Duplicity. Part 16

Tom simply shrugged. "Na. It's ages away. Loads of time. Don't panic. You two make a right b.l.o.o.d.y couple. Never known two people to be so unhappy slash terrified to have their dreams handed to them on a plate." He chuckled and I rolled my eyes. He kind of had a point, I guess.

When I turned again, the rest of the band was on the stage and the lights had dimmed. A guy over by the mixing desk announced Hydde, and the place erupted into raucous applause and whistles.

My shy, una.s.suming man stepped out into the spotlight. His gaze was fixed on the floor and his jaw was working so hard under his skin I could almost feel the grinding. The way his chest rose and fell told me he was on the verge of hyperventilating, and I longed to leap up there and just hold him, tell him he didn't have to do this if he really didn't want to. He had nothing to prove, despite his father's constant jibes and hints to the contrary.

It was so hard to comprehend the way he changed as soon as the music began. It was just like watching Dr. Jekyll down the potion. Sure enough, the opening bars to Foo Fighters' "Monkey Wrench" kicked in, and the transformation took place. Fin gripped the mic, raised his head, and my heart almost stopped. The determination in his eyes verged on arrogance and he effervesced s.e.x appeal that struck me like waves crashing over my body. My nipples peaked at the sheer sight of him taking control in the one place-apart from the bedroom-where he really felt able. Dragging the mic from its stand, he strutted across the stage as Dave Grohl's lyrics fell fiercely from his lips like he owned them.

Once again, he sang with such realism. Every word meant something to him. Every screamed lyric spat with such venom that I believed him.

Every. Single. Syllable.

He was once again singing to his father about the pressure of trying to be perfect and feeling closed in. Shivers travelled down my spine as I watched him. Utterly consumed. Beguiled even. And so d.a.m.ned proud.

I don't remember placing my drink down on the table, but before I could think, my camera was at my eye and I was snapping shots of him as he took command of the stage, and the audience were worshipping at his feet. It was the most natural thing for me to do as I watched him in his element.

Sweat dripped from the straggly strands of hair that fell onto his forehead, and he swiped his T-shirt from his body and wiped it around his face before tucking it into the waist of his jeans. Most people would think he was doing it to draw attention to his amazing body. But I knew different. It was simply a means to an end. He needed something to wipe his face on-it was as simple as that. He was the least showy showman I had ever witnessed. But that didn't make him any less mesmerising to watch. His inability to see himself how others saw him was both frustrating and endearing. And the people in the audience couldn't have been happier if they'd been on the front row of some private gig with a huge star. This is what he did to people.

What he did to me.

The entire show was amazing. The band was seamless. As the night wore on, Fin even began to speak to the audience in between songs, taking over from Nate who grinned widely as if he too saw the change in his frontman. My heart was full to bursting with love and pride.

My man, the rock star.

Okay, so I know I've said that before and I know this was a pub in Edinburgh and not the SECC, but it had never felt more fitting than it did right then.

Another song ended and Fin stuck the mic back in its holster before stepping over and whispering something to Nate, who agreed with whatever was being suggested. Fin returned to centre stage as Nate pa.s.sed around whatever Fin's message had been.

"You know, in life there are roads you travel because you think you should, and there are people you try to impress, even when they're the people who should love you unconditionally. I've been there. But no more. It stops right now. I say you do what you want to do. You do what makes you happy. You rise above it all and make your own plans. I dedicate this next song to every single person who has tried to be a square peg in a round hole. This is a beautiful song written by Eddie Vedder. This is 'Rise.'"

A cheer erupted once more as Nate joined Fin and began to play. He had swapped his electric guitar for an acoustic, and it appeared the other guys were sitting this one out.

As always, I listened as he told the story of his experiences through song. The lyrics evidently resonated with him as he sang them with his eyes closed and both hands gripping the mic in its stand. My stomach fluttered, but this time it wasn't b.u.t.terflies or anxiety. This time it was a wonderful feeling of hope.

I was thankful for the fact that I'd remembered to bring along several memory cards for the camera as I eventually lost count of the number of images I shot. But I was excited to get home and load them onto the laptop and see what I'd captured.

Toward the end of the gig, the intro to our special song began to play, and Fin sauntered s.e.xily over to the side of the stage where I had perched to get the best view. He crouched down so he was at eye level with me, his muscular chest glistening with sweat, and with a love-filled gaze, he sang "Strange and Beautiful" as my insides clenched with need for him, and the last piece of my heart was lost to this mercurial man.

