Damned If I Do Part 14

"Look at me," Dwight said.

"You're a mess." Then Austin regarded his truck.

Myron was on his hands and knees, throwing up again.

"You could have gotten us killed," Austin said.

"Yeah, but I was sick."

Dwight peeled off his shirt and stood with his arms held away from his body. "Smells like s.h.i.t."

"I'll get the horse's water." Austin went to the trailer. It was sundown and the cars that were speeding by had on their headlights. The horse stirred a bit. "Hang on, fella, just another hour."

Austin took two towels and the bucket of water to the front of the truck. He grabbed his flashlight from the glove box and looked at the mess. He tossed one towel to Dwight, dipped the other into the water, then started to wipe up the vomit. The smell was awful and he knew that it would take weeks of wind to blow it out.

"We can't put him back in the truck," Dwight said. "He'll get us killed for sure."

"We'll throw him in the back," Austin said.

"This fool will decide he has to take a leak and step out."

Dwight was right. There was no argument in Austin. "I guess we'll have to tie him up." He and Dwight stood silently for a spell considering the idea. "What else can we do?"

So, they tied Myron up, bound his feet and hands. The man was already falling asleep. Austin looked up at the moon. As they were getting into the cab, they heard a loud noise from the trailer.

"You hear that?" Dwight asked.

"I did."

There was the noise again. They walked back to the trailer. The horse kicked the wall once more. Then a bunch of times. The trailer rocked and the horse kicked more, reared up and slammed his head into the roof.

"d.a.m.n!" Dwight let out. "What do we do?"

The horse was freaking out, kicking and rearing and screaming. Austin walked to the back of the trailer and considered opening the door, but decided against it. This crazy horse might kill him, then run like a maniac down the freeway. "I don't know what to do."

"We got to do something."

Both men made soothing sounds that the horse ignored. Austin was still holding the flashlight and, curious to see if the animal had done himself any damage, turned it on and pointed the beam into the trailer. The light hit the horse's eyes and he calmed down.

"What'd you do?" Dwight asked.

"I don't know." Austin turned off the light and the horse started up again. He put the beam back in the animal's eyes. "It's the light. The idiot's afraid of the dark."

"If you got some duct tape, we can strap that light right where you're holding it," Dwight said.

"No tape."

"I've got some in my truck," Dwight said.

"Well, that's just wonderful." Austin looked at the highway. "You know these batteries are not going to last all night."

"Yeah?"

"One of us is going to have hold this light in this horse's face while the other one drives."

"I'll drive," Dwight said.

"How do you figure that?" Austin asked.

"I wouldn't want you sitting up there taking in that stench."

Austin groaned. "You've got a point. But I can't hang on outside this trailer for sixty miles."

"Nope," Dwight said.

"I'll have to get inside with the horse."

"Yep."

"You know when we get home, if we get home, I'm going to have to kill you. Or something close to it."

"I know."

Dwight held the light while Austin got into the trailer with the stallion. "Easy, boy," he said, touching the horse's side to let him know he was there. "Atta boy." He got to the front and was standing right next to the giant head. "Okay, hand me the light through the slat."

Dwight pushed the flashlight through and it dropped for a second and the horse immediately reacted, but Austin managed the beam back into his face quickly.

"You okay?" Dwight asked.

"h.e.l.l, no," Austin said. "Let's go. Don't drive fast, but don't poke around neither."

"All right."

Austin talked to the horse while he held the light, stroked his nose. He heard Myron yell something from the bed of the pickup. He wondered if Dwight would be able to find his way home. He wondered if the cops would pull them over. He wondered if the batteries would last.

Epigenesis.

