Dude, You're A Fag Part 2

They are on the vanguard of hip-hop culture and set the standards of athleticism. On the other hand, they experience disproportionate levels of punishment and academic marginality" (49). African American boys move from the unjust disciplinary system of high school to a racist social and economic system. They are frequently under stricter disciplinary scrutiny than their white counterparts (Ferguson 2000; Majors 2001; Price 1999). Black men in America are consistently seen as hypers.e.xual Becoming Mr. Cougar / Becoming Mr. Cougar / 47 47 and hypermasculine (Ross 1998). Accordingly at River High differential treatment often coalesced around African American boys' s.e.xualized behaviors. The reclaiming of white women from the clutches of the gangstas in the Mr. Cougar sketch ill.u.s.trates the a.s.sumed destructive potential of black male s.e.xuality. This fear of black male heteros.e.xuality is also revealed in the informal disciplinary regimes deployed around school rituals.

Each year River High School put on a dance show. During my fieldwork the show "Music Brings the People All Together," consisted of twenty-four different dance routines, some by individuals, most by groups, and a grand finale featuring the entire cast. Many of the dances were rather s.e.xual. The dance show started off with a "cancan" routine in which a line of girls dressed in period costume rapidly and repeatedly flipped up their skirts in the front and back, showing their underwear. It seemed that the entire point of the routine was to show their underwear as many times as possible.

The last routine was an ensemble piece (one of seven mixed-gender dance routines) to "I've Had the Time of My Life," the theme song to the movie Dirty Dancing. Dirty Dancing. The routine drew from the story line of the movie, in which teenagers at an upscale resort in the 1950s are prohibited from dancing "dirty." Dancing in such a way that one's pelvis meets with another's in a grinding motion is forbidden. In the end of the movie the teenagers triumph at the resort's annual talent show in which the male lead, Johnny, and female lead, Baby, rebel against their parents' stodgy ways to dance "dirty" to the song "I've Had the Time of My Life." The routine drew from the story line of the movie, in which teenagers at an upscale resort in the 1950s are prohibited from dancing "dirty." Dancing in such a way that one's pelvis meets with another's in a grinding motion is forbidden. In the end of the movie the teenagers triumph at the resort's annual talent show in which the male lead, Johnny, and female lead, Baby, rebel against their parents' stodgy ways to dance "dirty" to the song "I've Had the Time of My Life."

In the beginning of this routine, Ricky and Samantha stood in the middle of the stage facing each other and staring intently into each other's eyes, as do Baby and Johnny in the movie. Also, as in the movie, Ricky's7 hands ran seductively up and down Samantha's arms and sides as they began to gyrate their hips simultaneously in time to the music. The two continued to perform s.e.xually evocative moves accompanied by s.e.xually charged looks. Several minutes into the song all of the performers joined them to execute a final group dance, spilling out onto the floor of the theater in a celebration of "dirty dancing."

48 However, not all students were given free reign to dance this seductively. The eighteenth dance number was put on by the Pep Club, the name given to a group of primarily African American students, much to their frustration, by the school administration. The Pep Club, or Bomb Squad,8 as they renamed themselves, had formed to give black students a presence at school a.s.semblies and games. The cheerleading squads, as at other schools, were primarily composed of white girls (Adams and Bettis 2003). There were no African American members during my time there. African American girls at River were keenly aware of this, frequently noting the whiteness of the cheer squad as they performed at a.s.semblies. One particular group of African American girls, many of whom were on the Bomb Squad, danced and sang through many of the a.s.semblies. As the mostly white cheerleading team took the floor at the Fall Sports a.s.sembly, one of these girls, Trisha, yelled out, "I don't see no black cheerleaders!" She was right, there were no black cheerleaders.

They were mostly white and Asian, and a smattering of Latina girls. At another time I heard a white cheerleader make a similar comment when Sarah told me that African American girls who were talented dancers tried out for cheerleading but never made the squad.

The Bomb Squad had similar problems appearing on stage at school events. According to the Bomb Squad members, they often had trouble getting the school administration to let them perform at rallies and a.s.semblies, even though the student body went wild as they performed their high-energy dance, step, and chanting routines.

The Bomb Squad's performance to an initially slow hip-hop song that picked up tempo as it continued opened with the six boys sitting in chairs and the girls dancing in front of them, gyrating their bottoms in front of the boys' faces. The boys eventually stood up to dance behind the girls, rotating their hips, but never touching the girls. At the end of the song the group ran off the stage, the boys high-fiving and hugging each other, each yelling over the others, "I didn't touch her!" "I didn't either!" K. J.

stopped to explain to me, "We'd get suspended if we touched the girls."

Becoming Mr. Cougar / 49 49 The next day in weight lifting, several of the boys explained to me that before the dance show several of the vice princ.i.p.als had come to watch the dances in order to give them official approval. While three of the dances were relatively s.e.xual-the cancan, the "dirty dancing" finale, and this routine-only the African American boys were singled out and given strict instructions not to touch the girls. The dancers in the finale were white, and in the cancan there were no boys. So while s.e.xuality was certainly on display and approved of in the dance show, it was the relationship between race, gender, and s.e.xuality that rendered black boys so potentially dangerous to the delicate balance of the (hetero)s.e.xual order established by the school.

The problem here is not heteros.e.xuality but a particularly racialized and gendered heteros.e.xuality. Teenagers are seen as inherently s.e.xual and black men are seen as extremely s.e.xual. So the s.e.xual behavior of African American teenage boys is taken much more seriously than that of white boys. In her study of sixth-grade African American boys, Ann Ferguson (2000) argued that teachers and administrators attributed an intentionality to African American boys' misbehavior that they did not attribute to white boys' misdeeds. When white boys misbehaved, teachers excused them with a resigned "boys will be boys" response. However, when African American boys joked, spoke out, or otherwise misbehaved in the cla.s.sroom or schoolyard, adults at the school Ferguson studied a.s.sumed that they were doing so on purpose. This a.s.sumption of an adult intentionality results in harsher punishments for African American boys.

By setting up a logic of inst.i.tutionalized racism, this sort of treatment stunts their educational development. When white boys danced s.e.xually with (usually white) girls, the administration didn't take note of it, possibly regarding it as a normal teenage behavior. It is likely that, much like the adults at the school Ferguson studied, the administrators at River saw African American boys' s.e.xual behavior as adult and intentional.

African American boys embodied contradictions in that they were both profoundly threatening and profoundly disempowered in the world of River High.

50 GENDER AND s.e.xUA LITY REGIMES.

The social s.p.a.ce of River High was a complex cultural arena in which students, teachers, and administrators invested in and reproduced larger cultural meanings around gender and s.e.xuality.9 Because of that, River High's structuring of gender and s.e.xuality was, in the end, unremarkable but important because it provided the context in which boys and girls forged gendered and s.e.xual ident.i.ties. As teachers and administrators told me when I first entered the school, it indeed felt like a school out of middle America. It wasn't just that the school was objectively average, it was that the students and administrators saw it that way. Students often spoke of "Cougar Pride" or "tradition" without embarra.s.sment. I expected to hear sarcasm, but instead I heard an earnest pa.s.sion in their voices as they talked about what they liked about River. Some even talked about returning to teach at River like Mr. McNally, the drama teacher, or Mr. Hobart, the princ.i.p.al. Their ordering of the heteros.e.xual matrix was interesting precisely because it was the stuff of everyday life. In time-honored high school rituals, masculinity and femininity were produced as opposite and unequal ident.i.ties primarily through heteros.e.xual practices, metaphors, and jokes.

