Duplicity. Part 22

She stopped again and spun around to face me. Her eyes were red and tears trailed down her cheeks. "Fin, please leave. It's over. Okay? We didn't work. I get it. I wish you and your folks all the best in your newly re-established relationship. I'm glad you worked it out and you got your d.a.m.n job back in the family firm, okay? I have to admit to being very surprised at that part but..." Huh? She held her hand up and a cab stopped. She quickly opened the door and climbed in. "I wish you all well, Fin. I really do." And with her parting words, the cab whisked her away.

"Star! What do you mean? Star!"

Star I closed the door to my apartment, leaned against it, and slid down until I hit the floor with my a.s.s. What the h.e.l.l was he thinking? Why would he come here? To rub salt in my wounds? Was he some sick kind of d.i.c.khead that got pleasure out of hurting his ex-girlfriends?

b.a.s.t.a.r.d.

I'd been doing okay. Well, maybe okay was pushing it a little. Maybe a little too optimistic, but I'd been getting by. And then he had to show up in New York and knock me back to square one. Why? I just didn't get it.

I leaned my head on my knees and sobbed. My heart ached with a kind of homesickness I had never experienced before. And the awful fact was that I wasn't homesick for my parents' home. I was homesick for Edinburgh. I missed Alec. Missed the fun we had at DeBas.e.m.e.nt. Missed the Scott Monument, the castle. The trams. Princes Street Gardens. I missed every little thing about it.

After everything Fin said in his letter, and after he worked things out with his folks, why would he show up here? Why was he willing to go against their wishes so soon? Was he missing the rebellious streak he discovered in his temporary relationship with me? Was he bored with the money and prestige again already? The question rolled around in my mind. But the fact was, I wasn't willing to be an exciting distraction for him again. I deserved someone who loved me for me. But then again, what if he'd realised he'd made a mistake in losing me? This whole thing was driving me insane. And tough s.h.i.t. He had lost me. Nothing could change how small and insignificant he had made me feel simply by telling his father he loved him too. That simple phrase, whilst it should have meant something wonderful, actually meant I had been easily cast aside and it was s.h.i.tty that Fin had found a conscience after hurting me so much, but that was his problem. And that d.a.m.n letter, urgh! I couldn't afford to let hope spring to life inside me. How could I trust him again, even if he had realised it was me he wanted after all?

My head began to throb, and I had the urge to call Alec. It would be seven o'clock in Edinburgh, and Alec would no doubt be in the shower or out for a run. But on the off chance I would catch him, I dragged myself up from the floor and grabbed my cell.

"Twinkle! How are you, babes?" Hearing Alec's voice was my undoing once again, and I began to sob uncontrollably.

Fin Home.

Not where I had hoped nor expected to be so soon after my trip to New York.

Sadly, it had turned out that Star had no intention of listening to me, and so I had admitted defeat and returned to Edinburgh the following day, complete with my broken heart. The callous letter she'd sent really had marked the end.

So much time had pa.s.sed, and I was still walking around in a dumbstruck trance. Another Sunday rolled around, and I decided to get some much-needed fresh November air. After walking absentmindedly for what seemed like hours, I found myself in Calton Old Burial Ground. I glanced around in a bewildered daze, unable to remember how I'd ended up there of all places, and the first flurry of a snow shower began to dance around me. It wasn't going to last, but I smiled as I imagined Star standing there with me, head back, tongue out, allowing snowflakes to settle and melt on her tongue. She would no doubt have loved Edinburgh in the winter.

For me, everywhere was a little duller. A little less vibrant. Star brightened everything. Brought everything to life. Her colourful character and happy nature had, for a short time, made everything seem wonderful.

She had changed me. I had temporarily become a happier, more colourful, more adventurous person. The newest feature to my skin had been a part of the memory I had of what true happiness felt like.

But the absence of her from my life now had turned a once multi-hued palette into monotonous grey and brown.

