Chocoholics: Love And Lists Part 18

The scent of bike fumes, sweat-stained leather, and cigarette smoke filled my nostrils and I inhaled deeply. I loved that smell. It was the smell of my childhood, the smell of safety and home.

My very first memory was of being three years old, metal and Harley Davidson wings gleaming in the sunlight, the thick, acrid smell of exhaust fumes, clouds of cigarette smoke, stale sweat stained yellow on white T-shirts, the bitter sting of alcohol filling my nostrils, worn and cracked leather soft against my cheek, grease-stained hands lifting me up into the air, accompanied by loud, raucous laughter.

I smiled up at my father. "Love you, Daddy."

Grinning, he planted a big, wet kiss on my forehead.

Even at fifty-three, my father was a great-looking guy. He was tall and broad, thickly muscled, with a pair of sparkling ice blue eyes identical to my own. His graying hair was long and blond, usually pulled back, and a short beard framed his face. But it was his grin that got him into trouble. My father grinned and women swooned.

Honestly, I didn't have a clue how Eva put up with all the female attention he got around the club. Whenever I asked, she'd always shrug and say, "It's typical."

Eva and I were both biker brats, but whereas Preacher raised her inside his clubhouse alongside his boys, I was raised at home. I frequented the clubhouse on occasion but hadn't become an integral part of "the life" until my father brought Eva home with him, pregnant with my little sister, Ivy, about five years back. And everything changed.

Because of Eva, I'd been able to start spending more time at the club, finally getting a chance to know the men I'd known all my life but had never gotten the chance to really, truly know until now. I'd formed relationships with all of them-Tap, Bucket, ZZ, Marsh, Hawk, Mick, Freebird, c.o.x, Blue, Chip, Worm, Dimebag, Dirty, and Jase. And also Danny D. and Danny L. who, because they had the same first name as me, I ended up calling them DoubleD and DL, which they loved, and eventually the names stuck.

They were all so different, young and old, their appearances varying as much as their ages, but they all had one thing in common.

Brotherhood.

It was everything to them; they would take a bullet for one another as soon as take their next breath. And my father, their president, in return for their loyalty took care of them and their families. It was a never-ending cycle of allegiance and respect and ... love.

Even so, I knew this life wasn't all sunshine and roses. Being the daughter of a hardened criminal, I knew sunshine and roses for what they really were. Few and far between. Especially in my family.

When I was seven my father attended a parent/teacher conference with my mother. It was his first and his last. My second grade teacher had made the mistake of informing my parents I was falling behind in cla.s.s and would probably need to repeat second grade. Needless to say, my father took this as a slam against me and a personal insult to his parenting. Mr. Steinberg never did return to teaching after he'd recovered from his injuries.

When I was twelve my brother took on four boys who were picking on me and in turn got his a.s.s kicked. As he limped away, he spit out a tooth and grinned at me. "They'll think twice next time, little sister," he said, slinging his arm over my shoulders. "No one's gonna mess with a girl who's got a brother crazy enough to take on four guys at once."

And I thought ... that's what love is.

To some, the idea of violence being interpreted as love is ludicrous, but to me, it was my reality. It is my reality.

"Hiya, Danny girl," Preacher said, holding out his arms.

My father let me go and I wrapped my arms around Preacher's middle and squeezed.

"Lookin' gorgeous as always, sweetheart," he said in his gruff, raspy voice. He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and released me.

Grabbing a beer from a cooler, I crossed the lawn headed for Eva. Talking with Kami, Eva paused to shoot me a quick smile. Eva and Kami were polar opposites in every way. Married with two kids with c.o.x, my father's super s.e.xy tattooed and pierced road chief, Kami was blue-eyed and blonde, tall and runway-model thin, whereas Eva had smoky gray eyes, long dark hair, and curves. But they were kindred spirits, had been friends for thirty years now, and I often found myself jealous of what they shared, their ability to tell each other anything and everything, to be there for each other no matter what.

I'd never had that. With anyone.

And I wanted it. Desperately.

But I've wanted a lot of things over the years that I'd never gotten, and eventually I learned to accept the fact that some things would forever be out of my reach.

I stepped up beside Dorothy, placed my palm on her swollen belly, and gave her a light rub. Blowing out a breath, she shoved her red hair out of her eyes and covered my hand with hers.

"Only a few more weeks, Danny." She sighed. "I can't wait for this baby to come out. I'm too old to be pregnant."

I gave her a sympathetic smile.

At thirty-six, Dorothy wasn't old, but she was an old soul. She'd gotten pregnant at sixteen, married at eighteen, and had lived for too long in a bad marriage with a man who wanted nothing to do with her. In her early twenties she met Jase, one of my father's lifers and, and started coming to the club to be with him when he wasn't at home with his wife, Chrissy, and their three kids.

