Etiquette Part 18

With the exception of parasols, or m.u.f.fs or fans, which are occasionally carried in place of bouquets and presented by the bride, every article worn by the bridesmaids, flower girls or pages, although chosen by the bride, must be paid for by the wearers.

It is perhaps an irrefutable condemnation of the modern wedding display that many a young girl has had to refuse the joy of being in the wedding party because a complete bridesmaid outfit costs a sum that parents of moderate means are quite unable to meet for popular daughters. And it is seldom that the bride is herself in a position to give six or eight complete costumes, much as she may want all of her most particular friends with her on her day of days. Very often a bride tries especially to choose clothes that will not be expensive, but New York prices are New York prices, and the chic which is to make the wedding a perfect picture is the thing of all others that has to be paid for.

Even though one particular girl may be able to dress herself very smartly in homemade clothes of her own design and making, those same clothes duplicated eight times seldom turn out well. Why this is so, is a mystery. When a girl looks smart in inferior clothes, the merit is in her, not in the clothes--and in a group of six or eight, five or seven will show a lack of "finish," and the tender-hearted bride who, for the sake of their purses sends her bridesmaids to an average "little woman" to have their clothes made, and to a little hat-place around the corner, is apt to have a rather dowdy little flock fluttering down the aisle in front of her.

!HOW MANY BRIDESMAIDS?!

This question is answered by: How many friends has she whom she has "always promised" to have with her on that day? Has she a large circle of intimates or only one or two? Her sister is always maid of honor; if she has no sister, she chooses her most intimate friend.

A bride may have a veritable procession: eight or ten bridesmaids, a maid of honor, flower girls and pages. That is, if she follows the English custom, where every younger relative even including the little boys as pages, seems always to be brought into a perfect May-pole procession of ragged ages and sizes.

Or she may have none at all. She almost always has at least one maid, or matron, of honor, as the picture of her father standing holding her bouquet and stooping over to adjust the fall of her dress, would be difficult to witness with gravity.

At an average New York wedding, there are four or six bridesmaids--half of the "maids" may be "matrons," if most of the bride's "group" of friends have married before her. It is, however, not suitable to have young married women as bridesmaids, and then have an unmarried girl as maid of honor.

!BEST MAN AND USHERS!

The bridegroom always has a best man--his brother if he has one, or his best friend. The number of his ushers is in proportion to the size of the church and the number of guests invited. At a house wedding, ushers are often merely "honorary" and he may have many or none--according to the number of his friends.

As ushers and bridesmaids are chosen only from close friends of the bride and groom, it is scarcely necessary to suggest how to word the asking! Usually they are told that they are expected to serve at the time the engagement is announced, or at any time as they happen to meet. If school or college friends who live at a distance are among the number, letters are necessary. Such as: "Mary and I are to be married on the tenth of November, and, of course, you are to be an usher." Usually he adds: "My dinner is to be on the seventh at eight o'clock at ----," naming the club or restaurant.

It is unheard of for a man to refuse--unless a bridegroom, for sn.o.bbish reasons, asks some one who is not really a friend at all.

!BRIDE'S USHER AND GROOM'S BRIDESMAID!

A brother of the bride, or if she has no brother, then her "favorite cousin" is always asked by the groom to be usher out of compliment to her.

The bride returns the compliment by asking the sister of the groom who is nearest her own age, to be bridesmaid, or if he has no sister, she asks a cousin or even occasionally shows her courtesy by asking the groom to name a particular friend of his. The bride in asking her does not say: "Will you be one of my bridesmaids because Jim wants me to ask you." If the bridesmaid is not a particular friend of the bride, she knows perfectly that it is on Jim's account that she has been asked. It is the same with the bride's usher. The groom merely asks him as he asks all of the others.

When a foreigner marries an American girl, his own friends being too distant to serve, the ushers are chosen from among the friends of the bride.

!BRIDEGROOM HAS NO TROUSSEAU!

A whole outfit of new clothes is never considered necessary for a bridegroom, but shabby ones are scarcely appropriate. Whatever his wardrobe may stand in need of should be bought, if possible. He should have, not necessarily new, plenty of good shirts of all kinds, handkerchiefs, underwear, pajamas, socks, ties, gloves, etc., and a certain number of fresh, or as good as new, suits of clothes.

