Boundaries Face To Face Part 20

5. Do not explain or justify. Only guilty children do that. This is only playing into their message. You do not owe guilt senders an explanation. Just tell what you have chosen. If you want to tell them why you made a certain decision to help them understand, this is okay. If you wish to get them to not make you feel bad or to resolve your guilt, you are playing into their guilt trap.

6. Be a.s.sertive and interpret their messages as being about their feelings. "It sounds like you are angry that I chose to . . ." "It sounds like you are sad that I will not . . ." "I understand you are very unhappy about what I have decided to do. I'm sorry you feel that way." "I realize this is disappointing to you. How can I help?" "It's hard for you when I have other things to do, isn't it?"

The main principle is this: Empathize with the distress people are feeling, but make it clear that it is their distress.

Remember, love and limits are the only clear boundaries. If you react, you have lost your boundaries. "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man without self-control" (Prov. 25:28). If other people have the power to get you to react, they are inside your walls, inside your boundaries. Stop reacting. Be proactive. Give empathy. "Sounds like life is hard right now. Tell me about it." Sometimes people who give guilt messages just want to tell someone how hard it is. Be a listener, but don't take the blame.

Remember the mother who tried to make her son feel guilty. A man with good boundaries would emphathize with his mother: "Sounds like you are feeling lonely, Mom." He would make sure she hears that he hears the feeling beneath the guilt message.

Consequences and Countermoves Brian was having difficulty with his father, a wealthy man who had always used his money to control other people, even his family. He had taught his children to obey by threatening to cut off his financial support or cut them out of his will.

As Brian got older, he wanted more freedom from his father, but he found himself addicted to the family money and the pleasures it afforded him. He liked being able to take his wife on vacations to the family summer home. He liked the tickets to the Big Ten basketball games and the membership in the country club.

But Brian didn't like what his father's control was costing him emotionally and spiritually. He decided to make some changes. He started saying no to some of his father's requests that were disruptive to him and his immediate family. He declined to go on some of the holiday trips when his children wanted to do other things. His father did not like that.

Predictably, he started to cut Brian off from the resources that he had had access to. He used him as an example to the siblings. He began to lavish more privileges onto Brian's brothers and sister to show Brian his mistake. Lastly, he changed his will.

This was hard for Brian. He had to cut down on his lifestyle and do without some of the things he was used to. He had to make different plans for the future as he had always planned on inheriting his father's money. In short, he had to deal with the consequences of his choice to free himself from his father's control. But, for the first time in his life, he was free.

This scenario is common. It is not always a family fortune that's at stake, but it may be parents' financial support for college. Or it may be a mother's availability to be babysitter. Or a father's help in business. Or it may be as serious as the loss of the relationship. The consequences of setting boundaries will be countermoves by controlling people. They will react to your act of boundary setting.

First, figure out what it is that you are getting for your lack of boundaries and what you stand to lose by setting boundaries. In Brian's case it was money. For others, it may be a relationship. Some people are so controlling that if someone starts to stand up to them, they will not relate to them any more. Many people are cut off by the family they grew up in when they stop playing the family's dysfunctional games. Their parents or their "friends" will no longer speak to them.

You face a risk in setting boundaries and gaining control of your life. In most instances, the results are not drastic, for as soon as the other person finds out that you are serious, they start to change. They find the limit setting to be something good for them. As Jesus says, you have "won them." The rebuke of a friend turns out to be good medicine.

Good, honest people need discipline, and they respond, however reluctantly, to limits. Others have what psychologists call "character disorders"; they don't want to take responsibility for their own actions and lives. When their friends and spouses refuse to take responsibility for them, they move on.

When you count the cost of the consequences, as difficult or as costly as they seem, they hardly compare to the loss of your "very self." The message of the Bible is clear: Know the risk and prepare.

Second, decide if you are willing to risk loss. Is the "cross you must pick up" worth it to you for your "very self?" For some, the price is too high. They would rather continue to give in to a controlling parent or friend than to risk the relationship. Intervention specialists caution the family to think hard about whether they are ready to enforce the consequences they agreed on if the alcoholic does not get treatment. Boundaries without consequences are not boundaries. You must decide if you are willing to enforce the consequences before you set the boundaries.

