Body Language_ How to read others' thoughts by their gestures Part 6

Here is a simple test that you can conduct at a restaurant which demonstrates how a person will react to invasion of his territory. I recently took a salesman to lunch to offer him a contract with our company. We sat at a small rectangular restaurant table which was too small to allow me to take the comer position so I was forced to sit in the compet.i.tive position.

The usual dining items were on the table: ashtray, salt and pepper shakers, napkins and a menu. I picked up the menu, read it, and then pushed it across into the other man's territory. He picked it up, read it, and then placed it back in the centre of the table to his right. I then picked it up again, read it, and placed it back in his territory. He had been leaning forward at this point and this subtle invasion made him sit back. The ashtray was in the middle of the table and, as I ashed my cigarette, I pushed it into his territory. He then ashed his own cigarette and pushed the ashtray back to the centre of the table once again. Again, quite casually, I ashed my cigarette and pushed the ashtray back to his side. I then slowly pushed the sugar bowl from the middle to his side and he began to show discomfort. Then I pushed the salt and pepper shakers across the centre line. By this time, he was squirming around in his seat as though he was sitting on an ant's nest and a light film of sweat began to form on his brow. When I pushed the napkins across to his side it was all too much and he excused himself and went to the toilet. On his return, I also excused myself. When I returned to the table I found that all the table items had been pushed back to the centre line!

This simple, effective game demonstrates the tremendous resistance that a person has to the invasion of his territory. It should now be obvious why the compet.i.tive seating arrangement should be avoided in any negotiation or discussion.

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There will be occasions on which it may be difficult or inappropriate to take the corner position to present your case. Let us a.s.sume that you have a visual presentation; a book, quotation or sample to present to another person who is sitting behind a rectangular desk. First, place the article on the table (Figure 155). The other person will lean forward and look at it, take it into his territory or push it back into your territory.

If he leans forward to look at it, you must deliver your presentation from where you sit as this action non-verbally tells you that he does not want you on his side of the desk. If he takes it into his territory this gives you the opportunity to ask permission to enter his territory and take either the corner or cooperative positions (Figure 157). If, however, he pushes it back, you're in trouble! The golden rule is never to encroach on the other person's territory unless you have been given verbal or non-verbal permission to do so or you will put them offside.

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The Independent Position (B4) This is the position taken by people when they do not wish to interact with each other; it occurs in such places as a library, park bench or restaurant. It signifies lack of interest and can even be interpreted as hostile by the other person if the territorial boundaries are invaded. This 'position should be avoided where open discussion between A and B is required.

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SQUARE, ROUND, RECTANGULAR TABLES.

Square Table (Formal) As previously mentioned, square tables create a compet.i.tive or defensive relationship between people of equal status. Square tables are ideal for having short, to-the-point conversations or to create a superior/subordinate relationship. The most co-operation usually comes from the person seated beside you and the one on the right tends to be more co-operative than the one on the left. The most resistance usually comes from the person seated directly opposite.

Round Table (Informal) King Arthur used the Round Table as an attempt to give each of his knights an equal amount of authority and status. A round table creates an atmosphere of relaxed informality and is ideal for promoting discussion among people who are of equal status as each person can claim the same amount of table territory. Removing the table and sitting in a circle also promotes the same result. Unfortunately, King Arthur was unaware that if the status of one person is higher than the others in the group it alters the power and authority of each other individual. The king held the most power at the Round Table and this meant that the knights seated on either side of him were non-verbally granted the next highest amount of power, the one on his right having a little more than the one on the left, and the amount of power diminished relative to the distance that each knight was seated away from the king.

Consequently, the knight seated directly across the table from King Arthur was, in effect, in the compet.i.tive-defensive position and was likely to be the one who gave the most trouble. Many of today's business executives use both square and round tables. The square desk, which is usually the work desk, is used for business activity, brief conversations, reprimands and the like. The round table, often a coffee table with wraparound seating, is used to create an informal relaxed atmosphere or to persuade.

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Rectangular Tables On a rectangular table, position A has always commanded the most influence. In a meeting of people of equal status the person sitting at position A will have the most influence, a.s.suming that he does not have his back to the door. If A's back were facing the door, the person seated at B would be the most influential and would be strong compet.i.tion for A. a.s.suming that A was in the best power position, person B has the next most authority, then C, then D. This information makes it possible to structure power plays at meetings by placing name badges on the seats where you want each person to sit so that you may have the maximum influence over them.