There was a wedding not long ago which caused quite a lot of derisive comment because the groom's mother provided him with a complete and elaborate trousseau from London, enormous trunks full of every sort of raiment imaginable. That part of it all was very nice; her mistake was in inviting a group of friends in to see the finery. The son was so mortified by this publicity that he appeared at the wedding in clothes conspicuously shabby, in order to counteract the "Mama's-darling-little-newly-wed" effect that the publicity of her generous outlay had produced.

It is proper and fitting for a groom to have as many new clothes as he needs, or pleases, or is able to get--but they are never shown to indiscriminate audiences, they are not featured, and he does not go about looking "dressed up."

!THE WEDDING CLOTHES OF THE BRIDEGROOM!

If he does not already possess a well fitting morning coat (often called a cutaway) he must order one for his wedding. The frock coat is out of fashion at the moment. He must also have dark striped gray trousers. At many smart weddings, especially in the spring, a groom (also his best man) wears a white pique high double-breasted waistcoat, because the more white that can be got into an otherwise sombre costume the more wedding-like it looks; conventionally he wears a black one to match his coat, like the ushers. The white edge to a black waistcoat is not, at present, very good form. As to his tie, he may choose an "Ascot" of black and white or gray patterned silk. Or he may wear a "four-in-hand" matching those selected for the ushers, of black silk with a narrow single, or broken white stripe at narrow or wide intervals. At one of the ultra smart weddings in New York last spring, after the London fashion, the groom and all the men of the wedding party wore bow ties of black silk with small white dots.

White buckskin gloves are the smartest, but gray suede are the most conventional. White kid is worn only in the evening. It is even becoming the fashion for ushers at small country weddings not to wear gloves at all! But at every wedding, great or small, city or country, etiquette demands that the groom, best man, and ushers, all wear high silk hats, and that the groom carry a walking stick.

Very particular grooms have the soles of their shoes blacked with "water-proof" shoe polish so that when they kneel, their shoes look dark and neat.

!WHAT THE BEST MAN WEARS!

The best man wears precisely what the groom wears, with only one small exception: the groom's boutonniere is slightly different and more elaborate. The groom and best man often wear ties that are different from those worn by the ushers, and occasionally white waistcoats. Otherwise the two princ.i.p.al men are dressed like the ushers.

!WHAT THE USHERS WEAR!

It is of greatest importance that in dress each usher be an exact counterpart of his fellows, if the picture is to be perfect.

Everyone knows what a ragged-edged appearance is produced by a company of recruits whose uniforms are odd lots. An after-effect of army training was evident at one or two smart New York weddings where the grooms were in each case ex-officers and their ushers turned out in military uniformity. Each of these grooms sent typewritten instructions to his ushers, covering every detail of the "equipment" exacted. Few people may have reasoned why, but scarcely any one failed to notice "what smart looking men all the ushers were." It is always just such attention to detail that produces a perfectly finished result. The directions sent by one of the grooms was as follows: "Wedding rehearsal on Tuesday, St. Bartholomew's at 5 P.M.

Wedding on Wednesday at 4 P.M.

Please wear: Black calfskin low shoes. Plain black silk socks. Gray striped trousers (the darkest you have). Morning coat and single-breasted black waistcoat. White dress shirt (see that cuffs show three-quarters of an inch below coat sleeves). Stand-up wing collar. Tie and gloves are enclosed. Boutonniere will be at the church. Be at the church yourself at three o'clock, sharp."

!THE HEAD USHER!

Usually there is no "head usher," but in certain localities courtesy designates the usher who is selected to take the bride's mother up the aisle as the "head," or "first" usher.

Very occasionally, too, a nervous groom appoints an especially "reliable" friend head usher so as to be sure that all details will be carried out--including the prompt and proper appearance at the church of the other ushers. Usually, the ushers divide the arrangements among themselves. The groom decides who goes on which aisle. One of them volunteers or is asked to look out for the bride's coming and to notify the groom, another is especially detailed to take the two mothers up the aisle. But very often this arrangement is arbitrarily decided by height. If one mother is very tall and the other very short, they generally go up with different ushers, the tallest being chosen for the taller lady, and one of medium height for the shorter.

!THE BRIDESMAIDS' LUNCHEON!