River High's administrators, like many parents and policy makers, were wary of teens' burgeoning s.e.xuality. They feared that too much information or too much discussion of s.e.x might encourage the students to engage in all sorts of irresponsible behaviors. In a nation that views teenage pregnancy rates as a sign of its moral worth, refuses to provide single and unemployed mothers with sufficient financial support, and is deeply divided about abortion, s.e.x is indeed a scary subject. Ms. Mac's terror about the loss of her job in the face of students' distribution of condoms ill.u.s.trates how seriously school boards, parents, and some teachers take the issue of teen s.e.x. However, teachers must also navigate the everyday educational process. They somehow must engage students in learning about things that seem foreign to their own lives, such as the In-terstate Commerce Act or the Fourteenth Amendment. To this end, Ms.

Becoming Mr. Cougar / 51 51 Mac took a path several other teachers do: she used examples about s.e.x.

That way she could forge rapport with students by catching their attention (wow-my teacher is talking about s.e.x!) and relating a seemingly es-oteric subject to topics that permeated much of student life-s.e.x and romantic relationships. But the way she deployed s.e.xual talk in her pedagogy was not neutral. That is, her s.e.x talk was directed primarily at boys-a.s.suming, for instance, that they were the ones interested in condoms. It seemed that girls' subjectivity was tangential to course work- as when a group of boys formed the Man Party, literally dedicated to rolling back women's citizenship rights, with no repercussions. Similarly male teachers curried boys' attention by allowing s.e.xist and h.o.m.ophobic conversations and practices to go unchecked.

River High's school rituals mirrored society's expectations of a dominant, white heteros.e.xual masculinity and a s.e.xually available femininity.

Boys were represented in these rituals as heteros.e.xually successful and physically dominant over girls and over weaker boys. They repeatedly emphasized their masculinity by losing their feminine voices, beating other boys into submission, and validating their heteros.e.xuality by "winning" girls. Girls, conversely, were represented as s.e.xually available in both the yearbook pictures and the homecoming skits. The administration, for all of its fear about teen s.e.xuality, organized and funded school rituals that fostered a s.e.xist heteros.e.xuality, with girls as s.e.xual objects or rewards.

It seemed that the administrators, the teachers, and the kids were trying to accomplish the task of education and socialization in the best way they knew. This task and the way these students were taught to become adult men and women ill.u.s.trate not just the particularities at River High but the ambivalence and anxieties we, as a society, feel about issues of gender, s.e.xuality, and race. In the next chapter I continue to explore the centrality of s.e.xuality to definitions of masculinity at River High by focusing on a particular sort of interactional process through which boys affirm to themselves and each other that they are straight: engaging with the threatening specter of the f.a.ggot.

CHAPTER three

Dude, You're a f.a.g

Adolescent Male h.o.m.ophobia The sun shone bright and clear over River High's annual Creative and Performing Arts Happening, or CAPA. During CAPA the school's various art programs displayed students' work in a fairlike atmosphere. The front quad sported student-generated computer programs. Colorful and ornate chalk art covered the cement sidewalks. Tables lined with student-crafted pottery were set up on the gra.s.s. Tall displays of students' paintings divided the rear quad. To the left of the paintings a television blared student-directed music videos. At the rear of the back quad, a square, roped-off area of cement served as a makeshift stage for drama, choir, and dance performances. Teachers released students from cla.s.s to wander around the quads, watch performances, and look at the art. This freedom from cla.s.s time lent the day an air of excitement because students were rarely allowed to roam the campus without a hall pa.s.s, an office summons, or a parent/faculty escort. In honor of CAPA, the school district bussed in elementary school students from the surrounding grammar schools to partic.i.p.ate in the day's festivities.

Running through the rear quad, Brian, a senior, yelled to a group of boys visiting from the elementary schools, "There's a f.a.ggot over there!

There's a f.a.ggot over there! Come look!" Following Brian, the ten-year-olds dashed down a hallway. At the end of the hallway Brian's friend Dan 52 Dude, You're a f.a.g / 53 53 pursed his lips and began sashaying toward the little boys. As he minced, he swung his hips exaggeratedly and wildly waved his arms. To the boys Brian yelled, "Look at the f.a.ggot! Watch out! He'll get you!" In response, the ten-year-olds raced back down the hallway screaming in terror.

Brian and Dan repeated this drama throughout the following half hour, each time with a new group of young boys.

Making jokes like these about f.a.ggots was central to social life at River High. Indeed, boys learned long before adolescence that f.a.ggots were simultaneously predatory and pa.s.sive and that they were, at all costs, to be avoided. Older boys repeatedly impressed upon younger ones through these types of h.o.m.ophobic rituals that whatever they did, whatever they became, however they talked, they had to avoid becoming a f.a.ggot.

Feminist scholars of masculinity have doc.u.mented the centrality of h.o.m.ophobic insults and att.i.tudes to masculinity (Kimmel 2001; Lehne 1998), especially in school settings (Burn 2000; Kimmel 2003; Messner 2005; Plummer 2001; G. Smith 1998; Wood 1984). They argue that h.o.m.ophobic teasing often characterizes masculinity in adolescence and early adulthood and that antigay slurs tend to be directed primarily at gay boys. This chapter both expands on and challenges these accounts of relationships between h.o.m.ophobia and masculinity. h.o.m.ophobia is indeed a central mechanism in the making of contemporary American adolescent masculinity. A close a.n.a.lysis of the way boys at River High invoke the f.a.ggot as a disciplinary mechanism makes clear that something more than simple h.o.m.ophobia is at play in adolescent masculinity. The use of the word f.a.g f.a.g by boys at River High points to the limits of an argument that focuses centrally on h.o.m.ophobia. f.a.g is not only an ident.i.ty linked to h.o.m.os.e.xual boys but an ident.i.ty that can temporarily adhere to heteros.e.xual boys as well. The f.a.g trope is also a racialized disciplinary mechanism. by boys at River High points to the limits of an argument that focuses centrally on h.o.m.ophobia. f.a.g is not only an ident.i.ty linked to h.o.m.os.e.xual boys but an ident.i.ty that can temporarily adhere to heteros.e.xual boys as well. The f.a.g trope is also a racialized disciplinary mechanism.

h.o.m.ophobia is too facile a term with which to describe the deployment of is too facile a term with which to describe the deployment of f.a.g f.a.g as an epithet. By calling the use of the word as an epithet. By calling the use of the word f.a.g f.a.g h.o.m.ophobia-and letting the argument stop there-previous research has obscured the gendered nature of s.e.xualized insults (Plummer 2001). Invoking h.o.m.o-54 / h.o.m.ophobia-and letting the argument stop there-previous research has obscured the gendered nature of s.e.xualized insults (Plummer 2001). Invoking h.o.m.o-54 phobia to describe the ways boys aggressively tease each other overlooks the powerful relationship between masculinity and this sort of insult. Instead, it seems incidental, in this conventional line of argument, that girls do not hara.s.s each other and are not hara.s.sed in this same manner. This framing naturalizes the relationship between masculinity and h.o.m.ophobia, thus obscuring that such hara.s.sment is central to the formation of a gendered ident.i.ty for boys in a way that it is not for girls.

f.a.g is not necessarily a static ident.i.ty attached to a particular (h.o.m.os.e.xual) boy. f.a.g talk and f.a.g imitations serve as a discourse with which boys discipline themselves and each other through joking relationships.

