Dr. Adriaan Part 56

"I? I shall go home."

She felt her jealousy of all of them, out there:

"Yes," he said, gently.

"If you don't love me," she burst out, "they will not need to console you long."

"I shall feel regret ... because I have spoilt your life ... and because I sha'n't see the children any more."

"Spoilt my life?" she said, proudly. "You have not done that."

He did not answer.

"The children?" she continued. "Why should you not see them ... when you want to?"

"Would you allow that?"

"Allow it? They are your children. I have nothing to say in the matter.

In fact...."

"In fact?"

"I should not think it right ... if you did not see them often."

"Then I shall come."

"Of course.... But to go on living here ... would be too expensive."

"No, not at all. I ... I shall want nothing ... out there. Whatever I make is yours."

"I can't accept it."

"Yes, you can ... for the children. It's better, Tilly, that everything should remain as it is."

"Very well," she consented. "Only, Addie ... it's not a solution."

"There can be no solution ... until you know that you care enough for Johan Erzeele...."

"No, no, I don't!"

"That you care enough for Johan Erzeele to...."

"I don't know, I don't know ... and I refuse to discuss it."

"I understand that, Tilly. Then ... there can be no solution yet, can there? We know nothing about a solution. I am simply giving you back your life, as far as I can, and you are doing the same to me. Later we will see what happens. It will all come of itself. What do we know? We know nothing ... for ourselves. Knowledge will all come of itself. Do you understand?"

"No."

"You will, later.... You will live here, with the children; you will see me hardly at all. I shall not see the children for a time. It will be as though I were on a journey. They are so small: oh, I hope that they won't miss me and that, when they do see me again, they will know me!...

So you will be alone ... with the children ... It may be that you will want me back then, that the former love will return.... In my case too, perhaps.... We shall see. It will ... it will all come of itself and we ... we know nothing.... Perhaps, in years to come, we shall be living quietly together again ... with the children. Or else...."

"What?"

"Or else you will be far away from me ... and will have found your happiness with another."

She put her hands before her eyes:

"I don't see it.... I don't know...."

"Now you are being honest. No, you don't know if you will come to care so much as that for Johan.... And I ... I will be honest too! I don't know if I shall ever care for you again.... But we must wait, Tilly; and the best thing therefore is to leave each other and ... and not to talk to each other again until it has come of itself and until we know....

You will not be alone in the world; for, if ever I can do anything for you, I will come to you. I shall never forget you."

"Yes, perhaps that will be best," she said, in a dead voice. "I shall try to look at it like that ... and to live alone ... with the children.

I shall not see Johan again."

"No, no, on the contrary: you must see him."

"Why?"

"So as to know. You will never be _weak."_

"No, I shall never be that."

"You know how he feels towards you."

"How do you know?"

"I know you do.... You know what he feels for you. But you do not know what you feel for him."

"Addie! Oh, Addie!"

"Don't deny it. Be honest. These are the last words, perhaps, that we shall exchange for quite a long time. I am going away now."

"Now?"

"Yes.... Write to me when there's any occasion."

"Very well."

"Good-bye, Tilly."

She was silent, sat staring before her, with her hands clasped over her knees. No, she did not understand him, but she could not act otherwise than he wished.

He was gone; and suddenly she felt very lonely. She heard him upstairs packing, rummaging in his cupboards.

And she began to reflect, sadly:

"He acts differently and speaks differently from anybody else. Divorced?