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The Dining Table at Home The choice of the shape of a family dining room table can give a clue to the power distribution in that family, a.s.suming that the dining-room could have accommodated a table of any shape and that the table shape was selected after considerable thought. 'Open' families go for round tables, 'closed' families select square tables and 'authoritative' types select rectangular tables.

GETTING A DECISION OVER DINNER.

Bearing in mind what has already been said about human territories and the use of square, rectangular and round tables, let us now look at the dynamics of taking a person to dinner where the objective is to obtain a favourable response to a proposition. Let us examine the factors that can build a positive atmosphere, discuss their origin and potential and examine the background of man's feeding behaviour.

Anthropologists tell us that man's origin was that of a tree-dweller who was strictly vegetarian, his diet consisting of roots, leaves, berries, fruit and the like. About a million years ago, he came out of the trees onto the plains to become a hunter of prey. Prior to his becoming a land dweller, man's eating habits were those of the monkeys - involving continual nibbling throughout the day. Each individual was entirely responsible for his own survival and for obtaining his own food. As a hunter, however, he needed the co-operation of other individuals to capture large prey, so large co-operative hunting groups were formed. Each group would leave at sunrise to hunt throughout the day and return at dusk with the day's spoils. These were then divided equally among the hunters, who would eat inside a communal cave.

At the entrance to the cave a fire was lit to ward off dangerous animals and to provide warmth. Each caveman sat with his back against the wall of the cave to avoid the possibility of being attacked from behind while he was engrossed in eating his meal. The only sounds that were heard were the gnashing and gnawing of teeth and the crackle of the fire. This ancient process of food sharing at dusk around an open fire was the beginning of a social event that modern man re-enacts in the form of barbecues, cookouts and dinner parties. Modern man also reacts and behaves at these events in much the same way as he did over a million years ago.

Now to our restaurant or dinner party. A positive decision in your favour is easier to obtain when your prospect is relaxed, free of tension and his or her defensive barriers have been lowered. To achieve this end, and keeping in mind what has already been said about our ancestors, a few simple rules need to be followed.

First, whether you are dining at your home or at a restaurant, have your prospect seated with his back to a solid wall or screen. Research shows that respiration, heart rate, brain wave frequencies and blood pressure rapidly increase when a person sits with his back to an open s.p.a.ce, particularly where others are moving about. Tension is further increased if the person's back is towards an open door or a window at ground level. Next, the lights should be dimmed and m.u.f.fled background music played. Many top restaurants have an open fireplace or facsimile near the entrance of the restaurant to recreate the fire that burned at the ancient cave feasts. It would be best to use a round table and to have your prospect's view of other people obscured by a screen or large green plant if you are to have a captive audience.

It is far easier to obtain a favourable decision under these circ.u.mstances than it will ever be in restaurants that have bright lighting, tables and chairs placed in open areas and the banging of plates, knives and forks. Top restaurants use these types of relaxation techniques to extract large amounts of money from their customer's wallets for ordinary food, and men have been using them for thousands of years to create a romantic atmosphere for the benefit of their women.

Seventeen.

Power Plays POWER PLAYS WITH CHAIRS.

Have you ever been for a job interview and felt overwhelmed or helpless when you sat in the visitor's chair? Where the interviewer seemed so big and overwhelming and you felt small and insignificant? It is likely that the interviewer had cunningly arranged his office furnishings to raise his own status and power and, in so doing, to lower yours. Certain strategies using chairs and seating arrangements can create this atmosphere in an office.

The factors involved in raising status and power by using chairs are: the size of the chair and its accessories, the height of the chair from the floor and the location of the chair relative to the other person.

Chair Size and Accessories The height of the back of the chair raises or lowers a person's status and the high-backed chair is a well-known example. The higher the back of the chair, the greater the power and status of the person sitting in it. Kings, queens, popes and other high-status people may have the back of their throne or official chair as high as 250 centimetres (over 8 feet) to show their status relative to their subjects; the senior executive has a high-backed leather chair and his visitor's chair has a low back.

Swivel chairs have more power and status than fixed chairs, allowing the user freedom of movement when he is placed under pressure. Fixed chairs allow little or no movement and this lack of movement is compensated by body gestures that can reveal a person's att.i.tudes and feelings. Chairs with arm rests, those that lean back and those that have wheels are better than chairs that have not.

