Distractions. Part 12

Jumping up and down in excitement caused the record to skip and scratch slightly, which drew a stink eye look from Connor. I mouthed an "oops" before I popped off the headphones and flipped wildly through the records for more music. I became a little braver with old drum and ba.s.s records that I knew I couldn't play, but wanted to listen to anyway. The fast snares and driving ba.s.s lines ripped through the apartment, furiously shaking the gla.s.s windows and picture frames. With a small stack piled at my feet, I cranked up the sound and started to shake my hips and pound my fist into the air. Only half of the song played before he came over and turned down the volume, shaking his head.

"Sorry, Vy." He tapped his foot and looked down, indicating I would be bothering the business below.

Cupping my hands around my mouth, I gave a low "boooooo" before turning off the power.

"I didn't say you had to stop; just turn it down, sweetheart." He walked over to his shelf, leaving me to ponder his choice of words. How easily they slipped off his tongue.

The beauty of dusk pulled me to the windows where I could see the shops closing for the evening. I didn't have to ask why he chose this place. There was a perfect view of Soda Springs Park and the fountains down the street. The other side gave a glimpse of the entrance to the mountains. The silhouette stood against a sky of fiery oranges and pinks.

Connor came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, slowly swaying back and forth to another record. Sliding my palm over his large hands and lacing my fingers in between his, I pulled him tighter against my back. I could feel his heart rate pick up through my shoulder blade. With one quick movement, he grasped my other hand and spun me away, then back in, facing him. Following his lead, we waltzed around the large room. I looked into his eyes and allowed his body to direct my next steps. The seductive tempo sent us effortlessly into a trance while we stared at each other for a long while, both disbelieving this was real.

Once upon a time, he was the only future I saw. In a fraction of second, I could wake up and our true lives would reappear, leaving nothing but splinters of memory. The mind could play cruel tricks like that. I touched his face gently, praying it would not happen. I could not hold my anger against Connor and move on. Even if I didn't stay, I could leave now, knowing that part of me has been put to rest. The atrophy in my heart was beginning to vanish with each pa.s.sing hour. I still loved him despite my hate for him. People cheat and do horrible things all the time. I was just as guilty of being a dishonest person. Who was I to judge him for his wrongs? It was a mistake we have both paid dearly for over many years. When I said yes, it freed him. He was now able to atone for the wrongs that made him the broken man I saw now.

When the record ended, he led me to the back of the apartment into the master bathroom. I smiled as soon as I saw the cavernous shower and the multiple openings in the walls. An electronic panel in the wall caused steam to form slowly as a waterfall of hot water poured from the ceiling. If I were ever to have a dream bathroom, this would be it. A giant steel trough tub was set up in the corner. Round copper sinks rested on rescued antique cabinets, with exposed pendant light bulbs strung from the ceiling. Connor walked over to pull fluffy blue towels from a cupboard that looked to be over a hundred years old.

"You're smiling like you approve." He was beaming at my reaction to the room.

My clothing was peeling off without a second thought. "It's amazing; I have never seen anything like it. Did you do this?"

Stripping down himself, Connor eyed me l.u.s.tfully as I stepped under the soothing water. "I actually thought of you when I designed it."

"Why?" I was curious, because I loved it.

"Bathrooms were your refuge. There was nothing a good soak or shower couldn't fix with you." He smiled affectionately at the memory.

"Um, they still kind of are. I had this great old claw foot tub for a long time when I moved back. It was my best friend." The thought created a sting that started to pierce my stomach.

Connor watched as my mood faltered. "What happened, Violet?" His eyes widened in concern.

Turning my back so he couldn't see how much it pained me, I was getting furious at the way fate kept repeating these moments for me to live out. The last time Connor and I showered together like this was after the bridge incident. My mistakes were becoming demons, taunting me at every turn.

"It's gone." With that, I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. Connor followed behind and spun me around. With the strongest embrace and the deepest kiss, he was resolved on pulling me out of whatever gorge I had fallen into.

"You sure you want my depressed a.s.s around you right now?" I laughed at my sadness in an attempt to ease the pain.

"I don't care what mood your fantastic a.s.s is in; I want you around. I never want to let you go. Now brush your teeth because your breath is awful."