Any boy can temporarily become a f.a.g in a given social s.p.a.ce or interaction. This does not mean that boys who identify as or are perceived to be h.o.m.os.e.xual aren't subject to intense hara.s.sment. Many are. But becoming a f.a.g has as much to do with failing at the masculine tasks of competence, heteros.e.xual prowess, and strength or in any way revealing weakness or femininity as it does with a s.e.xual ident.i.ty. This fluidity of the f.a.g ident.i.ty is what makes the specter of the f.a.g such a powerful disciplinary mechanism. It is fluid enough that boys police their behaviors out of fear of having the f.a.g ident.i.ty permanently adhere and definitive enough so that boys recognize a f.a.g behavior and strive to avoid it.

An a.n.a.lysis of the f.a.g discourse also indicates ways in which gendered power works through racialized selves. The f.a.g discourse is invoked differently by and in relation to white boys' bodies than it is by and in relation to African American boys' bodies. While certain behaviors put all boys at risk for becoming temporarily a f.a.g, some behaviors can be enacted by African American boys without putting them at risk of receiving the label. The racialized meanings of the f.a.g discourse suggest that something more than simple h.o.m.ophobia is involved in these sorts of interactions. It is not that gendered h.o.m.ophobia does not exist in African American communities. Indeed, making fun of "negro f.a.ggotry seems to be a rite of pa.s.sage among contemporary black male rappers and filmmakers" (Riggs 1991, 253). However, the fact that "white women and men, gay and straight, have more or less colonized cultural debates about Dude, You're a f.a.g / Dude, You're a f.a.g / 55 55 s.e.xual representation" ( Julien and Mercer 1991, 167) obscures varied systems of s.e.xualized meanings among different racialized ethnic groups (Almaguer 1991). Thus far male h.o.m.ophobia has primarily been written about as a racially neutral phenomenon. However, as D. L. King's (2004) recent work on African American men and same-s.e.x desire pointed out, h.o.m.ophobia is characterized by racial ident.i.ties as well as s.e.xual and gendered ones.

WHAT IS A f.a.g? GENDERED MEANINGS.

"Since you were little boys you've been told, 'Hey, don't be a little f.a.ggot,' " explained Darnell, a football player of mixed African American and white heritage, as we sat on a bench next to the athletic field. Indeed, both the boys and girls I interviewed told me that f.a.g f.a.g was the worst epithet one guy could direct at another. Jeff, a slight white soph.o.m.ore, explained to me that boys call each other f.a.g because "gay people aren't really liked over here and stuff." Jeremy, a Latino junior, told me that this insult literally reduced a boy to nothing, "To call someone was the worst epithet one guy could direct at another. Jeff, a slight white soph.o.m.ore, explained to me that boys call each other f.a.g because "gay people aren't really liked over here and stuff." Jeremy, a Latino junior, told me that this insult literally reduced a boy to nothing, "To call someone gay gay or or f.a.g f.a.g is like the lowest thing you can call someone. Because that's like saying that you're nothing." is like the lowest thing you can call someone. Because that's like saying that you're nothing."

Most guys explained their or others' dislike of f.a.gs by claiming that h.o.m.ophobia was synonymous with being a guy. For instance, Keith, a white soccer-playing senior, explained, "I think guys are just h.o.m.ophobic." However, boys were not equal-opportunity h.o.m.ophobes. Several students told me that these h.o.m.ophobic insults applied only to boys and not to girls. For example, while Jake, a handsome white senior, told me that he didn't like gay people, he quickly added, "Lesbians, okay, that's good. good. " Similarly Cathy, a popular white cheerleader, told me, "Being a lesbian is accepted because guys think, 'Oh that's cool.' " Darnell, after telling me that boys were warned about becoming f.a.ggots, said, "They " Similarly Cathy, a popular white cheerleader, told me, "Being a lesbian is accepted because guys think, 'Oh that's cool.' " Darnell, after telling me that boys were warned about becoming f.a.ggots, said, "They [guys] are fine with girls. I think it's the guy part that they're like ewwww." In this sense it was not strictly h.o.m.ophobia but a gendered h.o.m.ophobia that const.i.tuted adolescent masculinity in the culture of River 56 High. It is clear, according to these comments, that lesbians were "good"

because of their place in heteros.e.xual male fantasy, not necessarily because of some enlightened approach to same-s.e.x relationships. A popular trope in heteros.e.xual p.o.r.nography depicts two women engaging in s.e.xual acts for the purpose of male t.i.tillation. The boys at River High are not unique in making this distinction; adolescent boys in general dislike gay men more than they dislike lesbians (Baker and Fishbein 1998). The fetishizing of s.e.x acts between women indicates that using only the term h.o.m.ophobia h.o.m.ophobia to describe boys' repeated use of the word to describe boys' repeated use of the word f.a.g f.a.g might be a bit simplistic and misleading. might be a bit simplistic and misleading.

Girls at River High rarely deployed the word f.a.g f.a.g and were never called f.a.gs. I recorded girls uttering and were never called f.a.gs. I recorded girls uttering f.a.g f.a.g only three times during my research. In one instance, Angela, a Latina cheerleader, teased Jeremy, a well-liked white senior involved in student government, for not ditching school with her: "You wouldn't 'cause you're a f.a.ggot." However, girls did not use this word as part of their regular lexicon. The sort of gendered h.o.m.ophobia that const.i.tuted adolescent masculinity did not const.i.tute adolescent femininity. Girls were not called d.y.k.es or lesbians in any sort of regular or systematic way. Students did tell me that only three times during my research. In one instance, Angela, a Latina cheerleader, teased Jeremy, a well-liked white senior involved in student government, for not ditching school with her: "You wouldn't 'cause you're a f.a.ggot." However, girls did not use this word as part of their regular lexicon. The sort of gendered h.o.m.ophobia that const.i.tuted adolescent masculinity did not const.i.tute adolescent femininity. Girls were not called d.y.k.es or lesbians in any sort of regular or systematic way. Students did tell me that s.l.u.t s.l.u.t was the worst thing a girl could be called. However, my field notes indicate that the word was the worst thing a girl could be called. However, my field notes indicate that the word s.l.u.t s.l.u.t (or its synonym (or its synonym ho ho) appeared one time for every eight times the word f.a.g f.a.g appeared. appeared.

Highlighting the difference between the deployment of gay gay and and f.a.g f.a.g as insults brings the gendered nature of this h.o.m.ophobia into focus. For boys and girls at River High as insults brings the gendered nature of this h.o.m.ophobia into focus. For boys and girls at River High gay gay was a fairly common synonym for "stupid." While this word shared the s.e.xual origins of was a fairly common synonym for "stupid." While this word shared the s.e.xual origins of f.a.g, f.a.g, it didn't it didn't consistently consistently have the skew of gender-loaded meaning. Girls and boys often used have the skew of gender-loaded meaning. Girls and boys often used gay gay as an adjective referring to inanimate objects and male or female people, whereas they used as an adjective referring to inanimate objects and male or female people, whereas they used f.a.g f.a.g as a noun that denoted only unmasculine males. as a noun that denoted only unmasculine males.

