Epicoene; Or, The Silent Woman Part 5

DAUP: Like enough: prithee, let's have him up.

CLER: Boy, marshal him.

PAGE: With a truncheon, sir?

CLER: Away, I beseech you.

[EXIT PAGE.]

I'll make him tell us his pedegree, now; and what meat he has to dinner; and who are his guests; and the whole course of his fortunes: with a breath.

[ENTER SIR AMOROUS LA-FOOLE.]

LA-F: 'Save, dear sir Dauphine! honoured master Clerimont!

CLER: Sir Amorous! you have very much honested my lodging with your presence.

LA-F: Good faith, it is a fine lodging: almost as delicate a lodging as mine.

CLER: Not so, sir.

LA-F: Excuse me, sir, if it were in the Strand, I a.s.sure you. I am come, master Clerimont, to entreat you to wait upon two or three ladies, to dinner, to-day.

CLER: How, sir! wait upon them? did you ever see me carry dishes?

LA-F: No, sir, dispense with me; I meant, to bear them company.

CLER: O, that I will, sir: the doubtfulness of your phrase, believe it, sir, would breed you a quarrel once an hour, with the terrible boys, if you should but keep them fellowship a day.

LA-F: It should be extremely against my will, sir, if I contested with any man.

CLER: I believe it, sir; where hold you your feast?

LA-F: At Tom Otter's, sir.

PAGE: Tom Otter? what's he?

LA-F: Captain Otter, sir; he is a kind of gamester, but he has had command both by sea and by land.

PAGE: O, then he is animal amphibium?

LA-F: Ay, sir: his wife was the rich china-woman, that the courtiers visited so often; that gave the rare entertainment. She commands all at home.

CLER: Then she is captain Otter.

LA-F: You say very well, sir: she is my kinswoman, a La-Foole by the mother-side, and will invite any great ladies for my sake.

PAGE: Not of the La-Fooles of Ess.e.x?

LA-F: No, sir, the La-Fooles of London.

CLER: Now, he's in. [ASIDE.]

LA-F: They all come out of our house, the La-Fooles of the north, the La-Fooles of the west, the La-Fooles of the east and south--we are as ancient a family as any is in Europe--but I myself am descended lineally of the French La-Fooles--and, we do bear for our coat yellow, or or, checker'd azure, and gules, and some three or four colours more, which is a very noted coat, and has, sometimes, been solemnly worn by divers n.o.bility of our house--but let that go, antiquity is not respected now.--I had a brace of fat does sent me, gentlemen, and half a dozen of pheasants, a dozen or two of G.o.dwits, and some other fowl, which I would have eaten, while they are good, and in good company:--there will be a great lady, or two, my lady Haughty, my lady Centaure, mistress Dol Mavis--and they come o' purpose to see the silent gentlewoman, mistress Epicoene, that honest sir John Daw has promis'd to bring thither--and then, mistress Trusty, my lady's woman, will be there too, and this honourable knight, sir Dauphine, with yourself, master Clerimont--and we'll be very merry, and have fidlers, and dance.--I have been a mad wag in my time, and have spent some crowns since I was a page in court, to my lord Lofty, and after, my lady's gentleman-usher, who got me knighted in Ireland, since it pleased my elder brother to die.--I had as fair a gold jerkin on that day, as any worn in the island voyage, or at Cadiz, none dispraised; and I came over in it hither, shew'd myself to my friends in court, and after went down to my tenants in the country, and surveyed my lands, let new leases, took their money, spent it in the eye o' the land here, upon ladies:--and now I can take up at my pleasure.

DAUP: Can you take up ladies, sir?

CLER: O, let him breathe, he has not recover'd.

DAUP: Would I were your half in that commodity!

LA-F.: No, sir, excuse me: I meant money, which can take up any thing. I have another guest or two, to invite, and say as much to, gentlemen. I will take my leave abruptly, in hope you will not fail--Your servant.

[EXIT.]

DAUP: We will not fail you, sir precious La-Foole; but she shall, that your ladies come to see, if I have credit afore sir Daw.

CLER: Did you ever hear such a wind-sucker, as this?

DAUP: Or, such a rook as the other! that will betray his mistress to be seen! Come, 'tis time we prevented it.

CLER: Go.

[EXEUNT.]

ACT 2.

SCENE 2.1.

A ROOM IN MOROSE'S HOUSE.

ENTER MOROSE, WITH A TUBE IN HIS HAND, FOLLOWED BY MUTE.

MOR: Cannot I, yet, find out a more compendious method, than by this trunk, to save my servants the labour of speech, and mine ears the discord of sounds? Let me see: all discourses but my own afflict me, they seem harsh, impertinent, and irksome. Is it not possible, that thou should'st answer me by signs, and I apprehend thee, fellow? Speak not, though I question you. You have taken the ring off from the street door, as I bade you? answer me not by speech, but by silence; unless it be otherwise [MUTE MAKES A LEG.]

--very good. And you have fastened on a thick quilt, or flock-bed, on the outside of the door; that if they knock with their daggers, or with brick-bats, they can make no noise?--But with your leg, your answer, unless it be otherwise, [MUTE MAKES A LEG.]

--Very good. This is not only fit modesty in a servant, but good state and discretion in a master. And you have been with Cutbeard the barber, to have him come to me?

[MUTE MAKES A LEG.]

--Good. And, he will come presently? Answer me not but with your leg, unless it be otherwise: if it be otherwise, shake your head, or shrug.

[MUTE MAKES A LEG.]

--So! Your Italian and Spaniard are wise in these: and it is a frugal and comely gravity. How long will it be ere Cutbeard come?

Stay, if an hour, hold up your whole hand, if half an hour, two fingers; if a quarter, one; [MUTE HOLDS UP A FINGER BENT.]

--Good: half a quarter? 'tis well. And have you given him a key, to come in without knocking?

[MUTE MAKES A LEG.]

--good. And is the lock oil'd, and the hinges, to-day?

[MUTE MAKES A LEG.]

--good. And the quilting of the stairs no where worn out, and bare?

[MUTE MAKES A LEG.]