Browning's England Part 42

And out he goes.

VII

She, face, form, bearing, one Superb composure--

"He has told you all?

Yes, he has told you all, your silence says-- What gives him, as he thinks the mastery Over my body and my soul!--has told That instance, even, of their servitude He now exacts of me? A silent blush!

That's well, though better would white ignorance Beseem your brow, undesecrate before-- Ay, when I left you! I too learn at last --Hideously learned as I seemed so late-- What sin may swell to. Yes,--I needed learn That, when my prophet's rod became the snake I fled from, it would, one day, swallow up --Incorporate whatever serpentine Falsehood and treason and unmanliness Beslime earth's pavement: such the power of h.e.l.l, And so beginning, ends no otherwise The Adversary! I was ignorant, Blameworthy--if you will; but blame I take Nowise upon me as I ask myself --_You_--how can you, whose soul I seemed to read The limpid eyes through, have declined so deep Even with him for consort? I revolve Much memory, pry into the looks and words Of that day's walk beneath the College wall, And nowhere can distinguish, in what gleams Only pure marble through my dusky past, A dubious cranny where such poison-seed Might harbor, nourish what should yield to-day This dread ingredient for the cup I drink.

Do not I recognize and honor truth In seeming?--take your truth and for return, Give you my truth, a no less precious gift?

You loved me: I believed you. I replied --How could I other? '_I was not my own_,'

--No longer had the eyes to see, the ears To hear, the mind to judge, since heart and soul Now were another's. My own right in me, For well or ill, consigned away--my face Fronted the honest path, deflection whence Had shamed me in the furtive backward look At the late bargain--fit such chapman's phrase!-- As though--less hasty and more provident-- Waiting had brought advantage. Not for me The chapman's chance! Yet while thus much was true, I spared you--as I knew you then--one more Concluding word which, truth no less, seemed best Buried away forever. Take it now Its power to pain is past! Four years--that day-- Those lines that make the College avenue!

I would that--friend and foe--by miracle, I had, that moment, seen into the heart Of either, as I now am taught to see!

I do believe I should have straight a.s.sumed My proper function, and sustained a soul, Nor aimed at being just sustained myself By some man's soul--the weaker woman's-want!

So had I missed the momentary thrill Of finding me in presence of a G.o.d, But gained the G.o.d's own feeling when he gives Such thrill to what turns life from death before.

'_G.o.ds many and Lords many_,' says the Book: You would have yielded up your soul to me --Not to the false G.o.d who has burned its clay In his own image. I had shed my love Like Spring dew on the clod all flowery thence, Not sent up a wild vapor to the sun that drinks and then disperses. Both of us Blameworthy,--I first meet my punishment-- And not so hard to bear. I breathe again!

Forth from those arms' enwinding leprosy At last I struggle--uncontaminate: Why must I leave _you_ pressing to the breast That's all one plague-spot? Did you love me once?

Then take love's last and best return! I think, Womanliness means only motherhood; All love begins and ends there,--roams enough, But, having run the circle, rests at home.

Why is your expiation yet to make?

Pull shame with your own hands from your own head Now,--never wait the slow envelopment Submitted to by unelastic age!

One fierce throe frees the sapling: flake on flake Lull till they leave the oak snow-stupefied.

Your heart retains its vital warmth--or why That blushing rea.s.surance? Blush, young blood!

Break from beneath this icy premature Captivity of wickedness--I warn Back, in G.o.d's name! No fresh encroachment here!

This May breaks all to bud--No Winter now!

Friend, we are both forgiven! Sin no more!

I am past sin now, so shall you become!

Meanwhile I testify that, lying once, My foe lied ever, most lied last of all.

He, waking, whispered to your sense asleep The wicked counsel,--and a.s.sent might seem; But, roused, your healthy indignation breaks The idle dream-pact. You would die--not dare Confirm your dream-resolve,--nay, find the word That fits the deed to bear the light of day!

Say I have justly judged you! then farewell To blushing--nay, it ends in smiles, not tears!

Why tears now? I have justly judged, thank G.o.d!"

He does blush boy-like, but the man speaks out, --Makes the due effort to surmount himself.

"I don't know what he wrote--how should I? Nor How he could read my purpose which, it seems, He chose to somehow write--mistakenly Or else for mischief's sake. I scarce believe My purpose put before you fair and plain Would need annoy so much; but there's my luck-- From first to last I blunder. Still, one more Turn at the target, try to speak my thought!

Since he could guess my purpose, won't you read Right what he set down wrong? He said--let's think!

