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Everything went blank.
"Charlene?" I heard someone say. "Charlene, please. Come back to us."
As I opened my eyes I could see people standing around me as I lay there on the floor. The smells from the kitchen were making me sick.
"G.o.d, are you okay?" Jan asked in a worried tone while a few of the other girls on staff just stared.
"Ummayeah, I think so. What happened?" I asked as my father helped pick me up.
My father, I reminded myself again. Dear G.o.d, how could this be?
"You fainted," he said. "I'm sorry to have startled you so badly."
"Do you want me to call an ambulance?" Jan asked.
"No!" I shouted. I didn't want them taking my blood. It wasn't until after I got out of the hospital that my body started to take on a different form, but since then the only doctor's visits had been to the psychiatrist. "I mean, no, I'm okay now."
"Are you sure?" Jan asked.
"Yeah, I'm sure. I just need a minute."
"That's a good idea, why don't you sit down?" my father said.
"I'll leave you two alone then. Let me know if you need anything," Jan said as she started to walk away. Everyone else seemed to follow suit. The show was over.
After everyone left and returned back to work, things settled down.
I sat there in the booth, my father across from me. He slid his hands over to reach for mine, yet I instantly reacted, drawing them back into my lap.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"I know it's been a long time." He paused. "However, I've been searching for you for years."
"How did you find me?"
I still couldn't believe I was looking at my father for the first time in over twenty years. I thought something would happen, like he would blow up or something, but Delmara did only say I was never to see my mother and son again. She didn't say anything about my father.
"Well, at first I made some phone calls, traveled the country a few times on some leads, but nothing panned out, then through the wonderful world of the web, I found you."
"Yeahabut how? I mean, there are billions of people out there. How did you find me through all that?"
"I stumbled across one of your poems in a magazine. Here, I tore it out and kept it all these months."
He reached in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. Inside the money flap was my poem folded up. He took it out and handed it to me to read: Visiting Hours at the Psych Ward I wonder if she realizes where she is
while the syringe smacks a blackberry bruise
on her skin. Looking at the red second hand
as if casting a spell on time, her eyes become
the clock; the ones you'd see in a cla.s.sroom.
She fidgets a little under her restraints, crinkling
the sanitary sheets of paper into b.a.l.l.s of snow.
I wonder what she is thinking as she mumbles
a bubble of words below her tongue. She
must have had a bullet-sharp thought
and needed to blow her mind apart
as she has blunt trauma to the head.
Her hair bleeds of crimson trees all blanketing
the bed like scarlet branches in autumn.
I wonder what she sees; white walls cracked
with chips of black underneath, like the scales
of a dragon. The ice-cube trays on the ceiling
melt the room with a cooling effect, causing
us to have fog emanate from our breath.
I wonder if she feels my flaming thoughts
as I surround her in my broken skin.
I remembered writing that poem right after I got out of the hospital. I had visions early on of becoming something else. Underneath the poem was a small bio.
"You changed your last name. I wasn't sure if it was you, but from the poem, in my heart I knew. It reminded me so much of your mother."
I had to change my last name to protect my mother and son. They believed I was dead, or at least that was what Delmara told me. My father on the other hand had no idea what had happened.
Looking down at the poem again and then glancing back up at him, I asked, "But why? After all these years you come to me now?"
"There wasn't a day that went by I didn't think of you and your mother, but she shut me out. After what happeneda" he trailed off.
"Wait! This is coming all too fast. I need to get back to work."
"I'm sorry I came at a bad time. Can we talk again later on today? Tomorrow perhaps?" He looked so desperate. I could see in his eyes how excited he was to finally see me again, but I still felt unsure. Something wasn't right.
"Can I visit you later on tonight?"
"I can't." I paused, remembering I couldn't lie or something bad would happen. "Can I call you?"
"Yes, please do. Let me give you my number." I gave him a pen from my ap.r.o.n as he took a napkin out of the holder. He jotted it down and handed it over to me.
"I'll call you then."
He got up from the booth, thanked me and headed out the door.
I couldn't believe it. My father after all these years was looking for me? I thought he wanted nothing to do with me and my mother. All I remember my mother saying was that he found another life for himself, whatever that meant. I never questioned her about it. We lived a dream lifea"well, until Adam came to ruin everything. The only other time she mentioned him was when Adam cheated on her. I'll never forget what she said: "Men. They are the father of all evil. You can't trust a one."
I looked at the napkin again and noticed it was an outside-area code, one that I wasn't familiar with. I slipped it into my ap.r.o.n and went back to work. All I kept thinking was how he made me feel. I felt energized around him, more powerful. After my father left that day, it seemed like all energy left mea"like I'd been sucked of all my strength. Why did he make me feel this way?