Castles On The Sand Part 13

Love, John I read this and my temper flares.

John, You don't even know me, so stop saying stupid stuff like that. I'm boring. My entire social life is me being the designated driver for my best friend. I work in a library. If you look up "dull" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of me.

Madison A chat window pops up.

John: Are you happy?

Madison: Happy with what?"

John: Life. Do you wish you did more social stuff? Went to more parties?

Madison: No. I don't even like parties. That's how boring I am.

John: I don't like them either.

Madison: So you going to tell me I shouldn't go? Tell me what to do?

John: I'm done telling you what to do. Even when I ask you to talk to me, that makes you mad. I really don't want to boss you around, at all. I want to get to know you.

Madison: Well, now you do. There's not much more to know.

John: You are way more interesting to me than you are to yourself. You spend every waking hour with you. I've only had a few minutes, and I think you're fascinating. Tell me all about working in the library, or watching Mom do pottery, or counting cracks in the ceiling. I really do want to know.

Madison: Mom doesn't let anyone watch her make pottery. Especially not me. I bug her.

John: I doubt it.

Madison: She doesn't even like me. She thinks I'm boring.

John: I'm sure she loves you.

Madison: She doesn't even want to eat dinner with me at night. If I'm in the house, she goes to her room and doesn't talk to me.

John: Huh. All these years, I a.s.sumed she took you with her because she wanted you to herself. Not that I have abandonment issues or anything :-) Madison: I guess I remind her of Mr. Lukas or whatever.

John: Wild guess here, but I'm thinking she put Mr. Lukas's name on your birth certificate to get a divorce. Dad's extremely conservative. If anyone were to divorce him, that'd be the way to get him to sign the decree.

Madison: So I'm the price she paid. She's stuck with me now.

John: I hope she doesn't see it that way.

Madison: Well, maybe I really am boring and not that great to know.

John: Okay, I am going to give you some advice. Don't read if you don't want to see it. Spend more time doing what you want to do and less time doing what other people want you to do, and you'll probably find you like your life better. I know, you hate advice.

Madison: There isn't anything I like to do.

John: Well, you might find out differently if you start making your decisions based on what you want.

Madison: Well, okay. I have work.

John: I won't keep you. Love you, sis!

Madison: Bye.

On my walk home, someone says "pssst" from down in the ditch. I pause and look and see that it's JP. Quickly, I jump down.

"Hey."

"Hey." He glances around. "Listen, I've got, like, maybe an hour before I'm supposed to be home. Your mom in?"

"No."

"What do you say?"

With him right here, in front of me, I want more than anything to feel his arms around me and his lips on mine, but I can't help but remember the letdown that comes afterwards, when he won't so much as look at me in public.

"You okay?" he asks.

I remember Kailie's advice again. Do it if I feel like it. I remember Carson saying that he'd treat me much better. While I'm still not sold on Carson and his arrogance, the thought of a guy who treated me like he was proud to be with me does appeal.

"Earth to Madison?"

"Sorry..."

He stands up and puts his arms around me. I can't help but melt as he kisses my lips. Pick your letdown, I think, letdown from feeling used versus letdown from letting the chance go by? My brother's advice is useless here. What I want is to have both the time with JP and no letdown afterwards. As it is, I have to choose the lesser of two evils, if I can figure out what that is.

Fifteen minutes later I'm lying on my bed with him, gasping for breath as he kisses me, his hands pulling my shirt up, inch by inch. "I missed you," he whispers. "Let me be with you. You are so hot. Madison."

Do I want to sleep with him? I feel like the answer should be no, but I don't entirely know why. The letdown would be worse, or would it? Would it establish a connection between us that would endure even when he couldn't acknowledge me in public?

Think about what happened to Kailie with Ben, says the little voice in my mind.

But, I reason, she slept with him the first time they ever hooked up.

"Madison?" All kissing has stopped and JP just stares down at me.

"Sorry... got distracted..."

He blinks, and I realize I've dealt him a grave insult. "Well, I gotta get home soon, but that was a nice way to kill some time."

"No, I didn't mean... some crazy stuff's happened. I have a lot on my mind."

He gets up, puts on his shirt, shoes, and jacket.

"JP, stop." I sit up.

"It's fine," he says, in a way that sounds perfectly sincere. "I just need to go." The entire encounter was probably less than ten minutes.

I think I should say something, ask him for something, but I can't formulate what that would be. Instead I just watch him leave and the usual sense of letdown, coupled with a big dose of guilt for insulting him, wells up inside me.

The next morning as I get ready for school, I have to cover a bruise on my neck with concealer, a new experience for me. I can't help but stare at myself in the bathroom mirror, moving to see between the clay fish magnets that Mom's decorated it with. Here I am, me, Madison Lukas, who has barely ever kissed anyone and has been with a guy for less than ten minutes in the last twenty-four hours, covering up love bites.