Third, be diligent about making up for what you have lost. In Brian's case, he had to plan to find a way to make more money. Others may need to find new child care arrangements, make new friends, or learn to deal with loneliness.

Fourth, do it. There is no way of dealing with the power moves of others and the consequences of our boundaries other than setting the boundaries and going through with your plan. When you have a plan, do like Peter: Get out of the boat and make your way toward Jesus. Fix your eyes on Jesus, "the author and perfecter" of your faith (Heb. 12:2). The first step will be the hardest. Go out and do it, and look for his help. Remember, "he trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze" (Ps. 18:34).

Fifth, realize that the hard part is just beginning. Setting the limit is not the end of the battle. It is the beginning. Now is the time to go back to your support group and use them to spiritually nourish you so that you will be able to keep your stand. Keep working the program that got you ready to set your boundaries.

Countermoves to your boundary setting are tough to battle. But G.o.d will be there to match your efforts as you "work out your salvation."

Physical Resistance It is sad that we have to include this section, but some people can't maintain their boundaries with another person because they are physically overpowered. Abusive spouses and boyfriends will not take no for an answer; often women who try to set limits are physically abused.

These abused individuals need help. They are often afraid to tell anyone about what has happened, or what is continuing to happen, for many reasons. They are trying to protect their spouse's reputation with friends or the church. They are afraid to admit that they allow this treatment. They are often afraid that they will get beaten worse if they tell. They must realize the seriousness of the problem and get outside help. The problem will not go away, and it could get a lot worse.

If you are in this situation, find other people to help you set limits on the abuse. Find a counselor who has dealt with abusive spouses before. Arrange to call people in your church if your spouse or friend gets violent. Arrange for a place to stay overnight if you are threatened, no matter what the hour. Call the police and an attorney. Get a restraining order on such an individual if he will respect no other limit. Do it for yourself and for your children. Do not allow this to go on. Seek help.

Pain of Others When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss.

If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But, when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.

Blamers Blamers will act as though your saying no is killing them, and they will react with a "How could you do this to me?" message. They are likely to cry, pout, or get angry. Remember that blamers have a character problem. If they make it sound as though their misery is because of your not giving something to them, they are blaming and demanding what is yours. This is very different from a humble person asking out of need. Listen to the nature of other people's complaints; if they are trying to blame you for something they should take responsibility for, confront them.

Susan had to confront her brother, who wanted her to lend him money to get a new car. They were both adults. She was responsible and worked hard; he was irresponsible and never saved enough of what he made. For years he hit her up for loans; for years, she forked over the money. He seldom paid her back.

Finally, after attending a workshop on boundaries, she saw the light and said no to his latest request. He responded as though she had ruined his life. He said that he would not be able to advance in his career "because of her," because he could never attract business unless he had a new car. He said that he would not be able to get dates "because of her" with his old car.

Having learned to hear the blame, she confronted him. She said that she was sorry his career was not going well but his career was his problem. These responses were good for her and good for him.

Real Needs You may need to set boundaries on people in real need. If you are a loving person, it will break your heart to say no to someone you love who is in need. But there are limits to what you can and can't give; you need to say no appropriately. These are not cases of giving "reluctantly or under compulsion" (2 Cor. 9:7). These are the instances in which your broken heart wants to give, but you would burn out if you did.

Remember the story of Moses' impending burnout in Exodus 18. Moses' father-in-law, Jethro, saw all that he was doing for the people and told Moses to delegate some of the work so that he could better meet the needs of the people.

Learn what your limits are, give what you have "decided in your heart" to give, and send other people in need to those who can help them. Empathize with these people's situations. They often need to know that you see their needs as valid and that they really do need help. And pray for them. This is the most loving thing you can do for the pain and needs around you that you can't meet.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation Many people have a problem determining the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. They fail to deal with external resistance because they feel that they have to give in to the other person again or they are not being forgiving. In fact, many people are afraid to forgive because they equate that with letting down their boundaries one more time and giving the other person the power to hurt them again.