In many sections of America, especially in the country and in small towns, brides make an especial feature of asking their bridesmaids to a farewell luncheon. The table is elaborately decorated (invariably in pink with bridesmaids' roses), there is a bride's cake (lady cake) and there are favors in the cake, and mottoes, and altogether it is a "lovely party." In New York there is nothing like that at all. If the bride chooses to give a luncheon to her bridesmaids on whatever day suits her best, there is no objection to her doing so, or in fact, to her inviting whom she pleases to whatever sort of a party her mother is willing she should give. It is not a question of approved etiquette but of her own inclination seconded by the consent of her mother!

If her mother "keeps open house," probably they lunch with her many times before the wedding; if, on the other hand, it is not the habit of the family to have "people running in for meals," it is not necessary that she ask them to lunch at all. But whether they lunch often or never, the chances are that they are in and out of her house every day, looking at new presents as they come, perhaps helping her to write the descriptions in the gift book, and in arranging them in the room where they are to be displayed.

The bride usually goes to oversee the last fittings of the bridesmaids' dresses in order to be sure that they are as she wants them. This final trying-on should be arranged for several days at least before the wedding, so there may be sufficient time to make any alterations that are found necessary. Often the bride tries on her wedding dress at the same time so that she may see the effect of the whole wedding picture as it will be, or if she prefers, she tries on her dress at another hour alone.

Usually her bridesmaids lunch quite informally with her, or come in for tea, the day before the wedding, and on that day the bride gives them each "her present" which is always something to wear. It may be the m.u.f.fs they are to carry, or parasols, if they have been chosen instead of bouquets. The typical "bridesmaid's present" is a bangle, a breast pin, a hat pin, which, according to the means of the bride, may have great or scarcely any intrinsic value.

!BRIDESMAIDS AND USHERS' DINNER!

If a wedding is being held in the country, or where most of the bridesmaids or ushers come from a distance, and they are therefore stopping at the bride's house, or with her neighbors, there is naturally a "dinner" in order to provide for the visitors. But where the wedding is in the city--especially when all the members of the bridal party live there also--the custom of giving a dinner has gone rather out of fashion.

If the bridal party is asked to dine at the house of the bride on the evening before the wedding, it is usually with the purpose of gathering a generally irresponsible group of young people together, and seeing that they go to the church for rehearsal, which is of all things the most important. More often the rehearsal is in the afternoon, after which the young people go to the bride's house for tea, allowing her parents to have her to themselves on her last evening home, and giving her a chance to go early to bed so as to be as pretty as possible on the morrow.

!THE BACHELOR DINNER!

Popularly supposed to have been a frightful orgy, and now arid as the Sahara desert and quite as flat and dreary, the bachelor dinner was in truth more often than not, a sheep in wolf's clothing.

It is quite true that certain big clubs and restaurants had rooms especially constructed for the purpose, with walls of stone and nothing breakable within hitting distance, which certainly does rather suggest frightfulness. As a matter of fact, "an orgy" was never looked upon with favor by any but silly and wholly misguided youths, whose idea of a howling good time was to make a howling noise; chiefly by singing at the top of their lungs and--breaking crockery. A boisterous picture, but scarcely a vicious one! Especially as quant.i.ties of the cheapest gla.s.sware and crockery were always there for the purpose.

The breaking habit originated with drinking the bride's health and breaking the stem of the wine gla.s.s, so that it "might never serve a less honorable purpose." A perfectly high-minded sentiment! And this same time-honored custom is followed to this day. Toward the latter end of the dinner the groom rises, and holding a filled champagne gla.s.s aloft says: "To the bride!" Every man rises, drinks the toast standing, and then breaks the delicate stem of the gla.s.s. The impulse to break more gla.s.s is natural to youth, and probably still occurs. It is not hard to understand. The same impulse is seen at every county fair where enthusiastic youths (and men) delight in shooting, or throwing b.a.l.l.s, at clay pipes and ducks and--crockery!

Aside from toasting the bride and its gla.s.s-smashing result, the groom's farewell dinner is exactly like any other "man's dinner," the details depending upon the extravagance or the frugality of the host, and upon whether his particular friends are staid citizens of sober years or mere boys full of the exuberance of youth. Usually there is music of some sort, or "Neapolitans" or "c.o.o.ns" who sing, or two or three instrumental pieces, and the dinner party itself does the singing. Often the dinner is short and all go to the theater.

