Boundaries Face To Face Part 13

"What do you mean? He's the one who comes home late."

"Well, what if you had plans to go out with your friends that night? Would you still be angry at him for being late?"

"Well, no. That's different."

"What's different? You said you were angry because he was late, and he would still be late, yet you wouldn't be angry."

"Well, in that situation, he wouldn't be doing anything to hurt me."

"Not exactly," I pointed out. "The difference is that you wouldn't be wanting something that he didn't want to give. Your disappointed desire is what hurts you, not his being late. The problem lies in who is responsible for the want. It is your want, not his. You are responsible for getting it fulfilled. That is a rule of life. We do not get everything we want, and we all must grieve over our disappointments instead of punish others for them."

"What about common respect? Staying at the office is selfish," she said.

"Well, he wants to work some nights, and you want him home. Both of you want something for yourselves. We could say that you are as selfish as he is. The truth is that neither one of you is selfish. You just have conflicting wants. This is what marriage is about-getting conflicting wants worked out."

There was no "bad guy" in this situation. Both Jim and Susan had needs. Jim needed to work late, and Susan needed him home. Problems arise when we make someone else responsible for our needs and wants, and when we blame them for our disappointments.

Limits on What I Can Give We are finite creatures and must give as we "decide in [our] heart to give" (2 Cor. 9:7), being aware of when we are giving past the love point to the resentment point. Problems arise when we blame someone else for our own lack of limits. Often spouses will do more than they really want to and then resent the other for not stopping them from overgiving.

Bob had this problem. His wife, Nancy, wanted the perfect home, including handmade patios, landscaping, and remodeling. She was always coming up with something for him to do around the house. He was beginning to resent her projects.

When he came to see me, I asked him why he was angry.

"Well, because she wants so much. I can't find any time for myself," he said.

"What do you mean 'can't'? Don't you mean 'won't'?"

"No, I can't. She would be angry if I didn't do the work."

"Well, that's her problem; it's her anger."

"Yes, but I have to listen to it."

"No, you don't," I said. "You are choosing to do all of these things for her, and you are choosing to take the tongue lashings that happen if you don't. Any time you spend doing things for her is a gift from you; if you do not want to give it, you don't have to. Stop blaming her for all of this."

Bob didn't like that. He wanted her to stop wanting instead of his learning to say no.

"How much time do you want to give her each week for home improvement?" I asked.

He thought for a minute. "About four hours. I could work on things for her and still have a little time left for a hobby."

"Then tell her that you have been thinking about your time and that with all the other things you are doing for the family, you would like to give her four hours a week to work around the house. She is free to use that time any way she chooses."

"But what if she says that four hours is not enough?"

"Explain to her that you understand that this may not be enough time to complete all the jobs she wants done, but those are her wants, not yours. Therefore, she is responsible for her own wants, and she is free to be creative in how she gets them done. She could earn some extra money and hire someone. She could learn to do them herself. She could ask a friend to help. Or, she could cut down on her wants. It is important that she learns that you are not going to take responsibility for her wants. You're going to give as you choose, and she is responsible for the rest."

Bob saw the logic in my suggestion and decided to talk with Nancy. It was not pretty at first. No one had ever said no to Nancy before, and she did not take well to it. But, over time, Bob took responsibility for his limits instead of wishing that Nancy would not want so much, and his limits took effect. She learned something that she had never learned before: the world does not exist for her. Other people are not extensions of her wants and desires. Other people have wants and needs of their own, and we must negotiate a fair and loving relationship and respect each other's limits.

The key here is that the other person is not responsible for our limits; we are. Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we do not draw it, we can quickly become resentful.

Applying the Laws of Boundaries to Marriage

In Chapter 5 we talked about the ten laws of boundaries. Let's apply a few of those laws to troubled marital situations.

The Law of Sowing and Reaping Many times one spouse may be out of control and may not suffer the consequences of this behavior. The husband yells at his wife, and she tries to be more loving. In effect, the evil (yelling) produces good things (more loving) for him. Or, a wife overspends, and her husband pays the consequences. He gets a second job to cover the mound of bills.

