Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 3

MRS. COTTER Because the cold o' the rain is there. I wouldn't make any delay but go home immediately. You might get a wettin'.

HEAD (_feeling his tunic_) This wouldn't leave in a drop o' rain in a hundred years, ma'am.

[_Knock at door_.

MRS. COTTER Who's there?

VOICE Police!

HEAD Police, did I hear?

MRS. COTTER 'Tis the Sergeant's voice.

HEAD Glory to be G.o.d! I'm ruined! If he finds the smell o'

whiskey from me, he'll tell the Inspector, an' then Head Constable Mulligan is no more!

MRS. COTTER Is he as bad as that?

HEAD He has no conscience at all. He's a friend o' the Inspector's. (_Knocking continues at door_) Don't open that door till I tell you--that's if you don't want to find a corpse on the floor.

MRS. COTTER Sure, I must open the door.

HEAD Time enough. He's paid for waitin'. Have you such a thing as an onion in the house?

MRS. COTTER I didn't see an onion for the last three weeks.

HEAD (_scratching his head_) What the blazes will I do? (_Looking towards coal hole_) Whist! I'm saved. I'll go in here until he's gone.

(_Goes in and puts out his head_) You can open now, but get rid of him as soon as you can.

[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. Enter the Sergeant_.

SERGEANT So you opened at last. Well, better late than never!

MRS. COTTER I'm sorry for keepin' you waitin', Sergeant. I don't open the door for any one on Sunday nights, an' whin you said "Police," I thought it was one o' the boys tryin' to desaive me.

SERGEANT I see! I see! There's a lot o' desaitful people in the town, ma'am.

MRS. COTTER There are, Sergeant.

SERGEANT There are indeed. (_Coughs_) I'm sick an' tired o' the place altogether.

MRS. COTTER I thought it agreed with you. You're lookin' very well, anyway.

SERGEANT I'm not feelin' well at all thin. (_Coughs_) There's nothin' more deceptive than looks at times. (_Coughs_)

MRS. COTTER True.

SERGEANT 'Tis in me bed I should be instead of troublin' dacent people like yourself a night like this. (_Coughs_) But duty is duty, an' it must be done. If I didn't do what I'm told, that bla'gard of a Head Constable would soon have another an' maybe a worse man in my place.

MRS. COTTER The Lord save us!

SERGEANT But as herself says: There's no use in the Government makin' laws if the people don't keep them.

MRS. COTTER That's so.

SERGEANT Keepin' the world in order is no aisy business, ma'am.

MRS. COTTER 'Tis a great responsibility.

SERGEANT (_drawing a chair to the fire and sitting down_) 'Pon me word I'm tired an' cold too.

MRS. COTTER Wouldn't ye go home and go to bed, Sergeant?

SERGEANT If I went to bed at this hour, the Head would send a report to his chum the Inspector, statin' that I was drunk. (_Coughs_)

MRS. COTTER That's a bad cough. How long is it troublin' ye?

SERGEANT Only since supper time. I was eatin' a bit o' cold meat, an' a bone or somethin' stuck there. (_Points at his throat_)

MRS. COTTER An' what did ye do for it?

SERGEANT What could I do for it?

MRS. COTTER Ye could take a drink o' somethin' an' wash it down.

SERGEANT I tried some cold tea. (_Coughs_)

MRS. COTTER I wonder would a bottle of stout do any good.

SERGEANT 'Twould be no harm to try.

MRS. COTTER Will ye have a bottle?

SERGEANT To tell ye the truth, I don't like bein' disobligin', ma'am. (_Coughs_)

[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away, he walks up and down, whistling the while_.

MRS. COTTER (_at door_) Ye might as well come up-stairs, Sergeant. There's a fine fire in the sitting-room.

SERGEANT I'm first rate where I am. Thank you all the same.

[_Takes stout and finishes it without withdrawing it from his mouth. Coughs_.

MRS. COTTER How do you feel now?

SERGEANT (_wiping his mouth with a large old handkerchief_) 'Tis gone! I mean the bone. I feel meself again.

MRS. COTTER I'm glad of that. (_Looking at clock_) 'Tis gone half-past ten, Sergeant.