Catfantastic: Nine Lives and Fifteen Tales Part 14

"Of course I am," said a gently reproachful feminine voice. "But who else is?"

Jack's eyes swiveled from side to side in his frozen head. I could see his Adam's apple bobbing up and down in his throat like mercury in a thermometer, and thought maybe he didn't have any cat in him after all. "UHHHHa"um, your majesty? Uh, your divinity, I mean?" he said, sweeping an awkward bow. "My name's Jack. Hope I haven't disturbed you." He was still looking around for the source of the voice.

"Look at the statue, twerp," I hissed, before I remembered that I wanted to let Jack worry a bit longer. Oh, well.

"b.u.t.terfly!" he said, looking about hopefully, but I kept my invisibility anyway.

"Did you come here to speak to me, mortal, or to the air?"

"Uha"oh, excuse me, to you of course, ma'am," said Jack, finally realizing that the voice did indeed come from the nevertheless immobile lips of the statue, which, with his slow-adjusting (definitely nonfeline) eyes he was now regarding with wonder. "Wow! Is the statue really you?"

"Merely the palest shadow of my true divine glory, which vision I am sure you could not withstand, mortal," she a.s.sured him.

Suddenly there was a tremendous swooping and fluttering, and Jack gulped as a fifteen-foot owl alighted in front of him and hunched its head toward him with dinner-plate sized eyes. The mouse queen (as usual) gave a shriek and dove into his clothing, while the Beethoven-chirping bird clung tightly to his collar and the dog yammered.

"Shut up, you guys," he said, and they did.

"From the Prime Material Plane, aren't you, young man?" said the owl, swiveling its head as it scrutinized Jack's features. "I think I like you, though I don't know why."

"It's a sort of talent I have," Jack admitted, and I could have clawed his legs off. It certainly proved he had no cat in him after all. Imagine laying your cards down like that before the game's begun!

" 'Zat so?" said the owl, who still appeared well disposed toward Jack. "Honest, too, hmmmm?"

Jack blushed. "Uh, I guess so. I might as well tell you I'm here on behalf of a friend."'

"Come back, p.o.o.psie, dear!" the G.o.ddess called, and the owl winced, trying to clear his throat.

"But, miladya""

"Now, darling. I want to talk to the little fellow myself."

"Yes'm," said the owl, and flew dejectedly back to some shadowy niche in the top of the temple. "p.o.o.psie likes you," the G.o.ddess observed.

"Yes, ma'am. I was just saying I have a talent with animals."

"Delightful," said Athena, "Python wants to meet you, too."

"Python? Ulp!" said Jack, as an immense golden snake slithered out of the shadow of the statue's Gorgon shield and curled itself amiably around Jack.

"Keep cool, team," he said to his nervous menagerie. The creature's girth was almost equal to the boy's height.

Python's tongue flicked out and in again, and he said in a sizzling voice, "SSShe likesss me to fffrighten bia.s.sssphemersss, but you are not afffraid of me, are you?"

"N-not much," Jack gulped.

"Enough, Python dear," the G.o.ddess said sweetly, and the serpent slunk back beside the shield.

"Snakes and owls are the wisest creatures in the world, you know, and being the G.o.ddess of wisdom myselfa"even if I am retireda"I value their opinions. I can't remember either of them taking to a mortal so. So what can I do for you?"

"Well, ma'am, it's to do with Arachne."

"Arachne. Oh, that's so sad," said the G.o.ddess.

" 'Scuse me?" said Jack.

"Yes. She was really quite a favorite of mine, or I would never have made her such a successful artist in the first place. But she really couldn't bear to admit I was better at the loom than she was. She was so mortified at her failure after that silly contest she turned herself into a spider."

"What? That's not how I heard the storya""

Athena sighed. "Well, if there's anything you mortals lose more easily than time, it's the truth. The metamorphosis was the direct result of Arachne's own humiliation. I've simply let her stew in her own juices."

"Then you could turn her back?" Jack said hopefully.

"I'm afraid that wouldn't be good for her. She hasn't learned humility yet, you see."

Jack's face fell. "But I promised her," he said, and proceeded to explain his agreement with Arachne. "Couldn't we work something out? Maybe she's never going to learn humility as a spidera"maybe what she needs is to get back to being herself before she can learn anything. Maybe if she had to learn to do something else she wasn't so talented ataa "Jack's brow was puckered with his effort to find a solution.

The G.o.ddess laughed softly. "Young man, if I hadn't retired, I think I would want to be your patron, even if wizards are more properly under Artemis' protection. Suppose I put Arachne in your hands, and let you teach her humility?"

"Me? But how? I'm only an apprentice."

