Chung Kuo - The Marriage Of The Living Dark Part 46

"I won't"

Turning, she made her way back along the corridor, the book held tightly in her hand, a burning curiosity filling her.

Fate. Fate was playing tricks with them all in these final days, like a player moving the stones.

And in her head she saw the woman struggling along a mountain path, the heavy backpack weighing her down, and wondered why.

Daniel was dozing, not quite asleep, yet dreaming, when the door to his room opened and someone crept in. There was the rustle of something falling to the floor, then someone - warm and quite definitely female, slipped in beside him. Surprised, he edged back slightly, then sat, turning on the bedside lamp.

"Siri?"

She looked up at him, the sheet pulled up about her neck, an uncertain smile on her lips.

"What are you doing here?"

It was, he knew, a silly, senseless question. He knew what she was doing there. One did not come to a young man's bed in the middle of the night - one did not cast off one's clothes and slip in beside him - if you wanted only to talk. But her simple presence there threw him. He found himself blushing, and holding the sheet to himself, as if to conceal his own nakedness. "You can't stay," he said, when she didn't answer. "You..." She reached out and touched him, her soft, warm hand resting on his hip. It made him feel strange. The cloth had fallen away from her slightly, revealing one of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. He stared, as if he had not seen her naked before, surprised by the hardness of the nipple, knowing instinctively what it meant.He took a small, shuddering breath, then reached down, removing her hand. "Siri... you can't stay. Really."

She blinked, surprised. There was doubt in her eyes now, and disappointment Meeting those eyes, Daniel frowned, surprised to find her close to tears. He eased back, away from her, then turned and, bending down to retrieve it, pulled on his cloak, fastening it tight about his waist He turned back, looking down at her. She was crying now. Tears dropped one after another from her bottom lids, running down her cheeks and into the hollow of her neck. Yet still she was silent.

Daniel walked round the bed and picked up her sleeping robe, then held it out to her.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm very flattered. You're very beautiful, but..."

"If s true, then," she said bluntly.

He frowned.

Siri looked down, then wiped the back of her hand across her cheeks. "Still, I guess if s not your fault."

"I'm sorry?"

She met his eyes again. "All those boys and no girls. It must ... change you." He laughed. A short, humourless laugh. So thaf s what she thought And yet even if it were true, why should he be ashamed of that? It was the comfort, the feeling of being loved - of loving - that mattered, nothing else. "Is that what you think? That I prefer boys?"

"Well, don't you?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I've never had the chance to find out. Before tonight, that is."

She looked down again, swallowing, then, raising her head defiantly, threw the sheet aside. "Well? Do you want to find out?"

He stared at her, aroused by her arousal. Wanting her, despite his qualms. Even so, it felt wrong. "No," he said finally, holding out her cloak to her. "Not now. Not like this."

He saw how much his denial hurt her, and wished - truly wished - he could be selfish and just have her. f.u.c.k her, the way he'd been f.u.c.ked, or had f.u.c.ked others. The way it was in the camp. But he didn't want that Not here. "I'm sorry," he said again. "Really I am." She stared at him, then, standing abruptly, s.n.a.t.c.hed the cloak from his hand and pulled it on. For a moment he thought that she would strike him, there was such anger in her, but then, unexpectedly, she stepped close and, pressing her mouth to his, kissed him.

"There," she said, standing back "Now you know." She was trembling faintly. Her hands clenched and unclenched. And then she was gone. Without another word, another look Daniel turned, staring at the open door. He could hear her footsteps departing down the corridor. A door slammed shut. Daniel closed the door then went across and sat Drawing aside his cloak, he stared down at himself, surprised. At least he had learned that much about himself. For a moment he closed his eyes, imagining it, remembering the warmth of her body against his. It would have been so easy. Easy, yes, but wrong. A violation.

Yet still it troubled him. Was he right to spurn her? Wasn't that a kind of selfishness? After all, all she wanted was a little comfort A little love. He shook his head, confused now. He'd made her cry. He hadn't meant to, but he had, when he could so easily have made her happy. "Aiya," he said quietly, knowing that he wouldn't sleep. "Why now? Why now of all things?"

