Doctor Who_ Happiness Patrol Part 14

'That's right.'

But the Doctor knew why. The bureau had obviously heard about recent events on Terra Alpha and, no doubt after countless committee meetings, had decided to send Trevor to gather information. His findings would be a.n.a.lysed, and after a further series of meetings a decision would be taken to do something about it. The only snag was that by the time any action was taken, no one on Terra Alpha, if the planet still existed, would remember anything about Helen A or the Happiness Patrol.

Still, that didn't make the size of Trevor's list of the disappeared any less horrific. 'When were you last on Terra Alpha?' the Doctor asked him.

'Let me see,' said Trevor, 'In Alphan time, six months ago.'

So all these Alphans had disappeared in the last six months. The Doctor held one end of the roll of paper firmly and threw the roll across the square. As it unrolled, the paper, covered in Trevor's tiny, neat writing, cascaded down the steps, right across the square, and into an adjoining street before the Doctor, peering into the distance, finally saw the other end.

Fifi was sprawled across one of the most comfortable chairs in Helen A's suite, resting before going back down into the pipes to hunt the Pipe People, when Helen A walked briskly into the room with a leash made of strong metal links.

'Walkies!' cried Helen A brightly. In an instant Fifi was by her side, getting increasingly animated as Helen A clipped on the leash. As they set off for the execution yard, where Helen A had arranged to meet Joseph C, Wences watched from behind a ventilation grille set low into the wall. He scampered away down the pipe to the other Pipe People to warn them to get ready to fight for their lives.

Joseph C was sauntering round the execution yard, breathing in the night air, when Helen A arrived with Fifi.

He slid the manhole cover aside and took the leash from Helen when she unclipped it. She gently lowered Fifi into the manhole and they both watched with pride as Fifi sniffed the air and set off in search of her prey.

Helen liked the yard at this time of night, when the last execution had taken place or not taken place in the case of today. But even that recollection did not stop her taking pleasure from the peace and quiet of the secluded s.p.a.ce.

She slipped her hand through Joseph's arm and they walked slowly around the yard, listening to the sounds of the night.

Tonight was rather noisy, as section B set off in pursuit of the drones. Just after Helen had released Fifi, she heard the tell-tale ice-cream-van music of one of the Happiness Patrol jeeps pa.s.sing close by the yard on its way to Forum Square. It was being driven by a rather grumpy Gilbert M, whose bad mood was partly because he was a scientist and resented being press-ganged into helping the Happiness Patrol just because they had an emergency on their hands, and partly because he was fed up to the back teeth of the warmongering screams coming from Priscilla P in the pa.s.senger seat.

'Over there!' shrieked Priscilla P, pointing at a shape in the road.

'What?' grunted Gilbert, not even attempting to disguise the anger in his voice.

'A killjoy in the shadows. Dark coat, drooping shoulders, a tear glistening on his cheek. 'Summary execution?' she asked hopefully.

'Not this time, Priscilla,' groaned Gilbert. 'Save it for the drones.'

The Doctor was strolling backwards and forwards across the top of the Forum steps, twiddling his thumbs and glancing every now and then at his watch. He knew how fast Ace walked, where she was coming from, and roughly when she had left, and was trying to estimate her arrival time. When he had done this he hunted around for something else to keep him occupied it was then that he noticed the microphone. He walked back and forth several times more before he decided to do it. After checking that there was no one about, he tapped the microphone to test it, and then took it off its stand.

After a final check that he was alone, he held the microphone close to his mouth and sang.

'It's still the same old story,' crooned the Doctor, 'a fight for love and glory, a case of do or die.'

It wasn't a pleasant sound. He frowned at the microphone and replaced it in the stand. 'Perhaps not,' he said to no one in particular. And then he heard the final notes of the tune drifting across the square, answering his singing. It was the familiar haunting tone of the harmonica.

'Earl!' said the Doctor, as the musician bounded up the steps towards him.

'The drones are on their way,' said Earl, pocketing his harmonica.

'Thank you, Earl,' said the Doctor. 'It's all falling nicely into place. As time goes by,' he added. Earl laughed at the Doctor's reference to the song.

The Doctor was already working out just exactly who he was expecting. 'We've got Ace arriving first, with her guards, of course, and you're bringing the drones, which only leaves the Happiness Patrol section sent by Helen A to make us all disappear in the nastiest possible way.'

Earl didn't know that there was going to be such a party.

'Sounds complicated,' he said.

'Nonsense,' said the Doctor, 'it's simplicity itself. But you have to help me - and you'll have to get the time just right.'

'What sort of time would you like, Doctor?' asked Earl, producing the harmonica. 'How about this?' He played a s.n.a.t.c.h of music.

'Play it by ear, Earl.' said the Doctor.

As Earl ran down the steps and out of the square to fetch the drones, the Doctor pulled out his pocket watch and consulted it. 'Now,' he said to himself. A few moments later, Daisy K led Ace, Susan Q and the Happiness Patrol unit into the square. The Doctor stepped up to the microphone. 'You're late,' he said.

