Charles O'Malley, The Irish Dragoon Volume Ii Part 38

There's a lady in Ballymacrazy!

And I swore on the book--" He gave me a look, And cried: "Mickey, _now can't you be asy?_"

"Arrah, Mickey, now can't you be _asy?_" sang out a voice in chorus, and the next moment Dr. Quill himself made his appearance.

"Well, O'Malley, is it a penitential psalm you're singing, or is my friend Mike endeavoring to raise your spirits with a Galway sonata?"

"A little bit of his own muse, Doctor, nothing more; but tell me, how goes it with the major,--is the poor fellow out of danger?"

"Except from the excess of his appet.i.te, I know of no risk he runs. His servant is making gruel for him all day in a thing like the grog-tub of a frigate. But you've heard the news,--Sparks has been exchanged. He came here last night; but the moment he caught sight of me, he took his departure. Begad, I'm sure he'd rather pa.s.s a month in Verdun than a week in my company!"

"By-the-bye, Doctor, you never told me how this same antipathy of Sparks for you had its origin."

"Sure I drove him out of the Tenth before he was three weeks with the regiment."

"Ay, I remember; you began the story for me one night on the retreat from the Coa, but something broke it off in the middle."

"Just so, I was sent for to the rear to take off some gentleman's legs that weren't in dancing condition; but as there's no fear of interruption now, I'll finish the story. But first, let us have a peep at the wounded. What beautiful anatomists they are in the French artillery! Do you feel the thing I have now in my forceps? There,--don't jump,--that's a bit of the brachial nerve most beautifully displayed. Faith, I think I'll give Mike a demonstration."

"Oh, Mister Quill, dear! Oh, Doctor, darling!"

"Arrah, Mickey, now can't ye be asy?" sang out Maurice, with a perfect imitation of Mike's voice and manner.

"A little lint here! Bend your arm,--that's it--Don't move your fingers.

Now, Mickey, make me a cup of coffee with a gla.s.s of brandy in it. And now, Charley, for Sparks. I believe I told you what kind of fellows the Tenth were,--regular out-and-outers. We hadn't three men in the regiment that were not from the south of Ireland,--the _bocca Corkana_ on their lips, fun and devilment in their eyes, and more drollery and humbug in their hearts than in all the messes in the service put together. No man had any chance among them if he wasn't a real droll one; every man wrote his own songs and sang them too. It was no small promotion could tempt a fellow to exchange out of the corps. You may think, then, what a prize your friend Sparks proved to us; we held a court-martial upon him the week after he joined. It was proved in evidence that he had never said a good thing in his life, and had about as much notion of a joke as a Cherokee has of the Court of Chancery; and as to singing, Lord bless you, he had a tune with wooden turns to it,--it was most cruel to hear; and then the look of him, those eyes, like dropsical oysters, and the hair standing every way, like a field of insane flax, and the mouth with a curl in it like the slit in the side of a fiddle. A pleasant fellow that for a mess that always boasted the best-looking chaps in the service.

"'What's to be done with him?' said the major; 'shall we tell him we are ordered to India, and terrify him about his liver?'

"'Or drill him into a hectic fever?'

"'Or drink him dry?'

"'Or get him into a fight and wing him?'

"'Oh, no,' said I, 'leave him to me; we'll laugh him out of the corps.'

"'Yes, we'll leave him to you, Maurice,' said the rest.

"And that day week you might read in the 'Gazette,' 'Pierce Flynn O'Haygerty, to be Ensign, 10th Foot, _vice_ Sparks, exchanged.'"

"But how was it done, Maurice; you haven't told me that."

"Nothing easier. I affected great intimacy with Sparks, bemoaned our hard fate, mutually, in being attached to such a regiment: 'A d.a.m.nable corps this,--low, vulgar fellows, practical jokes; not the kind of thing one expects in the army. But as for me, I've joined it partly from necessity.

You, however, who might be in a crack regiment, I can't conceive your remaining in it.'

"'But why did you join, Doctor?' said he; 'what necessity could have induced you?'