With a playful punch, I went to my bag to grab my toiletry kit and pajamas. As Connor walked into the bedroom to put a pair of shorts on, I studied the tattoos he had across his chest and upper arm. I remembered a few he had gotten earlier in life, but they appeared to have been covered up with much more intricate pieces since then. Colorful koi fish swam through turquoise water and lily pads. A half broken heart was inked on the left side of his chest. Instead of being red like most people choose to tattoo, it was a dark and faded shade of purple. I didn't have to ask what that one was about.

He noticed my eyes wandering over his body and studying that spot. Unconsciously touching it with his fingers was a simple warning he had been burned. A man who chooses a permanent reminder like that wants to remember for a reason. Before I was able to put my shirt on, he traced the outline of the bite on my shoulder, and then kissed it softly.

Crawling under the soft covers, sleep overtook me before I hit the pillow. There were no dreams or nightmares a the world just disappeared. I never thought I would find myself back in Connor Lewis's bed. I should have known better than to say never.

Chapter 23 - Foundations.

She was my rock and she knew it. I felt like a terrible granddaughter for essentially abandoning her that day. The last time I stepped foot in this house, I was just moments from teetering on the edge as a result of Connor's actions and the mess I created. I had to make something of myself so she knew her efforts spent on me were not in vain. She constantly reminded me of how smart I was, saying I could do anything I put my mind to. I inherited her tenacious nature; we never spoke of recklessness, but part of me wondered where that came from, too.

I always felt like Vivienne and I were proof her lineage was substantial. She would always comment about not understanding how my mother could be so detached from reality, when she herself resided in the cold hard truth. Until I grew older, I never understood, either. Streams of sunlight poured in through the old cotton drapes. A fine layer of dust rested upon every surface, undisturbed by our presence.

Connor followed silently as I walked listlessly through every room. I didn't allow myself to come here, since up until yesterday, I thought it was as good as gone. I had already mentally packed up and shipped everything off to donation centers. It's what she would have wanted a to help others. There was nothing in the house I was seeking except the ship. She knew she was getting sick and insisted on visiting me and Vivienne as often as she could. She loved both Cincinnati and Florida. Each time she would make sure to send a small box of things she thought we would want. There were still so many items in every room; I could not find my grandfather's beloved Esperanza. It was packed away long ago, and there was no more time to search for it today.

I walked by Connor, simply tilted my head towards the door, and kept going. Not a word was exchanged between us during the time we were in there. He knew what happened because he tried to come after me. My grandfather told him he would shoot him on sight if he ever caught him on his property again after what he did. I am pretty sure that is what any father or grandfather says to a young man after they break their little lady's heart. Connor took the warning seriously, as he should have, and had not been back except to drop off my belongings in the middle of the night on their front porch with an apology letter. They never told me about either incident. It came out by accident when I called one of their neighbors after my grandfather's death, which happened shortly after I left.

The box was still sitting on a chair in one of the bedrooms I pa.s.sed. I didn't recognize it because I had never seen it. Noticing Connor was not following me, I back tracked my steps to the spare bedroom and found him sitting on the bed, holding a letter.

"What are you looking at?"

His head was bent down while clutching the yellowed piece of notebook paper. "You didn't know, Vy, did you? I tried to say I was sorry. They didn't tell you."

I leaned against the entry of the door, carefully crafting a response. He knew why they didn't tell me just like I did. They knew if I stayed, I would have died. Connor and I were two tornados bound to destroy everything in our path. Separating us was the only hope they had for me coming out of that in one piece.

"Can you blame them?" I left it at that and turned once again to leave. The day was cloudy and snow began to flurry all around. Funerals have a funny way of making the weather add to the ambiance of the day. The Jeep had heated seats that didn't require the engine to be on, so I waited for Connor to lock up and get going.

He opened the door and stepped in slowly with the letter still gripped in his hand. Holding it for a few moments before looking at me, his eyes were growing red as the blood started to fill the vessels from emotional pressure.

"Please read it, Violet. I need you to." His hands trembled as they reached across the divider and waited for me to take it. I wasn't sure I wanted to read what he had to say then. I knew this was important to him, so I gently pried the folded paper from his fingers and opened it up. In the world of digital communication, a handwritten letter is a rare commodity. You know when you receive one that the author took a great deal of time conveying what they felt. Every word was written with precision, which made me wonder how many drafts he completed before finishing the final product I now held. It was not long a just half a page or so. That was all it took to rip every piece down to the foundation.

