Doctor Who_ Happiness Patrol Part 3

'But this is terrible,' said the Doctor, jumping up.

'Walking in the rain, as well,' said Harold V, 'if you're on your own and don't take an umbrella.'

Ace found all this hard to believe. 'But why don't people stand up to her?'

'Simple,' said Harold, 'people are scared.'

The Doctor recalled the fanatical grins of the Alphan militia. 'Remember the Happiness Patrol, Ace,' he said.

Ace looked defiant. 'A bunch of ratbags.'

By now the Doctor knew Ace well enough to know when to curb her enthusiasm for a fight. 'Ratbags with guns,' he said.

Harold V had pulled himself to his feet and was leaning against the wall. Before he spoke he made sure that Priscilla P was far enough away not to be able to hear.

'The Happiness Patrol is the nice side of her regime,' he said. 'Do you know who the Kandy Man is, Doctor?'

'He sounds like a sweetie!'

Harold V showed no sign of being amused. 'He's dangerous.'

'Dangerous?' said the Doctor, getting interested.

'He's doing experiments,' Harold explained. 'That's why we're here. He needs guinea pigs.' He turned to Ace, his face long and drawn. 'Guinea pigs like you and me,' he said lugubriously.

Ace was interested as well. 'What sort of experiments?'

she asked.

Harold V shrugged and turned back to the one-armed bandit. 'I can't find out,' he said.

The Doctor, however, wouldn't let it rest. He needed every clue he could find to unravel the mystery of Terra Alpha. 'So what else does he do, this Kandy Man?'

Harold V pulled a strawberry sherbet out of his pocket and casually tossed it to the Doctor. 'He makes sweets,'

said Harold.

'Thank goodness,' said Ace, s.n.a.t.c.hing the sweet from the Doctor. 'Food at last.' And before anyone could stop her she popped the sweet in her mouth. Harold and the Doctor waited anxiously for the verdict. 'Delicious,' said Ace. 'Got any more?'

'My last one,' said Harold, 'but there are plenty about.

The Kandy Man makes thousands a day gives them to the Happiness Patrol so that they can reward the happiest citizens.'

'He sounds an interesting sort of fellow, this Kandy Man,' said the Doctor. 'I shall look forward to meeting him.'

'So this Kandy Man,' said Ace, 'the one who makes the sweets, you reckon he is the one behind the disappearances like the disappearance of your brother.'

'Oh yes,' said Harold. 'No question about it. But he's just one of them. There are different ways of disappearing on Terra Alpha.'

'Like what?' asked the Doctor.

'Essentially,' said Harold, 'there seem to be three main ways of disappearing. The late show at the Forum, a visit to the Kandy Kitchen, or...' Harold V paused and scratched his head. 'Or something else,' he said.

'What sort of something else?' asked Ace impatiently.

Harold V shook his head. 'I don't know exactly,' he said, 'but rumour has it that Helen A favours the firing squad.'

Harold's brother, Andrew X, was looking down the barrels of three Happiness Patrol fun guns. He, too, had heard the rumours about firing squads. He thought grimly that he wouldn't be around to be able to confirm them. He was only vaguely aware of Joseph C, who was reading from a long scroll.

'Oh dear, oh dear,' said Joseph C, looking sympathetically towards Andrew. 'I'm afraid it says here,'

he said, waving the scroll in the air, 'that you've been found guilty of an ostentatious display of public grief.

Dear, dear, dear.'

It was all lies. When the Happiness Patrol had tracked him down, Andrew X had laughed in their faces.

He heard a click as the Happiness Patrol primed the fun guns. Joseph C reached into his pocket and pulled out a cap. Andrew noticed that it was a rather beautiful cap a rainbow cap of many colours. As Joseph placed it on his head, Andrew was glad that this cap was one of the last things he would see on Terra Alpha Joseph C continued his speech. 'You've been sentenced to the severest penalty decreed by Helen A.'

Andrew looked straight in front of him straight at the guns. Then he closed his eyes and braced himself, waiting for the end.

'Patrol dismissed!' It was Daisy K. Andrew opened his eyes to see the guns being lowered and the Happiness Patrol marching out of the yard. Was it a reprieve?

Helen A always enjoyed the moment when the victim's hopes were raised. She was feeling better. Gilbert had brought her a box of her favourite truffles and she was chewing one contentedly. As she watched the bewildered Andrew X on the monitor her finger hovered over a red b.u.t.ton on the console in front of her.

'What do you think, Gilbert M? Shall I push the b.u.t.ton?'

Gilbert M stifled a yawn. 'Yes, ma'am. Whatever you think.'

Helen A slowly brought her finger down on the b.u.t.ton.

The Kandy Man was behind with his weekly quota of sweets. He needed Gilbert M, and as usual Gilbert M was nowhere to be found. The Kandy Man was chopping strawberries and his anger was making him more violent and causing him to be more careless than usual. Thinking about Gilbert's absence, he brutally brought down his knife. It sliced through the intended strawberry but went on and cleanly severed his left thumb. The Kandy Man wearily put down the knife.