There is the straightening of line across the riffle, the flash of side in the sleepy pool below the fast water and then the swimming down, tugging, snapping, right-angling turns against the leader and yellow line and then the line is slack. The sun of midmorning bounces its light off the broken surface of the creek while Alan Turing curses and cranks his reel, waiting to see if the Letort's cricket he tied this morning is lost. But on the end of the leader is the cricket and with it is an enormous trout, much larger than the stream should accommodate, much larger than any trout should be, Turing thinks, swallowing hard, much larger than the tug it had less than a minute ago applied against the graphite rod, light pink above its whitish side-floating, all but pushing the leader toward Turing's neoprened legs. The trout is easily three and a half feet long, but no trout is that long, its mouth working about the fly. A steelhead? It can't be in this creek. Turing's muscles quiver with fear and confusion as he once again observes the width and depth of the water, looking upstream and down for another human who might react to the sight and confirm his footing in reality, but there is no one. The fish is at his feet, more of it exposed to air than to water, the opercula covering the gills flowing rhythmically, almost comfortably, thinks Turing, and like lightning striking, the fish says a word, yes, a word. Turing shakes his head, wants to cry, his hands trembling, dropping his rod while his heart stalls, he hears clearly a word, its syllables, it must be a word and the word is epigenesis. A closer approach surprises Turing for the bravery it takes, but yields to him no more understanding and no more words, nor the same word from the animal, which is beginning to huff away its life. He touches the head of the trout to feel the smooth slime that encases it, removes the hook that is so insignificant from its lip, and he wonders how he caught the fish, realizes that the fish wanted to be captured, recalling that the trout swam toward him. Turing pushes the animal back toward the pool, the word still in his head, the weight of the fish hanging up against the rocks. Turing sweats and heaves, staring at the gla.s.sy eye that, though directed at him, betrays no gaze of its own, and finally backs the fish into the pool and Turing can see just how deep it is, no bottom to find with his staring. The trout sinks and far down Turing can see the kick of its huge tail and believes it still lives. He stands straight in the stream, sucking in a breath of mountain air as he cries and searches the creekside trees for other eyes, human or other, that might be as confused and fearful as his. Turing makes his way free of the stream with the waddle waders make, wondering why its frigid water has not awakened him, wondering if sane men dream such things, cursing his mind for breaking and spilling nonsense about his cranial floor, but on the bank he sits and knows that he is not asleep, not dreaming, believes he is not hallucinating. A light drizzle begins to fall from clouds he has not noticed approaching, his shadow now disappeared in the gray around him. Turing frees himself from his boots and waders, packs them away, slips on his sneakers, and carries his gear through the maples and rhododendrons and the mile back to his car parked at the roadside.

A pickup speeds by on the wet highway, kicking up a spray, but not much of one, while Turing leans against the back of his car. He opens the trunk, tosses in his wader bag, his vest, and his rod, which he has broken down and slipped into its case. He looks down the road and imagines the Swift Camp Creek joining the Red River, imagines the Red River joining the Ohio, and imagines that water on its way to the Mississippi and to the Gulf of Mexico where big fish are supposed to live, but not like that one, not a trout or a steelhead. Giant fish aren't supposed to swim in small water, in holes that should not be, deep and invisible until one is over it; he wonders what would have happened had he stepped into it unknowingly. How many people had? But then it seems stupid to curse the creek when the fish had talked, when the fish had so rudely changed his life.

Turing has put away his gear, hung his waders in the garage, and put his fly boxes on the shelf above his tying table. He sits at his desk, hands together, and waits for his wife to return from Louisville. It's dusk when he hears her car.

Barbara walks past the door of the study, then comes back. "Alan?"

"Yes."

"Why are you sitting here in the dark?" she wants to know.

"No reason, just sitting."

"Are you okay? How was fishing?" Barbara puts her packages down by the doorway.

Turing switches on his desk lamp. The light bothers his eyes. "Fishing was decent, Barbara."

"Catch anything?" She smiles, bends to pick up her things.

"Caught a few." He looks at his desk. "How was Louisville?"

Barbara pauses. "It was fine, Alan."

Later, at dinner, Alan pushes the takeout cartons of Chinese food away and looks at Barbara. "Do you believe that people create their own worlds?" he asks.

"What?" her mouth full.

"Nothing."

"No," she says, wiping her mouth. "Tell me what you're talking about. What worlds?"

"What if, say, an animal, say a dog, talked to you, I mean, spoke a word?"

"Yes?"

"What would you think? Would you think you were crazy? Would you rea.s.sess your picture of the world?"

"h.e.l.l, no, I wouldn't think I was crazy," Barbara says. "I'd think I was rich. A talking dog, are you kidding? Do you know how much money I could make with a talking dog?" She laughs loudly, reaching for more food. "What's on top of a house? Ruff," she barks.

Turing looks out the window at the dark backyard.

"Did I hurt your feelings?" she asks.

"No."

That night, in the darkness and cold of the room they have shared for twelve years, Barbara halfheartedly leads her husband into lovemaking. He moves with her or for her or because of her, pushing to breach the distance, pushing to make the distance, their o.r.g.a.s.ms mechanical, standard. Afterward, they lie awake, waiting, just waiting. The light through the window is from the streetlamp, somewhat blue, soft, and lost in the leafless tree limbs just outside.

