Chasing Fire Part 48

"I don't think so. I think it's circ.u.mstances. And she may have a hard head and a guarded heart, but she's not closed up. She's too smart, too self- aware, not to mention a bred-in-the-bone risk-taker to deny herself what she wants once she's decided she wants it. She'll figure out she wants me."

"c.o.c.ky b.a.s.t.a.r.d, aren't you? I like you."

"That's a good thing, because if you didn't, she'd give me the boot. Then she'd be sad and sorry the rest of her life." At Lucas's quick, helpless laugh, Gull glanced at his watch. "I've got to start heading back."

"I'll walk back with you. I run here off and on," he reminded Gull. "And I have something I need to tell Rowan, face-to-face." "If it's that you're moving in with Ella, she heard."

"h.e.l.l." Lucas scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck as they walked. "I should've known it'd bounce through the base once I so much as thought about doing it. You'd think with everything going on, my personal life wouldn't make the cut.

"Well?" Lucas jabbed an elbow in Gull's ribs. "How'd she take it?"

"It knocked her back some. She'll get used to it because she loves you, she respects Ella, and she's not an idiot. Anyway, before we get back- and I'd as soon, unless she asks directly, Rowan a.s.sume we ran into each other on the road." "Probably for the best."

"Generally I don't mind p.i.s.sing her off, but she's got a lot on her plate. So, before we get back, I wanted to ask if I can e-mail you the spreadsheet."

"Jesus Christ. A spreadsheet."

"I've listed names in multiple categories, along with general data, then my take on each. Rowan's take. Adding yours might help narrow the field." "Send me the d.a.m.n spreadsheet." Lucas rattled off his e-mail address. "Want me to write it down?"

"No, I've got it."

"Even if Brakeman didn't do all this-or any of it, for that matter-as long as he's behind bars it should end. You can't frame him if you do any of this c.r.a.p when the cops know exactly where he is twenty-four/ seven. I guess the question we should ask is, who's got this kind of grudge against Leo?"

Lucas lifted his eyebrows when Gull said nothing. "You're thinking something else?"

"I think it could be that, just exactly that. But I also think Brakeman, with his temper, his history with Dolly, makes a pretty good patsy. And I know whoever's responsible for this is one sick son of a b.i.t.c.h. I don't think sick sons of b.i.t.c.hes stop just because it's smart." "I wish you hadn't said that and made me think the same. Fear the same. If I could I'd make Rowan take the rest of the season off, get the h.e.l.l away from this."

"I won't let anything happen to her." Gull looked Lucas dead in the eye. "I know that's a stupid and too usual a thing to say, but I won't. She can handle just about anything that comes at her. What she can't, I will."

"I'm going to hold you to that. Now, you might want to make yourself scarce while I go talk to her. Not too scarce," Lucas added. "It's likely she'll need to take out how she feels about my new living arrangements on somebody after I'm gone. It might as well be you."

ROWAN FINISHED HER REPORTS, rechecked the attached list of paracargo she'd requested and received the second day of the attack. All in order, she decided.

Once she'd turned it over to L.B., she could get the h.e.l.l outside for a while, and then ...

"It's open," she called out at the two-tap knock on her door. "Hey." Her face brightened as she rose to greet her father. "Great timing. I just finished my reports. Got your run in?"

"I thought I'd take it this way, get a twofer and see my girl."

"I tell you what, I'll dig out a cold drink from the cooler, trade you for glancing over my work here." "If you've got any 7UP, you've got a deal."

"I always keep my best guy's favorite in stock," she reminded him as he braced his hands on her desk, scanning the work on her laptop. "Thorough and to the point," he said after a moment. "Are you bucking for L.B.'s job?" "Oh, that's a big h.e.l.l no. I don't mind spending the time on reports, but if I had to deal with all the paperwork, personalities, politics and bulls.h.i.t L.B. does, I'd just shoot myself and get it over with. You could've done it," she added. "Gotten in a couple more years." "If I'm going to do administrative c.r.a.p, it's going to be my administrative c.r.a.p."

"Yeah, I guess that's where I got it. Do you want to walk over to the lounge? Or maybe the cookhouse? I imagine Marg has some pie we could talk her out of."

"I don't really have enough time. Ella's picking me up in a little bit." "Oh."

"I wanted to see you, talk to you about some things."

"I heard Irene Brakeman's letting her house go, and she's probably moving to Nebraska. That you're letting her use your house until she's got it all dealt with. That was good of you, Dad. It has to be hard for her, being alone in the house, with all the memories. Added on to knowing it's not really hers anymore."

"She's moving in tomorrow. I need to pack up a few more things I'll need with me now. Ella's been helping her do the same-pack up what she'll need-and pack up what she wants to take with her when she goes."

"It's a big step she's taking. A lot of big steps. Leaving Missoula, leaving her husband, her friends, her job."