"'Ah, my friend,' said I, '_that_ is the secret,--_that_ is the hidden grief that must lie buried in my own bosom.'

"I saw that his curiosity was excited, and took every means to increase it farther. At length, as if yielding to a sudden impulse of friendship, and having sworn him to secrecy, I took him aside, and began thus,--

"'I may trust you, Sparks, I feel I may; and when I tell you that my honor, my reputation, my whole fortune is at stake, you will judge of the importance of the trust.'

"The goggle eyes rolled fearfully, and his features exhibited the most craving anxiety to hear my story.

"'You wish to know why I left the Fifty-sixth. Now I'll tell you; but mind, you're pledged, you're sworn, never to divulge it.'

"'Honor bright.'

"'There, that's enough; I'm satisfied. It was a slight infraction of the articles of war; a little breach of the rules and regulations of the service; a trifling misconception of the mess code,--they caught me one evening leaving the mess with--What do you think in my pocket? But you'll never tell! No, no, I know you'll not; eight forks and a gravy-spoon,--silver forks every one of them. There now,' said I, grasping his hand, 'you have my secret; my fame and character are in your hands, for you see they made me quit the regiment,--a man can't stay in a corps where he is laughed at.'

"Covering my face with my handkerchief, as if to conceal my shame, I turned away, and left Sparks to his meditations. That same evening we happened to have some strangers at mess; the bottle was pa.s.sing freely round, and as usual the good spirits of the party at the top of their bent, when suddenly from the lower end of the table, a voice was heard demanding, in tones of the most pompous importance, permission to address the president upon a topic where the honor of the whole regiment was concerned.

"'I rise, gentlemen,' said Mr. Sparks, 'with feelings the most painful; whatever may have been the laxity of habit and freedom of conversation habitual in this regiment, I never believed that so flagrant an instance as this morning came to my ears--'

"'Oh, murder!' said I. 'Oh, Sparks, darling, sure you're not going to tell?'

"'Doctor Quill,' replied he, in an austere tone, 'it is impossible for me to conceal it.'

"'Oh, Sparks, dear, will you betray me?'

"I gave him here a look of the most imploring entreaty, to which he replied by one of unflinching sternness.

"'I have made up my mind, sir,' continued he; 'it is possible the officers of this corps may look more leniently than I do upon this transaction; but know it they shall.'

"'Out with it, Sparks; tell it by all means!' cried a number of voices; for it was clear to every one, by this time, that he was involved in a hoax.

"Amidst, therefore, a confused volley of entreaty on one side, and my reiterated prayers for his silence, on the other, Sparks thus began:--

"'Are you aware, gentlemen, why Dr. Quill left the Fifty-sixth?'

"'No, no, no!' rang from all sides; 'let's have it!'

"'No, sir,' said he, turning towards me, 'concealment is impossible; an officer detected with the mess-plate in his pocket--'

"They never let him finish, for a roar of laughter shook the table from one end to the other; while Sparks, horror-struck at the lack of feeling and propriety that could make men treat such a matter with ridicule, glared around him on every side.

"'Oh, Maurice, Maurice!' cried the major, wiping his eyes, 'this is too bad; this is too bad!'

"'Gracious Heaven!' screamed Sparks, 'can you laugh at it?'

"'Laugh at it!' re-echoed the paymaster, 'G.o.d grant I only don't burst a blood-vessel!' And once more the sounds of merriment rang out anew, and lasted for several minutes.

"'Oh, Maurice Quill,' cried an old captain, 'you've been too heavy on the lad. Why, Sparks, man, he's been humbugging you.'

"Scarcely were the words spoken when he sprang from the room. The whole truth flashed at once upon his mind; in an instant he saw that he had exposed himself to the merciless ridicule of a mess-table and that all peace for him, in that regiment at least, was over.

"We got a glorious fellow in exchange for him; and Sparks descended into a cavalry regiment,--I ask your pardon, Charley,--where, as you are well aware, sharp wit and quick intellect are by no means indispensable. There now, don't be angry or you'll do yourself harm. So good-by, for an hour or two."