Dorothy Kelley wasn't like the rest of the club wh.o.r.es that flocked to the MC. She truly loved Jase and Jase adored her. Just not enough to leave his wife. Now she was a permanent fixture at the club. She was paid to cook, clean, and do the laundry, and she'd since left her husband and lived in an apartment Jase paid for in town. Her daughter, Tegen, two years younger than me, was away at college in San Francisco. Now, Dorothy spent practically all of her time at the club. She and I had grown close over the past four years, and although I disapproved of the love triangle she was involved in, I loved her with all my heart.

A familiar arm slid around my middle and pulled me close.

"Hey, baby," ZZ whispered, slipping his fingertips in the waistband of my jeans. With his other hand, he grabbed my beer and took a long swallow.

I turned into his big, hard body and slipped my arms around his waist. "Hey, you," I whispered back, kissing his sternum.

ZZ was another lifer, thirty years old, big and strong, long brown hair, matching brown eyes, squared handsome features, and a perpetual five o'clock shadow. And he was a sweetheart. As far as boyfriends went, I'd hit the jackpot. Kind and thoughtful, educated and well-read, faithful in a club constantly filled with wh.o.r.es, ZZ was everything a girl could hope for in a man.

"Evie." Kami laughed. "Big, s.e.xy, and scary is staring again."

We all turned to find my father watching Eva the way he always watched Eva. Intense. Wholly possessive. s.e.xual to the nth degree.

Grossed out, I turned away.

"Watch this," Eva whispered, and bent over to pick up Kami's one-year-old son, Diesel. Her jeans pulled down, her shirt pulled up, and deuce, tattooed above her a.s.s in large scrolling script, was front and center in my father's line of sight.

I didn't have to look to know my father was ten seconds away from stalking across the lawn and throwing her over his shoulder. That he was a caveman, when it came to Eva, was putting it mildly. As happy as I was that they were happy, the ick factor at watching my father always groping my stepmother was off the charts.

But all that said, my father and Eva had come a long way. A few years back, right before my eighteenth birthday, Eva's now deceased husband, Frankie "Crazy" Deluva, had brutalized her in front of my father. The whole ordeal had ended with Eva forced to kill her husband, all of which had left her relationship with my father terribly damaged. It had been a hard road back, and seeing them like this, happy and still very much in love, was truly a blessing.

"You're terrible," Adriana scolded Eva, laughing.

Adriana's husband, Mick, my father's VP and best friend, pulled her close and kissed her cheek.

"Babe," he growled. "I'm thinkin' you need to start bein' more terrible."

Adriana giggled.

"Be right back, babe," ZZ whispered, kissing my lips as he squeezed my backside. Grabbing Mick, he flashed me a s.h.i.t-eating grin and took off across the lawn just as a blaze of pink and pigtails came streaking by.

"Get back here, you crazy little s.h.i.t!" Cage bellowed, running after Ivy. "And give me my keys!"

Laughing like a maniac, Ivy kept running. Cage ran faster, shooting past her, and Ivy tried to go left, but Cage was quicker and grabbed her.

"Gotcha!" he said as she shrieked and giggled until he set her down.

"Ivy Olivia West!" Eva yelled. "Give your brother his keys!"

"Here," Ivy muttered, slapping the keys into his outstretched hand. Cage's hand closed around hers and he pulled her forward into a bear hug.

"Love you, you crazy little s.h.i.t," he growled. "Couldn't have asked for a better sister. 'Cause, ya know, Danny's kinda b.i.t.c.hy."

Rolling my eyes, I flipped them off and in return received two grins identical to my own.

I shook my head. Ivy was learning all of her life lessons from our arrogant, womanizing, prankster of a brother. The arrogance I couldn't fault him for. He was a great-looking guy, a younger, less harsh version of our father. Tall and muscular with long blond hair and dark chocolate eyes, the girls loved him. And he loved them back. However, the womanizing and constant pranks I could fault him for, and Ivy was following in his footsteps. She knew just the right thing to say to get her way, putting on the perfect pouty face and batting her wide blue eyes ... ugh. And Eva, always keeping her in pigtails and Chucks, making both my father's and brother's hearts melt every time they laid eyes on her. Blech. Blargh. Blah. I had no doubt when she was older, she would be giving our elderly father several dozen heart attacks.

"She is such a little monster," Eva said, smiling fondly at Ivy.

"An adorable monster," Kami added.

"Ha," Eva scoffed. "You only think she's adorable because you don't h-"

Done with the conversation, I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked off, weaving my way through the groups of bikers, women, and children who were talking, laughing, dancing. It was serene. Picture-perfect.

Well, almost picture-perfect.

"Danny!"

Cringing, I spun around ready to hurry in the opposite direction but wasn't fast enough. My longtime friend Anabeth s.n.a.t.c.hed my bicep and yanked me sideways. I stumbled to a stop and faced her. Like me, Anabeth was blonde, blue-eyed, and pretty. We were both in shape but whereas Anabeth was thin, I was more muscular. Ten years of gymnastics and four years of cheerleading will do that to you. I kept my hair long, highlighted, and styled, and Anabeth had hers short, cut into a smooth bob with razor-straight bangs. Currently she was wearing a deep blue mini dress and chunky blue espadrilles. In her ears were giant blue hoops, much like the fifty-plus she had on each of her arms. A few years ago I would have complimented her outfit, would have been wearing something similar myself, most likely pink. But that wasn't the case anymore. Anabeth and I were worlds apart. Actually, everyone and I were worlds apart ...