Students used gay gay to describe anything from someone's clothes to a new school rule that they didn't like. For instance, one day in auto shop, Arnie pulled out a large older version of a black laptop computer and placed it on his desk. Behind him Nick cried, "That's a gay laptop! It's five inches to describe anything from someone's clothes to a new school rule that they didn't like. For instance, one day in auto shop, Arnie pulled out a large older version of a black laptop computer and placed it on his desk. Behind him Nick cried, "That's a gay laptop! It's five inches Dude, You're a f.a.g / Dude, You're a f.a.g / 57 57 thick!" The rest of the boys in the cla.s.s laughed at Arnie's outdated laptop. A laptop can be gay, a movie can be gay, or a group of people can be gay. Boys used gay gay and and f.a.g f.a.g interchangeably when they referred to other boys, but interchangeably when they referred to other boys, but f.a.g f.a.g didn't have the gender-neutral attributes that didn't have the gender-neutral attributes that gay gay frequently invoked. frequently invoked.

Surprisingly, some boys took pains to say that the term f.a.g f.a.g did not imply s.e.xuality. Darnell told me, "It doesn't even have anything to do with being gay." Similarly, J. L., a white soph.o.m.ore at Hillside High (River High's cross-town rival), a.s.serted, " did not imply s.e.xuality. Darnell told me, "It doesn't even have anything to do with being gay." Similarly, J. L., a white soph.o.m.ore at Hillside High (River High's cross-town rival), a.s.serted, "f.a.g, seriously, it has nothing to do with s.e.xual preference at all. You could just be calling somebody an idiot, you know?" I asked Ben, a quiet, white soph.o.m.ore who wore heavy-metal T-shirts to auto shop each day, "What kind of things do guys get called a f.a.g for?" Ben answered, "Anything . . . literally, anything. seriously, it has nothing to do with s.e.xual preference at all. You could just be calling somebody an idiot, you know?" I asked Ben, a quiet, white soph.o.m.ore who wore heavy-metal T-shirts to auto shop each day, "What kind of things do guys get called a f.a.g for?" Ben answered, "Anything . . . literally, anything.

Like you were trying to turn a wrench the wrong way, 'Dude, you're a f.a.g.' Even if a piece of meat drops out of your sandwich, 'You f.a.g!' " Each time Ben said, "You f.a.g," his voice deepened as if he were imitating a more masculine boy. While Ben might rightly feel feel that a guy could be called a f.a.g for "anything . . . literally, anything," there were actually specific behaviors that, when enacted by most boys, could render them more vulnerable to a that a guy could be called a f.a.g for "anything . . . literally, anything," there were actually specific behaviors that, when enacted by most boys, could render them more vulnerable to a f.a.g f.a.g epithet. In this instance Ben's comment highlights the use of epithet. In this instance Ben's comment highlights the use of f.a.g f.a.g as a generic insult for incompetence, which in the world of River High, was central to a masculine ident.i.ty. A boy could get called a f.a.g for exhibiting any sort of behavior defined as unmasculine (although not necessarily behaviors aligned with femininity): being stupid or incompetent, dancing, caring too much about clothing, being too emotional, or expressing interest (s.e.xual or platonic) in other guys. However, given the extent of its deployment and the laundry list of behaviors that could get a boy in trouble, it is no wonder that Ben felt a boy could be called f.a.g for "anything." These nons.e.xual meanings didn't replace s.e.xual meanings but rather existed alongside them. as a generic insult for incompetence, which in the world of River High, was central to a masculine ident.i.ty. A boy could get called a f.a.g for exhibiting any sort of behavior defined as unmasculine (although not necessarily behaviors aligned with femininity): being stupid or incompetent, dancing, caring too much about clothing, being too emotional, or expressing interest (s.e.xual or platonic) in other guys. However, given the extent of its deployment and the laundry list of behaviors that could get a boy in trouble, it is no wonder that Ben felt a boy could be called f.a.g for "anything." These nons.e.xual meanings didn't replace s.e.xual meanings but rather existed alongside them.

One-third (thirteen) of the boys I interviewed told me that, while they might liberally insult each other with the term, they would not direct it at a h.o.m.os.e.xual peer. Jabes, a Filipino senior, told me, "I actually say it 58 [f.a.g] quite a lot, except for when I'm in the company of an actual h.o.m.os.e.xual person. Then I try not to say it at all. But when I'm just hanging out with my friends I'll be like, 'Shut up, I don't want you hear you any more, you stupid f.a.g.' " Similarly J. L. compared h.o.m.os.e.xuality to a dis-ability, saying there was "no way" he'd call an actually gay guy a f.a.g because "there's people who are the r.e.t.a.r.ded people who n.o.body wants to a.s.sociate with. I'll be so nice to those guys, and I hate it when people make fun of them. It's like, 'Bro do you realize that they can't help that?' quite a lot, except for when I'm in the company of an actual h.o.m.os.e.xual person. Then I try not to say it at all. But when I'm just hanging out with my friends I'll be like, 'Shut up, I don't want you hear you any more, you stupid f.a.g.' " Similarly J. L. compared h.o.m.os.e.xuality to a dis-ability, saying there was "no way" he'd call an actually gay guy a f.a.g because "there's people who are the r.e.t.a.r.ded people who n.o.body wants to a.s.sociate with. I'll be so nice to those guys, and I hate it when people make fun of them. It's like, 'Bro do you realize that they can't help that?'

And then there's gay people. They were born that way." According to this group of boys, gay was a legitimate, or at least biological, ident.i.ty.

There was a possibility, however slight, that a boy could be gay and masculine (Connell 1995). David, a handsome white senior dressed smartly in khaki pants and a white b.u.t.ton-down shirt, told me, "Being gay is just a lifestyle. It's someone you choose to sleep with. You can still throw around a football and be gay." It was as if David was justifying the use of the word f.a.g f.a.g by arguing that gay men could be men if they tried but that if they failed at it (i.e., if they couldn't throw a football) then they deserved to be called a f.a.g. In other words, to be a f.a.g was, by definition, the opposite of masculine, whether the word was deployed with s.e.xualized or nons.e.xualized meanings. In explaining this to me, Jamaal, an African American junior, cited the explanation of the popular rap artist Eminem: by arguing that gay men could be men if they tried but that if they failed at it (i.e., if they couldn't throw a football) then they deserved to be called a f.a.g. In other words, to be a f.a.g was, by definition, the opposite of masculine, whether the word was deployed with s.e.xualized or nons.e.xualized meanings. In explaining this to me, Jamaal, an African American junior, cited the explanation of the popular rap artist Eminem: "Although I don't like Eminem, he had a good definition of it. It's like taking away your t.i.tle. In an interview they were like, 'You're always capping on gays, but then you sing with Elton John.' He was like 'I don't mean gay as in gay.' " This is what Riki Wilchins (2003) calls the "Eminem Exception. Eminem explains that he doesn't call people 'f.a.ggot' because of their s.e.xual orientation but because they're weak and unmanly" (72). This is precisely the way boys at River High used the term f.a.ggot. f.a.ggot. While it was not necessarily acceptable to be gay, at least a man who was gay could do other things that would render him acceptably masculine. A f.a.g, by the very definition of the word, could not be masculine. While it was not necessarily acceptable to be gay, at least a man who was gay could do other things that would render him acceptably masculine. A f.a.g, by the very definition of the word, could not be masculine.

