Circle Of Three: Making The Saint Part 13

Annie looked at the package, which was wrapped in bright pink paper, and hefted it in her hand. What is it? she asked Becka.

A little something from me and Dixie, said Becka. To remind you of San Francisco.

Like I could ever forget, joked Annie as she tore the paper off. Inside was a T-shirt. It, too, was pink.

Annie held it up and saw that across the front was written because im the queen, thats why.

Dixie wanted it for himself, said Becka. But I insisted that it would look much better on you.

I love it, Annie told her. Thanks.

So, whats on the agenda for the weekend? Becka asked, sitting on the end of Annies bed.

Well, tomorrow we slave away in the kitchen all day, consume ma.s.sive quant.i.ties of food, watch giant *

balloons shaped like cartoon characters get dragged down a New York street, and then fall into a stupor. But tonight is wide open. Is there anything you want to do?

It would be fun to meet your friends, said Becka. Youve told me so much about them that I feel like I know them already.

That could be a problem, said Annie hesitantly.

Why? Becka asked when Annie didnt continue. Dont you think theyd like me?

Oh, no! replied Annie. I think theyd love you. Its just that Cooper is having an early Thanksgiving with her folks and Kate" She stopped.

Is in a womens prison? Becka said dramatically. What?

Annie sighed. Can I talk to you about something? she asked.

Sure, Becka said. Im all ears.

It doesnt make me look very good, said Annie warily. To tell the truth, Im terrified that youll think Im a horrible person.

It must be really good, then, Becka replied. Then, seeing Annies face, she said, Seriously, I dont think I could ever think of you as a bad person. So spill it.

Annie sat down on the bed. She badly wanted to tell Becka what she was going through. She needed to talk to someone who wasnt as close to the situation as Cooper was, and definitely not as close as Kate was. Although she and Becka really only knew one another from their telephone calls, Annie felt that they were friends. At least, she hoped they were.

Still, she didnt know how to say what she had to say. No matter what form it took, it sounded awful to her. Finally she just took a deep breath and said quickly, I sort of cheated on Kate with her boyfriend.

Well, as much as you can cheat on someone youre not actually romantically involved with. But you get the idea.

Beckas eyes went wide. She opened her mouth. Then she closed it again. Then she opened it again.

You look like a fish, Annie said.

Becka did the opening-and-closing-her-mouth thing a few more times. Um"wow, she said finally.

You do think Im a horrible person, Annie said.

Becka shook her head. No, I dont, she said. She looked at Annie for a moment. When you say you cheated, do you mean that you"you know? She raised her eyebrows and waited for Annies answer.

Annie looked at her for a moment, confused. Then she realized what Becka was asking. Oh! she said, a little shocked. No. I mean, Ive never. No, we didnt. No. Definitely not.

Becka smiled slightly. Then what exactly do you mean? she asked.

We kissed, Annie said. But that wasnt the big deal, really. It was more the way we felt about each other.

Meaning? Becka queried.

Annie bit her lip for a moment. How could she best explain what had gone on between her and Tyler?

It was like we both felt that if the situation was different, the two of us would be together, she said.

Becka nodded. Got you, she said. If Kate wasnt around, youd be the one smooching with him.

Its like were just more right together than he and Kate are, Annie said, talking to herself as much as to Becka.

But not enough for him to break up with her? asked Becka.

I dont know what h.e.l.l do, said Annie. But even if he did do that, we couldnt be together. That would just be too weird. I mean, Kates my best friend. Weve been through a lot together.

And now the problem is that you feel weird around her, Becka said. Because you feel all guilty.

Right, Annie said. Even though nothing is going on between me and Tyler right now, every time I see Kates face I think about how she trusts me and how I betrayed that trust. I want to tell her everything and just get it out in the open.

Dont! Becka exclaimed. Whatever you do, do not tell her about this.

But" Annie began.

Becka reached out and touched her leg. Just listen, she said. I know how you feel. Trust me, I do.

And I can tell you that the absolute worst thing you can do is tell Kate about this. The only person who will feel any better is you . You want to tell her because you want to get it off your chest. You want her to forgive you. But you know what? Shes going to feel horrible, because youre going to put her in this position where if she doesnt forgive you she looks like the bad guy, and if she says she forgives you when she doesnt shes going to hurt like crazy. Right now she doesnt know anything about this. You and Tyler seem to have decided that things between you arent going to go anywhere. Maybe h.e.l.l break up with Kate. Maybe he wont. But this is about you and Kate.

Becka stopped talking and took Annies hand. I know that was a long speech, she said. But this is something I know about. Someone cheated on me once. He decided to come clean, and I really wish he hadnt. It wasnt going to happen again, and it didnt mean anything. It was just something that happened.

But as soon as I found out, it made me doubt everything. I ended up losing a great guy and a great friend because I couldnt handle it.

But if I dont tell her, then Im always going to feel guilty, Annie said.

Maybe you will, answered Becka. Maybe it will go away with time. But look at it as the price you have to pay to make your friend happy by keeping her in the dark. You made a mistake, Annie. We all make mistakes. Dont make it worse now by dumping your hurt on Kate so that you can try to feel better. Tell me. Tell Cooper. Tell whoever you know will listen and keep their mouth shut. But theres one person you never tell, and thats Kate.

