Epicoene; Or, The Silent Woman Part 30

LA-F: Why, if he do, we'll fetch them home again, I warrant you.

[EXIT WITH DAW. CLER. WALKS ASIDE.]

[ENTER DAUPHINE AND HAUGHTY.]

HAU: I a.s.sure you, sir Dauphine, it is the price and estimation of your virtue only, that hath embark'd me to this adventure; and I could not but make out to tell you so; nor can I repent me of the act, since it is always an argument of some virtue in our selves, that we love and affect it so in others.

DAUP: Your ladyship sets too high a price on my weakness.

HAU: Sir, I can distinguish gems from pebbles--

DAUP [ASIDE.]: Are you so skilful in stones?

HAU: And howsover I may suffer in such a judgment as yours, by admitting equality of rank or society with Centaure or Mavis--

DAUP: You do not, madam; I perceive they are your mere foils.

HAU: Then, are you a friend to truth, sir; it makes me love you the more. It is not the outward, but the inward man that I affect.

They are not apprehensive of an eminent perfection, but love flat, and dully.

CEN [within.]: Where are you, my lady Haughty?

HAU: I come presently, Centaure.--My chamber, sir, my page shall shew you; and Trusty, my woman, shall be ever awake for you: you need not fear to communicate any thing with her, for she is a Fidelia. I pray you wear this jewel for my sake, sir Dauphine.-- [ENTER CENTAURE.]

Where is Mavis, Centaure?

CEN: Within, madam, a writing. I'll follow you presently: [EXIT HAU.]

I'll but speak a word with sir Dauphine.

DAUP: With me, madam?

CEN: Good sir Dauphine, do not trust Haughty, nor make any credit to her, whatever you do besides. Sir Dauphine, I give you this caution, she is a perfect courtier, and loves n.o.body but for her uses: and for her uses she loves all. Besides, her physicians give her out to be none o' the clearest, whether she pay them or no, heaven knows: and she's above fifty too, and pargets! See her in a forenoon. Here comes Mavis, a worse face then she! you would not like this, by candle-light.

[RE-ENTER MAVIS.]

If you'll come to my chamber one o' these mornings early, or late in an evening, I will tell you more. Where's Haughty, Mavis?

MAV: Within, Centaure.

CEN: What have you, there?

MAV: An Italian riddle for sir Dauphine,--you shall not see it i'faith, Centaure.-- [EXIT CEN.]

Good sir Dauphine, solve it for me. I'll call for it anon.

[EXIT.]

CLER [COMING FORWARD.]: How now, Dauphine! how dost thou quit thyself of these females?

DAUP: 'Slight, they haunt me like fairies, and give me jewels here; I cannot be rid of them.

CLER: O, you must not tell though.

DAUP: Ma.s.s, I forgot that: I was never so a.s.saulted. One loves for virtue, and bribes me with this; [SHEWS THE JEWEL.]

--another loves me with caution, and so would possess me; a third brings me a riddle here: and all are jealous: and rail each at other.

CLER: A riddle! pray let me see it.

[READS.]

Sir Dauphine, I chose this way of intimation for privacy. The ladies here, I know, have both hope and purpose to make a collegiate and servant of you. If I might be so honoured, as to appear at any end of so n.o.ble a work, I would enter into a fame of taking physic to-morrow, and continue it four or five days, or longer, for your visitation. Mavis.

By my faith, a subtle one! Call you this a riddle? what's their plain dealing, trow?

DAUP: We lack Truewit to tell us that.

CLER: We lack him for somewhat else too: his knights reformadoes are wound up as high and insolent as ever they were.

DAUP: You jest.

CLER: No drunkards, either with wine or vanity, ever confess'd such stories of themselves. I would not give a fly's leg, in balance against all the womens' reputations here, if they could be but thought to speak truth: and for the bride, they have made their affidavit against her directly--

DAUP: What, that they have lain with her?

CLER: Yes; and tell times and circ.u.mstances, with the cause why, and the place where. I had almost brought them to affirm that they had done it to-day.

DAUP: Not both of them?

CLER: Yes, faith: with a sooth or two more I had effected it.

They would have set it down under their hands.

DAUP: Why, they will be our sport, I see, still, whether we will or no.

[ENTER TRUEWIT.]

TRUE: O, are you here? Come, Dauphine; go call your uncle presently: I have fitted my divine, and my canonist, dyed their beards and all. The knaves do not know themselves, they are so exalted and altered. Preferment changes any man. Thou shalt keep one door and I another, and then Clerimont in the midst, that he may have no means of escape from their cavilling, when they grow hot once again. And then the women, as I have given the bride her instructions, to break in upon him in the l'enuoy. O, 'twill be full and tw.a.n.ging! Away! fetch him.

[EXIT DAUPHINE.]

[ENTER OTTER DISGUISED AS A DIVINE, AND CUTBEARD AS A CANON LAWYER.]

Come, master doctor, and master parson, look to your parts now, and discharge them bravely: you are well set forth, perform it as well. If you chance to be out, do not confess it with standing still, or humming, or gaping one at another: but go on, and talk aloud and eagerly; use vehement action, and only remember your terms, and you are safe. Let the matter go where it will: you have many will do so. But at first be very solemn, and grave like your garments, though you loose your selves after, and skip out like a brace of jugglers on a table. Here he comes: set your faces, and look superciliously, while I present you.

[RE-ENTER DAUPHINE WITH MOROSE.]

MOR: Are these the two learned men?

TRUE: Yes, sir; please you salute them.

MOR: Salute them! I had rather do any thing, than wear out time so unfruitfully, sir. I wonder how these common forms, as G.o.d save you, and You are welcome, are come to be a habit in our lives: or, I am glad to see you! when I cannot see what the profit can be of these words, so long as it is no whit better with him whose affairs are sad and grievous, that he hears this salutation.

TRUE: 'Tis true, sir; we'll go to the matter then.--Gentlemen, master doctor, and master parson, I have acquainted you sufficiently with the business for which you are come hither; and you are not now to inform yourselves in the state of the question, I know. This is the gentleman who expects your resolution, and therefore, when you please, begin.

OTT: Please you, master doctor.

CUT: Please you, good master parson.

OTT: I would hear the canon-law speak first.