"I think she needs it. She looks better than she has since this all started. Once she decided what she needed to do for herself, for the baby, I think it took some of the weight off."

He took a long, slow drink. "Speaking of decisions, big ones. I won't be moving back into the house. I'm going to live with Ella." "Jesus, are you going to marry her?" He didn't choke, but he swallowed hard. "One step at a time, but I think that one's right down the road." "I'm just getting used to you dating her, now you're moving in together."

"I love her, Rowan. We love each other."

"Okay, I guess I'm going to sit down for a minute." She chose the side of the bed. "Her place?"

"She's got a great place. A lot of room, her gardens. She's done it up just the way she wants it. Her house means a lot to her. Ours?" He let his shoulders lift and fall. "Half the year or more it's just where I sleep most nights."

"Well." She didn't know what she felt because there was too much to feel. "I guess if I'd known that would be our last dinner in the house together, I'd've .

. . I don't know, done something more important than skillet chicken."

"I'm not selling the house, Ro." He sat beside her, laid a hand on her knee.

"Unless you don't want it. I figured you'd take it over. We can get somebody to cut the gra.s.s and all that during the season."

"Maybe I can think about that awhile." "As long as you want."

"Big changes," she managed. "You know how it takes me a while to navigate changes." "Whenever you got sick as a kid, we had to dig out the same pajamas."

"The blue puppies."

"Yeah, the blue ones with puppies. When you outgrew them there was h.e.l.l to pay." "You cut them up and made me a little pillow out of the fabric. And it was okay again. c.r.a.p, Dad, you look so happy." Her eyes stung as she reached for his face. "And I didn't even notice you weren't." "I wasn't unhappy, baby."

"You're happier now. She's not the only one who loves you," she told him, and kissed his cheeks. "So consider I've got my blue puppy pillow, and it's okay."

"Okay enough that you'll take some time when you have it to get to know her?" "Yeah. Gull thinks she's hot."

Lucas's eyebrows winged up. "So do I, but he'd better not get any ideas." "I'm running interference there."

"You've had some changes yourself since he came along."

"Apparently. This is the d.a.m.nedest season. Gull's got it into his head that somebody on base might be responsible for what's been going on, instead of Brakeman."

"Does he?"

"Yeah, and in his Gull way he's got all the data and suppositions organized in a file. I think it's whacked, but then I start wondering, once he's done laying it out. Then I go about my business and decide it's whacked again. Until he points out this and that. I end up not sure what to think. I hate not knowing what to think."

Gently, he skimmed a hand over her crown of hair. "Maybe the best thing to do is keep your eyes, your ears and your mind open."

"The first two are easy. It's the last that's hard. Everybody's edgy and trying to pretend they aren't. We've jumped nearly twice as many fires as we did by this time last season, and the success rate's good, injuries not too bad. But outside of that? This season's FUBAR, and we're all feeling it." "Do me a favor. Stick close to the hotshot, as much as you can. Do it for me,"

he added before she could speak. "Not because I think you can't take care of yourself, but because I'll worry less if I know somebody's got your back."

"Well, he's hard to shake off anyway." "Good." He patted her leg. "Walk me out."

She got up with him, chewing over everything they'd talked about while they walked outside. "Is it different with her, with Ella, than it was with my mother? Not the circ.u.mstances, or rate of maturity, or any of that. I mean ..."

She tapped a fist on her heart. "I'm okay with however you answer. I'd just like to know."

He took a moment, and she knew he sought out the words.

"I was dazzled by your mother. Maybe a little overwhelmed, a lot excited.

When she told me she was pregnant, I loved her. And I think it was because I loved what was inside her, what we'd started without meaning to. Sometimes I wonder if she knew that, even before I did. That would've been hurtful. I cared about her, Rowan, and I did my best by her. But you were why.

"I can say Ella dazzled me, overwhelmed me, excited me. But it's different. I know what I didn't feel for your mother because I feel it now, for Ella." "What is it you're supposed to feel?" she demanded. "I can never figure it out."

He cleared his throat. "Maybe you should ask another woman about this kind of thing." "I'm asking you."

"Ah, h.e.l.l." Now he shuffled his feet, the big man, the Iron Man. "I'm not going to talk about s.e.x. I did that with you once already, and that was scarier than any fire I ever jumped."

"And embarra.s.sing for both of us. I'm not asking about s.e.x, Dad. I know about s.e.x. You tell me you love her, and I can see it all over you. I can see it, but I don't know how it feels-how it's supposed to feel." "There's a lot that goes around it. Trust and respect and-" He cleared his throat again. "Attraction. But the center's a reflection of all of those things, all your strengths and weaknesses, hopes and dreams. They catch fire there, in the center. Maybe it blazes, maybe it simmers, smolders, but there's the heat and the light, all those colors, and what's around it feeds it.

