Cunningham Family: Lost And Found Part 4

I grin. "Just one."

"I mean it, though," he says, growing serious again. "Being out here, looking up at this-it makes me feel like all the s.h.i.t I've been worrying about doesn't matter in the long run, you know?"

All the s.h.i.t he's been worrying about. His father? Me? What he's going to do now that he's given up his job?

But if I think about it, what he says is true-it's easy to forget about the mistakes I've made out here. It's easy to forget that I might have a warrant out for my arrest, or that I might have destroyed what little chance I had of reconciling with my brother. I'm just a speck on the sand. Ward and I could be washed away by the sea in the middle of the night and in the greater scheme of the universe, it wouldn't change a thing.

Depressing as that is, it's actually kind of freeing.

I roll over so that I'm leaning across Ward's chest.

"If you're allowed to say something cheesy," I tell him, "then I am, too."

"Deal," he says, twining his hands through my hair.

"Being out here..." I tilt my head back and gaze up at the moon. "It reminds me that there are so many places I could go. So many things I could do. I guess... I guess that's the advantage of losing everything, you know? Your life becomes a blank slate. You get to rebuild everything from scratch." Not that I'm doing a very good job at that so far, but still.

"Where do you want to go?" He's asked me the same question several times since we left the estate together, but I know it means something different this time.

I lean down until my lips are just above his. "Everywhere."

His hands tighten in my hair.

"Even Saturn," I whisper with a smile. "If we can find it."

"That's a tall order," he murmurs.

I slide my leg across him. "Are you up to the task?"

"You bet your a.s.s I am."

He yanks my face down against his. I fall completely against him, my body molding to every hard plane of his. I grip him by the shoulders and shift my hips, straddling him properly. I want to keep kissing him forever, but I tear my mouth away.

"We could start somewhere closer," I say, my voice breathy.

"Mm. Like Mars?" His mouth claims mine once more.

I kiss him for a moment longer before pulling away again. "Or Antarctica. I'm sure you could keep me warm."

He chuckles and kisses me again. His mouth is demanding, and when his teeth sc.r.a.pe my lips, I can feel it all the way down to my toes.

It's harder to pull away the next time. "Maybe somewhere deep in the rainforest." I prop myself up on his chest. "Somewhere sweaty and-"

He groans, his hands sliding down my body to my hips. He's hard again, and his arousal is pressed against my leg.

I lean over to our pile of clothes and grab the plastic bag with our stash of condoms. I snag one, tear it open, and lean back just enough to be able to reach down and take him in my hand. He squeezes my thigh as I slide the condom down his length.

"We should travel all over," he rasps. "Have s.e.x on every continent."

"Or steal a boat," I say, straddling him again, "and have s.e.x in every ocean."

I look down at his face as I guide him into position. His eyes reflect back the moonlight. His hands move back up to my waist.

"Or just drive around," he says, his voice rough as he slowly pulls me down the length of his c.o.c.k. "Have s.e.x in every state."

The last word is mostly a moan. I sink all the way down, taking him fully.

We don't have s.e.x like this often-with me on top, I mean-but I know exactly what to do. I move slowly, leaning forward slightly and bracing myself on his shoulders. His hands glide from my waist up my body. I rock slowly, and his fingers dance over my ribs. They move softly over each of my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, and he lets his palms skim across my nipples. Then he moves still upward. Chest, collarbone, neck.

I don't speak until his fingers rest gently against my throat, until I know he can feel my voice as much as hear it.

"I want you everywhere," I say as I move slowly on top of him. "I want you to take me everywhere."

Take me everywhere. I know he doesn't miss the multiple meanings of that phrase, because he jerks his hips, driving himself up into me.

"Don't tempt me," he says.

"But I like tempting you." I sit up fully and begin to move in slow circles on top of him, letting him feel me completely. His hands drop to my hips once more, and this time his grip is firmer. He doesn't like letting me have all the power. His fingers dig into me, and though it should hurt, I feel nothing but pleasure. I like when he starts to lose control. When his need for me starts to take over, when his every touch expresses an urgency and a longing that I know only I can fill.

