widow is still Mrs. James Town. If her son's wife should have the same name, she becomes Mrs. James Town, Sr., or simply Mrs. Town.

A divorced woman, if she was the innocent person, retains the right if she chooses, to call herself Mrs. John Brown Smith, but usually she prefers to take her own surname. Supposing her to have been Mary Simpson, she calls herself Mrs. Simpson Smith. If a lady is the wife or widow of "the head of a family" she may call herself Mrs. Smith, even on visiting cards and invitations.

The eldest daughter is Miss Smith; her younger sister, Miss Jane Smith.

Invitations to children are addressed, Miss Katherine Smith and Master Robert Smith.

Do not write "The Messrs. Brown" in addressing a father and son. "The Messrs. Brown" is correct only for unmarried brothers.

Although one occasionally sees an envelope addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Jones," and "Miss Jones" written underneath the names of her parents, it is better form to send a separate invitation addressed to Miss Jones alone. A wedding invitation addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Jones and family is not in good taste. Even if the Jones children are young, the Misses Jones should receive a separate envelope, and so should Master Jones.

!ONE LAST REMARK!

Write the name and address on the envelope as precisely and as legibly as you can. The post-office has enough to do in deciphering the letters of the illiterate, without being asked to do unnecessary work for you!

!BUSINESS LETTERS!

Business letters written by a private individual differ very little from those sent out from a business house. A lady never says "Yours of the 6th received and contents noted," or "Yours to hand," nor does she address the firm as "Gentlemen," nor does she ever sign herself "Respectfully." A business letter should be as brief and explicit as possible. For example: Tuxedo Park New York May 17, 1922 I. Paint & Co., 22 Branch St., New York.

Dear Sirs: Your estimate for painting my dining-room, library, south bedroom, and dressing-room is satisfactory, and you may proceed with the work as soon as possible.

I find, on the other hand, that wainscoting the hall comes to more than I had antic.i.p.ated, and I have decided to leave it as it is for the present.

Very truly yours, C.R. Town. (Mrs. James Town) !THE SOCIAL NOTE!

There should be no more difficulty in writing a social note than in writing a business letter; each has a specific message for its sole object and the principle of construction is the same: * Date Address (on business letter only) Salutation: The statement of whatever is the purpose of the note.

Complimentary close, Signature. * Or date here The difference in form between a business and a social note is that the full name and address of the person written to is never put in the latter, better quality stationery is used, and the salutation is "My dear ----" or "Dear ----" instead of "Dear Sir:"

Example: 350 Park Avenue Dear Mrs. Robinson: I am enclosing the list I promised you--Luberge makes the most beautiful things. Mower, the dressmaker, has for years made clothes for me, and I think Revaud the best milliner in Paris. Leonie is a "little milliner" who often has pretty blouses as well as hats and is very reasonable.

I do hope the addresses will be of some use to you, and that you will have a delightful trip, Very sincerely, Martha Kindhart.

Thursday.

!THE NOTE OF APOLOGY!

Examples: !I!

BROADLAWNS Dear Mrs. Town: I do deeply apologize for my seeming rudeness in having to send the message about Monday night.

When I accepted your invitation, I stupidly forgot entirely that Monday was a holiday and that all of my own guests, naturally, were not leaving until Tuesday morning, and Arthur and I could not therefore go out by ourselves and leave them!

We were too disappointed and hope that you know how sorry we were not to be with you.

Very sincerely, Ethel Norman. Tuesday morning.

!II!

Dear Mrs. Neighbor: My gardener has just told me that our chickens got into your flower beds, and did a great deal of damage.

The chicken netting is being built higher at this moment and they will not be able to damage anything again. I shall, of course, send Patrick to put in shrubs to replace those broken, although I know that ones newly planted cannot compensate for those you have lost, and I can only ask you to accept my contrite apologies.

Always sincerely yours, Katherine de Puyster Eminent.

!LETTERS OF THANKS!

In the following examples of letters intimate and from young persons, such profuse expressions as "divine," "awfully," "petrified," "too sweet," "too wonderful," are purposely inserted, because to change all of the above enthusiasms into "pleased with," "very," "feared," "most kind," would be to change the vitality of the "real" letters into smug and self-conscious utterances at variance with anything ever written by young men and women of to-day. Even the letters of older persons, although they are more restrained than those of youth, avoid anything suggesting pedantry and affectation.

Do not from this suppose that well-bred people write badly! On the contrary, perfect simplicity and freedom from self-consciousness are possible only to those who have acquired at least some degree of cultivation. For flagrant examples of pretentiousness (which is the infallible sign of lack of breeding), see page 61. For simplicity of expression, such as is unattainable to the rest of us, but which we can at least strive to emulate, read first the Bible; then at random one might suggest such authors as Robert Louis Stevenson, E.S. Martin, Agnes Repplier, John Galsworthy and Max Beerbohm. E.V. Lucas has written two novels in letter form--which ill.u.s.trate the best type of present day letter-writing.

!LETTERS OF THANKS FOR WEDDING PRESENTS!

Although all wedding presents belong to the bride, she generally words her letters of thanks as though they belonged equally to the groom, especially if they have been sent by particular friends of his.

To Intimate Friends of the Groom Dear Mrs. Norman: To think of your sending us all this wonderful gla.s.s! It is simply divine, and Jim and I both thank you a thousand times!

The presents are, of course, to be shown on the day of the wedding, but do come in on Tuesday at tea time for an earlier view.