Fin Regardless of how much I'd longed to be a singer when I was a kid, walking out on stage for real as an adult terrified me. Gone was all the bravado of performing to my reflection in the mirror. And after the barrage of insults flung at me during the ill-timed conversation with my dad, all I felt like doing was running for the highlands. But as I walked out there and the crowd erupted-a crowd that had come to see my band by choice-the unpleasant words of Campbell Hunter that had been rattling around my brain dissipated into the noise within the room and were replaced by the sound of whooping and cheering.

His words eventually meant nothing.

The first song was a great way to stick up two fingers to the man who had never believed in me. Never supported me in anything I wanted to do. And never told me he loved me in a direct sentence. And as the intro began, my mask descended and I became the other version of myself. My own alter ego. It was the most bizarre feeling; almost indescribable. It was as if my body was possessed by the spirit of a real performer and I suddenly forgot I was shy as I let him take the reins.

It was hard to believe this was our first real gig. We just...gelled. The music flowed and we had fun playing up to the audience and to each other. Time flew by, and before I knew it, we were coming to the end of our set.

I added a song into the set at short notice and figured I'd get a strip torn off me later for mucking up the set list, but when I approached Nate on stage about singing "Rise", he was enthusiastic about the choice. I said I'd explain later, but he told me there was no need, I'd just to sing my heart out. And so I did. It was time to let go and move on. I knew there was a long way to go until I would be completely free of my anger, but I was prepared to try and that was progress.

Second to last, we played the song that had taken root in my heart along with the girl it reminded me of. And as I sang the words to her, Star's eyes sparkled up at me from where she sat, camera in hand. The look of pride I saw reflected back at me made my heart soar. Why should I care that my so-called father didn't care for my new hobby? The woman I was falling for thought it was great. In that moment, I realised that if I couldn't win my father's love then at least I had the support of the family I had chosen for myself. My friends. And as much as it hurt to know that no matter what I did, Campbell Hunter would never tell me he loved me, I knew I was surrounded by more love than I knew how to handle.

At the end of the set, the place erupted in applause and whistles. Two encores later, I managed to leave the stage and ruffle a fresh towel over my sweat-soaked, s.h.a.ggy hair, as my T-shirt was soaked. The guys were buzzing, and I must admit, the feeling of adrenaline coursing through my veins was one of the best emotional highs I had ever experienced.

I'm sure you can guess what it came a close second to.

Once we were calmed and packed up, I began to make my way over to Star and Tom, but I was enveloped in a group hug by more of my friends who had turned up for the show. But the one person I wanted to see was Star. I glanced over to where she sat, still snapping shots of me, and smiled.

Star Watching Fin get the recognition he deserved was a beautiful sight. He was hugged and patted on the back more times than I could count. I observed the whole thing through my lens and shot as many frames as I could, making sure I captured as much of the night as possible. The change in him was so clear to me. His whole demeanour had altered since he stepped out into the audience, closing himself back inside his shy exterior sh.e.l.l and bowing his head as people rained compliments down on him, unable to acknowledge he was as good as they were telling him he was. His posture was a little more hunched, as if he was trying to become less conspicuous. That's the good thing with being an observer; nothing much pa.s.sed by me.

Suddenly, he stopped paying attention to the crowd of well-wishers and glanced in my direction. The smile that appeared on his face was one of his panties-melting half smiles that made my insides turn to mush.

It was meant just for me.

And I felt it right down to my core. To my soul. Emotions took over, and my need to be alone with him increased. My breath hitched and I lowered my camera to take in the sight of him with my own eyes. It was like he was the calm in the eye of the storm. I wanted him. Desperately. But I had to accept that he had a serious fan base that was unwilling to let him go just yet, and so I adored him from across the crowded room like some poor heroine in a romance novel.

He turned with determination, but his attempts to reach me were halted again when a familiar-looking woman with long dark wavy hair caught his attention. I watched as his eyes widened and he gawked at her. She held up a recording device and seemed to be interviewing him. Wow, he really was living the dream. He grinned at her as she shook his hand and left.

When he eventually reached me, his cheeks were flushed. I parted my thighs where I sat so he could step into the gap I'd created, and he gestured in the direction of the woman's retreating form.

"Did you see? Did you see who that was?" His eyes were wide like a kid on Christmas, and I couldn't help smiling.

I shook my head. "She looked kinda familiar but-"

"It was Lily b.l.o.o.d.y Macrae, Star. I was just interviewed by Lily b.l.o.o.d.y Macrae." He shook his head in bewilderment as it dawned on me who she was.

But I was confused. "Isn't she the broadcaster from Scotland Today on TV?"

He nodded emphatically. "Yes. Yes, it is. And she interviewed me."