The Bible is clear about two principles: (1) We always need to forgive, but (2) we don't always achieve reconciliation. Forgiveness is something that we do in our hearts; we release someone from a debt that they owe us. We write off the person's debt, and she no longer owes us. We no longer condemn her. She is clean. Only one party is needed for forgiveness: me. The person who owes me a debt does not have to ask my forgiveness. It is a work of grace in my heart.

This brings us to the second principle: we do not always achieve reconciliation. G.o.d forgave the world, but the whole world is not reconciled to him. Although he may have forgiven all people, all people have not owned their sin and appropriated his forgiveness. That would be reconciliation. Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.

We do not open ourselves up to the other party until we have seen that she has truly owned her part of the problem. So many times Scripture talks about keeping boundaries with someone until she owns what she has done and produces "fruit in keeping with repentance" (Matt. 3:8). True repentance is much more than saying "I'm sorry"; it is changing direction.

You need to clearly communicate that, while you have forgiven her, you do not trust her yet, for she has not proven herself trustworthy. There has not been enough time to see if she really is going to change.

Remember, G.o.d is your model. He did not wait for people to change their behavior before he stopped condemning them. He is finished condemning, but that does not mean that he has a relationship with all people. People must choose to own up to their sin and repent, then G.o.d will open himself to them. Reconciliation involves two. Do not think that because you have forgiven that you have to reconcile. You can offer reconciliation, but it must be contingent upon the other person owning her behavior and bringing forth trustworthy fruits.

Internal Resistances

We have to have good boundaries, not only externally, as we have seen in the last section, but also internally, to say no to the flesh as it wants to have dominion over us. Let's look at boundaries in regard to our internal resistance to growth.

Human Need Jane was in therapy because of her pattern of picking destructive men. She quickly fell in love with men who were very smooth and charming. In the beginning it was always "great." They would seem to be "what she always wanted" and to fulfill some missing part within her.

She would coast along for a while in this state, then she would slowly "lose herself" in the relationship and find herself giving in to things she did not want to give in to, doing things she did not want to do, and giving things she did not want to give. The men she had fallen for would turn out to be very self-centered and unable to see her needs and respect her boundaries. Before long she would be miserable.

She would talk with friends, who would tell her what she already knew: the guy is a jerk, and you should tell him to take a hike. But she would not act on this knowledge, and she would be in bondage to the relationship, unable to leave. She lacked boundaries. She could not say no.

As we began to look at this pattern in Jane's life, we discovered that the drive to stay with these men was motivated by Jane's desire to ward off the depression she would feel if she separated. We further discovered that the depression was rooted in a very empty place inside Jane that had never been filled by her father. Jane's father had been very much like the men she would pick, unavailable to her emotionally and unwilling to show love to her. She was trying to fill the s.p.a.ce her father should have filled with destructive people who would never fulfill this need. Jane's internal resistance to setting the boundaries was this unmet developmental need from childhood.

G.o.d has designed us with very specific needs from the family we grew up in. We have talked about these before and have written extensively about them elsewhere.1 When we have unmet needs, we need to take inventory of these broken places inside and begin to have those needs met in the body of Christ so that we will be strong enough to fight the boundary fights of adult life.

These unmet developmental needs are responsible for much of our resistance to setting boundaries. G.o.d has designed us to grow up in G.o.dly families where parents do the things he has commanded. They nurture us, they have good boundaries, they forgive and help us resolve the split between good and bad, and they empower us to become responsible adults. But many people have not had this experience. They are psychological orphans who need to be adopted and cared for by the body of Christ; to differing extents, this is true of all of us.

Unresolved Grief and Loss If the "unmet needs" resistance has to do with getting the "good," grief has to do with letting go of the "bad." Many times when someone is unable to set boundaries, it is because they cannot let go of the person with whom they are fused. Jane kept trying to get her need for a caring and loving father met. But to get this need met, Jane was going to have to let go of what she could never have: her father's love. This was going to be a huge loss to her.