!GIFTS PRESENTED TO USHERS!

The groom's presents to his ushers are always put at their places at the bachelor dinner. Cuff links are the most popular gift; scarf-pins in localities where they are still fashionable. Silver or gold pencils, belt buckles, key-rings in gold, key-chains in silver, cigarette cases, bill-folders, card-cases, or other small and personal articles are suitable.

The present to the best man is approximately the same, or slightly handsomer than the gift to the ushers.

!THE REHEARSAL!

The bride always directs her wedding rehearsal, but never herself takes part in it, as it is supposed to be bad luck. Some one else--anyone who happens to be present--is appointed understudy.

Nearly always a few especial friends happen in, generally those who are primed with advice as to how everything should be done, but the opinion of the bride or the bride's mother is final.

!VITAL IMPORTANCE OF REHEARSAL!

Most of us are familiar with the wedding service, and its form seems simple enough. But, unless one has by experience learned to take care of seemingly non-existent details, the effect (although few may be able to say why) is. .h.i.tchy and disjointed, and all the effort spent in preparation is wasted. It is not that gauche happenings are serious offenses, no matter how awkward the incident. Even were the wedding party to get hopelessly entangled, no "crime" would have been committed; but any detail that destroys the smoothness of the general impression is fatal to dignity--and dignity is the qualification necessary above all else in ceremonial observances.

!HOW THE PROCESSION IS DRILLED!

The organist must always be at the rehearsal, as one of the most important details is marking the time of the wedding march. Witnesses of most weddings can scarcely imagine that a wedding march is a march at all; more often than not, the heads of ushers and bridesmaids bob up and down like something boiling in a pan. A perfectly drilled wedding procession, like a military one, should move forward in perfect step, rising and falling in a block or unit. To secure perfection of detail, the bars of the processional may be counted so that the music comes to an end at precisely the moment the bride and groom stand side by side at the chancel steps. This is not difficult; it merely takes time and attention.

A wedding rehearsal should proceed as follows: First of all, it is necessary to determine the exact speed at which the march is to be played. The ushers are asked to try it out. They line up at the door, walk forward two and two. The audience, consisting of the bride and her mother, and the bridesmaids, decides whether the pace "looks well." It must not be fast enough to look brisk, or so slow as to be funereal. At one wedding the ushers counted two beats as one and the pace was so slow that they all wabbled in trying to keep their balance. The painfulness to everyone may be imagined. On the other hand it is unsuitable to "trot" up the aisle of a church.

The "audience" having decided the speed, and the organist having noted the tempo, the entire procession, including the bridesmaids and a subst.i.tute, instead of the real bride, on her father's arm, go out into the vestibule and make their entry. Remember, the father is an important factor in the ceremony, and must take part in the rehearsal.

The procession is arranged according to height, the two shortest ushers leading--unless others of nearly the same height are found to be more accurate pacemakers. The bridesmaids come directly after the ushers, two and two, also according to height, the shortest in the lead. After the bridesmaids, the maid (or matron) of honor walks alone; flower girls come next (if there are any) and last of all, the understudy bride leaning on the arm of the father, with pages (if she has any) holding up her train. Each pair in the procession follows the two directly in front by four paces or beats of time. In the vestibule, every one in the procession must pay attention to the feet directly in front, the pacemakers can follow the army sergeant's example and say very softly "left, left!" At the end the bride counts eight beats before she and the father put "left foot" forward. The whole trick is starting; after that they just walk naturally to the beat of the music, but keeping the ones in front as nearly as possible at the same distance.

At the foot of the chancel, the ushers divide. In a small church, the first two go up the chancel steps and stand at the top; one on the right, the other on the left. The second two go to a step or two below the first. If there are more, they stand below again. Chalk marks can be made on the chancel floor if necessary, but it ought not to be difficult, except for very little children who are flower girls or pages, to learn their position.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Diagram of Church]

Or in a big church they go up farther, some of them lining the steps, or all of them in front of the choir stalls. The bridesmaids also divide, half on either side, and always stand in front of the ushers. The maid of honor's place is on the left at the foot of the steps, exactly opposite the best man. Flower girls and pages are put above or below the bridesmaids wherever it is thought "the picture" is best.

