Christmas Entertainments Part 22

Here comes the Brownie man!

The Christmas pie is made to-night!

We'll steal it if we can.

Whist, whist, whist!

The scullions will be fled!

Oh, what a time we'll have to-night When everyone's in bed.

_(Enter Frip dramatically L.)_

_Frip:_ Whist!

_Brownies_: Frip! _(All prostrate themselves, touching ground with their foreheads_.)

_Frip_: The deed is done! The scullions all are packing!

_Brownies_: Oh, n.o.ble Frip!

_Tip_: How did you manage it?

_Frip (seating himself on arm of chair. Brownies sit on floor centre, facing him, sideface to audience):_ I bellowed so--Oooooooh!!!!

_(groans)_ and tweaked their ugly noses, and whispered through the keyhole, "Wait till you guard the Christmas pie to-night!" until they all fled shivering to the cook, to give him notice! And now none will be left to guard the pie!

_Brownies_: 'Tis ours! 'Tis ours! _(Brownies rub themselves delightedly.)_

_Frip_: Hush! Now the kitchenmaid and cooklet come, to make all ready for his highness the head cook! We must leave them in peace until the pie is made! But then--

_Brownies_: We'll steal it! _(Singing.)_

Whist, whist, whist!

Here comes the Brownie man, The Christmas pie is made to-night We'll steal it if we can!

Whist, whist, whist!

The scullions will be fled!

Oh! what a time we'll have to-night When everyone's in bed!

_(They dance off_ R. _Music changes to a bright march. Enter the Kitchenmaid and Cooklet. The Kitchenmaid is a short, fat, rosy, brisk little girl. The Cooklet is a lanky, lazy, sentimental-looking girl.

The Kitchenmaid carries pasteboard, with pie-disk, rolling-pin, basin of pastry, mince meat, etc., and enters staggering under her burden.

The Cooklet carries a small basin with three apples and a knife, and eats apples as she peels them.)_

_Kitchen_: Oh, my eye and Betty Martin! What a pie we're going to make to-night! Now look sharp, Cooklet, and peel the apples, for the head cook will be here in half a minute, and the Princess, too, to give the final stir-about; and if things aren't ready for her, we shall have our heads chopped off. Oh, dearie, dearie, dearie, dear! _(Takes apples from Cooklet and peels them briskly.)_

_Cooklet (sitting on stool, yawning)_: Ah, it's all very well for the Princess! Nothing to do but eat and sleep all day. I wish I were she!

_Kitchen_: My word! I thank my stars I'm not! There she sits all day with those stuck-up ladies, who rule her and fool her and manage her and bully her till she can't call her soul her own! And all the nice young princes who come riding to the castle are sent away without getting so much as a peep at her, because her ladies are so afraid she'll marry one, and then their turned-up noses would be out of joint!

_Cooklet_: They tell the princes that the Princess is too weary to be troubled with them!

_Kitchen_: Trouble, indeed! She'd find it no trouble to choose a sweetheart from those nice young men if she were allowed to see them, but she'll never do that, if her ladies have a word in the matter!

_(Furious talking outside.)_

_Kitchen_: Oh dearie, dearie, dearie, dear! If it isn't the head cook!

And oh, my stars, what's happened?

_(Enter Head Cook, angrily. Kitchenmaid and Cooklet both stand trembling with fright.)_

_Head Cook_: Nevaire did I hear such impertinence. Who has gone, do you sink? Who has packed up their traps and left me to-night--to-night of all nights! Ze night I make ze Christmas pie! Ze night ze Princess comes with all her ladies to give ze final stir-about! Who? Vat? Ven?

Vy? Vy?? vy???

_Cooklet and Kitchen (falling on their knees, clasping their hands entreatingly)_: O sir, pray calm yourself!

_Head Cook (dancing about with rage, and shouting)_: Calm! I am nevaire so perfectly calm in my life! My scullions have gone! Zey vill not vatch ze pie! Because zey fear ze Brownies!

_Kitchen_: The scullions gone?

_Cooklet_: Then who's to guard it?

_Head Cook_: You--of course--you earthworms!

_Both_: O dear, kind cook, we daren't! _(They grovel with fear.)_

_Head Cook (thunderously)_: Daren't?

_Cooklet_: We're afraid of the dark!

_Kitchen_: And oh, we're afraid of the Brownies!

_Head Cook_: Afraid--afraid--but vat is zere to be afraid? If ze Brownies come, you have only to sprinkle zem with ze magical red pepper!

_Cooklet_: I should faint directly I saw them!

_Kitchen_: O dear, good, handsome, gentle cook, please don't leave us alone down here to-night!

_Head Cook (almost speechless with rage)_: But vat you vant? Do you mean to say--you--vant--Me--so gr-r-r-reat--so gr-r-rand--so mightiful--Me--Chief Head Cook--you vant zat I should keep my eyes avake all night--ven I have a kitchenmaid and cooklet to suffaire for me? Is zat vat you mean, heh?

_(They nod sheepishly.)_

_Cooklet_: You're a man!

_Head Cook_: Me--a man! Vat nonsense! I am cook! You have ze most enormous cheek I've ever hit upon! Bah! _(Hits them with rolling-pin.)_ Get up--you cr-r-r-rawling caterpillars! _(Knock at the door; they scream.)_ Vat! now you make a noise, you squeaking beetles!

_Kitchen_: There's some one at the door. _(They stand trembling.)_

_Cooklet_: Oh, it sounds like a man!

_Head Cook (excitedly)_: A man--my scullions--they have retur-r-rned to me!

_Cooklet_: The scullions! Saved! _(Runs to door_ R; _opens it.)_

_Kitchen_: Oh, it's only a beggar! Be off! _(About to shut door.)_

_Prince (outside)_: Nay, mistress, I come in search of work!