After my trip, I had cut short my so-called vacation, figuring that work was what I needed. But since my return, Alasdair had made regular appearances in my office under the guise that he needed information on some case or other. I knew he was checking up on me and my emotional state. It was great knowing he cared. It was more than my father had bothered to do. And the offer of a.s.sistance with the Inveresk cottages had turned out to be a pile of bulls.h.i.t. Alasdair had informed me on my first day back that he had been considering the case in detail, and it was tightly sealed and free of any supposed loophole. Campbell had blatantly lied to me in the hopes that he could steal me back from McKendrick. No doubt with a view to fire me once again if I returned to the family company. His way of teaching me a valuable lesson.

My mother had made several attempts to contact me, but I refused to give her any response. I had resolved with myself the fact that my parents were toxic. And as awful as it was to admit that about one's own flesh and blood, it was the truth. I couldn't understand her tenacity, however. But the calls continued, and I continued to ignore them.

Luckily, Alasdair had thrown me right in at the deep end with another small fish takes on big fish case, and I was chin deep in files and research. I had a cold cup of coffee on my desk and a half-eaten BLT that Fiona had insisted on getting for me.

The intercom on my desk buzzed, and I reached out to hit the b.u.t.ton. "Yes, Fiona?"

"I'm so sorry, Fin. I couldn't stop her. She said it was vital that she saw you and-"

My office door burst open and in stalked my mother.

She stood there, a picture of manicured perfection, as she demanded, "Finlay, why are you ignoring my calls?"

I scowled at her. "Come in, why don't you, Mother dear?"

"Answer me, Finlay. You were brought up with more respect than to ignore your mother."

I leaned back in my chair and regarded her with disdain. "But we all know respect must be earned, Mum."

She stepped forward and sat down in the leather chair facing my desk. "Stop being so obnoxious, Finlay. Now, tell me why you won't speak to me."

I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face. I wasn't in the mood for Isobel Hunter drama. "Seriously? You really need to ask me that after what you did to me and Star?"

She blanched and her eyes widened. "How did you find out?"

I scrunched my brow. "What do you mean how did I find out? I was present at the time, for G.o.d's sake. I was there when you and Dad made her feel about two inches tall at the charity event, remember?"

She heaved a sigh. "Oh. Oh, that. Oh, yes, well, water under the bridge and all that." She reached into her oversized designer handbag and pulled out her compact, flicked it open, and peered at her reflection.

Confusion washed over me anew. "Hang on. What did you mean when you asked how I found out? Found out about what?"

She snapped the compact shut and pursed her lips. "Oh, come on, Finlay. It isn't all about you, darling. Have you considered what this whole situation is doing to your poor father? He's been ill, you know."

"Whoa. No, you're not changing the subject, Mum. What did you mean?"

A fake sob escaped her throat and she reached into her bag again to pull out a hanky. "Just know that we want what's best for you. And anything that's happened has been because we have your best interests at heart and we love you." She dabbed at her non-existent tears.

My heart began to thud in my chest, and I clenched my jaw. "I'll ask you once more, and I expect an honest answer. For once in your life, Isobel, do something selfless, please. What did you do?"

The calmness in her voice was a total contrast to the anxiety and anger building rapidly inside of me. She waved her hanky. "Oh, nothing. It was just a letter."

My stomach clenched. "What letter?"

She smiled as if remembering a happy incident. "Well, two letters actually. One to each of you. Just to make sure you made the right decision."

"What. Letters. Mother?"

Her lip began to tremble in that Oscar-winning actress manner again. "One to Star to let her know you were back in your rightful place with the family firm, and one to you to let you know Star was moving on."

I slammed my fists on the desk, and Isobel almost jumped out of her skin. "You b.i.t.c.h!" I stood and slammed my fists down again, the thud vibrating through the wood. "You evil b.i.t.c.h! You're supposed to be my mother. You're supposed to care about me!"

