Digger Smith Part 7

They've been conspirin' for a week or more About this Digger Smith, an' now they dream They've got 'is fucher waitin' in cool store To 'and 'im out, an' fix 'im up for life.

But they've got Buckley's, as I tells me wife.

I've seen 'em whisperin' up in our room.

Now they wants me to join in the debate; But, "Nix," I tells 'em. "I ain't in the boom, An' Digger Smith ain't risin' to me bait; 'E's fur too fly a fish for me to catch, An' two designin' women ain't 'is match."

I puts me foot down firm, an' tells 'em, No!

Their silly plan's a thing I wouldn't touch.

An' then me wife, for 'arf an hour or so, Talks to me confident, of nothin' much; Then, 'fore I know it, I am all red 'ot Into the scheme, an' leader uv the plot.

'Twas Mar Flood starts it. She got 'old uv 'im-- You know the way they 'ave with poor, weak men-- She drops a tear or two concernin' Jim; Tells 'im wot women 'ave to bear; an' then She got 'im talkin', like a woman can.

'E never would 'ave squeaked to any man.

She leads 'im on--It's crook the way they scheme To talk about this girl 'e's left be'ind.

Not that she's pryin'! Why, she wouldn't dream!-- But speakin' uv it might jist ease 'is mind.

Then, 'fore 'e knows, 'e's told, to 'is su'prise, Name an' address--an' colour uv 'er eyes!

An' then she's off 'ere plottin' with Doreen-- Bustin' a confidence, I tells 'em, flat.

But all me roustin' leaves 'em both serene Women don't see a little thing like that.

An' I ain't cooled off yet before they've got Me workin' for 'em in this crooked plot.

Nex' day Mar Flood she takes 'er Sund'y dress An' 'er best little bonnet up to town.

'Er game's to see the girl at this address An' word 'er in regard to comin' down To take Smith be su'prise. My part's to fix A meetin' so there won't be any mix.

I tips, some'ow, that girl won't 'esitate.

She don't. She comes right back with Mar nex' day, All uv a fl.u.s.ter. When I seen 'er state I thinks I'd best see Digger straight away; 'Cos, if I don't, 'e's bound to 'ear the row, With 'er: "Where is 'e? Can't I see 'im now?"

I finds 'im in the padd.i.c.k down at Flood's.

I 'ums an' 'ars a bit about the crops.

'E don't say nothin': goes on baggin' spuds.

"'Ow would yeh like," I sez to 'im, an' stops.

"'Ow would it be" ... 'E stands an' looks at me "Now, wot the 'Ell's got into you?" sez 'e.

That don't restore me confidence a bit.

The drarmer isn't goin' as I tipped.

I corfs, an' makes another shot at it; While 'e looks at me like 'e thinks I'm dipped.

"Well--jist suppose," I sez; an' then I turn An' see 'er standin' there among the fern.

She don't want no prelimin'ries, this tart; She's broke away before they rung the bell; She's beat the gun, an' got a flyin' start.

Smith makes a funny noise, an' I sez, "'Ell"

Because I tumbles that I'm out uv place: But, as I went, I caught sight uv 'er face.

That's all I want to know. An', as I ran, I 'ears 'er cry, "My man! Man an' a 'arf!

Don't fool me with yer talk uv 'arf a man!"... .

An' then I 'ears ole Digger start to larf.

It was a funny larf, so 'elp me bob: Fair in the middle uv it come a sob... .

I don't see Digger till the other night.

"Well, 'Arf-a-man," I sez. "'Ow goes it now?"

"Yes, 'arf a man," sez 'e. "Yeh got it right; I can't change that, alone, not any'ow.

But she is mendin' things." 'E starts to larf.

"Some day," 'e sez, "she'll be the better 'arf."

XI. SAWIN' WOOD

Sawin' Wood

I WONDERED wot was doin'. First I seen Ole Missus Flood wave signals to Doreen.

I'm in the padd.i.c.k slashin' down some ferns; She's comin' up the road; an' if she turns An 'andspring I won't be su'prised a bit, The way she's caperin', an' goin' it.

She yells out some remark when she gets near, Which I don't catch, I'm too fur off to 'ear.

An' then Doreen comes prancin' to our door, An' Missus Flood she sprints, an' yells some more; My wife runs to the gate an' waves 'er arms... .

But I lays low; I'm used to these alarms.

A marri'd bloke, in time, 'e learns a bit; An' 'e ain't over keen to throw a fit Each time the women calls the fire-reel out.

It's jist a trifle 'e'll know all about When things get normal. That's a point I learn; So I saws wood, an' keeps on cuttin' fern.

At least, I cut a few. I got to give Reel fac's, an' own I was inquisitive; An' these 'ere fireworks gets me fair perplexed.

I watch the 'ouse to see wot 'appens next; But nothin's doin'. They jist goes on in, An' leaves me wonderin' wot's caused the din.

I stands it for a full 'arf-hour or more; Then gets dead sick uv starin' at the door.

I goes down to the 'ouse an' 'unts about To find some 'baccer, which I 'ave no doubt Is in me trousers pocket all the while.

When I goes in, the talk stops, an' they smile.

I sez I've lost me smoke, an' search a bit, An' ask Doreen wot 'as became uv it, An' turns the mantelshelf all upside-down, An' looks inside the teapot, with a frown; Then gives it up, an' owns I'd like a drink; When Missus Flood sez, "Bill, _wot do you think_?"

Now, ain't that like a woman? Spare me days, I'll never get resigned to all their ways.

When they 'as news to tell they smile, an' wink, An' bottle it, an' ask yeh wot yeh think.

It's jist a silly game uv theirs, an' so, I gives the countersign: "Wot? I dunno."

"Then guess," she sez. Well, I'm a patient bloke, So I sits down an' starts to cut a smoke.

(To play this game yeh've got to persevere.) "Couldn't," I sez, "if I guessed for a year"; Then lights me pipe, an' waits for 'er to speak.

At last she sez, "_Jim's comin' back next week_!"

"Go on," sez I; an' puffs away awhile Quite unconcerned. But for to see 'er smile Was jist a treat: 'er eyes was shinin' bright, An' she'd grow'd ten years younger in a night.

Jist 'ere, Doreen she sez to me, "Good Lor, Wot do yeh want _two_ plugs uv 'baccer for?"

I takes me pipe out uv me mouth an' stares, An' stammers, "Must 'ave found a piece--somewheres."

But, by the way she smiles--so extra sweet-- I know she twigs me game, an' I am beat.

"Fancy," she sez. "Yeh're absent-minded, dear.

Sure there was nothin' else yeh wanted 'ere?"

"Nothin'," I sez, an' feels a first-prize fool; An' goes outside, an' grabs the nearest tool.

It was the crosscut; so I works like mad To keep me self-respeck from goin' bad.

"This game," I tells meself, "will do yeh good.

You ain't proficient, yet, at sawin' wood."