Desperately Seeking... Part 14

'Don't be silly, Keith. You know best in these things.'

'Mum!'

It never ceases to amaze me how she can come out of a row with Dad about how n.o.body listens to her and n.o.body cares what she thinks to tell another man to do exactly the same thing to her daughter.

Keith could sense the temperature rising so he admired the garden. Dad did the work but Mum was proud of it too. She just wished the work had been done by a gardener.

'Both of the houses we looked at had nice gardens,' Keith said. 'I could really see myself doing something with them. I must get a few pointers from Mr Delahunty on the best way to start.'

'Oh, David will know what to do.'

At this point Dad joined us and took Keith off to show him something he had done with a creeping rose that was quite spectacular. Dad was fond of Keith; I think he found his company soothing.

'Lucy was here the other day,' Mum said, as soon as they were out of earshot. 'She brought a friend with her.'

'Oh?'

'Yes, a very nice girl. Iris Iris Considine. I think I knew her mother at one time. They used to live near us in Ballykeefe. She was a lovely girl, very nice manners.'

'Oh, Iris...'

'It was nice of Lucy to bring her. I don't know why you all stopped bringing your friends round.'

'So,' I asked, all innocence, 'what was she like?'

'Iris? I told you, a lovely girl.'

'Right. Did Lucy have any news?'

'She's worse than you she never has any news. But she was looking well. I worry about her sometimes.'

'Oh, Lucy's fine, Mum. She can take care of herself.'

'It's not a question of that, it's more... Well, I never know if Lucy's happy. Out of all of you, she's the hardest one to read.'

'Oh.' Had I misjudged my mother? Was she really taking that much notice? 'Mum,' I said, after a while, 'Keith and I came over to talk about dates for the wedding. We wanted to make sure we didn't clash with anything else that was going on.'

I was amazed by my own consideration, but in fact I was just eager to start talking about the wedding. When I'd mentioned the idea to Keith he was decidedly less excited than I'd thought he would be. 'What's the matter?' I had asked. 'I thought you were dying to get this sorted.'

'I am,' he said, 'but I have a lot on my mind at the moment with work. I'd rather think about it when I'm less ha.s.sled. Why don't you have a chat with your mother? We can go from there.' I had agreed, but I wasn't happy about it.

Mum, meanwhile, had loads to say on the matter.

'Well, I presume you're thinking about next summer. I don't agree with winter weddings, not when people have to travel. Summer is the time to get married. Now, June can be lovely, but the weather's dicey and, besides, your father's always busy in June. July, I like, but you have a cousin getting married next July. Then August can seem a long time to wait once the summer arrives but it...' She wittered on and on with her non-objections to all the possible times for getting married.

Maybe Keith was right and this wasn't a good time to talk about it. I changed the subject and enquired after the rest of the family, which I dread doing because you never know where it will lead. But it seemed everyone was doing well at the moment; no aunt was having a menopausal crisis, no cousin had been caught doing anything newsworthy, no uncle had done something terrible to an aunt.

The news of Anna and her trip was positive and Mum had been planning the party. She was going out on an optimistic limb, she said, and had decided to have it outside. She was hiring a marquee and borrowing a barbecue from Marion and Nick. She already had outside lights from last Christmas (Mike had set them up) and she was going to invest in a couple of those patio gas heaters that everybody was talking about. She was as animated as I'd seen her in a long time.

When Dad and Keith joined us, after an extensive tour of the garden, I could see that Dad was tired. It reminded me to ask them, tentatively (they both hate getting bulldozed into anything), if they'd thought about a holiday this year. They spoke together, almost as if they'd prepared speeches. Mum's excuse was Anna coming home and the planning that needed to be done for her visit, and Dad went on about holidays being more stressful than staying at home. I gave up and suggested they think about it again in September when everything would have quietened down. We went inside, where an elaborate table was laid with salad for three and steak for one.

That evening we were silent on the way home; perhaps I should have been more concerned that Keith wasn't as enthusiastic as I'd expected, but I was preoccupied. I'd convinced myself that I was over Daniel's reappearance, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. About him and us and Keith and me and what it all meant. I was over Daniel, of that much I was sure. I regretted ever having got involved with him. I regretted the pain it had caused his family but mainly I regretted the pain it had caused me. Then, for the first time, I wondered if my relationship with Keith was built on running away from Daniel. After all, they were the polar opposites of each other. Daniel was exciting, dangerous, callous and possibly amoral, while Keith was safe, solid, loving and profoundly moral. Having played the femme fatale femme fatale with one man, was I now merely playing a different game with the other? It had been so easy to run from Daniel, and the memory of all I was (and was not) with him, to the security of a man who would make me a better person if I just breathed the same air he did. And, yes, I did love him I couldn't be planning to marry him if I didn't love him. But did I love him more for what he could be for me than for what he was himself? with one man, was I now merely playing a different game with the other? It had been so easy to run from Daniel, and the memory of all I was (and was not) with him, to the security of a man who would make me a better person if I just breathed the same air he did. And, yes, I did love him I couldn't be planning to marry him if I didn't love him. But did I love him more for what he could be for me than for what he was himself?