Yet he knew why. They all knew why. They were coming to the end of time. The end of human history. And at the end people did such things, took such risks. So maybe he was wrong. Wrong to be so fastidious; to reject such a simple, heartfelt offer of love.

Emily. Yes, Emily would know.

He stood up, then crossed the room, determined to go to her at once. And stopped.What if she was asleep? What if she didn't think this was such a major thing? To wake her over a ... a nothing.

Then again, why had she brought his attention to it in the first place if it wasn't important?

Okay, he thought. Ill go and see her. But if she's sleeping, III come back. It can wait, after all.

It could wait Then again, the world might end tomorrow. Pulling open the door, he hurried down the corridor, heading for Emily's private rooms.

"Daniel?"

He stepped into the room, then pulled the door closed behind him. "I'm sorry. If if s too late, I'll..."

"No," Emily said, setting the book aside, then patting the bed beside her. "Come and sit with me. You want to talk, I take it?"

Daniel nodded, then went across and sat "So?" she asked, reaching out to take his right hand in both of hers. "What is it?"

He seemed embarra.s.sed, awkward for once. "If s Siri," he said finally, not meeting her eyes. "She came to my room, just now. She wanted ..." "Ah..." Emily nodded. So it had come to this. "How old are you, Daniel?"

"Seventeen."

"Yes." She smiled and squeezed his hand. "Seventeen. G.o.ds, it seems so long ago since I was seventeen. Some days I feel ageless, like the rock thaf s all around us."

He met her eyes, curious to know where this was leading.

"And?"

"And I know that some things are difficult, no matter how old you are. Love, for one. It never gets any easier, Daniel. Never. And no one knows all the answers, not even me. But I do know that you're a good person, and that if you sent her away - and I a.s.sume you did, or you wouldn't be here now wearing that hangdog expression - then it was for a good reason, even if you don't understand what that reason is."

"You think so?"

She nodded. "We are s.e.xual creatures, Daniel. All of us. But sometimes that physical side of it isn't enough. Sometimes there's something much more important to us."

Daniel sighed. "Maybe. Yet I feel so confused about it I... I want her, mother. I mean, my body ..." He blushed. "But I can't. Something stops ma" "That's okay," she said. "Ifs nothing to be ashamed of. Indeed, I'd say it was something to be proud of. You want her, but you don't feel that you want to commit to her, and you sense that if you sleep with her she'll expect that kind of commitment right?"

Daniel hesitated, then gave a single nod.

"And you don't want to simply use her, right?".

"Right" he said quietly.

"Then you're right not to, Daniel. Simple as that Sin's lovely, but she's not what you want."

He frowned. "But I don't know what I want"

"Oh, you do, but you haven't met her yet."

He laughed. "That sounds .. . well, mystical."

"Maybe, but if s true. We each of us carry the pattern of the other - the intended other - within us. Many of us never find that intended other, but she, or he, is there."

"I wish I could believe that"

"Oh, but you do. Otherwise you'd be back in your room right now, with Siri." He looked down again. "What you say... maybe thaf s so. Maybe there is a special someone for me. But I'll tell you what I felt I felt... well, I felt that it was somehow important who I slept with. So much else about my life has been ill, I don't want to spoil this."

Emily was watching him, a tender smile lighting her features. "You know, you're a very kind person, Daniel. Siri will be hurting now. She's probably in her room right now, crying into her pillow at your rejection of her. But it would have been much worse if you had used and then discarded her. Even now, in these final days, we need to remember such things, and act to minimise the hurt we cause to others.""And what I feel... physically?"

Emily released his hand then pushed him away playfully. "I don't think you need me to tell you what to do, young Daniel."

He stared at her a moment, astonished, then, seeing the teasing expression in her eyes, looked down, blushing.

"I may not have lived in the camps, Daniel, nor seen what you've seen, but I've raised a dozen boys of my own. And there's not a single one of you who doesn't seek solace in that fashion at one time or another." He swallowed, then, returning to the subject, asked, "And the girl?"