This distinction between f.a.g as an unmasculine and problematic ident.i.ty and gay as a possibly masculine, although marginalized, s.e.xual iden-Dude, You're a f.a.g / 59 t.i.ty is not limited to a teenage lexicon; it is reflected in both psychological discourses and gay and lesbian activism. Eve Sedgwick (1995) argues that in contemporary psychological literature h.o.m.os.e.xuality is no longer a problem for men so long as the h.o.m.os.e.xual man is of the right age and gender orientation. In this literature a h.o.m.os.e.xual male must be an adult and must be masculine. Male h.o.m.os.e.xuality is not pathologized, but gay male effeminacy effeminacy is. The lack of masculinity is the problem, not the s.e.xual practice or orientation. Indeed, the edition of the is. The lack of masculinity is the problem, not the s.e.xual practice or orientation. Indeed, the edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (a key doc.u.ment in the mental health field) that erased h.o.m.os.e.xuality as a diagnosis in the 1970s added a new diagnosis in its wake: Gender Ident.i.ty Disorder. According to Sedgwick, the criteria for diagnosis are different for girls and boys. A girl has to actually a.s.sert that she is a boy, indicating a psychotic disconnection with reality, whereas a boy need only display a preoccupation with female activities. The policing of boys' gender orientation and of a strict masculine ident.i.ty for gay men is also reflected in gay culture itself. The war against f.a.gs as the specter of unmasculine manhood appears in gay male personal ads in which men look for "straight-appearing, straight-acting men." (a key doc.u.ment in the mental health field) that erased h.o.m.os.e.xuality as a diagnosis in the 1970s added a new diagnosis in its wake: Gender Ident.i.ty Disorder. According to Sedgwick, the criteria for diagnosis are different for girls and boys. A girl has to actually a.s.sert that she is a boy, indicating a psychotic disconnection with reality, whereas a boy need only display a preoccupation with female activities. The policing of boys' gender orientation and of a strict masculine ident.i.ty for gay men is also reflected in gay culture itself. The war against f.a.gs as the specter of unmasculine manhood appears in gay male personal ads in which men look for "straight-appearing, straight-acting men."

This concern with both straight and gay men's masculinity not only reflects teenage boys' obsession with hypermasculinity but also points to the conflict at the heart of the contemporary "crisis of masculinity" being played out in popular, scientific, and educational arenas.

BECOMING A f.a.g: f.a.g FLUIDITY.

"The ubiquity of the word f.a.ggot f.a.ggot speaks to the reach of its discrediting capacity" (Corbett 2001, 4). It's almost as if boys cannot help shouting it out on a regular basis-in the hallway, in cla.s.s, or across campus as a greeting. In my fieldwork I was amazed by the way the word seemed to pop uncontrollably out of boys' mouths in all kinds of situations.1 To quote just one of many instances from my field notes: two boys walked out of the PE locker room, and one yelled, "f.u.c.king f.a.ggot!" at no one in particular. None of the other students paid them any mind, since this 60 / speaks to the reach of its discrediting capacity" (Corbett 2001, 4). It's almost as if boys cannot help shouting it out on a regular basis-in the hallway, in cla.s.s, or across campus as a greeting. In my fieldwork I was amazed by the way the word seemed to pop uncontrollably out of boys' mouths in all kinds of situations.1 To quote just one of many instances from my field notes: two boys walked out of the PE locker room, and one yelled, "f.u.c.king f.a.ggot!" at no one in particular. None of the other students paid them any mind, since this 60 sort of thing happened so frequently. Similar spontaneous yelling of some variation of the word f.a.g, f.a.g, seemingly apropos of nothing, happened repeatedly among boys throughout the school. This and repeated imitations of f.a.gs const.i.tute what I refer to as a "f.a.g discourse." seemingly apropos of nothing, happened repeatedly among boys throughout the school. This and repeated imitations of f.a.gs const.i.tute what I refer to as a "f.a.g discourse."

f.a.g discourse is central to boys' joking relationships. Joking cements relationships among boys (Kehily and Nayak 1997; Lyman 1998) and helps to manage anxiety and discomfort (Freud 1905). Boys both connect with one another and manage the anxiety around this sort of relationship through joking about f.a.gs. Boys invoked the specter of the f.a.g in two ways: through humorous imitation and through lobbing the epithet at one another. Boys at River High imitated the f.a.g by acting out an exaggerated "femininity" and/or by pretending to s.e.xually desire other boys.

As indicated by the introductory vignette in which an older boy imitated a predatory f.a.g to threaten little boys, male students at River High linked these performative scenarios with a f.a.g ident.i.ty. They also lobbed the f.a.g f.a.g epithet at each other in a verbal game of hot potato, each careful to deflect the insult quickly by hurling it toward someone else. These games and imitations made up a f.a.g discourse that highlighted the f.a.g not as a static but rather as a fluid ident.i.ty that boys constantly struggled to avoid. epithet at each other in a verbal game of hot potato, each careful to deflect the insult quickly by hurling it toward someone else. These games and imitations made up a f.a.g discourse that highlighted the f.a.g not as a static but rather as a fluid ident.i.ty that boys constantly struggled to avoid.

In imitative performances the f.a.g discourse functioned as a constant reiteration of the f.a.g's existence, affirming that the f.a.g was out there; boys reminded themselves and each other that at any moment they could become f.a.gs if they were not sufficiently masculine. At the same time these performances demonstrated that the boy who was invoking the f.a.g was not not a f.a.g. Emir, a tall, thin African American boy, frequently imitated f.a.gs to draw laughs from other students in his introductory drama cla.s.s. a f.a.g. Emir, a tall, thin African American boy, frequently imitated f.a.gs to draw laughs from other students in his introductory drama cla.s.s.

One day Mr. McNally, the drama teacher, disturbed by the noise outside the cla.s.sroom, turned to the open door, saying, "We'll shut this unless anyone really wants to watch sweaty boys playing basketball." Emir lisped, "I wanna watch the boys play!" The rest of the cla.s.s cracked up at his imitation. No one in the cla.s.s actually thought Emir was gay, as he purposefully mocked both same-s.e.x s.e.xual desire (through pretending to admire the boys playing basketball) and an effeminate gender ident.i.ty Dude, You're a f.a.g / Dude, You're a f.a.g / 61 61 (through speaking with a lisp and in a high-pitched voice). Had he said this in all seriousness, the cla.s.s most likely would have responded in stunned silence. Instead, Emir reminded them he was masculine by immediately dropping the f.a.g act. After imitating a f.a.g, boys a.s.sure others that they are not a f.a.g by instantly becoming masculine again after the performance. They mock their own performed femininity and/or same-s.e.x desire, a.s.suring themselves and others that such an ident.i.ty deserves derisive laughter.