Natural consequences are needed to resolve these problems. A wife needs to tell her overly critical husband that if he continues to berate her, she will go into another room until he can discuss the problem rationally. Or, she could say something like, "I will not talk about this issue with you anymore alone. I will only talk in the presence of a counselor." Or, "If you start yelling at me again, I will go to Jane's house to spend the night." The husband with the spendthrift wife needs to cancel the credit cards or tell her she needs to get a second job to pay the bills. These spouses all need to let the out-of-control spouses suffer the consequences of their actions.

A friend of mine decided to let his wife suffer the consequences of her chronic lateness. He had nagged and nagged his wife about her tardiness, to no avail. Finally, he realized he could not change her; he could only change his response to her. Tired of suffering the consequences of her behavior, he decided to give them back to her.

One night they had plans to go to a banquet, and he did not want to be late. In advance, he told her that he wanted to be on time and that if she were not ready by 6:00 p.m., he would leave without her. She was late, and he left. When he came home that night, she screamed, "How could you leave without me!" He let her know that her lateness was what caused her to miss the banquet and that he was sad to have to go alone, but he did not want to miss the dinner. After a few more incidents like this, she knew that her lateness would affect her and not him, and she changed.

These moves are not manipulative, as the other spouse will accuse. They are examples of someone limiting how they will allow themselves to be treated and exhibiting self-control. The natural consequences are falling on the shoulders of the responsible party.

The Law of Responsibility We talked earlier about taking responsibility for ourselves and having responsibility to others. The above examples show that. People who set limits exhibit self-control and show responsibility for themselves. They act responsible to their partner by confronting him or her. Setting limits is an act of love in the marriage; by binding and limiting the evil, they protect the good.

Taking responsibility for someone's anger, pouting, and disappointments by giving in to that person's demands or controlling behavior destroys love in a marriage. Instead of taking responsibility for people we love, or rescuing them, we need to show responsibility to them by confronting evil when we see it. This is truly loving our partner and the marriage. The most responsible behavior possible is usually the most difficult.

The Law of Power We have looked at our basic inability to change another person. A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going. Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better path. When we do this, we execute the power we do have, and we stop trying to wield the power no one has. Contrast these ways of reacting: BEFORE BOUNDARIES AFTER BOUNDARIES.

1. "Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer."

1. "You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way."

2. "You've got to stop drinking. It's ruining our family. Please listen. You're wrecking our lives."

2. "You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk, we will go to the Wilsons' for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is your choice. What I will put up with is mine."

3. "You are a pervert to look at p.o.r.nography. That's so degrading. What kind of a sick person are you anyway?"

3. "I will not choose to share you s.e.xually with naked women in magazines. It's up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose."

These are all examples of taking power over what you do have power over-yourself-and giving up trying to control and have power over someone else.

The Law of Evaluation When you confront your husband or wife and begin to set boundaries, your partner may be hurt. In evaluating the pain that your boundary setting causes your spouse, remember that love and limits go together. When you set boundaries, be lovingly responsible to the person in pain.

Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and act responsibly toward them. Spouses who are controlling and self-centered will react angrily.

Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person. You are not demanding that your spouse do something-even respect your boundaries. You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do. Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself. Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse. It is the opposite. It is giving up control and beginning to love. You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior.

The Law of Exposure In a marriage, as in no other relationship, the need for revealing your boundaries is important. Pa.s.sive boundaries, such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and pa.s.sive-aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship. Pa.s.sive ways of showing people that they do not have control over you never lead to intimacy. They never educate the other on who you really are; they only estrange.

Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions. They need to be clear and unapologetic. Remember the types of boundaries we listed earlier: skin, words, truth, physical s.p.a.ce, time, emotional distance, other people, consequences. All of these boundaries need to be respected and revealed at different times in marriage.

