Cytherea Part 20

"You don't need help," he commented brutally.

Detached tears rolled over her cheeks. "I won't cry," she contradicted the visible act; "I won't. You take such a cowardly advantage of me."

The advantage, he reflected, was entirely on her side. Within, he was hard, he had no feeling of sympathy for her; the division between them was absolute. With an angry movement she brushed the tears from her cheeks. "I hate her," she said viciously; "she is a rotten detestable woman."

"On the contrary," he replied, "Mrs. Grove, if you happen to mean her, is singularly attractive. There is no smallness about her."

"h.e.l.l," she mocked him, "it is really too touching. When shall you see her again?"

"Never." At once he saw that he had made a second mistake.

"How sad--never; I can't bear it. You both must have been wretched at that long hopeless parting. And she agreed to let you go--back to your wife and children." f.a.n.n.y's voice was a triumph of contempt. "I ought to thank her; or be magnanimous and send you back."

"This is all built on a ridiculous a.s.sumption," Lee reminded her; "I even forget how we started. Suppose we talk about something else; Mrs. Grove, as a topic, is pretty well exhausted." f.a.n.n.y, narrow-eyed, relapsed into an intent silence. She faded from his mind, her place taken by Savina. Immediately he was conscious of a quickening of his blood, the disturbed throb of his heart; the memory of delirious hours enveloped him in a feverish mist more real than his wife sitting before him with a drawn brow.

Usually after such scenes f.a.n.n.y had flowered in a tender remorse for their bitter remarks, the wasted opportunity of happiness; but again she left him coldly, unmelted. He was glad--a show of affection would have been unsupportable. But his marriage was becoming precarious; Lee seemed to be without power to execute his firm intentions; a conviction of insecurity settled over him. The sense of a familiar difficulty returned; there was nothing for him to do but order his life on a common pattern and face an unrelieved futility of years. He remembered, with a grim amus.e.m.e.nt, the excellent advice he had given Peyton Morris, Peyton at the verge of falling from the approved heights into the unpredictable. If he had come to him now in that quandary, what would he, Lee, have said? Yet all that he had told Peyton he still believed--the variety of life lay on the circular moving horizon, there was none at hand. But now he comprehended the unmeasurable longing that had, for the time, banished every other consideration from the younger man. It had upset his heredity, his violent prejudices, and his not negligible religion.

Peyton, too, had fallen under the charm of Cytherea; but chance--was it fortunate?--had restrained him. Lee had seen Morris the evening before, at a dinner with Claire, and he had been silent, abstracted. He had scarcely acknowledged Lee Randon's presence. The Morrises had avoided him. Still, that was inevitable, since, for them, he was charged with unpleasant memories.

He collected in thought all the married people who, he knew, were unhappy or dissatisfied: eleven of the eighteen Lee called to mind.

"What is the matter with it?" he demanded savagely, aloud, in his room.

He considered marriage--isolated for that purpose--as a social contract, the best possible solving of a number of interrelated needs and instincts; and, practical and grey, it recommended itself to his reason; it successfully disposed of the difficulties of property, the birth and education of children, and of society. It was a sane, dignified, way to live with a woman; and it secured so much. Undoubtedly, on that count, marriage couldn't be bettered. As it was, it satisfied the vast majority of men and women: against the bulk of human life f.a.n.n.y and he, with their friends, were inconsiderable. But the number of men who struggled above the common level was hardly greater; and he and his opinions were of that preferable minority. The freedom of money, the opportunities of leisure, always led directly away from what were called the indispensable virtues.

Men--he returned to the Eastlake streets on Sat.u.r.day night--except those lost in the monomania of a dream, didn't want to work, they didn't even wish to be virtuous. They turned continually to the bypaths of pleasure, that self-delusion and forgetfulness of drink. Yes, released from the tyrannies of poverty, they flung themselves into a swift spending.

The poor were more securely married than the rich, the dull than the imaginative--married, he meant, in the sense of a forged bond, a stockade. This latter condition had been the result of allowing the church to interfere unwarrantedly in what was not its affair. Religion had calmly usurped this, the most potent of the motives of humanity; or, rather, it had fastened to it the ludicrous train of ritual. That laughable idea that G.o.d had a separate scrutinizing eye, like the eye of a parrot, on every human atom!