"f.u.c.k, Louisa," he says, rocking himself up into me.

"Take me," I tell him. "Take me away."

His grip is steel, his body hard and unrelenting beneath mine. We move together with abandon, with everything we have. My head falls back, and I look up at the stars as I ride him. As I give him everything. If I can't tell him I love him, then I can show him.

He releases one of my hips. I almost protest, almost beg him to grab me and curl his nails into my flesh again, but then he finds my c.l.i.t with his fingers. That's all it takes-one touch. One touch and I explode. I know I'm supposed to be quiet out here, but I can't control myself. I cry out as my body pulses and contracts. And Ward isn't far behind me. By the time I've collapsed on top of him, he's found his own release.

For a moment, I just lie there, my cheek pressed against his chest. His skin is sticky and covered in thousands of tiny particles of sand. I should probably sit up, or at least roll off of him, but my entire body is limp. I'm having trouble feeling my arms or legs. I'm fine just where I am, as close to him as physically possible.

He wraps his arms around me, holding me on top of him.

"Jesus, that was good," he says. He gives a contented chuckle.

I smile and nuzzle his neck. "Maybe I should be on top more often."

"Fine by me," he says. "Though f.u.c.k, I like you the other way, too." Before I realize what he's doing, he's flipped me over onto my back on the towel. He leans over me, and his head drops until his lips are right at my ear.

"Like this," he murmurs. "On your back, completely under my power. Or maybe..." His fingers graze the skin of my belly. "Maybe on your stomach. Or on your hands and knees." He reaches down further and touches my thigh. "Or with your legs hooked over my shoulders."

Every suggestion sends another tremor through my body. Yes. Yes to all of it.

"Every way," I whisper in response. "Everywhere."

He kisses my ear, then my cheek, then my lips. Then he rolls over onto his side and holds me against him. I bury my face against the crook of his neck and breathe him in. He still smells like the ocean.

"We could do it, you know," he says after a moment.

"Do what?"

"Go wherever we want. Have s.e.x everywhere."

My stomach flip-flops, even though I know he has to be joking.

"Come on," he says lightly. "You're the one who's always telling me we should do something crazy."

For a long moment, I say nothing. Is he really serious about this? I'm supposed to be encouraging him to go back. Not considering this ridiculous fantasy.

But G.o.d, I want to do it.

"I'm not sure we have enough money between us to rent a boat and sail to every ocean," I force myself to point out.

"But we have a car," he says. "And there are at least forty-eight states we could drive to."

He makes it sound so easy, so simple. And maybe it is simple. After all, he's the one who taught me that most things are. It's our brains and hearts that complicate things.

"You know you want to," he says, and I can tell by his tone that he already knows he's won me over.

"Are you serious?" I ask him.

"Dead serious." He pulls my face close to his again. "s.e.x in every state. Isn't that what we said?"

I can't help it. I'm grinning.

"We'll figure out what to do about Alaska and Hawaii later," he adds.

"You really mean this."

His lips brush against my cheek as he speaks. "Let's be crazy together."

I should refuse him, but it's hard to convince myself that turning him away is the selfless thing to do when he's the one suggesting this insanity. And let's be honest-it is insane. But I want to ride this craziness for as long as possible.

"s.e.x in every state," I repeat. "I like the sound of that."

"Everywhere," he says, sliding his hand down across my a.s.s and yanking me toward him. "Every way."

CHAPTER FOUR.

We decide to get one of those giant road atlases of the United States they sell at gas stations. We have to dig through three layers of racy magazines to find one on the shelf at the place we stop, but I'm just grateful they still sell these things at all. Most people would just pull up an application on their phone or something. But my cell is back at the estate with the rest of my things, and Ward's phone is several years old-he can't do much but make calls and send text messages.