'Doctor!' shouted Ace. Although she was relieved to see him again, she had always had a feeling that he would turn up sooner or later.

'You've no idea how happy I am to see you, Ace,' said the Doctor, his voice booming round the square and echoing front the buildings opposite the Forum.

'Sorry to keep you, Doctor,' said Daisy, her voice full of mock sincerity, 'But now it's funtime!'

The Happiness Patrol formed into firing squad formation at the bottom of the steps, aiming up at the Doctor. 'Have a nice death, Doctor,' grinned Daisy K, her teeth picking out the light from a nearby streetlamp.

The Doctor was defenceless. Ace was worried. 'Doctor!'

she shouted, urging him to make a run for it.

But the Doctor seemed nonchalant as ever. 'It's all right, Ace,' he called down to her, moving away from the microphone. 'They can't fire. Because they see before them a happy man,' he chuckled, smiling broadly for the benefit of the Happiness Patrol. 'And their logic will tell them, twisted as it is, that as such they have no power over me.'

The Doctor was right. The members of the firing squad, who could follow his reasoning but had never thought about it before, were confused. Some lowered their weapons. Others looked to Daisy K for guidance, but she appeared to be as confused as the rest of them.

'Of course,' continued the Doctor, 'some days I may feel a little grouchy perhaps, a wee bit bad-tempered...'

The Happiness Patrol saw a glimmer of hope and raised their weapons into the firing position again. But the Doctor was only teasing' ...but today isn't one of those days.' He watched the guns lower once more. 'Because today,' he ended triumphantly, grinning from ear to ear, 'the Doctor and the drones are having a ball!'

As he spoke, right on cue, Earl led the drones into the Forum Square. Ace had seen their gloomy procession earlier in the evening and watched in amazement as they threw off their black cloaks and jackets to reveal pink working dungarees, and started dancing and clapping to the lively jig Earl was playing on his harmonica.

Watching this, Daisy K and the Happiness Patrol unit began to look even more depressed the drones were protected by their happiness. In short, everyone was having a good time except the members of the Happiness Patrol.

The festivities in the square were now interrupted by the arrival of the convoy of jeeps, including the one driven by Gilbert M, carrying the guards of section B of the Happiness Patrol, with their orders to wipe out the drones.

The jeeps screeched to a halt and the guards jumped out and lined up before the drones, who were now doing a conga up and down the Forum's steps.

The Doctor rushed back to the microphone when he saw the guards preparing their fun guns. 'You can't do it, Happiness Patrol section B,' he told them. 'You can't go down in the history of the galaxy as a bunch of partyp.o.o.pers.' He waved towards Daisy K's forlorn unit, standing to one side of the square.' The only killjoys in this square,' he said, 'are behind you!' He watched with satisfaction as section B turned as one woman on their miserable colleagues. 'Look at them!' cried the Doctor, beginning to enjoy the pleasures of oratory, 'Wretched, snivelling creatures, wallowing in their own...' The Doctor couldn't think of the word.

'Weltschmerz!' cried a voice from one of the cars. It was Gilbert M, who wouldn't have missed this for the world.

The Doctor waved his thanks. 'Wallowing in their own Weltschmerz,' he announced, rolling the word round his mouth. Section B advanced on the hapless unit. 'All except Ace and Susan Q, of course,' added the Doctor quickly, 'who are very glad to see me.' Ace and Susan Q laughed deliriously, and ran unchallenged through the ranks of the Happiness Patrol. In the confusion Ace even managed to knock Daisy K's gun out of her hands. 'And I'm happy they're glad,' said the Doctor, as they joined him at the top of the steps.

From their vantage point, the Doctor, Ace and Susan Q watched section B form a circle round Daisy K and her guards. 'No!' screamed Daisy K. 'Stop! That's an order!'

But the circle, keenly led by Priscilla, continued to close in until they had overcome the resistance of Daisy K's unit and arrested all the guards, including Daisy herself.

The Doctor's attention, however, was soon elsewhere.

He had noticed an unattended jeep standing beside the stage door, and ran down the steps towards it, shouting to Ace and Susan Q to follow him. 'Into the jeep!' he yelled.

They all dived in and the Doctor tried to work out how to start it. Ace saw that they had been spotted trying to escape by Happiness Patrol guards, who were running towards them.

'Come on, Professor,' she urged, 'get this heap of junk moving!'

'Nice to have you back, Ace,' said the Doctor, as the jeep burst into life, swerving away from the pursuing guards.

The Doctor headed out of the square, slowing down only to allow Earl to hurl himself into the back seat next to Susan Q.

Now that all the active service Happiness Patrol units were deployed at Forum Square, the streets around the execution yard were quiet. Helen A strolled round the yard with Joseph C, listening to the soft muzak flowing out of a tiny concealed speaker. She was glad that she had delegated duties at the late show to Daisy K.