Lee changed his position, physically and mentally--he was lying in bed--and regarded religion in itself. It was, in the hunger for a perpetual ident.i.ty, almost as strong a force as the other pa.s.sion. But were they conspicuously other? They had many resemblances. He didn't, by religion, refer to Christianity which, he thought, was but a segregated and weakened form of worship. It was, for example, against the Christian influence that he was struggling. He meant the sense of profound mystery, the revolt against utter causelessness, which had tormented to no clearness so many generations of minds. He accepted the fact that a formless longing was all that he could ever experience; for him, uncritically, that seemed enough; he had willingly relinquished any hope of an eternity like a white frosted cake set with twinkling candles. But viewed as a tangible force operating here and now, identical--to return to his main preoccupation--with love, it demanded some settled intelligence of comprehension.

What he wanted, he was drawn bolt upright as if by an inner shout, was an a.s.surance that could be depended on, that wouldn't break and break and leave him nothing but a feeling of inscrutable mockery. He wanted to understand himself, and, in that, f.a.n.n.y and the children ... and Savina.

Obviously they were all bound together in one destiny, by a single cause. Why had he stopped loving f.a.n.n.y and had no regret--but a sharp gladness--in his adultery with Savina? He discarded the qualifying word as soon as it had occurred to him: there was no adultery, adulteration, in his act with Savina; it had filled him with an energy, a mental and nervous vigor, long denied to the sanctified bed of marriage. He wanted not even to be justified, but only an explanation of what he was; and he waited, his hands pressed into the softness of the mattress on either side of him, as if the salvation of some reply might come into his aching brain. Nothing, of course, broke the deep reasonable stillness of the night. He slipped back on his pillow weary and baffled.

There, to defraud his misery, he deliberately summoned the memory of Savina, and of delirious hours. She came swiftly, with convulsive shoulders, fingers drawn down over his body; he heard her little cry, "Ah!" How changed her voice had been when she said, "I love you." It had had no apparent connection with the moment, their actual pa.s.sion. It had disturbed him with the suggestion of a false, a forced, note. In a situation of the utmost accomplishable reality it had been vague, meaningless. I love you. It was a strange phrase, at once empty and burdened with illimitable possibilities. He had said it times without number to f.a.n.n.y, but first--how seductively virginal she had been--on a veranda at night. Then, though not quite for the first time, he had kissed her. And suddenly her reserve, her protecting chast.i.ty, had gone out of her forever.

When had the other, all that eventually led to Savina, begun; when had he lost his love? A long process of turning from precisely the orderly details which, he had decided, should make marriage safe. He was back where he had started--the realization of how men deserted utility for visions, at the enigmatic smile of Cytherea. A sterile circle. Some men called it heaven, others found h.e.l.l. His mental searching, surrounded, met, by nullity, he regarded as his supreme effort in the direction of sheer duty. If whoever had it in command chose to run the world blindly, unintelligibly, in a manner that would soon wreck the strongest concern, he wasn't going to keep on annoying himself with doubts and the dictates of a senseless conscience. What, as soon as possible, he'd do was fall asleep.

The crowing of a rooster pierced the thinning night, a second answered the first, and they maintained a long self-glorifying, separated duet.

The wind which had been flowing in at the north window changed to the south-west.

The difficulties of his living with f.a.n.n.y increased the next morning: it was one of the week-days when he didn't go into town after breakfast.

He was dressed for riding, his horse was at the door, when, without previous announcement and unprepared, she decided to go with him. He could hear her hurrying upstairs--it upset her unreasonably to rush--and suddenly, with the audible fall of a boot on the floor, there was the unmistakable sound of sobbing.

Lee went up, half impatient and half comprehending, and found her seated on a bed, leaning her head in an arm on the foot-board. "Don't wait for me," she cried in a smothered voice; "it makes you so nervous. Just go; it doesn't matter what I do. You've--you've shown me that. Oh, dear, I am so miserable. Everything was right and so happy, and now it's all wrong."

"Nonsense," he replied tonically; "it will take Christopher a few minutes to get your saddle on. I'll be outside." Mounted and waiting for her, his horse stepping contrarily over the gra.s.s beyond the drive, he didn't care whether she came or stayed. When she appeared her eyes, prominent now rather than striking, were reddened, and the hastily applied paint and powder were unbecomingly streaked with some late irrepressible tears.

When they had returned, and through lunch and after, a not unfamiliar stubborn silence settled over f.a.n.n.y. When she spoke it was with an armor-like sarcasm protecting and covering her feelings. He was continually surprised at the correctness of her att.i.tude toward Savina; his wife could know nothing; she was even without the legitimate foundation of a suspicion; but her bearing had a perceptible frostiness of despair. What, he wondered moodily, would next, immediately, develop?

Something, certainly--f.a.n.n.y's acc.u.mulations of emotion were always sharply discharged; they grew in silence but they were expended in edged words.

