Bossypants Part 12

There are seven differences. See if you can spot them.*

Photoshop itself is not evil. Just like Italian salad dressing is not inherently evil, until you rub it all over a desperate young actress and stick her on the cover of Maxim, pretending to pull her panties down. (That "thumbs in the panties" move is the worst. Really? It's not enough that they got greased up and in their panties for you, Maxim?)

Give it up. Retouching is here to stay. Technology doesn't move backward. No society has ever de-industrialized. Which is why we'll never turn back from Photoshop-and why the economic collapse of China is going to be the death of us all. Never mind that. Let's keep being up in arms about this Photoshop business!

I don't see a future in which we're all anorexic and suicidal. I do see a future in which we all retouch the bejeezus out of our own pictures at home. Family Christmas cards will just be eyes and nostrils in a snowman border.

At least with Photoshop you don't really have to alter your body. It's better than all these disgusting injectibles and implants. Isn't it better to have a computer do it to your picture than to have a doctor do it to your face?

I have thus far refused to get any Botox or plastic surgery. (Although I do wear a clear elastic chin strap that I hook around my ears and pin under my day wig.) I can't be expected to lead the charge on everything. Let me have my Photoshop.

For today is about dreams!

Dear Internet

One of my greatest regrets, other than being the Zodiac Killer never learning to tango, is that I don't always have time to answer the wonderful correspondence I receive. When people care enough to write, the only well-mannered thing to do is to return the gift, so please indulge me as I answer some fans here.

From tmz.com

Posted by Sonya in Tx on 4/7/2010, 4:33 P.M.

"When is Tina going to do something about that hideous scar across her cheek??"

Dear Sonya in Tx,

Greetings, Texan friend! (I'm a.s.suming the "Tx" in your screen name stands for Texas and not some rare chromosomal deficiency you have. Hope I'm right about that!) First of all, my apologies for the delayed response. I was unaware you had written until I went on tmz.com to watch some of their amazing footage of people in L.A. leaving restaurants and I stumbled upon your question.

I'm sure if you and I compare schedules we could find a time to get together and do something about this scar of mine. But the trickier question is What am I going to do? I would love to get your advice, actually. I'm a.s.suming you're a physician, because you seem really knowledgeable about how the human body works. What do you think I should do about this hideous scar? I guess I could wear a bag on my head, but do I go with linen like the Elephant Man or a simple brown paper like the Unknown Comic? Too many choices, help!

Thank you for your time. You are a credit to Texas and Viking women both.

Yours,

Tina

P.S. Great use of double question marks, by the way. It makes you seem young.

From Dlisted.com

Posted by Centaurious on Monday, 9/21/2009, 2:08 A.M.

"Tina Fey is an ugly, pear-shaped, b.i.t.c.hy, overrated troll."

Dear Centaurious,

First let me say how inspiring it is that you have learned to use a computer.

I hate for our correspondence to be confrontational, but you have offended me deeply. To say I'm an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair. I'll leave it for others to say if I'm the best, but I am certainly one of the most dedicated trolls guarding bridges today. I always ask three questions, at least two of which are riddles.

As for "ugly, pear-shaped, and b.i.t.c.hy"? I prefer the terms "offbeat, business cla.s.sa.s.sed, and exhausted," but I'll take what I can get. There's no such thing as bad press!

Now go to bed, you crazy night owl! You have to be at NASA early in the morning. So they can look for your p.e.n.i.s with the Hubble telescope.

Affectionately,

Tina

From PerezHilton.com

Posted by jerkstore on Wednesday, 1/21/2009, 11:21 P.M.

"In my opinion Tina Fey completely ruined SNL. The only reason she's celebrated is because she's a woman and an outspoken liberal. She has not a single funny bone in her body."

Dear jerkstore,

Huzzah for the Truth Teller! Women in this country have been over-celebrated for too long. Just last night there was a story on my local news about a "missing girl," and they must have dedicated seven or eight minutes to "where she was last seen" and "how she might have been abducted by a close family friend," and I thought, "What is this, the News for Chicks?" Then there was some story about Hillary Clinton flying to some country because she's secretary of state. Why do we keep talking about these dumdums? We are a society that constantly celebrates no one but women and it must stop! I want to hear what the men of the world have been up to. What fun new guns have they invented? What are they raping these days? What's Michael Bay's next film going to be?

When I first set out to ruin SNL, I didn't think anyone would notice, but I persevered because-like you trying to do a nine-piece jigsaw puzzle-it was a labor of love.

I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I feel safe with you, jerkstore, so I'll say it. Everything you ever hated on SNL was by me, and anything you ever liked was by someone else who did it against my will.

Sincerely,

Tina Fey

P.S. You know who does have a funny bone in her body? Your mom every night for a dollar.

From a bodybuilding forum

Posted by SmarterChild, on 2/24/2008, 2:10 P.M.

"I'd stick it in her tail pipe."

Dear SmarterChild,

Thank you so much for your interest. Whether you meant it in a s.e.xual way or merely as an act of aggression, I am grateful. As a "woman of a certain age" in this business, I feel incredibly lucky to still be "catching your eye" "with my a.n.u.s." You keep me relevant!

Sincerely,

Ms. T. Fey

From tmz.com

Posted by Kevin 214 on 11/9/08, 11:38 A.M.