She stood and wrung her hands in front of her. "I do care, Finlay. I just wanted what was right for you. And she wasn't right for you. I mean, come on. Pink hair and tattoos? What kind of impression did it give to-"

"That's just it. I don't give a s.h.i.t about anyone else's thoughts on my relationship with Star, Isobel. I loved her. I love her. And you...you ruined it with your lies. You've made her think I don't f.u.c.king love her!" I shouted at the top of my voice. My lungs began to burn as I fought to pull air in. My heart wanted out of the whole f.u.c.king sorry mess, and it was almost breaking free of my ribs.

Alasdair and Fiona appeared in the doorway. "What the h.e.l.l are you doing here, Isobel?" Alasdair demanded.

I jabbed a finger in Isobel's direction. "It was her. She wrote the letter pretending it was from Star. And she wrote one to Star, too. It was her." I glowered at the woman who'd given birth to me as Alasdair gaped at her too, disbelief plastered on his ageing features.

Alasdair stepped aside and gestured at the gap he had created. "I think you should leave, Isobel."

She pleaded at me with watering eyes. "You may not believe me, Finlay, but we do love you. We just want to put the family first as a unit. Your relationship with that...that..." She closed her eyes briefly, allowing tears to spill down her perfectly made-up cheeks. "With Star made a mockery of us all and everything we have built."

I inhaled a wavering, unsettled breath. "There is a saying about judging books by their covers, Mother. But let me tell you that if it was a choice between someone manicured and 'perfect' on the outside but as ugly as you on the inside, I would choose someone like Star every d.a.m.n time. But do you know what? I think she's the most stunning, beautiful, s.e.xy woman I have ever met. And I love her with every ounce of my being. Now, I think Alasdair is right. You should leave. And please don't bother to contact me again. As far as I'm concerned, the only mother I ever really had was Hetty. And as for a father, I never had one. And that's fine with me."

She sobbed dramatically as I slumped into my chair, spent from my verbal onslaught. Without saying another word, she stormed out of the office and out of my life.

For good.

Fin I sat across from Alec in the empty coffee shop. It was after closing time, and I was still nursing the same latte he had given me an hour before.

Alec huffed out a long breath. "I just can't believe a mother could be so d.a.m.n cruel, Fin. I mean...why?"

I shrugged, just as disbelieving as he was. "Beats me. I...I don't know what to do. I can't just get on a plane again and expect Star to be happy to see me just because it turned out the letter wasn't even from me. Let's face it, she still thinks I betrayed her at the charity event. And that part is my fault. Because that's exactly how it looked to her."

"Yes, she does still think that. But if you explain. If you tell her what happened after she'd gone."

I shook my head. "I tried that before. I left voicemails. I sent text messages. I turned up at your apartment, if you remember? I don't think it'll make a difference. I ruined it all, Alec." My throat tightened and a stinging sensation needled at my eyes. "Next time you speak to her, could you just tell her I never stopped loving her? She'll listen if the message comes from you. Just tell her I'm so sorry I hurt her. And that I know Isobel's letters were meant to cause damage, but the last thing I ever wanted was for Star to be hurt. Or for her to be dragged into the h.e.l.l that is my f.u.c.king stupid family. Could you tell her that for me? Please?" I swiped away a trail of moisture that had begun to make its way down my face.

Alec reached across the table and squeezed my forearm. "I still think you could get her back, Fin. She still loves you."

I shrugged and laughed without an ounce of humour. "Loved me. Past tense. I think I just need to let her go. Let her be happy. And if that means she moves on then so be it. She deserves to be happy, Alec." My voice broke and my lip trembled.

What a fool.

Alec patted my arm. "Well, of course I'll tell her. But you could always contact her yourself."

I shook my head again. "I can't. After everything that's happened, I just can't. I want to. Believe me, I do. But, to be honest, I see now that she deserves so much better." I pushed my chair away from the table and placed my cup down. "I should go. We're rehearsing tonight. Got a gig tomorrow."

He stood too. "Oh, right. Great. Where?"