'Lovely evening,' she said softly to Joseph C.

'Yes, dear,' he agreed.

'The sort of evening that makes you happy to be alive.'

There was no reply. 'I said the sort of evening that makes you feel happy to be alive.' This time her voice had a steely edge to it.

'Yes, dear,' said Joseph again, without enthusiasm. 'I'm glad you're happy,' he added for good measure.

'And I'm happy you're glad,' replied Helen A, softened by his concern.

This Alphan idyll was rudely disturbed by loud, crackling interference on the speaker, which obliterated the muzak. The static subsided, to be replaced by a newsflash. Helen A and Joseph C stopped walking and listened.

'Happiness will prevail,' said the newscaster. 'Chaos in Forum Square. Fighting has broken out in the ranks of the Happiness Patrol itself. Happiness will...' The voice faded into a loud burst of static. Soon the muzak was playing again.

Helen A stormed round the yard, walking off her fury.

'However hard I try,' she ranted at Joseph, 'however much work I put in, something always happens.' Joseph shifted uncomfortably. He hated her moods but he knew that any conciliatory noises he tried to make would only inflame the situation. 'Even moments like this aren't sacred,' raved Helen A. She suddenly spun round to face Joseph. 'But one day we'll live in harmony,' she said. 'One day I will be appreciated.'

'Yes, dear,' said Joseph lamely.

'Here,' said Helen A. She handed him the leash which had been wrapped loosely round her wrist. 'You wait for Fifi. I shall obviously have to deal with this myself.'

'Yes, dear.'

Helen A paused before leaving the yard to gather her strength for the battle ahead. In the distance she heard the unmistakable sound of Fifi howling, the sound she made when she was closing on her prey. At least someone is doing her job properly, thought Helen A.

The Doctor slammed on the brakes and the jeep juddered to a halt. They were in a deserted street, silent apart from the distinctive tinkle of muzak from a speaker set high on the wall.

'Here we are,' said the Doctor, jumping out. The others followed him and he led them to a manhole in the middle of the street. Ace helped him remove the cover.

'So where are we going, Professor?' she asked.

'To the top,' said the Doctor, jumping down the hole.

When they were all in the pipe, the Doctor asked them to be quiet and they listened. They waited a minute, two minutes longer. And then they heard what the Doctor was listening for. It was the low, almost beautiful sound of Fifi's howl. 'Come on,' said the Doctor, and strode off down the pipe, leading them in the direction of the noise.

Fifi had picked up the scent of the Pipe People shortly after she had been released down the pipe in the execution yard. Tracking them along the pipes, she could have already made a kill several times. But she was in no hurry.

She didn't enjoy surprise ambushes: she preferred to wear her quarry down, to see the desperation in exhausted eyes before she moved in for the kill.

But the Pipe People weren't ready to give in yet. Wulfric was leading them from the front, refusing to show any sign of weariness, as they scampered down the pipes trying to shake Fifi off their trail. But they had lost their way and were in pipes that they didn't recognize. Hearing Fifi's howls getting closer and closer they took one turning, then, guessing, took another. Suddenly they were faced with a brick wall. The pipe had been closed off.

They were in a dead end.

The howls grew louder. Out of the corner of his eye, Wences saw movements in the shadows. He spun round, his spear raised, ready for throwing.

The Doctor and his party stepped out of the darkness.

'Doctor!' said Wulfric in amazement.

The Doctor doffed his hat. 'Wulfric, Wences.' They heard Fifi howl again. She now sounded very close. 'It's a Stigorax,' said the Doctor. 'Extremely intelligent, ruthless predators.'

'Danger!' said Wences urgently.

'Fifi!' explained Wulfric.

In the jeep Ace had been boasting of her exploits in the pipe with a can of nitro-nine. The Doctor turned to her.

'Ace, this wouldn't be Fifi, as in Fifi the annoying rat who you claim to have blown to smithereens.'

Ace shrugged. 'n.o.body's perfect, Professor.'

'Yes,' sighed the Doctor. 'Including Fifi.' He indicated a small side-tunnel with the end of his umbrella, the entrance of which was concealed behind a wall of encrusted sugar and so had been invisible to the Pipe People. 'This way I think,' he said.

'That way,' said Wences, looking alarmed.

Wulfric was shaking his head. 'Danger!' he said.

But the Doctor just smiled. 'Precisely,' he said. They all followed him into the pipe.

Daisy K was reluctantly playing the one-armed bandit in the waiting zone. After a few failures, she decided she had had enough of this ridiculous charade and turned to Priscilla P, who was standing over her, fun gun at the ready.

'Keep playing!' barked Priscilla P. 'Enjoy yourself!'

Daisy K turned back to the game. 'Strictly speaking, Priscilla P,' she said, as she pulled the handle, 'this game is for killjoys. And I am not a killjoy.'

But Priscilla P was unmoved. 'I spent five years hunting down killjoys.'