I'd lost something inside of me, something important, something special that had made me who I'd been, and slowly the color had seeped out of my world.

Anabeth gave my dark-washed jeans and black V-neck tee a once-over. Her gaze landed on my feet and she narrowed her eyes. "Are you wearing green ... Converse sneakers?"

Sighing, I looked down at my feet. I was. Chucks were all Eva wore aside from a few pairs of flip-flops, so in turn, Chucks were all Ivy and I got when Eva went shoe shopping. Combined, I would say the three of us had about a hundred pairs in a wide variety of colors.

"I kinda like them," I said and shrugged.

"I dig 'em," Freebird said. Freebird was an old biker who'd left his brain back in nineteen sixty-five. He had his old lady with him today, Apple Dumplin', who, like him, had long gray hair and more wrinkles then a crinkled-up piece of paper.

"Wat up, Danny girl?" Tap said, holding out his fist. I fist-b.u.mped him and smiled.

Tap was in his late forties, not overly tall but made up for what he lacked in height in muscle. Built like a boxer, his muscles along with his long black hair and goatee were intimidating unless you knew him. He was one of the Hors.e.m.e.n's most even-tempered boys.

"Hannah says her h.e.l.los. She's hopin' you're comin' to visit Atlanta again soon."

Hannah was Tap's daughter. When Tap's wife, Tara, had left him, she'd taken Hannah and moved to Atlanta. Hannah was older than me, but we were both the daughters of Hors.e.m.e.n and had always known each other.

"I called her last week," I said, smiling. "She told me the good news."

He grinned. "Can't believe my baby's havin' a baby."

"Here ya go, babe," Ripper said, shoving in between Tap and Apple, offering a bottle of beer to Anabeth.

"Thanks," Anabeth said, smiling up at him.

Ripper stared down at Anabeth, his lips curving into a grin, his expression smug, knowing.

My stomach lurched and I quickly turned away, wanting to make a hasty exit before he noticed I was standing there. Ripper and I were ... There just weren't words for what Ripper and I were.

I was three years old when my father met Erik "Ripper" Jacobs at a bike rally while on a run through San Antonio. Ripper was only seventeen at the time, having just lost both his parents to a drunk driving accident back home in Los Angeles. He had skipped town two days after the funeral on a stolen motorcycle, just three weeks before his high school graduation.

The boys liked him immediately, and when the h.e.l.l's Hors.e.m.e.n returned to Montana, he was with them.

After only three months of doing grunt work around the club, he was unanimously voted and patched in as a brother. A year later, my father promoted him to sergeant at arms and coined him "Ripper" after "Jack the Ripper," for being as talented with a blade as he was.

Being so young and new to the club and the life, moving up in the ranks so quickly was virtually unheard of. But Ripper was special and everyone knew it. He always had a smile on his face, a joke on the tip of his tongue. He was good with people, could talk nearly anyone into anything just by flashing a grin.

"Hey there, Ripper!" Apple said happily. "Danny was just tellin' us that she talked to Hannah last week. Tell us what else she said, Danny girl."

I stopped retreating and turned slowly back around. Ripper's deep blue gaze found mine.

He had his gla.s.s eye in today, a very realistic copy of the one that had been painfully taken from him, along with his fun-loving personality, by the same man who'd almost ruined my father's relationship with Eva. Frankie.

But Ripper didn't care about how he looked, unless ...

I glanced back at Anabeth.

Unless he was trying to impress someone.

I pushed my sungla.s.ses up over my head. "Ripper," I greeted him evenly.

We stared at each other.

Wh.o.r.e, I thought bitterly.

His expression went cold. Don't start, Danny, his face said.

My fists clenched. I hated our silent conversations, but since neither of us could be civil to each other, silent was the only form of communication we had. And even silent we couldn't keep our emotions from unraveling.

"Ripper's going to take me for a ride tonight!" Anabeth said excitedly.

I glared at him. I just bet you are.

He glared back. What's wrong, baby? ZZ not givin' you the kinda ride you need?

Shut. Up.

He raised an eyebrow. Hittin' a nerve, huh?

Not. Anabeth, I begged him with my eyes. Please. Not. My. Friends.

Ripper's scar-slashed mouth twisted into a mocking smirk. Oh, so now there are rules? You can f.u.c.k my friends but I can't f.u.c.k yours? Don't exactly seem fair, baby.

Ripper kept his gaze on me while he slid his arm around Anabeth's shoulders and began tracing her collarbone with the tip of his finger.

"'Bout that ride, beautiful girl, where you wanna go?"

Anabeth, hearing the words "beautiful girl" in reference to her, beamed up at him.

Me, hearing the words "beautiful girl" come out of Ripper's mouth directed at anyone who wasn't me, had my insides roiling. Seeing this, Ripper looked triumphant.

What's wrong, Danny? You look upset. Was it somethin' I said?