"We're playing Sneaky Pete's in the city."

He patted my back. "Okay, well I might bring some of the guys down."

"Great. See you there maybe. And...thanks for not telling me to f.u.c.k off, eh?"

He smiled sadly. The pity in his eyes almost pushed me over the edge again, and I fought my emotions to keep them in check.

I wrote to Hetty and told her everything. All the sordid details of my mother and father's betrayal. How they had treated me like a commodity. Like something with as little soul as themselves. I told Hetty she was the closest thing to a mother I'd ever had-that I loved her and wished she had been my birth mother instead of the callous, b.l.o.o.d.y-minded, self-centred monster who had brought me into the world and then tossed me aside.

It had been a cathartic letter to write, but the resulting phone call from Hetty had almost broken my heart. She had sobbed down the phone line and told me she loved me dearly. That she was so proud of the man I had become and that I had finally taken a stand. She said she had longed to leave their employ for so long, but she couldn't bear the thought of leaving me there. She knew my brother was made of tougher stuff as a kid, she said, and that watching my eyes fill with disappointment every time my father belittled one of my achievements made her stand fast in a job she hated. She told me she would one day show up at a gig to surprise me, and I loved her so much for that, even though I guessed she never would.

She had apologised over and over for things that hadn't been her fault, and I had spent time telling her that all she had ever done was help me. That if it hadn't been for her, I would never have picked up a hairbrush to sing into, never mind a real mic. That I owed her so much. All the words I should have said a long time ago. But at least I said them. Better late than never, I suppose.

The band had been awesome since I got back from New York. They were good mates, offering an ear if I needed it or a p.i.s.s up if I needed that more.

Sneaky Pete's didn't look like much from the outside. It certainly didn't look like one of Edinburgh's most popular live music venues. In fact, it resembled an abandoned shop by day, and most people would, no doubt, walk right by it without a second glance. Close to a beautiful stone archway on Cowgate and some of the most beautiful architecture Edinburgh had to offer, it was the most una.s.suming venue ever. And that's exactly why I loved it.

On the night of our gig, I arrived at the venue along with the rest of Hydde at around ten o'clock. The club was due to open at eleven, so we had a good hour to get set up. Our original material was coming along nicely, and we were excited to be sharing it at the newest venue in our portfolio.

We carried the gear into the club and set up like the well-organised team we'd become. Music was a huge part of my life, and it was a great distraction. I knew that once I was up on that stage and my alter ego took over, I could forget about all the s.h.i.t that had happened in my life and just become a whole other person. Fin the 'rock G.o.d'. The thought made me smile and shake my head. It was what Star had called me. Fin the rock G.o.d. Who would ever have thought that the clean cut, pretty-boy, reluctant law student would one day be a s.h.a.ggy-haired, bearded guy who stomped around a stage every weekend, screeching out rock and indie songs at the top of his lungs? Certainly not me.

I was standing inside the small venue and admiring the graffiti style artwork on the walls as a sense of pride washed over me when I recalled Hetty's words. I was there to sing. With a live band. And it was thanks to Hetty and Star that I had taken the steps to become who I was in that moment. Two important women who had no idea how much they had affected me. I loved them both so much for it.

Midnight. The club was buzzing, and my anxiety had ratcheted up ten notches. I was pacing up and down at the back of the club while the other guys laughed and joked with their wives and girlfriends. Thankfully, I was too terrified to be filled with envy as I chewed on my nails and watched them enjoying the company of the women in their lives.

Time ticked by all too slowly and much too fast simultaneously. I ducked into the men's room to check my appearance. My faded old grey jeans that were ripped at the knee were just too comfy to throw out. They were a far cry from the Hugo Boss suit I wore for the office. The Sonic Idols T-shirt I wore was my favourite, even though it had shrunk a little thanks to user error with the washing machine. It was tight but, thankfully, not cropped.

The door was flung open and Nate poked his head around. "Hey, pal. We're up."