'Til see to Siri, Daniel. In fact, I'll go and see her now. Oh, and don't fear.

Nothing of what was said here will pa.s.s my lips."

He grinned, grateful for her tact "And Daniel... here. I doubt you'll sleep, so take this and read it. You can return it to me in the morning."

After he'd gone, Emily sat there for a long time thinking, her mind filled not only with what Daniel had said, but also with the history she had been reading and her thoughts on the slow encroachment of the floraforms. Time was ending. She had no doubt of it. For Time was nothing without some conscious mind to mark its pa.s.sing. And though the floraforms seemed intelligent, she could not believe that, once man had pa.s.sed from this planet, it would concern itself with hours and minutes and seconds. In the place of Time would be an endless Now, a green unmeasured haze. As there had been before human consciousness evolved, six million years ago.

Hannah's words had surprised her. She had not known -had not even suspected - that Man had been on earth so long, nor that so little of Man's history had been charted. It was almost as if nothing had happened but for those last few moments of Man's existence - ten thousand years out of a period six hundred times as long. There had been a blink of frenetic activity - of frantic exponential growth - and then...

FLOWERS.

"Nothing..."

She breathed the word, trying it out on the air. It was a frightening thought But maybe not as frightening as the triumph of DeVore. At least he would not inherit Not now.

Beneath that vague unfocused fear, she felt a sadness that her adopted sons and their children would not live to see a brighter future. But so it was. They had unlocked Pandora's box and this was the result. Emily stood and, pulling on her cloak, went out. Outside Siri's door, she stopped and listened. There was no sound. No sound at all. She tried the door. It was ajar. She pushed it and stepped inside, listening once more.

"Siri?"

There was a sound from her right, from the bathroom. She walked across and gently tapped.

"Siri? Siri, are you in there?"

There was a heavy sigh, then. "What?"

"Siri, can I speak to you?"

There was a long pause, then the door opened a crack Siri's face, puffed and swollen, looked out from the brightness within. "Siri?"

Siri stood back, letting Emily enter. She waited until Emily had sat on the edge of the long, narrow bath, then, sighing, said, "He told you, did he?" "Who?"

"Daniel. He told you I went to him."

Faced by the direct statement, Emily found she could not lie. "Yes," she said.

"He was worried about you. He thought... he thought he'd hurt you."

"He did. But maybe if s for the best, neh?"

That "neh?', with its edge of cynicism, surprised Emily. She looked at Siri anew, recognising in that moment just how much Siri had pinned her hopes on winning Daniel's love.

Tm sorry," she began, but Siri put up her hands, as if to fend her off. "I don't want your pity," she said, her face hard now. "No, nor your advice. So you can save all of your rehea.r.s.ed speeches for someone else. I don't need them."Emily looked down, then shrugged. "I'm sorry," she said again. "Really I am." She paused, then, "You want some time off?"

Siri shook her head, then walked over to the sink and began to wash her face, attending to the task with an exaggerated concentration, as if to negate Emily's presence there in the room.

Emily watched her a moment, then stood. She would need to keep an eye on Siri these next few days. Who knew what stunts she'd try? "All right," she said finally. "I'll leave you then."

Siri gave a little grunt of acknowledgment, then carried on washing. Aiya, she thought as she closed the door behind her. Then, knowing she would not sleep unless she did something about it, she turned and began to walk towards the nearest guard room. It wouldn't hurt to have someone check on the girl every few hours or so. Just in case.

DeVore walked from the cell, a faint smile on his lips. At last! At-f.u.c.king-last! As guards bowed low or hurried to open doors for him, he began to laugh, a gentle yet triumphant laugh.

The prisoner was dead. He'd heaved a sigh and died, like a gutted fish expiring on the slab.

Dead but he won't tie down ...

He felt calm; strangely, abnormally calm. Stepping into the darkened suite of rooms which once had housed Pei K'ung, Li Yuan's fifth wife DeVore sniffed the air and smiled. The dirty t.i.ttle dog! He tiptoed across and looked. Yes, there they were, then-naked bodies entwined about each other's. He stood there, studying them a moment, then reached out and tugged at the boy's big toe.