Boys consistently tried to force others into the f.a.g position by lobbing the f.a.g f.a.g epithet at each other. One day in auto shop, Jay was rum-maging through a junk-filled car in the parking lot. He poked his head out of the trunk and asked, "Where are Craig and Brian?" Neil responded with "I think they're over there," pointing, then thrusting his hips and pulling his arms back and forth to indicate that Craig and Brian might be having s.e.x. The boys in auto shop laughed. This sort of joke temporarily labeled both Craig and Brian as f.a.ggots. Because the f.a.g discourse was so familiar, the other boys immediately understood that Neil was indicating that Craig and Brian were having s.e.x. However, these were not necessarily ident.i.ties that stuck. n.o.body actually thought Craig and Brian were h.o.m.os.e.xuals. Rather, the f.a.g ident.i.ty was fluid- epithet at each other. One day in auto shop, Jay was rum-maging through a junk-filled car in the parking lot. He poked his head out of the trunk and asked, "Where are Craig and Brian?" Neil responded with "I think they're over there," pointing, then thrusting his hips and pulling his arms back and forth to indicate that Craig and Brian might be having s.e.x. The boys in auto shop laughed. This sort of joke temporarily labeled both Craig and Brian as f.a.ggots. Because the f.a.g discourse was so familiar, the other boys immediately understood that Neil was indicating that Craig and Brian were having s.e.x. However, these were not necessarily ident.i.ties that stuck. n.o.body actually thought Craig and Brian were h.o.m.os.e.xuals. Rather, the f.a.g ident.i.ty was fluid- certainly an ident.i.ty that no boy wanted but that most boys could escape, usually by engaging in some sort of discursive contest to turn another boy into a f.a.g.

In this way the f.a.g became a hot potato that no boy wanted to be left holding. One of the best ways to move out of the f.a.g position was to thrust another boy into that position. For instance, soon after Neil made the joke about Brian having s.e.x with Craig, Brian lobbed the f.a.g f.a.g epithet at someone else, deflecting it from himself, by initiating a round of a favorite game in auto shop, the "c.o.c.k game." Brain said quietly, looking at Josh, "Josh loves the c.o.c.k," then slightly louder, "Josh loves the c.o.c.k." He continued saying this until he was yelling, "JOSH LOVES THE epithet at someone else, deflecting it from himself, by initiating a round of a favorite game in auto shop, the "c.o.c.k game." Brain said quietly, looking at Josh, "Josh loves the c.o.c.k," then slightly louder, "Josh loves the c.o.c.k." He continued saying this until he was yelling, "JOSH LOVES THE c.o.c.k!" The rest of the boys laughed hysterically as Josh slunk away, saying, "I have a bigger d.i.c.k than all you motherf.u.c.kers!" These two in-62 stances show how the f.a.g could be mapped, for a moment, onto one boy's body and how he, in turn, could attach it to another boy, thus deflecting it from himself. In the first instance Neil made fun of Craig and Brian for simply hanging out together. In the second instance Brian went from being a f.a.g to making Josh into a f.a.g through the "c.o.c.k game." Through joking interactions boys moved in and out of the f.a.g ident.i.ty by discursively creating another as a f.a.g.

Given the pervasiveness of f.a.g jokes and the fluidity of the f.a.g ident.i.ty, it is difficult for boys to consistently avoid the brand. As Ben stated, it almost seemed that a boy could get called a f.a.g for "anything." But most readily acknowledged that there were s.p.a.ces, behaviors, and bodily comportments that made one more likely to be subject to the f.a.g discourse, such as bodily practices involving clothing and dancing.

According to boys at River, f.a.gs cared about the style of their clothes, wore tighter clothes, and cared about cleanliness. Nils explained to me that he could tell that a guy was a f.a.g by the way he dressed: "Most guys wear loose-fitting clothing, just kind of baggy. They [f.a.gs] wear more tight clothes. More fashionable, I guess." Similarly, nonf.a.gs were not supposed to care about dirtying their clothes. Auto shop was a telling example of this. Given that the boys spent two hours working with greasy car parts, they frequently ended up smudged and rumpled by the end of cla.s.s. While in the front of the cla.s.sroom there was a room boys could change in, most of them opted not to change out of their school clothes, with a few modifying their outfits by taking their shirts off and walking around in their "beaters." These tank tops were banned at River High because of their a.s.sociation with gang membership. Auto shop was the one place on campus where boys could wear them with impunity. Like most of the boys in auto shop, Ben never changed out of his jeans or heavy-metal T-shirts. After working on a particularly oily engine he walked in to the cla.s.sroom with grease stains covering his pants. He looked down at them, made a face, and walked toward me laughing, wav-ing his hands around with limp wrists, and lisping in a high-pitched sing-song voice, "I got my good panths all dirty!" Ben's imitation indicated Dude, You're a f.a.g / Dude, You're a f.a.g / 63 63 that only a f.a.g would actually care about getting his clothes dirty. "Real"

guys didn't care about their appearance; thus it didn't matter if they were covered in grease stains. Of course, to not care about one's clothes, or to make fun of those who care about their clothes, ironically, is to also care about one's appearance. In this sense, masculinity became the carefully crafted appearance of not caring about appearance.

Indeed, the boys' approach to clothing and cleanliness mirrored trends in larger society and the ascendance of the "metros.e.xual." Metros.e.xual Metros.e.xual is the recently coined label for straight men who care about their appearance, meticulously piecing together outfits, using product in their hair, and even making manicure appointments (for clear polish, of course). Because these sorts of grooming practices are a.s.sociated with gay men, straight men developed a new moniker to differentiate themselves from other straight men and from gay men. is the recently coined label for straight men who care about their appearance, meticulously piecing together outfits, using product in their hair, and even making manicure appointments (for clear polish, of course). Because these sorts of grooming practices are a.s.sociated with gay men, straight men developed a new moniker to differentiate themselves from other straight men and from gay men.

Dancing was another practice that put a boy at risk of being labeled a f.a.g. Often boys would jokingly dance together to diffuse the s.e.xualized and feminized meanings embedded in dancing. At dances white boys frequently held their female dates tightly, locking their hips together. The boys never danced with one another unless they were joking or trying to embarra.s.s one another. The examples of boys jokingly dancing together are too numerous to discuss, but the following example was particularly memorable. Lindy danced behind her date, Chris. Chris's friend Matt walked up and nudged Lindy aside, imitating her dance moves behind Chris. As Matt rubbed his hands up and down Chris's back, Chris turned around and jumped back, startled to see Matt there instead of Lindy.

Matt cracked up as Chris turned red and swore at his friend.

A similar thing happened at CAPA as two of the boys from the band listened to another band play swing music. These two boys walked toward each other and began to ballroom-dance. Within a second or two they keeled over in laughter, hitting each other and moving away. This ritualized dance, moving closer and then apart, happened again and again when music played at River High. Boys partic.i.p.ated in this ritualized ex-change to emphasize that indeed they weren't f.a.gs.

64 When boys were forced to dance with one another, as in cla.s.sroom activities, this sort of joking escalated. In the drama cla.s.s Mr. McNally walked the students through an exercise that required them to stand so close to each other that most parts of their bodies touched. He instructed the students to stand in two circles on the stage, with each person on the outer circle directly behind someone in the inner circle. He began to play a haunting instrumental song with no vocals. As the song continued Mr.