The Bible is full of examples of G.o.d asking people to "leave behind" the people and lives that are not good for them. He asked the Israelites to leave Egypt to have a better life, but many of them kept looking back, holding on to what they thought was better. When Lot and his wife left Sodom, the warning was to not look back, yet she did, and turned to salt.

The basic rule in biblical recovery is that the life before G.o.d is not worth holding on to; we must lose it, grieve it, and let go so that he can give us good things. We tend to hold on to the hope that "someday they will love me" and continue to try to get someone who is unable to love us to change. This wish must be mourned and let go so that our hearts can be opened to the new things that G.o.d wants for us.

Many times to set boundaries with someone is to risk losing the love that you have craved for a long time. To start to say no to a controlling parent is to get in touch with the sadness of what you do not have with them, instead of still working hard to get it. This working hard keeps you away from the grief and keeps you stuck. But accepting the reality of who they are and letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief. And that is sad indeed.

We play the "if onlys," instead of having boundaries. We say to ourselves, unconsciously, "if only I would try harder instead of confronting his perfectionistic demands, he will like me." Or, "if only I would give in to her wishes and not make her angry, she will love me." Giving up boundaries to get love postpones the inevitable: the realization of the truth about the person, the embracing of the sadness of that truth, and the letting go and moving on with life.

Let's look at the steps you need to take to face this internal resistance: 1. Own your boundarylessness. Admit that you have a problem. Own the fact that if you are being controlled, manipulated, or abused, the problem is not that you are with a bad person and your misery is their fault. The problem is that you lack boundaries. Don't blame someone else. You are the one with the problem.

2. Realize the resistance. You may think, "Oh, I just need to set some limits," and that you are then on the road to getting better. If it were this easy, you would have done it years earlier. Confess that you do not want to set boundaries because you are afraid. You sabotage your freedom because of inside resistance (Rom. 7:15, 19).

3. Seek grace and truth. As in every other step in the process, you cannot face these hard truths in a vacuum. You need the support of others to help you own up to your internal resistance and also to empower you to do the work of grief. Good grief can only take place in relationship. We need grace from G.o.d and others.

4. Identify the wish. Behind the failure to set limits is the fear of loss. Identify whose love you are going to have to give up if you choose to live. Place a name to it. Who are you going to have to place on the altar and give to G.o.d? Your strong tie to that person is keeping you stuck. "You are not restrained by us, but you are restrained in your own affections" (2 Cor. 6:12 NASB). Like the Corinthians who could not open up to Paul's love, you get stuck in your "affections," your ties to people you need to let go of.

5. Let go. In the safety of your supportive relationships, face what you will never have from this person, or who this person symbolizes. This will be like a funeral. You will go through the stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance. You may not necessarily go through these stages in this order, but you will probably feel all these emotions. This is normal.

Get with your supportive people and talk about your losses. These wishes run very deep and may be very painful to face; you may need to see a professional counselor. To let go of what you never had is difficult. But in the end you will save your life by losing it. Only G.o.d can fill the empty place with the love of his people and himself.

6. Move on. The last step in grieving has to do with finding what you want. "Seek and you will find." G.o.d has a real life out there for you if you are willing to let go of the old one. He can only steer a moving ship, though. You have got to get active and begin to seek his good for you.

You will be amazed how much can change in your life when you finally begin to let go of what you can never have. All of your attempts to preserve the old life were taking a lot of energy and opening you up to a lot of abuse and control. Letting go is the way to serenity. Grief is the path.

Internal Fears of Anger Three partners of a management team of one company were working on a big project with another company. In the course of negotiations, the president of the other company got very angry with the trio because they wouldn't do something he wanted them to do.

Two of the three partners lost sleep, worried, and fretted about the breakdown of negotiations; they wondered what they would do if the president of the other company no longer liked them. They finally called a meeting with the third partner to talk about a strategy. They were prepared to change all of their plans to appease the angry man. When the two told their third partner of their plans to "give away the store," he just looked at them and said, "What's the big deal? So he's angry. What else is on the agenda?"