Chair Height The acquisition of power using height was covered in Chapter 14 but it is worth noting that status is gained if your chair is adjusted higher off the floor than the other person's. Some advertising executives are known for sitting on high-backed chairs that are adjusted for maximum height while their visitors sit opposite, in the compet.i.tive position, on a sofa or chair that is so low that their eyes are level with the executive's desk (Figure 162). A common ploy is to have the ashtray just out of the visitor's reach, which forces him to be inconvenienced when ashing his cigarette.

Chair Location As mentioned in the chapter on seating arrangements, the most power is exerted on the visitor when his chair is placed in the compet.i.tive position. A common power play is to place the visitor's chair as far away as possible from the executive's desk into the social or public territory zone, which further reduces the visitor's status.

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STRATEGIC OFFICE LAYOUT.

Having read this book, you should now be able to arrange your office furniture in such a way as to have as much power, status or control over others as you wish. Here is a case study showing how we rearranged a person's office to help solve some of his supervisor/ employee relationship problems.

John, who was an employee in an insurance company, had been promoted to a manager's position and was given an office. After a few months in the role, John found that the other employees disliked dealing with him and his relationship with them was occasionally hostile, particularly when they were in his office. He found it difficult to get them to follow his instructions and guidance and he heard that they were talking about him behind his back. Our observations of John's plight revealed that the communication breakdowns were at their worst when the employees were in his office.

For the purpose of this exercise, we will ignore management skills and concentrate on the non-verbal aspects of the problem. Here is a summary of our observations and conclusions about John's office layout.

1. The visitor's chair was placed in the compet.i.tive position in relation to John.

2. The walls of the office were timber panels except for an outside window and a clear gla.s.s part.i.tion that looked into the general office area. This gla.s.s part.i.tion reduced John's status and could increase the power of a subordinate who was sitting in the visitor's chair because the other employees were directly behind him and could see what was happening.

3. John's desk had a solid front that hid the lower part of his body and prevented the subordinates observing many of John's gestures.

4. The visitor's chair was placed so that the visitor's back was to the open door.

5. John often sat in the both-hands-behind-head position (Figure 96) and in the leg-over-chair position (Figure 132) whenever a subordinate was in his office.

6. John had a swivel chair with a high back, arm rests and wheels. The visitor's chair was a plain low-backed chair with fixed legs and no arm rests.

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Considering that between 60 and 80 per cent of human communication is done nonverbally, it is obvious that these aspects of John's non-verbal communication spelt disaster. To rectify the problem the following rearrangements were made.

1. John's desk was placed in front of the gla.s.s part.i.tion, making his office appear bigger and allowing him to be visible to those who entered his office.

2. The 'hot seat' was placed in the comer position, making communication more open and allowing the corner to act as a partial barrier when necessary.

3. The gla.s.s part.i.tion was sprayed with a mirror finish, allowing John to see out, but not permitting others to see in. This raised John's status and created a more intimate atmosphere within his office.

4. A round coffee table with three identical swivel chairs was placed at the other end of the office to allow informal meetings to take place on an equal level.

5. In the original layout (Figure 163), John's desk gave half the table territory to the visitor and the revised layout (Figure 164) gave John complete claim to the desk top.

6. John practised relaxed open arms and legs gestures combined with frequent palm gestures when speaking with subordinates in his office.

The result was that supervisor/employee relationships improved and the employees began describing John as an easygoing and relaxed supervisor.

STATUS RAISERS.

Certain objects strategically placed around the office can be subtly used non-verbally to increase the status and power of the occupant. Some examples include: 1. Low sofas for visitors to sit on.

2. A telephone with a lock on it.

3. An expensive ashtray placed out of the reach of the visitor, causing him inconvenience when ashing his cigarette.

4. A cigarette container from overseas.

5. Some red folders left on the desk marked 'Strictly Confidential'.

6. A wall covered with photos, awards or qualifications that the occupant has received.

7. A slim briefcase with a combination lock. Large, bulky briefcases are carried by those who do all the work.

All that is needed to raise your status, increase your power and effectiveness with others is a little thought given to non-verbal gymnastics in your office or home. Unfortunately, most executive offices are arranged like the one in Figure 163; rarely is consideration given to the negative non-verbal signals that are unwittingly communicated to others.

We suggest that you study your own office layout and use the preceding information to make the positive changes needed.

Eighteen

Putting It All Together Communication through body language has been going on for over a million years but has only been scientifically studied to any extent in the last twenty years or so; it became popular during the 1970s. By the end of this century it will have been 'discovered' by people throughout the world and I predict that its impact and meaning in human communication will be part of formal education. This book has served as an introduction to body language and I encourage you to seek further knowledge through your own research and experience and through the examples given.