McNally told the students in the inner circle to close their eyes and let their bodies go limp, while still standing. He instructed the students in the outer circle to move the person in front through an interpretive dance, following his lead as he moved the student in front of him. As the music continued, most of the students in the outer circle watched Mr.

McNally's movements intently, trying their best to mirror his actions.

The result was an intimate and beautiful puppet-and-puppeteerlike dance with the student in back moving the student in front through slow, fluid poses. Instead of following Mr. McNally's movements like the rest of the cla.s.s, one pair of white soph.o.m.ores, Liam and Jacob, barely touched. Jacob stood in back of Liam and, instead of gently holding Liam's wrist with their full arms touching as the other students did, picked up Liam's wrist with two fingers as if picking up something re-pulsive and flung Liam's hand to its destination. He made jokes with Liam's arm, repeatedly flinging it up against Liam's chest in a movement that indicated Liam was "r.e.t.a.r.ded." The jokes continued as the students switched places, so that the inner circle became the outer circle, with Liam now "in control" of Jacob. Liam placed Jacob's hand against his forehead as if saluting, made his arms flap like birds, and used Jacob's finger to poke at his eyes, all the while, unlike the other students, never letting the majority of his body touch Jacob's. At the end of the exercise Mr.

McNally asked for the students' feedback. One of the girls said, a little embarra.s.sed, "I hate to say it, but it was almost s.e.xual." To which Mr.

McNally responded, "Yeah, it's full physical contact," at which point Liam and Jacob took two steps apart from one another. Even though the entire cla.s.s was a.s.signed to touch one another simultaneously, Jacob and Dude, You're a f.a.g / Dude, You're a f.a.g / 65 65 Liam had a hard time following the instructions because it was so dangerous to actually "dance" together like this. Even in a cla.s.s situation, in the most nonsuspect of interactions, the f.a.g discourse ran deep, forbidding boys to touch one another.

The constant threat of the f.a.g regulated boys' att.i.tudes toward their bodies in terms of clothing, dancing, and touching. Boys constantly engaged in repudiatory rituals to avoid permanently inhabiting the f.a.g position. Boys' interactions were composed of compet.i.tive joking through which they interactionally created the const.i.tutive outside and affirmed their positions as subjects.

EMBODYING THE f.a.g: RICKY'S STORY Through verbal jockeying, most boys at River continually moved in and out of the f.a.g position. For the one boy who permanently inhabited the f.a.g position, life at River High was not easy. I heard about Ricky long before I met him. As soon as I talked to any student involved with drama, the choir, or the Gay/Straight Alliance, they told me I had to meet Ricky. Ricky, a lithe, white junior with a shy smile and downcast eyes, frequently sported multicolored hair extensions, mascara, and sometimes a skirt. An extremely talented dancer, he often starred in the school's dance shows and ch.o.r.eographed a.s.semblies. In fact, he was the male lead in "I've Had the Time of My Life," the final number in the dance show. Given how important other students thought it was that I speak to him, I was surprised that I had to wait for nearly a year before he granted me an interview. His friends had warned me that he was "heterophobic" and as a result was reluctant to talk to authority figures he perceived were heteros.e.xual. After I heard his stories of past and present abuse at the hands of negligent adults, cruel teenagers, and indifferent school administrators, I understood why he would be leery of folks asking questions about his feelings, experiences, and opinions. While other boys at River High engaged in continual repudiatory rituals around the f.a.g ident.i.ty, Ricky embodied the f.a.g because of his h.o.m.os.e.xuality and his less normative gender identification and self-presentation.

66 Ricky a.s.sumed (rightly so in this context) that other people immediately identified him with his s.e.xuality. He told me that when he first met people, "they'll be like, 'Can I ask you a personal question?' And I'm like, 'Sure.' And they say, 'Are you gay?' And I'm like, 'Yeeeaahh.' 'Okay, can I ask you another question?' And I'm like, 'Sure.' And they'll go, 'Does it hurt?' It always goes . . . " He rolled his eyes dismissively, telling me, "They go straight up to the most personal question! They skip everything else. They go straight to that. Sometimes I'll get the occasional 'Well, how did you know that you were [gay]?' " He answered with "For me it's just always been there. I knew from the time I could think for myself on. It was pretty obvious," he concluded gesturing to his thin frame and tight-fitting tank top with a flourish.

Ricky lived at the margins of school, student social life, and society in general. His mother died when he was young. After her death, he moved around California and Nevada, alternately living with his drug-addicted father, a boyfriend's family, his aunt, his sister, and his h.o.m.ophobic grandmother (who forbade him to wear nail polish or makeup). The resulting discontinuities in his education proved difficult in terms of both academics and socialization: It's really hard to go to a school for a period of time and get used to their system and everything's okay. Then when all of a sudden you have to pick up and move the next week, get into a new environment you have no idea about, you don't know how the kids are gonna react to you. You don't know what the teachers are like and you don't know what their system is. So this entire time I have not been able to get used to their system and get used to the environment at all. That's why I had to say, "f.u.c.k it," cause for so long I've been going back and going back and reviewing things I did in like fifth grade. I'm at a fourth-grade math level. I am math illiterate, let me tell you.

In addition to the continual educational disruptions, Ricky had to con-tend with intense hara.s.sment. Figuring out the social map of the school was central to Ricky's survival. h.o.m.ophobic hara.s.sment at the hands of teachers and students characterized his educational experience. When he Dude, You're a f.a.g / Dude, You're a f.a.g / 67 67 was beat up in a middle school PE cla.s.s, the teacher didn't help but rather fostered this sort of treatment: They gave them a two-day suspension and they kind of kept an eye on me. That's all they could do. The PE coach was very racist and very h.o.m.ophobic. He was just like "f.a.ggot this" and "f.a.ggot that." I did not feel comfortable in the locker room and I asked him if I could go some-where else to change, and he said, "No, you can change here."

Sadly, by the time Ricky had reached River High he had become accustomed to the violence.

In a weird sense, in a weird way, I'm comfortable with it because it's just what I've known for as long as I can remember. I mean, in elementary school, I'm talking like sixth grade, I started being called a f.a.g. Fifth grade I was called a f.a.g. Third grade I was called a f.a.g. I have the pa-perwork, 'cause my mom kept everything, I still have them, of kids hara.s.sing me, saying "g.a.y.l.o.r.d," at that time it was "g.a.y.l.o.r.d."

Contrary to the protestations of boys earlier in the chapter that they would never call someone who was gay a f.a.g, Ricky experienced this hara.s.sment on a regular basis, probably because he couldn't draw on iden-tifiably masculine markers such as athletic ability or other forms of dominance to bolster some sort of claim on masculinity.

Hypermasculine environments such as sporting events continued to be venues of intense hara.s.sment at River High. "I've had water balloons thrown at me at a football game. Like, we [his friends Genevieve and Lacy] couldn't have stayed at the homecoming game. We had to go." The persecution began immediately at the biggest football game of the year.

When he entered with his friend Lacy, "Two guys that started walking up to get tickets said, 'There's the f.u.c.king f.a.g.' " When Ricky responded with "Excuse me?" the boy shot back, "Don't talk to me like you know me." The boy and his friends started to threaten Ricky. Ricky said, "He started getting into my face, and his friends started saying, 'Come on, man, come on, man' " as if they were about to hit Ricky. Ricky felt frustrated that "the ticket people are sitting there not doing a d.a.m.n thing.