His overenthusiasm got me a little worried, but I played along. "Well...that's just great, Fin." I hugged him tight.

He shrugged. "Yeah. I mean, she was doing a favour for a friend, but..."

"Oh? What favour?"

"Her friend at Edinburgh Nights rag who reviews bands has broken his leg and so she came instead. How b.l.o.o.d.y awesome is that?"

I poked his arm playfully. "Oh yeah? Should I be worried?"

He pulled me close and kissed me tenderly. "A while ago, I would have said yes." The wink that followed wasn't rea.s.suring. "But now I only have eyes for my pink-haired American la.s.s." Okay, so he redeemed himself. "And anyway, she was wearing a huge engagement ring so some lucky b.u.g.g.e.r has snapped her up."

The hurt that squeezed my insides must have showed all over my face as he ducked so his eyes were level with mine. "Hey. I'm only messing, Star. You're all I think about now. You're the one I want. And I mean that in every sense." His voice was husky, and I shivered as he lowered his mouth so it was almost touching mine. I suddenly forgot why I was annoyed as his hot breath teased my lips and the noise in the room no longer registered in my brain. My heart pounded as if trying to make its way toward his, and I closed my eyes, relishing the sensation of the antic.i.p.ation of his kiss. At last, he brushed his lips over mine, and I sighed.

"Hey, you okay?" he whispered.

I nodded. "I think your spell worked."

He smiled as I hinted at the "Strange and Beautiful" song lyrics. But I was already head over heels.

No spell needed.

He stroked his thumb over my cheek. "That's good to hear." I adored the way he rolled his 'r' and I closed my eyes to revel in his tender caress. I opened my eyes to find his vivid blues locked on me.

I smiled up at him. "You were amazing up there. A regular Eddie Vedder."

Ignoring my compliment, he whispered, "I want to take you home right now, Star. I need to be alone with you."

My insides clenched at his unspoken intentions, but I frowned. "B-but the other guys' girlfriends came over and mentioned a party they're having over at Nate's house. Don't you want to go?"

He shook his head slowly. "I just need to get you alone."

I pulled my bottom lip in between my teeth, trying not to grin like a complete idiot. "Okay. I think it can be arranged."

He crushed his mouth to mine and slipped one hand into my hair while the other snaked around my waist. His hand slid around to my bottom and inside my jeans, where he kneaded my bare flesh and pulled me closer still. I knew people could see our pa.s.sionate exchange, but I didn't care.

It was just Fin and I that mattered.

After a few more drinks, the rest of the band headed off to celebrate more at Nate's house party, but Fin explained to them that he was ready for some alone time with me. They all poked fun at him and did the whole "We know what you're gonna do" sing song bit. I was sure I was on the verge of spontaneous human combustion as the heat in my cheeks reached near volcanic levels.

Fin led me by the hand out of the club, and the welcome blast of chilled evening air caressed my burning cheeks.

He laced his fingers with mine. "Are you sure you don't mind just going back to my place?" he asked as we sauntered along Hanover Street, hand in hand.

I shook my head and smiled. "Not at all. I was just surprised you didn't want to go celebrate such a successful night."

He raised his eyebrows briefly. "I am going to celebrate. Just not with loads of other people around." His s.e.xy half smile made me melt with the promise of what was to come.

"You really don't like being the centre of attention, do you?"

He pursed his lips and scrunched his nose. "Na. Not really my thing. Don't get me wrong, I love the buzz of being on stage and performing when I'm in the zone. But that buzz lifts pretty d.a.m.n quick as soon as I leave the stage. I'm not the kind of person who'd handle all the s.h.i.t that goes along with being well known. I'm happy to get up and do my bit and then return to being plain old me after."

My heart screamed, But Fin, there's absolutely nothing plain about you. But I reined myself in before blurting it out and instead settled on, "No chance of you going on Britain's Got Talent then, huh?"

His hearty laugh did funny things to every muscle below my waistline, and he squeezed my hand. "Nope. Not a kitty in Hades' chance, sweetheart. But...I'd settle for being the centre of your attention instead."

Oh. My. G.o.d. "I think I could take delight in that scenario too."

We walked along in silence for a while, until a thought crossed my mind and the words left my mouth before I could stop them. "I bet your mom and dad would've been proud of you tonight."

I glanced over at him and his handsome smile had been replaced with a scowl. He laughed derisively. "Not f.u.c.king likely. He rang me tonight, actually."

I stopped in my tracks. "Your dad called? Tonight? When? What did he say?"

His nostrils flared. "Right before the gig. He said that it was a f.u.c.king joke me getting up on a stage and that I was doing my best to ruin the family name. But apart from that, it was all sparkles and f.u.c.king rainbows. Oh, and I smashed my b.l.o.o.d.y phone after."