They all began to laugh as they saw how silly they were being. They were acting like children with an angry parent, as if their psychological survival depended on this president's being happy.

Each of the two partners who had feared the anger of the other man came from homes where anger was used to control; the third partner had never been exposed to that tactic. As a result, the latter had good boundaries. They elected him to meet with the president of the other company. He confronted the man, saying that if he was able to get over his anger and wanted to work with them, fine. But if not, they would go somewhere else.

It was a good lesson. The first two looked at the man from a dependent child's perspective. They acted like he was the only person in the world that they could depend on, and so his anger frightened them. The other one saw it from an adult's eyes and knew that if this man could not get his act together, they could move on.

The problem was internal for two of the three partners. The same angry man got two different responses. The first two resisted setting limits; the third did not. The determining factor was inside the man with the boundary skills, not with the angry man.

If angry people can make you lose your boundaries, you probably have an angry person in your head that you still fear. You will need to work through some of the hurt you experienced in that angry past. A hurt, frightened part of you needs to be exposed to the light and the healing of G.o.d and his people. You need love to allow you to let go of that angry parent and stand up to the adults you now face.

Here are the steps you need to take: 1. Realize it is a problem.

2. Go talk to someone about your paralysis. You will not work this out alone.

3. In your support relationships, find the source of your fear and begin to recognize the person in your head that the angry person represents.

4. Talk out your hurts and feelings regarding these past issues.

5. Practice the boundary-setting skills in this book.

6. Don't go into automatic pilot and give up your boundaries either by fighting or by being pa.s.sive. Give yourself time and s.p.a.ce until you can respond. If you need physical distance, get it. But don't give up your boundaries.

7. When you are ready, respond. Stick to self-control statements. Stick to your decisions. Just reiterate what you will do or not do, and let them be angry. Tell them that you care for them; maybe ask if you can do anything else to help. But your no still stands.

8. Regroup. Talk to your support people about the interaction and see if you kept your ground, lost ground, or were attacking. Many times you will feel mean when you were not, and you may need a reality check on that. You may have thought that you kept your boundaries when you gave away the farm. Get feedback.

9. Keep practicing. Role play, continue to gain insight and understanding about the past, and grieve your losses. Continue to gain skills in the present. After a while, you will think, "I remember when angry people could control me. But I've dealt with the things inside that allowed that. It's nice to be free." Remember, G.o.d does not want angry people to control you. He wants to be your master, and does not want to share you with anyone. He is on your side.

Fear of the Unknown Another powerful internal resistance to setting boundaries is the fear of the unknown. Being controlled by others is a safe prison. We know where all the rooms are. As one woman said, "I didn't want to move out of h.e.l.l. I knew the names of all the streets!"

Setting boundaries and being more independent is scary because it is a step into the unknown. The Bible has many stories about people called by G.o.d out of the familiar to an unknown land. And he promises them if they will step out on faith and live his way, he will lead them to a better land. "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going" (Heb. 11:8).

Change is frightening. It may comfort you to know, that if you are afraid, you are possibly on the right road-the road to change and growth. One businessman I know says that if he is not totally frightened at some point in every day, he is not stretching himself far enough. He is very successful at what he does.

Boundaries separate you from what you have known and what you do not want. They open up all sorts of new options for you. You will have mixed emotions as you let go of the old and familiar and venture out into the new.

Think for a moment about the new and frightening developmental boundary steps that have opened up bigger and better worlds for you. As a two-year-old you stepped away from your mom and dad to explore the world. As a five-year-old you left home to go to school, opening up possibilities of socialization and learning. As an adolescent, you stepped further away from your parents as new competencies and possibilities emerged. As a high school graduate, you left for college or got a job and learned to live on your own.

These steps are scary indeed. But, along with the fear, you stretched to new heights, possibilities, and realizations of G.o.d, yourself, and the world. This is the two-sided nature of boundaries. You may lose something, but you gain a new life of peacefulness and self-control.

Here are some ideas that may prove helpful: 1. Pray. No better antidote to anxiety about the future exists than faith, hope, and the realization of the one who loves us. Prayer gets us in touch with the one in whom our security lies. Lean on G.o.d and ask him to lead your future steps.