Annie felt the tears beginning to come. She sniffled, holding them back. I was so stupid, she said. All I had to do was not kiss him. Why couldnt I do that? Of all the guys in the world, why did I have to go and kiss that one?

Because you did, said Becka. Dont a.n.a.lyze it. Beat yourself up a little bit and then let it go.

I dont know how, Annie told her. I just dont know how.

Becka looked at her thoughtfully. How about a little ritual? she suggested. You know how you and Dixie did that one to help your parents? Well, do one to get rid of what youre feeling. Can you do something like that?

Annie thought about the suggestion for a minute. Maybe I could, she thought. She looked at Becka.

Do you want to help me?

Me? Becka said. What can I do?

The same thing you did when we did the ritual in my old house, said Annie. You can lend your energy.

Sure, Becka said. If you think it will help.

It cant hurt, Annie said.

She went to her closet and got five white candles. She placed four of them on the floor at the points where the four directions would be on a circle, and the fifth one she placed in the center of the circle.

Then she looked around the room.

Ill be right back, she told Becka.

She left and went downstairs. A few minutes later she returned carrying something in her hand.

What is that? Becka asked.

Annie held up a small round stone. I got it out of the garden, she said. Im sure theyre all down there wondering what were up to.

Becka giggled. What are they doing?

Aunt Sarah and your dad are making pasta sauce, Annie told her. She was feeding it to him from the spoon.

Becka laughed again. I hope shes a better cook than he is then, she said. He couldnt boil water.

Then were in trouble, said Annie. Well go down and rescue them from themselves when were done here. But lets get this going.

What are we going to do with the rock? Becka asked.

Youll see in a minute, Annie replied. Right now lets cast the circle.

She had Becka sit on one side of the central candle and she sat on the other. She took matches and lit the first candle. Flame of the East, she said. Spirit of air. Burn brightly in our circle. Then she lit the second, saying, Flame of the South, spirit of fire. Burn brightly in our circle. The third and fourth candles, symbolizing the flames of the North and the West, were then lit with similar incantations invoking the spirits of water and earth. Then Annie lit the central candle. As she did she said, Flame of the center, spirit of healing. Burn brightly in our circle.

When she was finished lighting the candles she looked across the flame at Becka. Do you remember how we raised energy the last time? she asked her. We visualized white light coming up from the earth and out through our hands.

Right, Becka said.

Were going to do something like that now, Annie told her. The purpose is the same. We want our intentions to empower the circle. We want the energy to fill the sacred s.p.a.ce. But there are many ways of doing that. The white light of meditation is just easiest for most people, which is why we did it that way before.

How will we do it this time? Becka asked her.

I want to try something, Annie replied. Ive been reading about the Asatru practices. Asatru is the religion of the Norse people, she added when Becka looked at her blankly.

Becka nodded. I dont really know about that, she said.

They were really into the idea of there being balance in nature, said Annie. Dark and light, birth and death, the sun and the moon. That sort of thing. The ritual were doing is all about balance, in a way. So maybe we can try raising energy by saying words that balance each other. Cooper and Kate and I have done something similar before where we go around the circle each saying a word that reminds us of the word said by the previous person.

So youll say a word and Ill say a word that I think balances it? Becka said.

Annie nodded. Close your eyes, she said. As we say the words, imagine the circle glowing with two kinds of energy. One can be golden. Imagine it swirling clockwise around the circle, surrounding us. The other can be purple. Imagine it swirling counterclockwise, or widdershins.

Good word, Becka remarked.

It sounds so much better than counterclockwise , Annie agreed. Anyway, imagine the purple energy flowing widdershins. The two of them balance one another. Ready?

Go for it, said Becka.

Annie closed her eyes and let a word appear in her thoughts. Summer, she said, and immediately pictured a drop of golden light rolling around the circle, forming a boundary.

Winter, Becka replied, and Annie could see the purple energy flowing in the opposite direction. The two colors pa.s.sed one another, forming two half circles before completing their rounds and finishing the two separate, but adjoining, circles.

Annie thought of another word. Joy, she said.

Becka paused a moment, then said, Sadness.

With each new set of words, Annie felt the two powers that composed the circle growing stronger. It was like holding on to a string and feeling someone pulling on the other end while she pulled on her end.

The energies complemented one another, and together they made one circle of power.

They went through a dozen groups of words. Then Annie stopped. The circle felt strong enough for her.

She opened her eyes and saw Becka sitting across from her, eyes closed and with a smile on her lips.

You can open your eyes, Annie told her.

Becka blinked. I can feel it, she whispered excitedly. Its like being in a whirlpool!

That was kind of what I was going for, Annie said. She picked up the rock and held it in her hands.

Now for step two. This rock represents how I feel inside"hard and cold. It also represents earth, and the earth can absorb a lot of things and transform them into energy. Im going to put all of my feelings of sadness and fear into the rock.

And then what? Becka asked. Hurl it through someones window?

No, Annie said, laughing at Beckas suggestion. Im going to put it back in the garden.

Which will achieve what? Becka asked.