I stepped in front of him and cupped his face in my hands. "s.h.i.t, I'm so sorry. I can't understand why he's being like that. Maybe if you tell him-"

His brow crumpled and he ducked out of my caress. "Maybe if I tell him what, Star? Maybe if I tell him I'll do exactly what he wants then he'll love me? Yeah, well I tried that, remember? Fat lot of f.u.c.king good it did me."

"I was just going to say that maybe if you explain how much you love music and how it helps you, he'd-"

"He'd tell me I was being irresponsible. Because that's all he sees me as." His voice rose and I saw another new side to him. Except this was a side I didn't like. "He thinks I'm irresponsible and a waste of s.p.a.ce as a f.u.c.king son." He ran his hands through his hair, and a noise that I can only describe as a growl left his chest. "f.u.c.k, I'd decided to let this go, Star. Will you just b.l.o.o.d.y drop it, eh? This was a great night. Why f.u.c.king spoil it? Why bring him up?" He lifted his arms in apparent exasperation.

My lip began to tremble and my eyes stung with unshed tears. "I'm sorry. I was just trying-"

"To help? Yeah, well I don't need it, Star. I just need to forget about my family. Because they've pretty much disowned me." His voice bellowed out into the night air and a group of revellers across the street stopped.

One of the men stepped forward. "Hey, love! Is that guy bothering you?" His broad Scottish accent slurred as he called over to me.

Fin stepped forward with his teeth clenched and his fists balled, ready to pounce. I'd never seen him like this. I placed my hand on his chest and pleaded at him with my eyes not to react.

"No. Everything's fine. Lovers' tiff," I called back with a shrug and a huge fake grin plastered on my face.

The guy didn't look convinced. "Aye...all right then. You take care, eh?" My would-be saviour waved as he began to walk on with his group of friends. He periodically glanced over his shoulder at us until he turned the corner onto Queen Street.

"I think maybe I should go home, Fin," I whispered. I wasn't keen on this version of him that I was witnessing for the first time. Clearly it was a side of him that his father-or his relationship with his father-revealed.

Toxic was the word that immediately sprang to mind.

He closed his eyes and let his head roll back. He rubbed his hands over his face and huffed a long sigh from his lungs before he lowered his gaze to meet mine once more. "G.o.d, I'm sorry, sweetheart. You're the last person I should be angry with." His eyes were glistening and his voice cracked. Pain radiated from him and was almost palpable.

My eyes began to well up again. "You've said that before, Fin."

He stepped toward me once again, leaned in, and rested his forehead on mine. "Aye, I know I have. Please forgive me. I really don't mean to get so angry about him, but..." He closed his eyes. "It f.u.c.king hurts, Star. It hurts so much that he treats me like he does. All I wanted was a dad. Nothing more."

My heart broke for the little boy inside of Fin who only wanted his father's approval. "I know, Fin. I know."

Fin We arrived back at Star's flat after a walk in uncomfortable silence. I was filled with gut-wrenching regret and guilt at the way I'd shouted at her. I'd granted her wish to take her home, but it was with reluctance. I didn't want to leave things the way they were, but I had no clue how to recover from my stupidity.

When we reached her front door, the nosey neighbour poked his head out. "Good evening, Scarlet. You're late home tonight."

What the f.u.c.k did it have to do with him? Who was he, the f.u.c.king curfew police? Anger got the better of me. "The lady's name is Star. And she's late because she has her own life and doesn't stick her nose in other people's."

The man mumbled under his breath and slammed his door.

Way to go, Fin. That'll have helped you no end.

I dared to turn my gaze to focus on Star and the disappointment in her eyes twisted my guts.

She shook her head. "There was no need for that, Fin. He was only looking out for me. Being neighbourly and all."

I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I know. I just..." I let out an exasperated sigh. "I feel like I've f.u.c.ked this up yet again, and I'm terrified to go home in case you decide you're done with me."

She stepped toward me and took my hands in hers. "I'm not done with you. I'm not gonna run away at the first fight. But I'm done with this anger. You're taking things out on the wrong people here. I'm not the enemy, Fin. I'm the one who lov... who... who cares for you."

My breath caught in my throat and my eyes widened at her near admission of love. Say it. Just say it. But she didn't. It had just been a slip of her tongue.

A sweet smiled graced her lips. "Now, are you coming in for a nightcap, or are we going to give the neighbours more reasons to talk about me and my wild lifestyle?" Her teasing eyebrow raise made my insides coil, and I felt hope twinge at my insides. But I knew I was running out of chances with her.