Ultimately, society will be your best research and testing ground. Conscious observation of your own actions and those of others is the best way for each person to gain a better understanding of the communication methods of the earth's most complex and interesting beast - man himself.

The remainder of this book is devoted to social and business situations and shows how gestures and body signals occur in cl.u.s.ters and the circ.u.mstances that may affect your interpretation. However, before you read the notes, study each picture sequence and see how many you can interpret through what you have read in this book. You will be amazed to find how much your perceptiveness has improved.

Cl.u.s.ters, Circ.u.mstances and Gestures in Daily Encounters Figure 165 A good example of an openness cl.u.s.ter. The palms are fully exposed in the submissive position and the fingers are spread wide to give more impact to the gesture. The head is in the neutral position and the arms and legs are apart. This man is communicating a submissive, non-threatening att.i.tude. A good example of an openness cl.u.s.ter. The palms are fully exposed in the submissive position and the fingers are spread wide to give more impact to the gesture. The head is in the neutral position and the arms and legs are apart. This man is communicating a submissive, non-threatening att.i.tude.

Figure 166 This is a cla.s.sic deceit cl.u.s.ter. As he rubs his eye he looks away towards the floor and both eyebrows are raised to the disbelief position. His head is turned away and down, showing a negative att.i.tude. He also has an insincere, tight-Tipped smile. This is a cla.s.sic deceit cl.u.s.ter. As he rubs his eye he looks away towards the floor and both eyebrows are raised to the disbelief position. His head is turned away and down, showing a negative att.i.tude. He also has an insincere, tight-Tipped smile.

Figure 167Inconsistency of gestures is obvious here. The man is smiling confidently as he crosses the room but one hand has crossed his body to play with his watch and form a partial arm barrier which shows that he is unsure of himself and/or his circ.u.mstances.

Figure 168 This woman disapproves of the person at whom she is looking. She has turned neither her head nor body toward him but is giving him a sideways glance with her head slightly down (disapproval), eyebrows slightly turned down (anger), a full arm-cross gesture (defensive) and the corners of her mouth are turned down. This woman disapproves of the person at whom she is looking. She has turned neither her head nor body toward him but is giving him a sideways glance with her head slightly down (disapproval), eyebrows slightly turned down (anger), a full arm-cross gesture (defensive) and the corners of her mouth are turned down.

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Figure 169 Dominance, superiority and territoriality are evident here. Both-hands-on-head shows a superior 'know-it-all' att.i.tude and feet-on-desk shows a territorial claim to it. To further highlight his status he has a high-status, leaning-back chair with wheels and he has a telephone with a lock on it. He is also sitting in the defensive/compet.i.tive position. Dominance, superiority and territoriality are evident here. Both-hands-on-head shows a superior 'know-it-all' att.i.tude and feet-on-desk shows a territorial claim to it. To further highlight his status he has a high-status, leaning-back chair with wheels and he has a telephone with a lock on it. He is also sitting in the defensive/compet.i.tive position.

Figure 170 The hands-on-hips gesture is used by the child to make herself appear larger and more threatening. The chin is jutting forward to show defiance and the mouth is opened wide to expose the teeth, just as animals do before they attack. The hands-on-hips gesture is used by the child to make herself appear larger and more threatening. The chin is jutting forward to show defiance and the mouth is opened wide to expose the teeth, just as animals do before they attack.

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Figure 171This cl.u.s.ter can be summed up in one word - negative. The folder has been used as a barrier and the arms and legs are folded due to nervousness or defensiveness. His coat is b.u.t.toned and his sungla.s.ses hide any eye or pupil signals. Much of his face is hidden by his beard, which gives him a suspicious appearance. Considering that people form 90 per cent of their opinion of someone in the first ninety seconds it is unlikely that this man will ever get to first base with another person.

Figure 172Both men are using aggressive and readiness gestures, the man on the left using the hands-on-hips gesture and the man on the right the thumbs-in-belt. The man on the left is less aggressive than the man on the right as he is leaning backwards and his body is pointing away from the man on the right. The man on the right, however, has a.s.sumed an intimidating pose by pointing his body directly at the other man. His facial expression is also consistent with his body gestures.