And why, after all I had told myself, was I still unable to shake certain thoughts (terrible, terrifying, irresistible thoughts) from my mind?

12.

The following Sat.u.r.day I had a lunch date with Colette. We hadn't seen each other in ages but we could go for years without and then, as they say, pick up where we left off. Y et meeting her now, after only a couple of months, I couldn't remember where we had left off. I couldn't remember what I had told her and what I was keeping to myself. It felt odd and not very pleasant because I was used to being open with her.

We met in Poons, the new rooftop restaurant on top of Limerick's oldest department store. It was large, white and airy and made me think of places like Harvey Nichols and Harrods (especially when I looked at the prices). She still looked wonderful. If that was what having kids and running a household did for you, I might just sign up some day. In fact, part of our lunch date was to include a trip to the beauty parlour, which Colette does regularly, for a facial and a ma.s.sage.

'Utterly inessential,' she says, 'but absolutely necessary.'

Whenever she has a day out, she reverts right back to the Colette I knew as a teenager. I don't know if it's an unconscious loosening of her present life as soon as she's away from it, or something she does especially for me so I won't be bored by the things I don't have. Either way, it means I love being in her company.

'So,' she began, as we took our seats by a breathtaking view of the Shannon, 'what's all this I've been hearing about your wayward sisters leaving their husbands and becoming lesbians?' In fairness, the texts I'd been sending her in an attempt to maintain contact must have been tantalizing.

'Oh, you know, run-of-the-mill stuff for my family,' I said.

'Go on, give me details. Jean left Mike. How could she do that? Mike's gorgeous. I used to have a crush on him at one time.'

'Did you really?' I said quickly. 'When?'

'Oh, for ever ago. When we were kids. But go on...'

'Well, I've told you most of it. She wants to go it alone. She...' And I proceeded to tell Colette everything as I had become aware of it, from dealing with a devastated Mike to his and Jean's now, seemingly, amicable separation. It didn't seem all that sensational in the retelling.

'And it's for good, no trials or anything?'

'Oh, it's for good. The house is sold and Mike has already bought a new one. I don't think Jean could cope with a house purchase at the moment. She's happy staying with me and I like having her around. That's something else new we're the best of friends now.'

'And you two used to hate each other.' She paused a while. 'I always did think it was strange they never had kids not because I have them but, you know, most couples do, eventually, if they can.'

'Yeah, but I believe her when she says she never wants children. I mean, if you were going to have a baby with anyone, wouldn't you have one with Mike?'

'Yes! Apart from the obvious good genes and that he'd be an absolutely brilliant father, you wouldn't have to lift a finger. He'd be the kind of guy who'd do the night feeds and the sterilizing and the nappy changes...'

'All the burping and mopping up...'

'All the bathing and powdering...'

'He'd even breastfeed if he could...'

We were laughing wildly now. That's another great thing about Colette she's as straight as can be most of the time but she has a great quirky side too.

'I still can't get over it,' she went on. 'I mean, I know it's nothing new or anything I hear about a couple breaking up every day but I never expected it to be them. I always thought of them as one of those couples who seem to have nothing in common yet they're devoted to each other. Whatever brought them together in the first place would last for ever. You know what I mean?'

'Yeah. I always thought something like that about them too.'

'So he's doing well, then?' she asked. 'Any new women on the scene?'

'Don't appear to be.'

'He's a great catch. I'm almost sorry I'm happily married.'

'Yeah...'

'And Lucy? She's a dark one. When did all of this come about?'

I could tell that Colette was trying not to appear too gossipy but she couldn't help it. Unlike the break-up, going gay was not something she heard about in her circle every other day.

'Lucy is so happy with herself, these days. I mean I agree with you, she took her time, but I dare say it's not the same for everyone. Some people know all their lives that they're gay, others, obviously, realize slowly. I was talking to her only last night and she was telling me more about this woman who sort of helped her along the way. Initially she said she didn't think it was any more than a very good friendship. She thought of Iris as a mentor, but that's all changed now and they're something of a couple. She says she can't get over how different it is to be in a relationship with a woman. Everything is different, she says. There are no games, no compet.i.tions, no decoding of what the other is thinking, and the s.e.x is just so relaxing.'

'Relaxing?'

'Yeah, I think she meant everything around the s.e.x, not the s.e.x itself, which I imagine is far from relaxing. Actually, it sounds like it might be a lot of hard work. But, you know, there's no big song and dance about it. I think she meant they both want the same thing.'

'Well, good for her. I'm glad things are working out for Lucy. She's an amazing girl, but she always seemed to be missing something.'