Again the golden laugh. "Well, to begin with, you'd be a good example. But I'll tell you. Take Arachne back to the Prime Material Plane with you, where I will allow her to recover her human form in the daytime, while she reverts to a spider at night. When and if she attains humility, you will bring her back here to report to me and apologize for her previous behavior. Then I will lift the rest of the curse. Now, isn't that a wise plan from the G.o.ddess of wisdom?"

"Uh, yes, it sure is. But your G.o.ddess-ship, could you please tell me how I can find the magic sock's lost invisibility before I leave?"

"Oh, that's easy. You want the Sea of Lost Spells, beyond the Beaches of Lost b.u.t.tons, on the other side of the Valley of Lost Socks. p.o.o.psie dear, take Jack to pick up Arachne and then drop him and his critters at the Sea, would you? I think you can carry the dog in your claws, but do be careful. Oh, and be nice to Jack's little invisible feline familiar, however tempting his little fat body looks."

"I am not his familiar!" I flashed into indignant visibility. I should have known a G.o.ddess would be able to see me. "And I am not fata"just a bit longhaired."

"Spare me," she said coldly. "If you're lucky, I'll put in a good word for you with Bastet at the Retired G.o.ddesses Club meeting this afternoon. Ta-ta, Jack!" she said, and the owl swooped down and escorted us outside.

" 'p.o.o.psie.' Cute name for an owl," I meowed as we made our way down the Acropolis.

"Poplios to you, cat!" the big bird squawked.

Jack said, "Cut it out, and let's get to Arachne's," which we did quite quickly, the denizens of Lost Greece clearing the streets as Athena's owl approached. When we arrived, we found the spider had indeed finished her work.

"Humility!" Arachne shrieked when Jack told her the G.o.ddess' plan. "Athena wouldn't know humility if it bit her!"

"She's not supposed to. She's a G.o.ddess," Jack said reasonably. "Come on, Arachne, isn't it better to be human half the time than not at all?"

Arachne reluctantly acquiesced, and crawled to a perch in Jack's hair.

Outside, Jack got himself mounted on the owl's back, and I jumped up in front of him, settling my claws into Poplios' back like grappling hooks. The owl reared up and flapped its wings like a hawk bating.

"Watch it, Poplios!" cried Jack, clutching at the feathers.

"Sorry, Master Jack," said the owl, as he swiveled his head around one hundred and eighty degrees to glare at me.

"Wait, I can make sure we don't fall off," said Arachne, and quickly spun a seatbelt. When all was secure for takeoff, Poplios beat his wings and launched into the air, making one quick circle before diving to s.n.a.t.c.h up the dog, who yelped in terror (of which he dropped a token or two on the heads of some unfortunate Greek citizens as they observed our departure.) The Valley of Lost Socks pa.s.sed quickly below us, and soon we had landed on the beach. It stretched along into the distance in two directions, as vast a collection of b.u.t.tons as the valley had been of socks. Near the water they were well packed down, but still slippery to walk on, and the dog went racing about among the little plastic chips and mushroom shapes with all the grace of a Clydesdale in a gravel pit.

When we'd untangled Arachne's threads and alighted, I began to scratch at the beach; b.u.t.tons weren't kitty litter, but they would have to do.

Jack was staring out at the Sea of Lost Spells as it rolled in. As each wave broke, instead of sea foam, a host of transparent scrolls was deposited on the sh.o.r.e and lay on top of the gleaming b.u.t.tons, just waiting to be picked up.

"Those are the spells," said Poplios.

Jack stared at the incredible wealth of magic that lay at his feet, then reached for one of the scrolls. "b.u.t.terfly! How come all the wizards in the world aren't here trying to pick up these free scrolls?"

"Well," I said, grooming my chest fur, "I suppose it's becausea""

There was the sound of an immense rush of water as the sea serpent lifted its head from the waves, and I was caught in the splash on the beach, and shot about ten feet straight into the air with a yowl. (I didn't mind the sea monster, of coursea"it was just the getting wet.) The dog broke and ran yelping away from the water, while the owl stood frozen, without even giving a hoot. The mouse was already in hiding, and the blue bird's refrain was (for once) silenced. Arachne screamed and crawled into Jack's ear.

"Get outta there," he said in an annoyed tone, as he focused on the sea serpent.

Its head was about the size of an apartment building, and each eye looked like a fluorescent purple domed stadium. Raised nostrils like twin subway tunnels were set on a pink scaly snout, and the creature opened an awful maw full of Volkswagen-sized teeth to speak.

"Thay, withard, thoth're my thcrollth, tho handth off!"

"Uha"sure," said Jack, dropping the scroll.

"Thankth. Tho long," said the serpent, and began to sink back into the ocean.

"Wait!" Jack called.

"Yeth?" said the beast, with a bat of one purple eyelash.