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Figure 173The man on the left is straddling his chair in an attempt to take control of the discussion or to dominate the man on the right. He is also using the direct body point at the man on the right. He has clenched fingers and his feet are locked together under his chair, showing a frustrated att.i.tude, which means that he is probably having difficulty in getting his point across. The man in the centre feels superior to the other two because of the hands-behind-head gesture he has taken. He also has the figure 4 leg lock position, meaning that he will compete or be argumentative. He has a high-status chair that swivels, leans back and has wheels and arm rests. The man on the right is seated on a low-status chair that has fixed legs and no accessories. His arms and legs are tightly crossed (defensive) and his head is down (hostile), indicating that he does not buy what he hears.

Figure 174The woman is displaying the cla.s.sic courtship gestures. She has one foot forward, pointing towards the man on the far left (interest), a combination of hand-on-hip and thumb-in-belt (s.e.xual readiness), her left wrist is exposed and she is blowing cigarette smoke upwards (confident; positive). She is also giving a sideways glance to the man on the far left and he is responding to her courtship gestures by adjusting his tie (preening) and pointing his foot at her. His head is up (interested). The man in the centre is obviously unimpressed with the other man as he has his body pointing away and is giving him an aggressive sideways glance. He has his palms out of sight and is blowing his cigarette smoke down (negative). He is also leaning against the wall (territorial aggression).

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Figure 175The man on the left is using superiority gestures and appears to have an arrogant att.i.tude towards the man sitting opposite. He is using the eye block signal as his brain attempts to block the other man from sight and his head is tilted back to 'look down his nose' at him. Defensiveness is also evident as his knees are held tightly together and he is holding his wine gla.s.s with both hands to form a barrier. The man in the middle has been excluded from the conversation as the other two men have not formed a triangle to include him. He does, however, seem quite aloof as shown by his thumbsin-waistcoat gesture (superiority), he is leaning back on his chair and is using a crotch display. His head is in the neutral position. The man on the right has heard enough and has taken the starter's position (ready to leave) and his foot and body are pointed toward the nearest exit. His eyebrows and the comers of his mouth are turned down, and his head is slightly down, all of which demonstrate disapproval.

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Figure 176The man on the left and the man on the right have taken the closed body formation to show the middle man that he is not accepted into the conversation. The middle man's att.i.tude shows superiority and sarcasm and he is using the lapel-grasping gesture with a thumb-up (superiority) plus a thumb-point gesture toward the man on his left (ridicule) who has responded defensively with crossed legs and aggressively with the upper-arm grip gesture (self-control) and side-ways glance. The man on the left of this sequence is also unimpressed with the middle man's att.i.tude. He has crossed legs (defensive) palm-in-pocket (unwilling to partic.i.p.ate) and is looking at the floor while using the pain-in-neck gesture.

Figure 177This sequence also shows a tense atmosphere. All three men are sitting back in their chairs to keep the maximum distance from each other. The man on the right is causing the problem because of his negative gesture cl.u.s.ter. As he is speaking he is using the nose touch gesture (deceit) and his right arm has crossed his body to make a partial arm barrier (defensive). His lack of concern about the other men's opinions is shown by the leg-over-chair gesture and his body is pointed away from them. The man on the left disapproves of what the man on the right has to say as he is using the lint-picking gesture (disapproval), his legs are crossed (defensive) and pointed away (uninterested). The man in the middle would like to say something but is holding back his opinion, shown by his selfrestraint gesture of gripping the arms of the chair and locked ankles. He has also issued a non-verbal challenge to the man on the right by pointing his body at him.

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Figure 178In this scene the man on the left and the woman have mirrored each other's gestures and are forming 'bookends' on the couch. The couple are very interested in each other and have positioned their hands in such a way that they can expose their wrists and they have crossed their legs toward one another. The man in the middle has a tightlipped smile which can make him appear interested in what the other man has to say but it is not consistent with his other facial and body gestures. His head is down (disapproval) his eyebrows are also down (anger) and he is giving the other man a sideways glance. In addition to this, his arms and legs are tightly crossed (defensive), all indicating that he has a very negative att.i.tude.

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Figure 179The man on the left is using an excellent gesture cl.u.s.ter to convey openness and honesty - exposed palms, foot forward, head up, coat unb.u.t.toned, arms and legs apart, leaning forward and smiling gestures. Unfortunately for him, however, his story is not going across. The woman is sitting back in her chair with her legs crossed away (defensive), she has a partial arm-barrier (defensive), a clenched fist (hostile), head down and is using the critical evaluation gesture (hand to face). The man in the middle is using the raised steeple gesture, indicating that he feels confident or superior, and he is sitting in the figure 4 leg position, showing that his att.i.tude is compet.i.tive or argumentative. We a.s.sume that his overall att.i.tude is negative, as he is sitting back, his head down.