Bliss Part 7

"No milk, thank you, and no sugar."

I went over for mine like a little gentleman. She poured out another cup.

"That's for d.i.c.k."

And the faithful fox-terrier carried it across to him and laid it at his feet, as it were.

"Oh, thanks," said d.i.c.k.

And then I went back to my chair and she sank back in hers.

But d.i.c.k was off again. He stared wildly at the cup of tea for a moment, glanced round him, put it down on the bed-table, caught up his hat, and stammered at full gallop: "Oh, by the way, do you mind posting a letter for me? I want to get it off by tonight's post. I must. It's very urgent...." Feeling her eyes on him, he flung: "It's to my mother." To me: "I won't be long. I've got everything I want. But it must go off tonight. You don't mind? It ... it won't take any time."

"Of course I'll post it. Delighted."

"Won't you drink your tea first?" suggested Mouse softly.

... Tea? Tea? Yes, of course. Tea.... A cup of tea on the bed-table... . In his racing dream he flashed the brightest, most charming smile at his little hostess.

"No, thanks. Not just now."

And still hoping it would not be any trouble to me he went out of the room and closed the door, and we heard him cross the pa.s.sage.

I scalded myself with mine in my hurry to take the cup back to the table and to say as I stood there: "You must forgive me if I am impertinent ... if I am too frank. But d.i.c.k hasn't tried to disguise it--has he? There is something the matter. Can I help?"

(Soft music. Mouse gets up, walks the stage for a moment or so before she returns to her chair and pours him out, oh, such a br.i.m.m.i.n.g, such a burning cup that the tears come into the friend's eyes while he sips--while he drains it to the bitter dregs.... ) I had time to do all this before she replied. First she looked in the teapot, filled it with hot water, and stirred it with a spoon.

"Yes, there is something the matter. No, I'm afraid you can't help, thank you." Again I got that glimmer of a smile. "I'm awfully sorry. It must be horrid for you."

Horrid, indeed! Ah, why couldn't I tell her that it was months and months since I had been so entertained?

"But you are suffering," I ventured softly, as though that was what I could not bear to see.

She didn't deny it. She nodded and bit her under-lip and I thought I saw her chin tremble.

"And there is really nothing I can do?" More softly still.

She shook her head, pushing back the table, and jumped up.

"Oh, it will be all right soon," she breathed, walking over to the dressing-table and standing with her back towards me. "It will be all right. It can't go on like this."

"But of course it can't," I agreed, wondering whether it would look heartless if I lit a cigarette; I had a sudden longing to smoke.

In some way she saw my hand move to my breast pocket, half draw out my cigarette case, and put it back again, for the next thing she said was: "Matches ... in ... candestick. I noticed them."

And I heard from her voice that she was crying.

"Ah! thank you. Yes. Yes. I've found them." I lighted my cigarette and walked up and down, smoking.

It was so quiet it might have been two o'clock in the morning. It was so quiet you heard the boards creak and pop as one does in a house in the country. I smoked the whole cigarette and stabbed the end into my saucer before Mouse turned round and came back to the table.

"Isn't d.i.c.k being rather a long time?"

"You are very tired. I expect you want to go to bed," I said kindly. (And pray don't mind me if you do, said my mind.) "But isn't he being a very long time?" she insisted.

I shrugged. "He is, rather."

Then I saw she looked at me strangely. She was listening.

"He's been gone ages," she said, and she went with little light steps to the door, opened it, and crossed the pa.s.sage into his room.

I waited. I listened too, now. I couldn't have borne to miss a word. She had left the door open. I stole across the room and looked after her. d.i.c.k's door was open, too. But--there wasn't a word to miss.

You know I had the mad idea that they were kissing in that quiet room--a long comfortable kiss. One of those kisses that not only puts one's grief to bed, but nurses it and warms it and tucks it up and keeps it fast enfolded until it is sleeping sound. Ah! how good that is.

It was over at last. I heard someone move and tiptoed away.

It was Mouse. She came back. She felt her way into the room carrying a letter for me. But it wasn't in an envelope; it was just a sheet of paper and she held it by the corner as though it was still wet.