"Uh, I just came for one spell, one that I lost. Couldn't you spare just one? I mean, what do you do with them, anyway?"

The monster's head lurched forward, and its chin landed on the beach with a c.h.i.n.king of b.u.t.tons against scales, directly in front of Jack.

"I eat them," said the sea serpent. "I altho eat withardth who try to thteal them from me. It'th nothing perthonal," it added apologetically, "but if I didn't, pretty thoon there'd be hundredth of withardth here thtealing my thcrollth, and then I'd thtarve."

"Oh, I understand," Jack said sympathetically.

"You do?" said the monster, a light in its great violet eye. "Thay! You're pretty nithe, for a withard."

"I'm only an apprentice," Jack said modestly. "Gosh, look at the size of you!" he added, with pure admiration. I heard a little gurgle of horror in the owl's throat as we watched Jack reach out and scratch the monster's purple-bearded chin. Arachne crawled back to the crown of Jack's head to get a better view.

"Thay! That'th fantathtic!" said the sea monster, and closed his eyelids with a sigh like a jet engine winding down.

"Tell you what," it said, opening one eye again, "for you, I'll make an ekthepthion."

"Really?" Jack beamed. "Hey, thanks!"

"Hmm," I said, as I went on washing my paws, not really watching the monster any more, except out of the tiniest corner of one eye, "Now all we have to do is find the right spell."

"We need the spell that makes this a sock of invisibility," said Jack, holding up the newly-mended sock to the monster.

"Pardon me, sir, may I be of a.s.sistance, sir?" said a small voice at. Jack's feet. My ears perked up, and I slunk nonchalantly over to investigate. The voice was that of a fiddler crab, who saluted Jack smartly with his large pincer.

"Cap'n Crusty of the beach patrol at your service, sir. Noticed your aura when you arrived. Volunteering for any aid we can give you, sir."

My whiskers quivered. All those exciting moving parts. "Don't even think about it, b.u.t.terfly," Jack warned me. I glared at him and licked my lips, curling my tail up as I sat down.

The crab and numerous other denizens of the beach made short work of the search. Within minutes, Jack held the necessary scroll in his hand. It was transparent as plastic, and nothing could be seen upon ita"not by human eyes.

"Open it," I told Jack, and as he did so I fixed my left eyea"the amber one, which can see into the infrared spectruma"on the doc.u.ment. "The sigils on the sock will answer to the vocal component of the spell, and merely putting the sock on serves as the somatic. The material components must be woven into the sock to complete the spell."

"What are they?"

"An eyelash, and some gum arabic."

"Uh-oh," said Jack. "Uncle Hugh's all out of gum arabic at home. He was planning on picking some up at the wizards' convention. Where does gum arabic come from, anyway?"

One of my whiskers quirked. Hugh was obviously useless as an instructor for Jack; I would have to do something about it when we got home. But first things first. "It comes from a desert tree, the acacia."

"I suppose there's a desert here in Some Place?"

"Oh, yes." I switched my tail, watching the sea monster, who was still gazing moonily at Jack. The boy's talent was beginning to alarm me.

Suddenly the fiddler crab, who had joined the zoo on Jack's shoulders, pinched the mouse's tail, and this led to a mad chase in and out of Jack's shirt.

"Okay, that's it!" Jack yelled. "Listen up, gang. From here on in, any animal on or around my person is under truce as regards all other such animalsa"indefinitely!"

I went on washing my face, and gave the dog a dirty look, but Jack didn't take up the challenge.

"All aboard Poplios for the desert, folks," he said.

"With I could go," sighed the sea serpent.

"The Desert of Lost What?" Jack said, as Poplios came in for a landing.

"Lost Minds," I said, leaping lightly down to the hard, dry ground. To one side was a cliff, populated by yellow-blossoming trees, while to the other was the pleasant rush of a seasonal river. "Don't worry, there aren't many of them."

"You should fit right in with lost minds, cat," said the owl.

I bared my fangs at him, then turned to the cliff, where the fifteen-foot acacias grew from clefts in the rock.

"Now, we're going to need a month to collect the gum," I purred.

"A month!" Jack yelled. "What are we going to do all that time? Now that I think of it, it's been quite a while since that anchovy pizza. And whata""

"Oh, don't go shedding your fur," I said in annoyance. "We won't have to do anything. Poplios here can just fly up to the clouds and collect a month's worth of lost timea"which will put him a month into the past, you see, at which time he will make a nice, neat incision in one of these trees with one talon, and then, voila! We'll be able to collect one month's exudate of gum arabic from it here in the present." I licked my lips, satisfied with my plan.

"Do you really want me to do that, Master Jack?" asked the owl.

"Uha"I'd really appreciate it, Poplios," Jack said, with a quite sincerely winsome look.