We prop the atlas up against the dash of Ward's car and flip through it page by page. Each map is a web of roads, a tapestry of colored lines. There's a page for every state, as well as close-ups of all the major cities. There's also a larger map of the entire continental United States. When I look at that page when I see how everything connects, it really does feel like we could go anywhere.

I've always loved maps. But I haven't held an atlas in my hands for years. My father gave me one once, back when I was a kid. I'd thrown a fit about something stupid and tried to run away. When I returned to my room, I found the atlas on my bed-with a note from him encouraging me to have a life of adventures.

This brings all of that back, and I'm not prepared for the grief that suddenly slams me in the gut.

I haven't thought about my father since I left the estate. I couldn't escape him there-I saw him everywhere I looked, smelled him in the empty hallways, felt the vibrations of his presence in the rooms he used to frequent-but out here, it's been easier to forget. To close my eyes and make him disappear with the rest of my problems.

Until now. It all comes rushing forward, crashing into me like a semi-truck, and a sob of shock escapes from my chest before I can even try to suppress it.

"What is it?" Ward asks. "What's wrong?"

I close my eyes and swallow down the emotion. I can't constantly let myself fall into emotional crisis mode. It's not fair to Ward.

But I can't lie to him, either. I've already committed the biggest betrayal of his trust-I misled him about my ident.i.ty. I want everything else between us to be the truth.

"It just reminded me of my father," I say. "But I'm fine."

He pulls the atlas toward him. "We don't have to do this if-"

"No. I want to."

He reaches over and turns my face toward his. I know he sees all the sadness in my eyes. I hate that he can read me so easily. It makes me feel too bare. At least when I was with Ian, I had some control, some sense of stability. I might have been openly grieving, but he always kept me steady. Now, though, even on my best of days, Ward throws my emotions into chaos. He can make my heart soar with just a word and then a moment later draw out my deepest pains and fears with nothing more than a look. I just want to feel like I'm on solid ground for a day. For an hour. For a single moment.

"You want to talk about this?" he says, his finger brushing against my lip.

I try to focus on the comfort of his touch. I know what happens when I give myself over to thoughts about my father. I get overwhelmed and then everything goes numb. I want to be stronger than that.

"I'm fine," I a.s.sure him again. "Let's figure out where we're going."

He's going to argue with me. I see it in his eyes. But before he can say a word, I grab the atlas and prop it back up on the dashboard.

"So we're about here," I say, pointing to a spot on the Atlantic coast. There's a pen stuffed in the center console, and I grab it and draw a star on the map, just above the border between North and South Carolina. "Which direction do we head? West? North? Or would you rather head down to Florida and explore some more beaches?"

Don't push me about my father, I beg silently. Please don't push me.

He must get the hint because he doesn't say a thing. He sits back, rubs his gingery stubble, and looks at the map.

"Well, we might as well hit the entire East Coast while we're here," he says. "I think the easiest route would be to go north. Hit every state between here and Maine."

"Once we get up to New England, we can probably do multiple states in the same day," I say, nodding in agreement.

"More than one a day?" And there it is-that cla.s.sic Ward grin. "Sounds ambitious." He's thinking about the other part of our goal-the s.e.x part. But if last night was any indication, I don't think we'll have any problems.

"I have faith in us," I say. "And we'll have plenty of practice along the way."

He laughs and pulls me toward him across the seat. "You can bet we will."

His kiss is eager, but I sense tightness in his mouth. He's still worried about me. And when he pulls back, I see the concern in the depths of his eyes.

I'm worried about you, too, I want to say. He might accuse me sometimes of disappearing into my mind, but I'm not the only one whose life is a little insane right now. He has his own issues to figure out.

And if he doesn't want to go back to his father, then this is the next best thing. We need this trip, both of us. We need to be free, to be crazy, until we find the strength to deal with our demons. He might think he's doing this for me, but I'm doing it for him, too.