2. Read the Bible. G.o.d continually tells us in the Bible that he has our future in his hands and that he promises to lead us. The Bible is full of stories about how he has proven himself faithful to others as he led them into the unknown. When I was a college student faced with the uncertainty of the future, my favorite verse was "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" (Prov. 3:5a6).

Memorizing Scripture verses will give you comfort when you face the unknown. It will remind you that G.o.d is trustworthy.

3. Develop your gifts. Boundaries create independence of functioning. We cannot feel good about our independence if we are not developing skills and competencies. Take cla.s.ses. Gain information. Get counseling. Get more training and education. And practice, practice, practice. As your skills develop, you will have less fear of the future.

4. Lean on your support group. Just as the child who is learning boundaries needs to look back and check in with mother for refueling, so do adults. You need your support group to help comfort you in the changes you are going through. Lean on them, gain strength from them. "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up" (Eccl. 4:9a10). Remember, as the disciples were about to embark on the unknown, Jesus prayed for their unity, oneness, and love for each other and G.o.d (John 17).

5. Learn from the witness of others. Research and experience has shown that it is very helpful to get with other people who are struggling and who have gone through what you have gone through. This is more than support. It is being able to hear the stories of people who have been there, who have been scared, but who can witness to the fact that you can make it. Listen to their trials, how they have been in your shoes, and how G.o.d was faithful to them (2 Cor. 1:4).

6. Have confidence in your ability to learn. There is nothing that you are presently doing that you did not have to learn. At one time the things you are now able to do were unfamiliar and frightening. This is the nature of life. But the important thing to remember is that you can learn. Once you realize that you are able to learn new things and handle new situations, you cease fearing the future. People who have strong fears about the unknown have a strong need to "know everything" beforehand, and no one ever knows how to do something before they do it. They go and learn it. Some people have confidence in their ability to learn, and others don't. If you can begin to learn that you can learn, future unknowns look totally different.

Many depressed people suffer from a syndrome called "learned helplessness," in which they have been taught that whatever they do will make no difference on the outcome. Many dysfunctional families caught in destructive cycles reinforce this in their children. But when you grow up and see other options that will make a difference, you do not have to stay stuck in the helplessness you learned at home. You can learn new patterns of relating and functioning; this is the essence of the personal power G.o.d wants you to have.

7. Rework past separations. Often when you have to make a change or go through a loss, you find that your fear or sadness seems greater than the situation warrants. Some of these heightened emotions may come from past separations or memories of change.

If you had some serious losses in the past, such as losses of friends through frequent moves, you may be tapping into what was not resolved in the past.

Make sure that you find someone with wisdom and begin to see if the fear and pain you are feeling as you face the present is coming from something unresolved in the past. This will help you get into perspective what you feel and perceive. You may be seeing the world through the eyes of a six-year-old, instead of the thirty-five-year-old that you are. Rework the past and do not let it become the future.

8. Structure. For many people life changes are unbearable because of the loss of structure they entail. In such changes, we often lose both internal and external structures. Things we used to depend on inside are no longer there, and people, places, and schedules that made us secure on the outside have disappeared. This can leave us in a state of chaos.

Creating internal as well as external structure will help in these times of reorganization. Internal structure will come from creating boundaries, following the steps in this book. In addition, gaining new values and beliefs, learning new spiritual principles and information, having new disciplines and plans and sticking to them, and having others listen to your pain are all structure building. But while you are doing this, you may also need some strong external structure.

Set a certain time every day to call a friend, schedule weekly meeting times with your support group, or join a regular Bible study or a twelve-step support group. In chaotic times, you may need some structure around which to orient your new changes. As you grow, and the change is not overwhelming, you can begin to give up some structure.

9. Remember what G.o.d has done. The Bible is full of G.o.d's reminding his people of the things he has done in the past to give them faith for the future. Hope is rooted in memory. We remember getting help in the past and that gives us hope for the future. Some people feel so hopeless because they have no memory of being helped in the past.