Bossypants Part 14

Sally Hemings just called you a dog, Thomas Jefferson.

THOMAS JEFFERSON

I don't care. This is about Tracy. I rode a horse all the way from Heaven to tell him something.

There was Matt Hubbard, a baby-faced Harvard boy who always wanted to order McDonald's for staff lunch, which I liked a lot. Matt and his wife sublet a place on the Upper East Side of Manhattan that turned out to have bedbugs. This kind of deep human suffering, in combination with his highly processed diet, transformed him into a joke-writing superhero. MVP episode: 115, "Hardball." MVPjoke: Tracy Jordan on food.

KENNETH

h.e.l.lo there, Mr. Jordan! Mr. Slattery, Mr. Oppenheim. I've picked up your lunch from Sylvia's.Extra cornbread, because I know you like it.

TRACY

Like it? I love it! I love that cornbread so much I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant!

There was Daisy Gardner, a delicate soul with a nervous stomach who pitched some of the filthiest jokes you could imagine, in the gentlest voice you could imagine. MVP episode: 116, "The Source Awards," in which Jack Donaghy tries to recover from the failure of his foul-tasting wine, Donaghy Estates, by trying to market it to the hip-hop community as a replacement for Cristal. MVPjoke: rapper Ghostface Killah trying to swig Donaghy Estates during a music video.

GHOSTFACE KILLAH (CONT'D)

'CAUSE I GET RAW AND TAKE NAMES/JUST LIKE LEBRON JAMES/AND DONAGHY KINDA RHYMESWITH PARTY/WHICH IS COOL

He takes another sip, reacts, disgusted.

GHOSTFACE KILLAH (CONT'D)

I gotta take a break. I can't drink any more of this. My tummy hurts!

The Lord sent me John Riggi, who upon first meeting looked like an angry longsh.o.r.eman in a denim jacket and a skullcap, but turned out to be a sensitive Italian boy from Cincinnati and an excellent cook. MVP episode: 104, "Blind Date." MVP joke:

LIZ

You mean Gretchen Thomas? The brilliant plastics engineer-slash-lesbian?

(off his puzzled look)

What made you think I was gay?

JACK

Your shoes.

Liz looks down at her shoes. They are pretty borderline.

LIZ

Well, I'm straight.

JACK

Those shoes are bi-curious.

Our youngest writer was Donald Glover. He had just graduated from NYU's writing program and was still living in a dorm and working as an RA. Donald was our only African American writer at the time, but his real diversity was that he was our only "cool young person" who could tell us what the "kids were listening to these days." Also, because he came from a large family in Georgia, he was very helpful in writing for the character Kenneth the Page. MVP joke: a scene where Jenna (Jane Krakowski) is trying to teach Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) how to brag about himself in a pa.s.sive-aggressive way.

JENNA

Not even a "back door" brag?

KENNETH

What's a "back door" brag?

JENNA

It's sneaking something wonderful about yourself into everyday conversation. Like when I tell people, "It's hard for me to watch 'American Idol,' because I have perfect pitch."

KENNETH

Oh... ew.

JENNA

Now you try.

KENNETH

It's hard for me to watch "American Idol" 'cause there's a water bug on my channel changer.

It's hard for me to pinpoint what I like most about that joke. Is it that Kenneth is truly incapable of bragging? The revelation that Kenneth's apartment is crawling with water bugs? No, I think it's the use of the grandmotherly expression "channel changer."

As for Robert Carlock, his strengths are erudite references, absurd joke constructions, and White Male Malaise in a multicultural world. MVP episodes: 105, "Jacktor"; 215, "Sandwich Day"; 310,"Generalissimo"; 416, "Apollo, Apollo." MVP joke: too many to name, but the character that flows from him the most freely is Dr. Leo s.p.a.ceman (Chris Parnell). At the end of season 1, Jack suffers a heart attack. His unscrupulous s...o...b..z doctor comes out to the waiting room to give Liz, Jack's mother (Elaine Stritch), and Jack's fiancee (Emily Mortimer) a prognosis.

Dr. s.p.a.ceman enters from I.C.U. His lab coat is covered in blood. The women all gasp.

DR. s.p.a.cEMAN

What, this? No, no, I was at a costume party earlier this evening... and the hostess's dog attacked me so I had to stab it.

Perhaps the Carlockian worldview is best summed up by this exchange from a recent episode, when Tracy arrives at the hospital just after the birth of his daughter.

TRACY (O.C.) (CONT'D)

Why is the baby covered in goop?!

DR. s.p.a.cEMAN (O.C.)

Because everything about this is disgusting!

Taking the World by Storm! (Storm Downgraded to Light Rain byWeather Experts)