Ay, so!--he did begin by telling heaps Of tales about you. Now, you see--suppose Any one told me--my own mother died Before I knew her--told me--to his cost!-- Such tales about my own dead mother: why, You would not wonder surely if I knew, By nothing but my own heart's help, he lied, Would you? No reason's wanted in the case.

So with you! In they burnt on me, his tales, Much as when madhouse-inmates crowd around, Make captive any visitor and scream All sorts of stories of their keeper--he's Both dwarf and giant, vulture, wolf, dog, cat, Serpent and scorpion, yet man all the same; Sane people soon see through the gibberish!

I just made out, you somehow lived somewhere A life of shame--I can't distinguish more-- Married or single--how, don't matter much: Shame which himself had caused--that point was clear, That fact confessed--that thing to hold and keep.

Oh, and he added some absurdity --That you were here to make me--ha, ha, ha!-- Still love you, still of mind to die for you, Ha, ha--as if that needed mighty pains!

Now, foolish as ... but never mind myself --What I am, what I am not, in the eye Of the world, is what I never cared for much.

Fool then or no fool, not one single word In the whole string of lies did I believe, But this--this only--if I choke, who cares?-- I believe somehow in your purity Perfect as ever! Else what use is G.o.d?

He is G.o.d, and work miracles He can!

Then, what shall I do? Quite as clear, my course!

They've got a thing they call their Labyrinth I' the garden yonder: and my cousin played A pretty trick once, led and lost me deep Inside the briery maze of hedge round hedge; And there might I be staying now, stock-still, But that I laughing bade eyes follow nose And so straight pushed my path through let and stop And soon was out in the open, face all scratched, But well behind my back the prison-bars In sorry plight enough, I promise you!

So here: I won my way to truth through lies-- Said, as I saw light,--if her shame be shame I'll rescue and redeem her,--shame's no shame?

Then, I'll avenge, protect--redeem myself The stupidest of sinners! Here I stand!

Dear,--let me once dare call you so,--you said Thus ought you to have done, four years ago, Such things and such! Ay, dear, and what ought I?

You were revealed to me: where's grat.i.tude, Where's memory even, where the gain of you Discernible in my low after-life Of fancied consolation? why, no horse Once fed on corn, will, missing corn, go munch Mere thistles like a donkey! I missed you, And in your place found--him, made him my love, Ay, did I,--by this token, that he taught So much beast-nature that I meant ... G.o.d knows Whether I bow me to the dust enough!...

To marry--yes, my cousin here! I hope That was a master-stroke! Take heart of hers, And give her hand of mine with no more heart Than now you see upon this brow I strike!

What atom of a heart do I retain Not all yours? Dear, you know it! Easily May she accord me pardon when I place My brow beneath her foot, if foot so deign, Since uttermost indignity is spared-- Mere marriage and no love! And all this time Not one word to the purpose! Are you free?

Only wait! only let me serve--deserve Where you appoint and how you see the good!

I have the will--perhaps the power--at least Means that have power against the world. For time-- Take my whole life for your experiment!

If you are bound--in marriage, say--why, still, Still, sure, there's something for a friend to do, Outside? A mere well-wisher, understand!

I'll sit, my life long, at your gate, you know, Swing it wide open to let you and him Pa.s.s freely,--and you need not look, much less Fling me a '_Thank you--are you there, old friend_?'

Don't say that even: I should drop like shot!

So I feel now at least: some day, who knows?

After no end of weeks and months and years You might smile '_I believe you did your best_!'

And that shall make my heart leap--leap such leap As lands the feet in Heaven to wait you there!

Ah, there's just one thing more! How pale you look!

Why? Are you angry? If there's, after all, Worst come to worst--if still there somehow be The shame--I said was no shame,--none! I swear!-- In that case, if my hand and what it holds,-- My name,--might be your safeguard now--at once-- Why, here's the hand--you have the heart! Of course-- No cheat, no binding you, because I'm bound, To let me off probation by one day, Week, month, year, lifetime! Prove as you propose!

Here's the hand with the name to take or leave!

That's all--and no great piece of news, I hope!"

"Give me the hand, then!" she cries hastily.

"Quick, now! I hear his footstep!"

Hand in hand The couple face him as he enters, stops Short, stands surprised a moment, laughs away Surprise, resumes the much-experienced man.

"So, you accept him?"

"Till us death do part!"

"No longer? Come, that's right and rational!

I fancied there was power in common sense, But did not know it worked thus promptly. Well-- At last each understands the other, then?