My sweet Violet, I f.u.c.ked up. I know I did real badly. I have nightmares about that look on your face when you walked in on us. I didn't mean for it to happen. That ain't an excuse. You have given me more chances than I deserved. I don't know where you are. I can't find you and I am going out of my mind. I can't eat or sleep. Drugs and drinkin' don't do a d.a.m.n thing to make the pain stop. I know I can't call your dad, and you stopped talking to everyone else.

I don't blame you for running away from me. I knew I was gonna hurt you. I don't want to, but I manage to keep doing it. I hope someday you can forgive me. I know I am never going to see you again and it's my own d.a.m.n fault. I deserve these nightmares. Since I know it's never going to be me, I want you to find someone who can treat you the way you should be. He'd better worship the ground you walk on, because any man who doesn't is going to be as broken as me.

I will love you forever, Violet Phillips.

Connor I clenched my jaw in a useless attempt to hold back the tears...not just for the man who was sitting next to me, but for the other one I left behind. I did find someone who loved me completely, and I ran. I knew it must have hurt him, but after seeing Connor in this moment, I couldn't bear the thought of what I truly did. Yeah, Connor screwed up, but Shepard never did a not once. I ran from pain; it was easier than facing it, but you can't out-run yourself...

Chapter 24 - Broken Vows.

I had asked for big band music to be played during the service because that is what my grandma wanted. She told me on several occasions, "Don't be sad when I die, because I won't be. I will be with Jesus, not in the ground." She requested to be cremated and have her ashes spread off the mountain side facing Colorado Springs. The snow prevented us from getting up there today, and it would be best to do during warmer weather.

I had to come back to clean out the house, but now that Connor had bought it, I had time. He was sitting in a chair at the edge of the room, letting me speak to everyone and accept their condolences. Vivienne came up behind me while glancing at him and whispered, "She would be furious to know he was here. I am not happy one iota about this, Violet, but it's your life. Just do me a favor and be smart. Yeah, he bought the ranch, but what is it going cost you?"

With that, she plastered on her bright smile and went about the room, speaking words of encouragement. Connor witnessed the exchange and I knew it was concerning him. Looking back over to Vivienne, he caught her evil glare. If people were not in mourning, they may have noticed, but no one did. Everyone began to slowly enter the sanctuary for the service. Grandma didn't want anything too fancy, so it would be short and sweet. We waited for everyone to go in first a Vivienne ahead of me. I grabbed Connor's hand and opened the heavy wooden door. Pausing for a second, the irony of the situation made me smirk.

"Well, you kept one promise; you always said one day you were going to walk me down the aisle." I tried to laugh to keep from crying more.

Everyone turned around to watch us as we made our way up the path, fingers interlaced. I squeezed his hand tightly while nearing the altar and the pastor standing in the middle. The bitter sweetness of this moment made my legs feel like lead. Connor looked down at me and grabbed my elbow to offer more support. My tears of grief encompa.s.sed not just the one life lost.

Once I was seated, the preacher began. His booming voice filled the room, echoing slightly through the rafters.

"Each of us is born with a purpose, a calling from the Almighty. Too often, we are distracted by the world to walk in that destiny. Our lives are cluttered with obligations and circ.u.mstances that prevent us from the fullness we can experience through reconciliation. Christ does not look at the outside of a man, but into his heart. When Christ looked at Melody Latham, he beamed with pride at his child and how she loved him and those around her. She opened her home to anyone who needed a hot meal, or a place to stay for a while. Now, we all know she had a backbone made of steel and when crossed, she would put you in your place, but few ever had need or desire to find out."

Connor looked down, no doubt thinking about how everything happened. Lacing my arm underneath his, I tried to convey rea.s.surance. His sweating palm and shaking knee calmed a little at my gesture. Using my other hand to gently ma.s.sage his upper arm, we rested our heads against each other, secure in our coc.o.o.n of solace.

I managed to laugh as people told humorous stories about both of my grandparents and us girls. There were so many people there that I didn't even notice Connor's parents come in the back door. After the service, they were waiting in the reception area for us. His mother, JoEllen, was tearing up at the sight of me. With outstretched arms, she pulled me close to her chest and began to bawl loudly.

"Oh, little Violet, how I have missed you. Charles and I both have a so much. Why didn't you keep in touch with us?" She looked genuinely wounded by my lack of communication.