68 This is right in front of them!" He found Ms. Chesney, the vice princ.i.p.al, after the boys finally left. While Ms. Chesney told him, "We'll take care of it," Ricky said he never heard about the incident again. Later at the game he and Lacy had water bottles thrown at them by young boys yelling, "Oh look, it's a f.a.g!" He said that this sentiment echoed as they tried to sit in the bleachers to watch the half-time show, which he had ch.o.r.eographed: "Left and right, 'What the f.u.c.k is that f.a.g doing here?'

'That f.a.g has no right to be here.' Blah blah blah. That's all I heard. I tried to ignore it. And after a while I couldn't take it and then we just went home." While many of the boys I interviewed said they would not actually hara.s.s a gay boy, that was not Ricky's experience. He was driven out of the event he had ch.o.r.eographed because of the intense h.o.m.ophobic hara.s.sment.

Ricky endured similar torment at CAPA, the event at which Brian and Dan socialized the young boys to fear f.a.ggots by chasing them. Boys reacted with revulsion to Ricky's dance performances while simultaneously objectifying the girls dancing on the stage. The rear quad served as the stage for CAPA's dancers. The student body cl.u.s.tered around the stage to watch the all-female beginning jazz dance cla.s.s perform. Mitch, a white senior, whose shirt read, "One of us is thinking about s.e.x. It must be me," muttered, "This is so gay" and began to walk away. Jackson yelled after him, "Where are you going, f.a.g? f.a.g? " As Mitch walked away, Jackson turned back to the dancing girls, who now had their backs to the boys, gyrating their behinds in time to the music, and shouted, "Shake that a.s.s!" Jackson reached in his pocket to grab his gla.s.ses. Pablo commented, "He's putting on his gla.s.ses so he can see her shake her a.s.s better." Watching the girls' behinds, Jackson replied, as he pointed to one of them, "She's got a " As Mitch walked away, Jackson turned back to the dancing girls, who now had their backs to the boys, gyrating their behinds in time to the music, and shouted, "Shake that a.s.s!" Jackson reached in his pocket to grab his gla.s.ses. Pablo commented, "He's putting on his gla.s.ses so he can see her shake her a.s.s better." Watching the girls' behinds, Jackson replied, as he pointed to one of them, "She's got a huge huge a.s.s." Mitch turned to Pablo and asked, seriously, "Why are there no guys?" Pablo responded, "You're such a f.a.g." a.s.s." Mitch turned to Pablo and asked, seriously, "Why are there no guys?" Pablo responded, "You're such a f.a.g."

The advanced dance troupe took the stage with Ricky in the center.

Again, all the dancers sported black outfits, but this time the pants were baggy and the shirts fitted. Ricky wore the same outfit as the girls. He danced in the "lead" position, in the front and the center of the dance for-Dude, You're a f.a.g / 69 mation. He executed the same dance moves as the girls, which is un-common in mixed-gender dance troupes. Usually the boys in a mixed-gender dance troupe perform the more "physical" moves such as flips, holding up the girls, and spinning them around. Ricky, instead, performed all the s.e.xually suggestive hip swivels, leg lifts, arm flares, and spins that the girls did.

Nils and his group of white male friends made faces and giggled as they stared at Ricky. Soon Nils turned to Malcolm and said, "It's like a car wreck, you just can't look away." Both shook their heads in dismay as they continued to watch the "car wreck" with what can only be described as morbid absorption. Other boys around the stage reacted visibly, re-coiling at Ricky's performance. One of them, J. R., a hulking junior and captain of the football team, shook his head and muttered under his breath, "That's disgusting." I asked him, "What?" J. R. turned to me with his nose wrinkled in revulsion and responded, "That guy dancing, it's just disgusting! Disgusting!" He again shook his head as he walked off. Soon afterward an African American boy turned to his friend and admiringly said of Ricky, "He's a better dancer than all the girls! That takes talent!"

He turned to me and said, "Can I wiggle my hips that fast?" and laughed as he tried. The white boys' revulsion bordering on violence was common for boys when talking about Ricky and his dancing. More surprising was the African American boys' admiration, if tinged with humor, of these skills. In these moments boys faced a terrifying, embodied abject, not just some specter of a f.a.g.

Even though dancing was the most important thing in his life, Ricky told me he didn't attend school dances because he didn't like to "watch my back" the whole time. Meanings of s.e.xuality and masculinity were deeply embedded in dancing and high school dances. Several boys at the school told me that they wouldn't even attend a dance if they knew Ricky was going to be there. In auto shop, Brad, a white soph.o.m.ore, said, "I heard Ricky is going in a skirt. It's a h.e.l.la short one!" Chad responded, "I wouldn't even go if he's there." Topping Chad's response, Brad claimed, "I'd probably beat him up outside." K. J. agreed: "He'd proba-70 bly get jumped by a bunch of kids who don't like him." Chad said, "If I were a gay guy I wouldn't go around telling everyone." All of them agreed on this. Surprised and somewhat disturbed by this discussion, I asked incredulously, "Would you really not go to prom because a gay guy would be in the same room as you all?" They looked at me like I had two heads and said again that of course they wouldn't. Ricky's presentation of both s.e.xual preference and gender ident.i.ty was so profoundly threatening that boys claimed they would be driven to violence.

Ricky developed different strategies to deal with the f.a.g discourse, given that he was not just a a f.a.g but f.a.g but the the f.a.g. While other boys lobbed the epithet at one another with implied threats of violence (you are not a man and I am, so watch out), for Ricky that violence was more a reality than a threat. As a result, learning the unwritten rules of a particular school and mapping out its social and physical landscape was literally a matter of survival. He found River High to be one of the most h.o.m.ophobic schools he had attended: "It's the most violent school I think that I've seen so far. With all the schools the verbal part about, you know the slang, 'the f.a.g,' the 'f.u.c.kin' freak,' 'f.u.c.king f.a.g,' all that stuff is all the same. But this is the only school that throws water bottles, throws rocks, and throws food, ketchup, sandwiches, anything of that nature."2 f.a.g. While other boys lobbed the epithet at one another with implied threats of violence (you are not a man and I am, so watch out), for Ricky that violence was more a reality than a threat. As a result, learning the unwritten rules of a particular school and mapping out its social and physical landscape was literally a matter of survival. He found River High to be one of the most h.o.m.ophobic schools he had attended: "It's the most violent school I think that I've seen so far. With all the schools the verbal part about, you know the slang, 'the f.a.g,' the 'f.u.c.kin' freak,' 'f.u.c.king f.a.g,' all that stuff is all the same. But this is the only school that throws water bottles, throws rocks, and throws food, ketchup, sandwiches, anything of that nature."2 While there is a law in California protecting students from discrimination based on s.e.xual ident.i.ty, when Ricky requested help from school authorities he was ignored, much as in his interaction with the vice princ.i.p.al at the homecoming game. Ricky responded to this sort of treatment with several evasion strategies. He walked with his eyes downcast to avoid meeting other guys' eyes, fearing that they would regard eye contact as a challenge or an invitation to a fight. Similarly he varied his route to and from school: I had to change paths about three different times walking to sch