In a way he was glad that he had made the error of speaking about William Grove's absence in Washington: it was a step toward a final resolution, a tranquilization, of the pressure at home. He didn't know what would bring it up, possibly a storm surpa.s.sing in violence all that had preceded it; and then ... the open prospect of old age. f.a.n.n.y should not actually learn of the occurrence in New York, there must be no mistake about that; she would act on the supposition that he had been merely indulging in a more or less advanced dallying; but her patience in that, he judged, was at an end. Well, he could ultimately, in all sincerity, agree with her there. Not too soon, of course, for she was at present deeply suspicious of such protestations; he would maintain for a short while longer an appearance of annoyance, his old successful indignations at her minor charges, and then let her see that she had nothing left to combat from that quarter.

But how, in the other implications of such a scene, would he act?

Until now his part in the inevitable frictions of matrimony had been conditioned by a tenderness toward f.a.n.n.y and a measurable supporting belief that he was generally to blame. She had reduced him to the compounding of excuses; after her attack, drawing away, she had managed to make him follow her. Not cheaply, with the vulgarity of a gift, a price outheld, but with the repeated a.s.sertions of his endless love.

Nothing less satisfied her. In this she was superior. But, even if he surrendered his life to the effort, could he keep up that pretence of a pa.s.sion unimpaired? And had he, Lee asked himself over and over, the wish, the patience, for that heavy undertaking?

It was still fairly evident that he hadn't. All that he could hope for, which they both could summon, was luck and the deadening hands of time. He told himself, here, that it was more than probable that he was exaggerating the proportions of the whole situation--f.a.n.n.y had been angry before; her resentment faded the sooner for its swift explosive character. But this a.s.surance was unconvincing; his presentiment, which didn't rest on reason, was not amenable to a reasonable conclusion.

Of this he was certain, that f.a.n.n.y never had harbored the suspicion of what, for her, would be the very worst. Did she know? If she did, he decided, it was only in the form of an una.n.a.lyzed, unidentified, feeling. She wasn't a coward. His determination to keep smooth, by mere politeness, the further course of their marriage seemed frivolous. That might do, it was even indispensable, when the present corner was turned; but for the moment--

What, in the name of G.o.d, had got into her? He grew increasingly irritated at her arbitrary manner. Lee had kept forgetting that, where f.a.n.n.y was concerned, it was causeless, or no better than a wild surmise, a chance thrust at random. He made up his mind that he wouldn't submit to a great deal of her bad humor. And, in this spirit, he ignored a query put to him bitingly:

"Where is the paper cutter?"

His gaze remained level on the page before him.

"Didn't you hear me, Lee? I want the paper cutter. If it's on your night table, get it."

"Let Amanda go up."

"She's out. I let both the girls go tonight. But I needn't explain."

She sat expectantly upright. Obliterating his cigarette, he returned, without moving, to the magazine. Then he raised his head:

"You can't hope for much from that tone of voice."

"I'll always insist on your showing me some courtesy. I can't imagine what you think I am. You lie to me as though I were a school-girl and you haven't even common good manners. That trip to New York--I'll hear the truth about it. Anyone could tell it was serious by the effect it had on you. Put down your magazine, you might as well; you can't keep on behind it forever. Why did you try to hide that Mrs. Grove and you were alone?"

"To stop all this!" He dropped the magazine upon the floor. "To save my nerves and the noise of your eternal questions. I knew, if you found out, what would follow; this isn't the first time."

"You can't be completely trusted," she replied. "I have always had to worry and hold you up. If it hadn't been for me--but there is no use in going into that. You must tell me about the Grove woman."

"At one time it was Mrs. Grove," he observed; "now it is 'the Grove woman.' What will you call her next?"

"You will have to tell me that," f.a.n.n.y said. "Lee Randon, what must I call her?"

"Perhaps, if you knew her, you'd try Savina."

"Not if it was to save me from dying. But I have no doubt of which you preferred. Did you?"

"Did I what?" He was aware that his speech was growing far louder than necessary.

"Call her Savina."

"Yes!" He sat glaring at her in an anger which he felt swelling his neck.

f.a.n.n.y's expression was obscure. At his admission she had shivered, as though it had reached her in the form of an actually threatened violence, and then she was rigid. "I knew that, all the while." Her voice was low, with a pause between the words. "Savina"; she repeated the name experimentally. "Very pretty. Prettier to say than f.a.n.n.y; yes, and newer. And, having called her that, you couldn't very well not kiss her, could you?"

However, his caution had again a.s.serted itself over the dangers of a lost temper. "You have made so much of this up that you had better finish it yourself. Put what end you prefer on it; you don't need help."