Each drops disguise, then? So, at supper-time These masquerading people doff their gear, Grand Turk his pompous turban, Quakeress Her stiff-starched bib and tucker,--make-believe That only bothers when, ball-business done, Nature demands champagne and _mayonnaise_.

Just so has each of us sage three abjured His and her moral pet particular Pretension to superiority, And, cheek by jowl, we henceforth munch and joke!

Go, happy pair, paternally dismissed To live and die together--for a month, Discretion can award no more! Depart From whatsoe'er the calm sweet solitude Selected--Paris not improbably-- At month's end, when the honeycomb's left wax, --You, daughter, with a pocketful of gold Enough to find your village boys and girls In duffel cloaks and hobnailed shoes from May To--what's the phrase?--Christmas-come-never-mas!

You, son and heir of mine, shall re-appear Ere Spring-time, that's the ring-time, lose one leaf, And--not without regretful smack of lip The while you wipe it free of honey-smear-- Marry the cousin, play the magistrate, Stand for the country, prove perfection's pink-- Master of hounds, gay-coated dine--nor die Sooner than needs of gout, obesity, And sons at Christ Church! As for me,--ah me, I abdicate--retire on my success, Four years well occupied in teaching youth --My son and daughter the exemplary!

Time for me to retire now, having placed Proud on their pedestal the pair: in turn, Let them do homage to their master! You,-- Well, your flushed cheek and flashing eye proclaim Sufficiently your grat.i.tude: you paid The _honorarium_, the ten thousand pounds To purpose, did you not? I told you so!

And you, but, bless me, why so pale--so faint At influx of good fortune? Certainly, No matter how or why or whose the fault, I save your life--save it, nor less nor more!

You blindly were resolved to welcome death In that black boor-and-b.u.mpkin-haunted hole Of his, the prig with all the preachments! _You_ Installed as nurse and matron to the crones And wenches, while there lay a world outside Like Paris (which again I recommend) In company and guidance of--first, this, Then--all in good time--some new friend as fit-- What if I were to say, some fresh myself, As I once figured? Each dog has his day, And mine's at sunset: what should old dog do But eye young litters' frisky puppyhood?

Oh I shall watch this beauty and this youth Frisk it in brilliance! But don't fear! Discreet, I shall pretend to no more recognize My quondam pupils than the doctor nods When certain old acquaintances may cross His path in Park, or sit down prim beside His plate at dinner-table: tip nor wink Scares patients he has put, for reason good, Under restriction,--maybe, talked sometimes Of douche or horsewhip to,--for why? because The gentleman would crazily declare His best friend was--Iago! Ay, and worse-- The lady, all at once grown lunatic, In suicidal monomania vowed, To save her soul, she needs must starve herself!

They're cured now, both, and I tell n.o.body.

Why don't you speak? Nay, speechless, each of you Can spare,--without unclasping plighted troth,-- At least one hand to shake! Left-hands will do-- Yours first, my daughter! Ah, it guards--it gripes The precious Alb.u.m fast--and prudently!

As well obliterate the record there On page the last: allow me tear the leaf!

Pray, now! And afterward, to make amends, What if all three of us contribute each A line to that prelusive fragment,--help The embarra.s.sed bard who broke out to break down Dumbfoundered at such unforeseen success?

'_Hail, calm acclivity, salubrious spot_'

You begin--_place aux dames_! I'll prompt you then!

'_Here do I take the good the G.o.ds allot!_'

Next you, Sir! What, still sulky? Sing, O Muse!

'_Here does my lord in full discharge his shot!_'

Now for the crowning flourish! mine shall be...."

"Nothing to match your first effusion, mar What was, is, shall remain your masterpiece!

Authorship has the alteration-itch!

No, I protest against erasure. Read, My friend!" (she gasps out). "Read and quickly read '_Before us death do part_,' what made you mine And made me yours--the marriage-license here!

Decide if he is like to mend the same!"

And so the lady, white to ghastliness, Manages somehow to display the page With left-hand only, while the right retains The other hand, the young man's,--dreaming-drunk He, with this drench of stupefying stuff, Eyes wide, mouth open,--half the idiot's stare And half the prophet's insight,--holding tight, All the same, by his one fact in the world-- The lady's right-hand: he but seems to read-- Does not, for certain; yet, how understand Unless he reads?

So, understand he does, For certain. Slowly, word by word, _she_ reads Aloud that license--or that warrant, say.

"'_One against two--and two that urge their odds To uttermost--I needs must try resource!