Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 20

RETRIBUTION

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

_Scene: Bedroom in a country lodging house. There is one narrow bed and two chairs in the room, and a picture of Robert Emmet hangs on the wall. Patcha Cremin is lying in bed with his head covered. A loud knocking is heard at the door_.

PATCHA (_startled, uncovers his head and looks about him.

The knocking continues_) Who's there? (_Thinking for a moment that he is at home and that his wife is calling_) Oh, is that you, Ellie?

MRS. FENNESSEY (_from without_) It is not Ellie, then.

PATCHA (_not yet properly awake_) And who is it?

MRS. FENNESSEY 'Tis me.

PATCHA (_angrily_) And who the blazes are you?

MRS. FENNESSEY Mrs. Fennessey, your landlady.

PATCHA Oh, yes! Of course, Mrs. Fennessey, excuse me, ma'am. I thought I was at home and that my wife was callin' me to get up to go to work.

MRS. FENNESSEY Are you in bed yet?

PATCHA I am, ma'am.

MRS. FENNESSEY When are you going to get up?

PATCHA Why?

MRS. FENNESSEY I want to say a few words to you.

PATCHA I'm not feelin' too well, at all, to-day, and don't know when I'll be able to get up, ma'am.

MRS. FENNESSEY Don't you, indeed?

PATCHA No, I don't, ma'am.

MRS. FENNESSEY Well then, if you're in bed and covered up, may I come in?

PATCHA (_draws the clothes about him_) You can, ma'am.

MRS. FENNESSEY (_enters, stands in front of the bed and looks at Patcha_) And might I ask what's the matter with you?

PATCHA Oh, I don't exactly know, at all. I have a queer shaky feelin' runnin' down the spine and all over me. It must be the 'fluenza or maybe appendicitis, I'm thinkin'.

MRS. FENNESSEY Well, if that's the case, you'll get up this very instant and clear out of my house, for I don't want a sick man on my hands. And you that didn't pay me a farthin' of rent for this last six weeks.

PATCHA Didn't I promise to pay you a week over and above when I'd get a job? And this is the grat.i.tute you're showin' me now for my kindness.

MRS. FENNESSEY What a lot of good your promises would do for any one. I want my rent, and you can keep your promises.

PATCHA Is it the way you'd be after turnin' a sick man from your door a cold freezin' day like this? And the snow thirty inches thick on the Galtee Mountains, and the air itself nearly frozen hard.

MRS. FENNESSEY 'Tis you're the nice sick man, indeed, with muscles on you like a statue or a prize fighter, and an appet.i.te like an elephant. G.o.d knows then, you should be ashamed of yourself for nearly eating me out of house and home, and I a poor widow dependin' on the likes of you for a livin.' 'Tis I that wouldn't like to be the mother of a man such as yourself, G.o.d forgive you!

PATCHA I'm surprised at a dacent woman like you, Mrs. Fennessey, to stand there abusin' me for my misfortune instead of bringin' me up a good warm breakfast to nourish my wastin' frame, and encourage the good spirits to come back to my heart.

MRS. FENNESSEY I'm sick and tired of listenin' to you and your excuses, but I'm not goin' to listen to them any longer. So pack up and get out, or if you don't I'll get my brother Mike to fling you out, and believe me he won't take long to do it, either.

PATCHA You're losin' all your dacency, Mrs. Fennessey.

MRS. FENNESSEY Thank G.o.d for it, if I am then! But I'm gettin' back my good sense, and I won't talk or argue any more with you.

PATCHA You should feel ashamed of yourself, Mrs. Fennessey.

MRS. FENNESSEY Indeed then, I should, for puttin' up with the likes of you. You've got to be out of this house before twelve o'clock to-morrow and remember I mean what I say.

[_She walks out and slams the door. Patcha sits up in bed, rearranges the bedclothes, then places his hand under his chin, and wrinkles his brow. Remains that way until he is disturbed by a knock at the door_

MRS. FENNESSEY (_opens, and holds the door ajar_) There's a gentleman wants to see you.

PATCHA Who is he? What is he like, and where does he come from?

MRS. FENNESSEY How do I know where he comes from? He wanted to know if Napoleon lived here and I told him there was no one livin' here at present but one Patcha Cremin.

Sure, that's who I mean, says he. Are you Napoleon?

PATCHA Yes, I'm Napoleon.

MRS. FENNESSEY Glory be to the Lord! What a purty name they got for you!

PATCHA Did he say who he was?

MRS. FENNESSEY He said he was an old friend of yours.

PATCHA I wonder can it be the Duke of Wellington? Dannux Touhy, I mean.

MRS. FENNESSEY Touhy! Touhy! That's the name. Will I send him up?

PATCHA Do if you please, ma'am.

[_Mrs. Fennessey leaves the room, and in a short time Dannux Touhy enters._

DANNUX (_as he shakes hands with Patcha_) Well, well! 'Tis real glad that I am to see you. Sure I didn't expect to find my old friend Napoleon in the town of Ballinflask this blessed day. And I've heard that Boulanger is here also. Is that so?

PATCHA It is so, then. And he'll be as surprised as myself to find the Duke of Wellington here before him when he arrives.