Her head was bent so low--so tucked in her furry collar that I hadn't a notion--until she let the paper fall and almost fell herself on to the floor by the side of the bed, leaned her cheek against it, flung out her hands as though the last of her poor little weapons was gone and now she let herself be carried away, washed out into the deep water.

Flash! went my mind. d.i.c.k has shot himself, and then a succession of flashes while I rushed in, saw the body, head unharmed, small blue hole over temple, roused hotel, arranged funeral, attended funeral, closed cab, new morning coat....

I stooped down and picked up the paper and would you believe it--so ingrained is my Parisian sense of comme il faut -- I murmured "pardon" before I read it.

"MOUSE, MY LITTLE MOUSE, It's no good. It's impossible. I can't see it through. Oh, I do love you. I do love you, Mouse, but I can't hurt her. People have been hurting her all her life. I simply dare not give her this final blow. You see, though she's stronger than both of us, she's so frail and proud. It would kill her--kill her, Mouse. And, oh G.o.d, I can't kill my mother! Not even for you. Not even for us. You do see that--don't you.

It all seemed so possible when we talked and planned, but the very moment the train started it was all over. I felt her drag me back to her-- calling. I can hear her now as I write. And she's alone and she doesn't know. A man would have to be a devil to tell her and I'm not a devil, Mouse. She mustn't know. Oh, Mouse, somewhere, somewhere in you don't you agree? It's all so unspeakably awful that I don't know if I want to go or not. Do I? Or is Mother just dragging me? I don't know. My head is too tired. Mouse, Mouse--what will you do? But I can't think of that, either. I dare not. I'd break down. And I must not break down. All I've got to do is--just to tell you this and go. I couldn't have gone off without telling you. You'd have been frightened. And you must not be frightened. You won't--will you? I can't bear--but no more of that. And don't write. I should not have the courage to answer your letters and the sight of your spidery handwriting-- Forgive me. Don't love me any more. Yes. Love me. Love me. d.i.c.k."

What do you think of that? Wasn't that a rare find? My relief at his not having shot himself was mixed with a wonderful sense of elation. I was even--more than even with my "that's very curious and interesting" Englishman....

She wept so strangely. With her eyes shut, with her face quite calm except for the quivering eyelids. The tears pearled down her cheeks and she let them fall.

But feeling my glance upon her she opened her eyes and saw me holding the letter.

"You've read it?"

Her voice was quite calm, but it was not her voice any more. It was like the voice you might imagine coming out of a tiny, cold sea-sh.e.l.l swept high and dry at last by the salt tide....

I nodded, quite overcome, you understand, and laid the letter down.

"It's incredible! incredible! " I whispered.

At that she got up from the floor, walked over to the washstand, dipped her handkerchief into the jug, and sponged her eyes, saying: "Oh, no. It's not incredible at all." And still pressing the wet ball to her eyes she came back to me, to her chair with the lace tabs, and sank into it.

"I knew all along, of course," said the cold, salty little voice. "From the very moment that we started. I felt it all through me, but I still went on hoping"--and here she took the handkerchief down and gave me a final glimmer--"as one so stupidly does, you know."

"As one does."

Silence.

"But what will you do? You'll go back? You'll see him?"

That made her sit right up and stare across at me.

"What an extraordinary idea!" she said, more coldly than ever. "Of course I shall not dream of seeing him. As for going back--that is quite out of the question. I can't go back."

"But..."

"It's impossible. For one thing all my friends think I am married."

I put out my hand--"Ah, my poor little friend."

But she shrank away. (False move.) Of course there was one question that had been at the back of my mind all this time. I hated it.

"Have you any money?"

"Yes, I have twenty pounds--here," and she put her hand on her breast. I bowed. It was a great deal more than I had expected.

"And what are your plans?"

Yes, I know. My question was the most clumsy, the most idiotic one I could have put. She had been so tame, so confiding, letting me, at any rate spiritually speaking, hold her tiny quivering body in one hand and stroke her furry head--and now, I'd thrown her away. Oh, I could have kicked myself.

She stood up. "I have no plans. But--it's very late. You must go now, please."

How could I get her back? I wanted her back. I swear I was not acting then.