'Drat!' he shouted. This was all he needed now, apart from everything else, he would have to spend time putting back his thumb. Getting it the right way round and matching nerve endings was a fiddly business.

He had just finished, and was picking up the knife to continue his work, when the smiling skull on the shelf next to him lit up and started flashing. The Kandy Man sighed and again put down the knife. Why did Helen A always choose the most inconvenient time for her executions? Why was he never consulted? He padded across the Kandy Kitchen, deliberately taking a little more time than necessary, and turned a small metal wheel one complete revolution. The Kandy Kitchen gradually came to life: other metal wheels turned, lights flashed and pipes creaked. Above it all there was the noise, a quiet trickling that grew into a great rushing sound. It howled around his ears, filling every corner of the Kandy Kitchen.

The Kandy Man sat down heavily, took a gingerbread man out of a nearby jar and bit off its head. He was having a hard day he needed a break.

The noise was the first indication to Andrew X that something was happening in the execution yard. It was coming from deep inside the huge pipe suspended above his head and getting louder all the time in seconds the sound was almost unbearable. Andrew X clasped his hands over his head. He saw Joseph C's benign smile and then he saw nothing as he was engulfed by thousands of gallons of a viscous red liquid pouring out of the pipe.

Joseph C was still smiling when Andrew X stopped moving, smothered by the sludge. 'The fondant surprise!'

he said happily. He dipped his finger into the red liquid to taste it. 'Mmm,' he said, 'strawberry!'

5.

Helen A turned off the monitor. She was satisfied: it was a job well done, and entertaining as well. She turned to Gilbert M and caught him yawning again.

He waved half-heartedly. 'Well, I must be going,' he said.

Helen A was annoyed with him. She felt he wasn't entering into the spirit of things. 'So soon,' she said.

'Aren't you forgetting something?'

Gilbert M looked blank.

'We haven't finished yet,' said Helen A. 'There's still his brother Harold V to deal with.'

'Ah, his brother.'

Helen A decided that Gilbert M needed to be reminded of a few priorities. 'Families are very important to people's happiness,' she said, smiling her most sincere smile.

But Gilbert M knew she was in a dangerous mood. He smiled back. 'Oh, I do agree,' he said quickly.

Helen A warmed to her theme. 'I'm a great believer in keeping families together.' She switched on the monitor, and they both watched Harold V playing the one-armed bandit in the waiting zone.

Harold V had told the Doctor and Ace everything he knew, and was now tired of talking. Priscilla P had noticed them whispering and had moved closer. The Doctor was getting restless: he looked at his watch.

'Time we were going, Professor?' asked Ace.

'We've got a night's work ahead of us,' agreed the Doctor, 'and I think we've learned enough.'

Ace leapt up. This was more like it! 'Ace!' she said. 'A prison break!'

'A waiting zone break,' the Doctor corrected her. 'And I think we'll take our new friend with us.'

Harold V looked up from the one-armed bandit. 'What's that?'

'We're going to escape,' whispered Ace.

Harold V's expression didn't change. 'There is no escape,' he said.

Watching the monitor Helen A could not hear this exchange, but she could see Harold V turning back to the one-armed bandit. She slammed her palm on to a b.u.t.ton on the console.

Harold V pulled the lever.

The charge of electricity that pa.s.sed through his body was so ma.s.sive that he died instantly. Sparks flew from the one-armed bandit and a wisp of smoke escaped into the air.

Ace was first to reach to Harold V, but it was clear that it was too late. Priscilla P sauntered over and laughed quietly to herself. 'I think he got a buzz out of that,' she said.

Ace could control herself no longer. 'Shut up!' she cried and threw herself towards Priscilla P. Priscilla P's grip tightened on the trigger of her gun, but she had no need to use it, for the Doctor got to Ace first and held her back.

'Easy, Ace!' he said.

Priscilla P looked at Ace with contempt and then nodded towards the body of Harold V. 'Rather a shocking experience,' she laughed.

Ace struggled to free herself from the Doctor's grip. 'Let me get at her!' she screamed. 'Let me shut her up!'

The Doctor strengthened his grip and spoke quietly to her. 'Not now. Save the anger. Use it use it later.' Ace relaxed. 'Right now I need you clear-headed,' he said.

'You're no good to me like this.'

He let Ace go. She was calm now, but still trembling.

She turned away from Priscilla P.

'I want to nail those sc.u.mbags,' she said to the Doctor. 'I want to make them very, very unhappy.'

'Don't worry, Ace,' said the Doctor softly. 'We will.'

Ace's hands were steady again by the time the Happiness Patrol guards arrived to remove Harold V's body. They slung him roughly into a body bag and hauled it into their jeep. The Doctor could see that Ace needed distracting another outburst could cost their lives. He led Ace over to the abandoned go-kart.

'What do you think?' he said.

'b.o.o.by-trapped,' said Ace. 'No question.'

The Doctor turned to Priscilla P, who was following their every move with her fun gun.

'Tell me, Priscilla P,' he said.

'Yes,' she replied politely.

'I was wondering about your go-kart,' said the Doctor, gesturing with the tip of his umbrella.

'Not my go-kart,' said Priscilla P. 'The waiting zone go-kart.'