"Be right there." The door closed again, and I was left with nothing but the thudding coming from the club and my heart.

I stepped out into the throngs of people in the club and pushed through the crowd in what felt like slow motion, making my way to the stage. I jumped up as t.i.tch hit his sticks together and the intro to "I Nearly Lost You" kicked in. Nate bounced around the stage as he strummed his guitar to the track made famous by The Screaming Trees in the 1990s.

My mask descended, and once more I became Fin Hunter the lead singer of Hydde.

The crowd jumped up and down in time with the beat, and I strutted around the stage, letting myself go. My inhibitions melted away along with every worry that had plagued me in the last couple of months. But as I stared out at the audience of people dancing and flailing wildly, I was. .h.i.t with a pang of sadness. Star loved this song. And I had lost her.

Dragging myself from the edge of a pit of melancholy before I fell into the abyss, I began to jump around as I sang. The crowd loved it. And for a short while, so did I.

Fin I stooped to gulp from my gla.s.s of water and swipe the T-shirt from my body. A raucous cheer erupted around the room, and I chuckled at the reaction. I decided I needed to start bringing a towel on stage so I could stay fully clothed up there. I wiped the shirt around my damp face, and for a laugh, I threw the sweat-sodden item out into the crowd of women who had gathered at the front of the stage. They went wild, and when I turned to glance around at the band, some of them were bent double, laughing hysterically. Nate was shaking his head with a huge grin on his face.

I turned back to the crowd and took a deep breath. "This next one has a special place in my heart. I won't bore you with the gory details, but let's just say my life has been pretty f.u.c.ked up this year. But thanks to these guys, I think I'm back on track." I gestured to the band and the crowd cheered. "This next song reminds of an American girl who stole my heart." I paused as images of that beautiful American girl sprang into my mind, and a twinge of sadness tugged at me. "It's funny how you can live in a place your whole life and not even see it. I mean really see it. But this special person helped me to see this city in a whole new light, and I've a new-found love and respect for it. So I want to dedicate this to her and thank her for encouraging me to be the man I am today." Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and shouted, "For you, Star! Because wherever you may be in this world today, I know your heart will always be in Edinburgh. Snow Patrol's 'Take Back the City'!"

Once more, the crowd cheered, and as the song started, the bouncing began again in earnest. The energy in the room lifted me and carried me away somewhere entirely different. For a few minutes, I was playing the O2 Arena instead of a little backstreet venue in Edinburgh. And as I sang and heard the audience's loud voices joining with mine, a grin spread across my face.

I scanned the crowd of happy, smiling faces, and everything clicked into place. This was me. This was who I was. As I peered out beyond the spotlight, I caught sight of a shock of the most vivid red hair. I held the mic out to the people dancing at the front, but my eyes didn't leave that one woman, dancing with her arms in the air. I couldn't see her face, thanks to the huge burly bloke in front of her. Her hair was shoulder length and choppy, but I would have known those tattoos anywhere.

The guy stepped sideways, and my heart almost stuttered to a halt. Her face lifted with perfect timing, and her gaze connected with mine. A stunning smile stretched her ruby red lips as she began to walk toward me.

Star As I stood there in the crowded club, my mind drifted back to the conversation I'd had the day before, when Alec had called to fill me in on the whole letter debacle.

"So, she sent one to Fin too? Pretending it was from me?"

"Yep. Told him to move on because you were."

I gasped. "The b.i.t.c.h. Why would she do that to me? She doesn't even know me. And to her own son?"

He snorted. "I know. Just what I thought. Fin was destroyed, Star. Completely."

My heart sank. "Is he...is he okay?"

Alec sighed. "I think he'll be fine eventually. But it'll take time. He's lost so much, Twinkle."

I pursed my lips briefly. "Alec McVey, are you sympathising with my ex?"

There was a silent pause. "I know that as your best friend it's not exactly right for me to side with him, but, yeah. I felt so bad for him. He loves you so much."