Don't sweat it, I think. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

But the sight of myself makes me want to look away.

You are not easy, I think. You're a virgin. You've only ever kissed one guy.

How long, I wonder, will I keep that first claim?

I can't help but remember Tatiana's "booty call" accusation. Is that all I am?

And why does this bother me? Is it because I can't let go of the romantic notion of having a boyfriend? Is it because I'm starting to think Carson might be a better option? He's every bit as good looking. I imagine him walking down the hall with his arm around me, smiling down like I'm beautiful and he can't take his eyes off me.

This image surfaces up in my mind again the next morning when Kailie and I step onto campus just as the MAV is unloading. Carson catches my stare and pauses, before climbing the rest of the way down from his seat. Everyone else piles out without a glance in my direction and heads for the school building. Alex is with them again. That is so weird.

"Yeah, leaving now," says Kailie. She flips her hair over her shoulder and strides off as Carson makes his way towards me.

I stay where I am, marveling at how he's making it obvious, to anyone who's watching, that he wants to talk to me. "I'm sorry," is the first thing he says, "about yesterday. Seems like I keep s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up with you."

Since I don't know what to say, I shrug.

"I'm bad at this," he says.

"It's not like I'm an expert either."

"What do I need to do? I'll beg."

I shake my head and look down. "No, don't do that."

"You look beautiful today."

"You really mean that?"

"Why else would I say it?"

JP and a couple of his friends walk by, and although he doesn't stop or even slow down, I do catch him glancing in my direction, and my confusion deepens. If we're not together, am I not supposed to talk to other guys?

"Go out with me," says Carson. "I know we never talk, so let's do that. Get to know each other. Spend some time."

"No," should just roll off my tongue, but it doesn't.

He stares intently at me. "Think it over?"

"Um... sure. I guess. I'll think it over."

A smile spreads across his face. "Okay. I'll see you around then."

"See you." I turn away and head for the school. Once I'm up the stairs and through the doors of the building, I nearly run right into Kailie, who screams, "You are a psycho!" at Ryan. More emotional tension. Just what I need right now.

An imposing figure ghosts past in my peripheral vision, and then Alex is there, jabbing a finger at Kailie's chest. "Don't use that word," he says. He stares her down so that she backs up into a row of lockers. "You don't even know what it means."

She looks up at him, bug-eyed.

"Alex," I say.

He glances at me, shoots another glare at Kailie, and then strides off around the corner. His loser friends all follow.

"Oh. My. G-"

"Probably not a good idea to pick fights with any of those guys," I say.

"What is his problem?"

"He's Alex. What more do you need to know?"

"Since when does he talk?" says someone else in the crowd. I don't see who it is. Everyone is staring after him, amazed at the sound of his voice.

While I'm at work that day, I get a text from Carson that reads: Hi. You can call me anytime, you know.

I know I should be doing my homework, but I find myself searching for The Book of Mormon online instead. What pops up is a page full of links to: "The Truth About Mormons" and "Secrets of the LDS Church Revealed".

I feel my pulse edge up a notch as I click on first one link, then another. Slowly the picture emerges. The LDS Church was founded by a guy named Joseph Smith in the 1800's after he claimed to have a revelation from G.o.d, and The Book of Mormon was a holy book he claimed he'd translated from some gold plates found in upstate New York with the help of two magic "seer stones." This golden book, he claimed to have then given to an angel for safekeeping, thus removing any evidence of its existence altogether. How convenient.

After he started his church, he took his followers to Ohio, then farther west to Missouri and Illinois, where he started preaching polygamy and married multiple women, and did things like set up a city militia and run for president. He also had the members of his religious movement give all their money to the church to build expensive temples, each of which was abandoned soon after it was built as the fledgling Church kept getting driven out of each new location by the locals.

Joseph Smith was shot to death in his late thirties, and Brigham Young, with his many wives in tow, took the rest of the Church members to Utah on a cross-prairie trek that killed hundreds.

Now I get why JP called my brother a "cultist". I close that tab in the browser and get up to reshelve some books.

JP finds me again on Friday, when I'm on my way to work. Again he waits in the ditch and says "Pssst," when I walk by. I stop and jump down. The letdown from the last time we hooked up hasn't left me completely. Ghostly fingers of disappointment cloud my vision as I look at my sort-of boyfriend and think of kissing him.

"How late do you work?" he asks.

"Till five-thirty."

"All right, well, if I'm free, I'll try to meet you then."

"Sure."

"Everything all right?"

I force a nod. "Yeah."

"You sure?"

I try to nod again, but shrug instead.