Charles' jaw tensed while he looked at a sullen Connor. Reaching up to rub my shoulders, he smiled affectionately and addressed his wife. "She's made something of herself; Connor tells me she's a doctor now. We knew she would go far, didn't we, Jo?"

This unprompted reunion gave equal amounts of guilt and joy. They were happy to see me, which was all that mattered. It never even crossed my mind they would be upset I left. I only thought of myself. Connor's actions were selfish, yet they too affected everyone around him. I had enough sadness for today; I asked Charles and JoEllen if they wanted to have dinner with us. They politely declined and hugged me tightly before leaving. Before walking away, Charles turned to Connor.

"Not everyone gets second chances, son. Don't ruin yours." He smiled at me and then left.

Connor looked more crushed than I had ever seen him before; I knew he was done, too. I found Vivienne and told her I was leaving. Her flight headed out later in the evening, so we hugged and I promised to call her. She once again refused another dinner with us. Not wanting to deal with anymore friction, I put on my coat and kissed the last guest good-bye. Connor walked with me to the lot and opened the door without a word. I waited for him to look at me before I got in. He wouldn't, though; he looked everywhere else but at me.

With two leather gloved hands, I held his face gently and turned it up towards mine. He looked more like a child than a grown man. In that moment, I saw outside of myself and a glimpse of the bigger picture. I wasn't the only one being confronted with my mistakes. The weight of the world was crashing down on his shoulders while he tried to make some shelter over mine.

This karmic collision course was not an accident. The urgency in my soul started to press forth, feeling physically uncomfortable in my skin; the only thing that would sooth it was forgiveness. I reached out and pulled him close, refusing to let go first. He clung back, saturating my neck in warm tears, as I soaked his chest in mine. An eternity pa.s.sed before we broke the embrace. Two wet, reddened faces greeted each other while wiping snot away from our noses.

With a laugh, I managed to sob out, "Why does crying have to be so ugly?"

As Connor started to walk around to his door, I grabbed his arm to pull him back. Kissing him softly, I could feel the peace wash over us both. He beamed at me while helping me up into the seat.

"I'd like to take you somewhere, Violet...somewhere special. Can I do that? You have to stay an extra day, but it would mean a lot to me."

Not really having a reason to decline, I simply nodded my head.

"I would like to go somewhere special."

Putting the Jeep into gear and backing up slowly, he rested his hand on my thigh with a grin.

"We need to pack then; we will leave in the morning. It's quite a drive and I want to take my time getting there."

Chapter 25 - Shooting Stars.

"Get up, Vy. We need to go now; it's a long drive." Connor gently shook my shoulders, attempting to rouse me from the comatose state I was drifting through. Sleepily rubbing my eyes and pulling my boots on, I stumbled to the door and down the steps, grabbing a fleece blanket off the sofa along the way. I wasn't ready to wake up, and he was driving. He helped me tilt the seat into a reclined position and loaded the rest of our things in the back. We were just pa.s.sing through the small town of Penrose when the sun had enough of my slumber.

"Morning, gorgeous. Good timing; I need to get gas. We're going to stop in Canyon City a are you hungry?" Stretching and yawning like a cat in a windowsill, my bones cracked from lying uncomfortably for so long.

"Mmm...coffee...wait. Canyon? Can we go by the bridge?" With it still fresh on my mind from the dream, part of me wanted to revisit such an important part of my past.

"Your a.s.s ain't jumping a not in this cold weather, so don't even think about it." Connor knew I would never do such thing, but he warned me nonetheless.

I sneered at his comment and pulled my hat down over my eyes for a little longer. Not a half hour later, the Jeep pulled into a gas station where I got out and stretched to take in my surroundings. Canyon City was no different from every other town in Colorado. The growth was incredible. Homes sprawled along the horizon as far as the eye could see. Connor was smart to join his parents in land development, as Colorado was a gold mine. It made me happy he was able to make something of his life and not succ.u.mb as so many others did to the lifestyle we chose. It was not uncommon to hear of an old friend overdosing or going to jail. I would wait tentatively for the phone call or email that he too had been taken, but it never came.

He smiled casually as he hopped back in and waited for me. The bridge was just on the edge of the city and took less than ten minutes to reach. The path behind the parking lot remained carved by kids who trekked to jump every summer. Although slightly muddy from the snow, it was manageable to navigate. I didn't need to walk across the trestle. The rushing water below was loud enough to sate my curiosity. I could close my eyes and go right back to that afternoon. The air was crisper, yet it was just as I remembered. Connor wrapped his arms around my waist and nuzzled into my neck.