The grouping of the ushers and bridesmaids in the chancel or lining the steps also depends upon their number and the size of the church. In any event, the bridesmaids stand in front of the ushers; half of them on the right and half on the left. They never stand all on the bride's side, and the ushers on the groom's.

!ENTRANCE OF THE BRIDEGROOM!

The clergyman who is to perform the marriage comes into the chancel from the vestry. At a few paces behind him follows the groom, who in turn is followed by the best man. The groom stops at the foot of the chancel steps and takes his place at the right, as indicated in the accompanying diagram. His best man stands directly behind him. The ushers and bridesmaids always pa.s.s in front of him and take their places as noted above. When the bride approaches, the groom takes only a step to meet her.

A more effective greeting of the bride is possible if the door of the vestry opens into the chancel so that on following the clergyman, the groom finds himself at the top instead of the foot of the chancel steps. He goes forward to the right-hand side (his left), his best man behind him, and waits where he is until his bride approaches, when he goes down the steps to meet her--which is perhaps more gallant than to stand at the head of the aisle, and wait for her to join him.

The real bride watches carefully how the pseudo bride takes her left hand from her father's arm, shifts her fan, or whatever represents her bouquet, from her right hand to her left, and gives her right hand to the groom. In the proper maneuver the groom takes her right hand in his own right hand and draws it through his left arm, at the same time turning toward the chancel. If the service is undivided, and all of it is to be at the altar, this is necessary as the bride always goes up to the altar leaning on the arm of the groom.

If, however, the betrothal is to be read at the foot of the chancel (which is done at most weddings now) he may merely take her hand in his left one and stand as they are.

!THE ORGANIST'S CUE!

The organist stops at the moment the bride and groom have a.s.sumed their places. That is the cue to the organist as to the number of bars necessary for the procession. After the procession has practised "marching" two or three times, everything ought to be perfect. The organist, having counted up the necessary bars of music, can readily give the leading ushers their "music cue"--so that they can start on the measure that will allow the procession and the organ to end together. The organist can, and usually does, stop off short, but there is a better finish if the bride's giving her hand to the groom and taking the last step that brings her in front of the chancel is timed so as to fall precisely on the last bars of the processional.

No words of the service are ever rehea.r.s.ed, although all the "positions" to be taken are practised.

The pseudo bride takes the groom's left arm and goes slowly up the steps to the altar.

The best man follows behind and to the right of the groom, and the maid of honor (or "first" bridesmaid) leaves her companions and advances behind and to the left of the bride. The pseudo bride (in pantomime) gives her bouquet to the maid of honor; the best man (also in pantomime) hands the ring to the groom, this merely to see that they are at a convenient distance for the services they are to perform. The recessional is played, and the procession goes out in reversed order. Bride and groom first, then bridesmaids, then ushers, again all taking pains to fall into step with the leaders.

On no account must the bridesmaids walk either up or down the aisle with the ushers! Once in a while the maid of honor takes the arm of the best man and together they follow the bride and groom out of the church. But it gives the impression of a double wedding and spoils the picture.

!OBLIGATIONS OF THE BRIDEGROOM!

In order that the first days of their life together may be as perfect as possible, the groom must make preparations for the wedding trip long ahead of time, so that best accommodations can be reserved. If they are to stop first at a hotel in their own city, or one near by, he should go days or even weeks in advance and personally select the rooms. It is much better frankly to tell the proprietor, or room clerk, at the same time asking him to "keep the secret." Everyone takes a friendly interest in a bridal couple, and the chances are that the proprietor will try to reserve the prettiest rooms in the house, and give the best service.

If their first stop is to be at a distance, then he must engage train seats or boat stateroom, and write to the hotel of their destination far enough in advance to receive a written reply, so that he may be sure of the accommodations they will find.

!EXPENSE OF THE WEDDING TRIP!

Just as it is contrary to all laws of etiquette for the bride to accept any part of her trousseau or wedding reception from the groom, so it is unthinkable for the bride to defray the least fraction of the cost of the wedding journey, no matter though she have millions in her own right, and he be earning ten dollars a week. He must save up his ten dollars as long as necessary, and the trip can be as short as they like, but convention has no rule more rigid than that the wedding trip shall be a responsibility of the groom.