Skin. Each spouse needs to respect the other's physical body boundaries. Physical boundary violations can range from hurtful displays of affection to physical abuse. The Bible says that the husband and wife have "authority" over each other's body (1 Cor. 7:4a6 NASB); this is mutual authority, given freely. One should always remember Jesus' principle: "Treat others as you would want to be treated."

Words. Your words need to be clear and spoken in love. Confront your spouse directly. Say no. Don't use pa.s.sive resistance. Don't pout or withdraw. Say things like, "I do not feel comfortable with that. I do not want to. I won't."

Truth. Paul says that "each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully" (Eph. 4:25). Honest communication is always best. This includes telling the other person when he is not aware that he is violating one of G.o.d's standards. You also need to own the truth about your feelings and hurts and communicate those feelings directly to your spouse with love.

Physical s.p.a.ce. When you need time away, tell your spouse. Sometimes you need s.p.a.ce for nourishment; other times you need s.p.a.ce for limit setting. In either instance, your spouse should not have to guess why you do not want him around for a while. Communicate clearly so your spouse does not feel as though he is being punished, but knows he is experiencing the consequences of his out-of-control behavior (Matt. 18:17; 1 Cor. 5:9a13).

Emotional Distance. If you are in a troubled marriage, where your partner has had an affair, for example, you may need emotional s.p.a.ce. Waiting to trust again is wise. You need to see if your spouse is truly repentant, and your spouse needs to see that her behavior has a cost. Your spouse may interpret this as punishment, but the Bible teaches that we are to judge a person by her actions, not by her words (James 2:14a26).

In addition, a hurt heart takes time to heal. You cannot rush back into a position of trust with too much unresolved hurt. That hurt needs to be exposed and communicated. If you are hurting, you need to own that hurt.

Time. Each spouse needs time apart from the relationship. Not just for limit setting, as we pointed out above, but for self-nourishment. The Proverbs 31 wife has a life of her own; she is out doing many things. The same is true of her husband. They have their own time for doing what they like and for seeing their own friends.

Many couples have trouble with this aspect of marriage. They feel abandoned when their spouse wants time apart. In reality, spouses need time apart, which makes them realize the need to be back together. Spouses in healthy relationships cherish each other's s.p.a.ce and are champions of each other's causes.

Other People. Some spouses need the support of others to set boundaries. If they haven't ever stood up for themselves, they need help from friends and the church in learning how. If you are too weak to set and enforce boundaries, get help from supporters outside your marriage. Do not, however, seek support from someone of the opposite s.e.x that could lead to an affair. Get help from other people within relationships that have built-in boundaries, such as counselors or support groups.

Consequences. Communicate consequences clearly and enforce them firmly as you have said you would. Spelling out consequences in advance and enforcing them gives your spouse a choice about whether or not he or she wants the consequences to happen. Because people have control over their own behavior, they have control over the consequences of that behavior.

But That Doesn't Sound Submissive

Whenever we talk about a wife setting boundaries, someone asks about the biblical idea of submission. What follows is not a full treatise on submission, but some general issues you should keep in mind.

First, both husbands and wives are supposed to practice submission, not just wives. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Eph. 5:21). Submission is always the free choice of one party to another. Wives choose to submit to their husbands, and husbands choose to submit to their wives.

Christ's relationship with the church is a picture of how a husband and wife should relate: "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless" (Eph. 5:24a27).

Whenever submission issues are raised, the first question that needs to be asked is, What is the nature of the marital relationship? Is the husband's relationship with his wife similar to Christ's relationship with the church? Does she have free choice, or is she a slave "under the law"? Many marital problems arise when a husband tries to keep his wife "under the law," and she feels all the emotions the Bible promises the law will bring: wrath, guilt, insecurity, and alienation (Rom. 4:15; James 2:10; Gal. 5:4).

Freedom is one issue that needs to be examined; grace is another. Is the husband's relationship with his wife full of grace and unconditional love? Is she in a position of "no condemnation" as the church is (Rom. 8:1), or does her husband fail to "wash her" of all guilt? Usually husbands who quote Ephesians 5 turn their wives into slaves and condemn them for not submitting. If she incurs wrath or condemnation for not submitting, she and her husband do not have a grace-filled Christian marriage; they have a marriage "under the law."