Turing dreams. He is at a dinner party, across the room his wife is watching him while she talks to a woman in a blue dress and he knows she is talking about him. The food at the party is all the same color and comes by on trays carried by men with no faces. Turing moves through the party looking for someone whose face and name he cannot remember, like a song t.i.tle, the person is lost in his head and he is becoming anxious. Music comes from somewhere, mechanical and standard, lost in the rhythm of shuffling feet as Turing notices the movement of people in circles, around and around, around the room and around points in s.p.a.ce. Turing knows all the faces of the guests and even the faceless waiters. He gets no closer nor farther away from Barbara no matter which way he moves, no matter how fast he moves, and she is talking about him, now to a man in short pants. He takes more of the colorless food and searches for taste, some texture, anything. The emptiness wakes him with a start, his heart racing, his breathing short. He thinks about touching the hand of his wife, but doesn't.

"A fish spoke to me," he tells his wife the next morning, watching her tie her running shoes, a foot up on the stool in the kitchen.

"Very nice," she says.

"No, really, a fish said a word to me."

She looks at him.

"I'm not joking, Barbara."

Barbara laughs.

"I'm scared. A fish-a big fish talked to me."

"And what did this fish say?"

"He said 'epigenesis.' I saw its lips move. I heard it."

"Epigenesis," she repeats.

Turing nods.

"And you weren't drinking?"

"No."

"No drugs?"

"Barbara, I'm serious." He pauses, leans back against the wall by the door. "Never mind."

"Fine," she says, looking at her watch, standing, looking out the window at the road, "I'll be back in forty minutes."

He watches her run out of the yard and down the street. She thought he was joking. He guesses that's better than her believing him to be crazy.

The rain falls harder while Alan Turing sits behind the wheel, switching on the wipers to slap away at the spitting sky, pulling away from the gravel and mud. Turing struggles with remembering his name, recalling lessons from grade school instead, lines of silly poems, word problems of sheep and shingles and there is his name, burned into his mind along with a fish-voice, "epigenesis." G.o.dd.a.m.n the beast, so big, and why hadn't he brought it home, but instead took pity or obeyed that giant, sad, milk-gla.s.s eye?

Alan Turing goes back to the creek, sits on the bank, and looks at the spot where the hole that shouldn't have been there, was. The water is still, un-moving there. He recalls the day JFK was killed, how when the news came over the loudspeaker his second-grade teacher, Miss Young, had put her hands over her ears and run out of the room; he recalls her slip was showing below her navy skirt. He recalls when he awoke during the night on a family car trip and saw the burning cross of a KKK rally and how his father had stepped on the gas to get them away and how they had to load up on food because there was no place for them to stop and eat on the road; the Temptations were playing on the radio. He remembers how Kathy Wilson had let him touch her pubic hair and had kissed his tongue with hers, then told him they had to stop. He remembers how she hadn't told Reggie Davis to stop. So went Reggie Davis's story and Alan Turing, thirteen, believed it.

He tosses a rock into the creek, hoping the trout will show himself. He will not tell this to his wife again. He will not tell anyone that a fish has spoken to him. He will keep it inside his head. He will keep it next to the fact that lately he has not enjoyed s.e.x with his wife. He will keep it next to his fear of escalators. He will keep it next to the fact that he hated the way his uncle hugged him just a little too long.

Another rock breaks the face of the creek and still no trout shows. Turing once had to beat a deer to death with a bat. The animal had been hit by a car and was suffering badly at the side of the road. It was dusk. Alan Turing had no gun. The deer looked at him with big, pathetic eyes and begged for peace. But the animal's life had been stubborn and it took six swings to end it.

The water in the hole begins to roil. And there on the surface of the water, the light through the boughs reflecting off its smooth sides, is the giant trout, floating up as if dead, one gla.s.sy eye aimed at Alan Turing. Alan Turing stands and takes a step, water sloshing over his shoe and ankle as he breaks the face of the stream. Another long step and he is just feet from the fish, his breath catching in his chest as he hears the fish say, "I knew you would come back."

"You're real. I thought I had gone mad," Alan Turing says. "My wife thinks I'm crazy."

"You're not happy," the fish says.

Alan Turing shakes his head. "The world has changed. My wife has changed. And I'm afraid I've stayed the same." He looked upstream and then down. "I told her about you this morning and she thought I was joking."

"Take me home with you," the fish says.

"How?"

"Just put me in your car."

So, Alan Turing wraps his arms around the big fish, the slime of its sides staining his shirt, and he hauls it to the bank, pausing and resting there and then starting up the trail. The fish is silent on the trail, its gills heaving just under Alan Turing's chin, the opercula opening and closing, flashing red. At the trailhead, Alan Turing pauses, reconsidering, looking back over his tracks in the direction of the creek and the fish flops in his arms, says, "Put me in the car."