"Violet, I was so scared that night. I know I joked, but knowing you could have gotten hurt bothered me for a long time, because it would have been my fault. I kept calling for you and you weren't answering. I will never forget it; it was awful."

As he squeezed me tighter, the voice in the back of my mind readied a sharp retort, but then ceased. I had to stop being so selfish and see how my actions affected other people. Yes, I almost got hit by the train, but he would have witnessed it. That too would have been a tragedy.

"Well, thankfully it didn't." I had seen enough and was satisfied. I moved out of his embrace and started to walk back.

"Vy, wait up. What's your deal?" Connor was upset I was walking so quickly back to the Jeep, but I wanted to get away. I didn't know what I was thinking, coming back here a what I would hope to gain. It was like being in a car wreck and seeing photos of the car. You know what happened, but you're removed from it.

His hand grabbed my shoulders, causing me to come to a halt.

"Violet. Talk to me. You wanted to come here, but now you're all p.i.s.sy."

I stopped and hung my head. With closed eyes, I turned around towards him. He didn't ask for this. He was trying to make me happy and it kept blowing up in his face.

"How many chances does a person get before they run out? My whole life, I have barely escaped one accident after another. Most of them are caused by my own stubbornness and stupidity, but I can't stop, no matter how hard I try. I run headfirst into the storm, despite being ripped to shreds in the past. I am tired, Connor a really, I am."

I backed away and turned towards the parking lot, walking slowly. He followed me and waited as I crawled back into my seat and laid down. I knew I was acting like a child, but I didn't care. Whatever this thing I was going through was another wall I intended on breaking down. My past was a lead ball I was done carrying around. Although I was doing well with forgiveness, forgetting was a luxury that evaded me.

The rest of the drive was relatively quiet as we headed even further south across the Continental Divide. High up in the mountains, the snow thickened and created a winter wonderland. My feet were propped up on the dashboard while I worked on my laptop. Connor would peek occasionally and ask what it was. I would turn the screen and show the skews of data across the page that would make him shake his head and laugh.

"I always knew you were smart...too smart to be with me. I never figured that one out, but then again, I knew better than to question it."

He grabbed my hand and kissed the knuckles without taking his eyes off the road and kept smiling. We soon pulled into a small gravel parking lot full of four wheel drive vehicles. Many were covered with stickers and ski racks. I saw the sign that indicated we were in Buena Vista as we drove through the small town before turning off the side road, although I had no idea where we were. I knew a few ski resorts were around this area, but this was different. We sat at the base of two snow-capped mountains, and a lodge type building was surrounded by a few other structures and smaller cabins.

"Where are we?" I looked around while placing my fingers on the door handle.

Connor was ecstatic as he jumped down and ran around the front of the Jeep to my side. "Come on, let's go!"

I slid down the side of the seat into his waiting arms. His lips hovered over mine for a moment before softly kissing me. After checking in, we were lead to one of the small cabins. The room was very simple; there was no television or telephone, but it had a king sized bed, a dresser and a basic bathroom. We were informed that the sewer system utilized the hot spring water and the toilets were warm to the touch because of it, so to flush conservatively.

I raised my eyebrows at the hippy tour guide we had showing us around the room and then off to the back where a private door led to a small secluded deck. A wooden tub had steam coming out from underneath the cover. A small temperature gauge read how hot the water really was and we were given directions on how to modify the heat. Water ran continuously from the hot spring into the tubs. Once the lecture was complete on the workings of the s.p.a.ce, we were left alone once again.

"I don't have a bathing suit, Connor." I looked at the tub and then peered down the hill at the pools below.

He laughed while stripping down to his briefs. "This is a clothing optional hot spring. You will see tonight once everyone arrives."

I stopped dead in my tracks at the thought of a giant pool full of nude people. My lip started to curl up in disgust. I had my tastes, but I could only imagine what some visitors would look like in the buff. Just as the thought crossed my mind, a couple I imagined to be in their late seventies took off their robes and stepped into the steaming water. The woman's b.r.e.a.s.t.s looked like tube socks hanging off of her chest. Her pubic area was gray and wild. The man had no bottom a simply flaps of flesh hanging from his back end. I tried to turn away, but I couldn't.