There are two modifications of this rule: a house may be put at their disposal by a member of her family, or, if she is a widow, they may go to one of her own, provided it is not one occupied by her with her late husband. It is also quite all right for them to go away in a motor belonging to her, but driven by him, and all garage expenses belong to him; or if her father or other member of the family offers the use of a yacht or private railway car, the groom may accept but he should remember that the incidental and unavoidable expense of such a "gift" is sometimes greater than the cost of railway tickets.

!BUYING THE WEDDING RING!

It is quite usual for the bride to go with the groom when he buys the wedding ring, the reason being that as it stays for life on her finger, she should be allowed to choose the width and weight she likes and the size she finds comfortable.

!THE GROOM'S PRESENT TO THE BRIDE!

He is a very exceptional and enviable man who is financially able to take his fiancee to the jeweler's and let her choose what she fancies. Usually the groom buys the handsomest ornament he can afford--a string of pearls if he has great wealth, or a diamond pendant, brooch or bracelet, or perhaps only the simplest bangle or charm--but whether it is of great or little worth, it must be something for her personal adornment.

!FURTHER OBLIGATIONS OF THE GROOM!

Gifts must be provided for his best man and ushers, as well as their ties, gloves and boutonnieres, a bouquet for his bride, and the fee for the clergyman, which may be a ten dollar gold piece or one or two new one hundred dollar bills, according to his wealth and the importance of the wedding. Whatever the amount, it is enclosed in an envelope and taken in charge by the best man who hands it to the clergyman in his vestry-room immediately after the ceremony.

CHAPTER XXII.

THE DAY OF THE WEDDING.

No one is busier than the best man on the day of the wedding. His official position is a cross between trained nurse, valet, general manager and keeper.

Bright and early in the morning he hurries to the house of the groom, generally before the latter is up. Very likely they breakfast together; in any event, he takes the groom in charge precisely as might a guardian. He takes note of his patient's general condition; if he is normal and "fit," so much the better. If he is "up in the air" or "nervous" the best man must bring him to earth and jolly him along as best he can.

!BEST MAN AS EXPRESSMAN!

His first actual duty is that of packer and expressman; he must see that everything necessary for the journey is packed, and that the groom does not absent-mindedly put the furnishings of his room in his valise and leave his belongings hanging in the closet. He must see that the clothes the groom is to "wear away" are put into a special bag to be taken to the house of the bride (where he, as well as she, must change from wedding into traveling clothes). The best man becomes expressman if the first stage of the wedding journey is to be to a hotel in town. He puts all the groom's luggage into his own car or a taxi, drives to the bride's house, carries the bag with the groom's traveling suit in it to the room set aside for his use--usually the dressing-room of the bride's father or the bedroom of her brother. He then collects, according to pre-arrangement, the luggage of the bride and drives with the entire equipment of both bride and groom to the hotel where rooms have already been engaged, sees it all into the rooms, and makes sure that everything is as it should be. If he is very thoughtful, he may himself put flowers about the rooms. He also registers for the newly-weds, takes the room key, returns to the house of the groom, gives him the key and a.s.sures him that everything at the hotel is in readiness. This maneuver allows the young couple when they arrive to go quietly to their rooms without attracting the notice of any one, as would be the case if they arrived with baggage and were conspicuously shown the way by a bell-boy whose manner unmistakably proclaims "Bride and Groom!"

Or, if they are going at once by boat or train, the best man takes the baggage to the station, checks the large pieces, and fees a porter to see that the hand luggage is put in the proper stateroom or parlor car chairs. If they are going by automobile, he takes the luggage out to the garage and personally sees that it is bestowed in the car.

!BEST MAN AS VALET!

His next duty is that of valet. He must see that the groom is dressed and ready early, and plaster him up if he cuts himself shaving. If he is wise in his day he even provides a small bottle of adrenaline for just such an accident, so that plaster is unnecessary and that the groom may be whole. He may need to find his collar b.u.t.ton or even to point out the "missing" clothes that are lying in full view. He must also be sure to ask for the wedding ring and the clergyman's fee, and put them in his own waistcoat pocket. A very careful best man carries a duplicate ring, in case of one being lost during the ceremony.