"Fire doesn't only destroy, Rowan. Sometimes it creates. The best of it creates, and when love's a fire, whether it's bright or a steady glow, hot or warm, it creates. It makes you better than you were without it."

He stopped, colored a little. "I don't know how to explain it."

"It's the first time anyone ever explained it so I could understand it. Dad." She took his hands, looked into his eyes. "I'm really happy for you. I mean it, all the way through. Really happy for you."

"That means more than I can tell you." He drew her in, held her tight as Ella drove up. "You were my first love," he whispered in Rowan's ear. "You always will be."

She knew it, but now let go enough to accept he could love someone else, too.

She nodded as Ella stepped out of the car. "Hi."

"Hi." Ella smiled at Lucas. "Am I late?"

"Right on time." Keeping his hand in Rowan's, he leaned down, kissed Ella.

"How'd it go with Irene?"

"Packing up, organizing, deciding over the contents of a house a woman's lived in for twenty-five years is a monumental project-and you know I love projects. It's helping her, I think, the work, the planning. Helping her get through the now." "Did Jim's parents ..." Rowan trailed off.

"They're leaving this afternoon. I met them, and they're lovely people. Kate's asked Irene to come stay with them if and when she goes to Nebraska. To stay until she finds a place of her own. I don't think she will, but the offer touched her." "Don't be sad," Lucas said, sliding an arm around Ella's shoulders as her eyes filled.

"I can't figure out what I am." She blinked the tears back. "But I called my son, asked him to bring the kids over later. I know how I feel after a few hours with my grandchildren. Happy and exhausted."

Grandchildren, Rowan thought. She'd forgotten. Did that make her father kind of an unofficial grandfather? What did he think about that? How did he- "Oh, h.e.l.l, I forgot I need to run something by L.B. Two minutes," he promised Ella, and loped off. "So," Ella began, "are we okay?"

"We're okay. It's ... strange, but we're okay. I guess you've told your son and daughter."

"Yes. My daughter's thrilled, which may be partially due to hormones as she's pregnant and that was just great news." Another one? she thought.

"Congratulations."

"Thanks. My son's ... a little embarra.s.sed right now, I think, at the distinct possibility Lucas and I do more than jigsaw puzzles and watch TV together." "He shouldn't be embarra.s.sed that you guys play gin rummy now and then."

Ella let out an appreciative laugh. "He'll get over it. I'd like to have you over for dinner, all the kids, when you can manage it. Nothing formal, just a family meal."

"Sounds good." Or manageable, she decided, which had the potential for good. "You should know, straight off, I don't need a mother."

"Oh, of course you do. Everyone does. A woman who'll listen, take your side, tell the truth-or not, as you need it. A woman you can count on, no matter what, and who'll love you no matter how much you screw up. But since you've already got that in Marg, I'm happy to settle for being your friend."

"We can see how that goes." The siren shrilled.

"h.e.l.l. I'm up."

"Oh, G.o.d! You have to go. You have to-Can I watch? Lucas told me how this part works, but I'd like to see it." "Fine with me. But you have to run." Without waiting, Rowan tore toward the ready room.

She breezed by Cards, so he kicked it to keep pace. "What's the word?" she asked.

"Laborious. Got one up in Flathead, tearing down the canyon. That's all I know." "Are you spotting?"

"Jumping."

They rushed into the controlled chaos of the ready room, grabbing gear out of lockers. Rowan pulled on her jumpsuit, checked pockets, zippers, snaps, secured her gloves, her let-down rope. She shoved her feet into her boots and caught sight of Matt doing the same.

"How'd you get back on the list?" "Just my luck. I checked back in twenty minutes ago." He shook his head, then snagged his chute and reserve off the speed rack. "I guess the fire G.o.d decided I'd had enough time off."

Rowan secured her chutes, her PG bag. "See you on the ship," she told him, and tucked her helmet under her arm. She shuffled toward the door, surprised to see Gull, already suited up, standing with her father and Ella.

"That was quick."

"I was in the loadmaster's room when the siren went off. Handy. Are you set?"

"Always." Rowan tapped her fingers to her forehead, flashed her father a grin.

"See you later." "See you later." He echoed the good-bye they'd given each other all her life.

"I asked if it was allowed, and since it is, I'm going to say stay safe." Rowan nodded at Ella. "I plan on it. Let's roll, rook."

"I know you told me it all moves fast," Ella said as Rowan walked with Gull toward the waiting plane, "but I didn't realize just how fast. There's no time to think. The siren goes off, and they go from drinking coffee or packing boxes to flying to a fire, in minutes."

"It's a routine, like getting dressed in the morning. Only on fast forward. And they're always thinking. Kick some a.s.s," he told Yangtree. "Kicking a.s.s, taking names. And counting the days. Catch you on the flip side, buddy."

He spoke to others as they waddled toward the plane, some he'd worked with, others who seemed as young as saplings to him. He slipped his hand in Ella's as the plane's door closed.