"Do you feel that I am your friend," I cried. "You will let me come tomorrow, early? You will let me look after you a little--take care of you a little? You'll use me just as you think fit?"

I succeeded. She came out of her hole ... timid ... but she came out.

"Yes, you're very kind. Yes. Do come tomorrow. I shall be glad. It makes things rather difficult because"--and again I clasped her boyish hand--"je ne parle pas francais. "

Not until I was half-way down the boulevard did it come over me--the full force of it.

Why, they were suffering... those two ... really suffering. I have seen two people suffer as I don't suppose I ever shall again....

Of course you know what to expect. You antic.i.p.ate, fully, what I am going to write. It wouldn't be me, otherwise.

I never went near the place again.

Yes, I still owe that considerable amount for lunches and dinners, but that's beside the mark. It's vulgar to mention it in the same breath with the fact that I never saw Mouse again.

Naturally, I intended to. Started out--got to the door--wrote and tore up letters--did all those things. But I simply could not make the final effort.

Even now I don't fully understand why. Of course I knew that I couldn't have kept it up. That had a great deal to do with it. But you would have thought, putting it at its lowest, curiosity couldn't have kept my fox-terrier nose away ...

Je ne parle pas francais. That was her swan song for me.

But how she makes me break my rule. Oh, you've seen for yourself, but I could give you countless examples.

... Evenings, when I sit in some gloomy cafZ, and an automatic piano starts playing a "mouse" tune (there are dozens of tunes that evoke just her) I begin to dream things like...

A little house on the edge of the sea, somewhere far, far away. A girl outside in a frock rather like Red Indian women wear, hailing a light, barefoot boy who runs up from the beach.

"What have you got?"

"A fish." I smile and give it to her.

... The same girl, the same boy, different costumes--sitting at an open window, eating fruit and leaning out and laughing.

"All the wild strawberries are for you, Mouse. I won't touch one."

... A wet night. They are going home together under an umbrella. They stop on the door to press their wet cheeks together.

And so on and so on until some dirty old gallant comes up to my table and sits opposite and begins to grimace and yap. Until I hear myself saying: "But I've got the little girl for you, mon vieux. So little... so tiny." I kiss the tips of my fingers and lay them upon my heart. "I give you my word of honour as a gentleman, a writer, serious, young, and extremely interested in modern English literature."

I must go. I must go. I reach down my coat and hat. Madame knows me. "You haven't dined yet?" she smiles.

"No, not yet, Madame."

BLISS.

ALTHOUGH Bertha Young was thirty she still had moments like this when she wanted to run instead of walk, to take dancing steps on and off the pavement, to bowl a hoop, to throw something up in the air and catch it again, or to stand still and laugh at--nothing--at nothing, simply.

What can you do if you are thirty and, turning the corner of your own street, you are overcome, suddenly by a feeling of bliss--absolute bliss!--as though you'd suddenly swallowed a bright piece of that late afternoon sun and it burned in your bosom, sending out a little shower of sparks into every particle, into every finger and toe? ...

Oh, is there no way you can express it without being "drunk and disorderly" ? How idiotic civilisation is! Why be given a body if you have to keep it shut up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle?

"No, that about the fiddle is not quite what I mean," she thought, running up the steps and feeling in her bag for the key--she'd forgotten it, as usual--and rattling the letter-box. "It's not what I mean, because--Thank you, Mary"--she went into the hall. "Is nurse back?"

"Yes, M'm."

"And has the fruit come?"

"Yes, M'm. Everything's come."

"Bring the fruit up to the dining-room, will you? I'll arrange it before I go upstairs."

It was dusky in the dining-room and quite chilly. But all the same Bertha threw off her coat; she could not bear the tight clasp of it another moment, and the cold air fell on her arms.

But in her bosom there was still that bright glowing place--that shower of little sparks coming from it. It was almost unbearable. She hardly dared to breathe for fear of fanning it higher, and yet she breathed deeply, deeply. She hardly dared to look into the cold mirror--but she did look, and it gave her back a woman, radiant, with smiling, trembling lips, with big, dark eyes and an air of listening, waiting for something... divine to happen ... that she knew must happen ... infallibly.