'Oh, G.o.d, aren't we all?' I hadn't intended that to sound as desperate as it did.

Colette looked at me quizzically. 'So, have you not found it yet?'

'What I'm looking for? Oh, G.o.d, Colette, I don't know what I want. You won't believe it, but Daniel's back.'

'What? Back with you?'

'No, no, G.o.d, no.' I had to shake my head to rid myself of the notion. 'No, he's just back hanging around. Calling to the flat, ringing me at work.'

'And what does he want?'

'Oh, to start things up again. It seems that now the fifth baby is born, things are a little hectic in the O'Hanlon household. He's obviously not getting any at the moment...'

Our waitress had been hovering for ever, so it was time we looked at our menus and ordered something.

'Are we drinking wine?' asked Colette.

'Definitely,' I answered.

'That man should be taken out and have his b.a.l.l.s cut off,' she said matter-of-factly.

I smiled. I told her about the first time he'd called to the flat and the wreck I'd become at the sight of him.

'And he's been back since?'

'Twice! Thank G.o.d Keith has never been there.'

'What did you say to him?'

'Well, after the first time, I was a lot calmer and better able to put it clearly and succinctly to him that I never, ever wanted to see him again. I was actually a little surprised at myself. I thought that, maybe, after everything we'd been through and I really did believe he was the true love of my life that there'd be something, some tiny regret maybe that it couldn't have worked out. I mean, there he was, on my doorstep, offering me everything I'd wanted less than a year before.'

'But there was nothing?'

'Nothing but revulsion.'

'Strong word.'

'Strong feeling. I wasted so much of my time and energy and love on that man, and he's just not worth it. Any man who would cheat on his wife and kids has to be sc.u.m.'

The waitress arrived with our starters and two gla.s.ses of cold wine.

'Well, that's got to be good. I mean, if you'd been having any doubts about yourself and Keith...'

'The truth is I've been having doubts about myself and Keith since the very beginning. I only said yes to him because I couldn't work out how to say no. And if I had said no, that would have been the end and I didn't want it to end. Being with Keith is so relaxing.'

'Almost as if he was a lesbian.'

We laughed.

'It's not funny, you know,' I continued, wiping away the wine that had come down my nose. 'Here I am trying to sort my life out and you're just mocking.'

'I'm not... I'm all for the two of you getting married. It should settle you down no end.'

'I know, I know. And it has. And being able to close the door on Daniel like that has clarified for me how I feel. I mean, if I had any doubts... and marrying someone is a big deal... and I really do love Keith... but still, you know...'

Colette paused in the consumption of her goat's cheese and bacon tartlet. 'Kate, what is it you're trying to say?'

What was it I was trying to say or not say? What was it I couldn't (couldn't possibly) say out loud almost couldn't even think?

'Oh, nothing. Keith and I are about to set a date. Maybe I'm a little jittery about it.'

'You know, Kate,' she said seriously, 'if you're jittery at all...'

'I know,' I said. 'I know.'

'Look,' she said, putting her knife and fork on the table, 'it's all about expectations. Yours and his. Every marriage is different. Some of them seem normal enough, some of them probably are normal enough, loads of them are bizarre. But the thing is, none of that matters. If one marriage works one way, the next one works in a completely different way. It depends on what the two of you want out of it. Look at me and Brian. We met, we liked each other, we had fun, we enjoyed the s.e.x, we were getting older, we decided to get married. And it's good, it's very good, but it wouldn't be for everybody. I'm sure plenty of people look at the two of us and think how boring it must be. And sometimes it is, but most of the time it's just getting on with life in a fairly smooth way. I couldn't take all the dramas of your life, and with Brian I'm unlikely to have to. That's what I wanted, and it's what Brian wanted. We like our jobs, we like our kids, we like each other, we like our house. It's not very complicated and it works.'

I was listening intently, almost as if Colette was giving me a grind the night before the Leaving Cert on how to pa.s.s without having done any work. I was desperately trying to learn something.

'Now for you,' she continued, 'from what I know of Keith, I believe you could have the very best kind of drama-free life with him. He adores you. He can't quite believe you're his his in the good way, of course. And he does everything he can to be all that you might want him to be. In fact, you're incredibly lucky to have him. He's intelligent, considerate. He has integrity. He's one of the good ones. However,' she took a deep breath, 'you have to work out if that's what you want. If it is, you'll be as happy as you're willing to be. If it isn't, don't do it. If you believe that there's something or someone out there who's better, don't do it. But you must be willing to accept you might be wrong. You're not the kind of person who would be happy on your own that's not you. But you haven't been with someone yet who has truly made you happy. I don't think it's a question of whether or not you love Keith I think you do but you can love him all you like and still be miserable married to him. Then pretty soon you won't love anybody any more, not even yourself.'

She was finished. I hadn't expected a lecture with my lunch and it was giving me indigestion. It wasn't a lecture, though. It was sound advice.