Often, in these situations, the husband is trying to get his wife to do something that either is hurtful or takes away her will. Both of these actions are sins against himself. "Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church" (Eph. 5:28a29). Given this, the idea of slavelike submission is impossible to hold. Christ never takes away our will or asks us to do something hurtful. He never pushes us past our limits. He never uses us as objects. Christ "gave himself up" for us. He takes care of us as he would his own body.

We have never seen a "submission problem" that did not have a controlling husband at its root. When the wife begins to set clear boundaries, the lack of Christlikeness in a controlling husband becomes evident because the wife is no longer enabling his immature behavior. She is confronting the truth and setting biblical limits on hurtful behavior. Often, when the wife sets boundaries, the husband begins to grow up.

A Question of Balance

"I can't get him to spend any time with me. All he wants to do is go with his friends to sporting events. He never wants to see me," Meredith complained.

"What do you say to that?" I asked her husband.

"That's not true at all," Paul replied. "It feels like all we have is togetherness. She calls me at work two or three times a day. She is waiting at the door when I get home and wants to talk. She has our evenings and weekends all planned out. It drives me crazy. So, I try to get away and go to a game or to play golf. I feel smothered."

"How often do you try to get out?"

"Any time I can. Probably about two nights a week and one afternoon on the weekend."

"What do you do at those times?" I asked Meredith.

"Well, I wait for him to come home. I miss him very much."

"Don't you have something you want to do for yourself?"

"No. My family is my life. I live for them. I hate it when they are gone and we can't have time together."

"Well, it's not like you never have time together," I said. "But it is true that you don't have all the time together. And when that happens, Paul seems to be relieved and you are distressed. Can you explain that imbalance?"

"What do you mean, 'imbalance'?" she asked.

"Every marriage is made up of two ingredients, togetherness and separateness. In good marriages, the partners carry equal loads of both of those. Let's say there are 100 points of togetherness and 100 points of separateness. In a good relationship, one partner expresses 50 points of togetherness and 50 points of separateness, and the other does the same. They both do things on their own, and that creates some mutual longing for the other, and the togetherness creates some need for separateness. But in your relationship, you have divided the 200 points differently. You are expressing all of the 100 together points, and he is expressing the 100 points of separateness.

"If you want him to move toward you," I continued, "you need to move away from him and create some s.p.a.ce for longing. I don't think Paul ever gets a chance to miss you. You're always pursuing him, and he is turning away to create s.p.a.ce. If you would create some s.p.a.ce, he would have some s.p.a.ce to long for you in, and then he would pursue you."

"That's exactly right," Paul broke in. "Honey, it's like when you were getting your graduate degree and were gone so much. Remember? I used to long to see you. I don't get a chance to miss you now. You're always around."

Meredith was reluctant to concede my point, but eager to explore with Paul ways to bring balance to their marital relationship.

Balance. It's something that G.o.d has wired into every system. Every system tries to find balance in any way it can. And many dimensions need to be balanced in a marriage: power, strength, togetherness, s.e.x, and so on. Problems come when, instead of trading places in these areas, one spouse is always powerful and the other powerless; one spouse is always strong and the other weak; one spouse always wants togetherness and the other wants separateness; one spouse always wants s.e.x and the other doesn't. In each case, the couple has struck a balance, but it is not a mutual balance.

Boundaries help create mutual balance, instead of split balance. They help couples keep each other accountable. If someone does not have boundaries and begins to do another's work for him, such as creating all the togetherness in the relationship, that person is on the road to codependency or worse. The other partner will live out the opposite side of the split. Boundaries keep partners accountable through consequences and force the balance to become mutual.

The Preacher in Ecclesiastes says, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" (3:1). There are balanced polarities in life and relationship. When you find yourself in an unequal relationship, you may lack boundaries. Setting boundaries may correct the imbalance. For example, when Paul sets boundaries on Meredith's demands, he forces her to become more independent.

Resolution