Bitter Is The New Black Part 34

164Lie. I've had one a.s.signment and no other temp agency even wants to talk to me.

165Lie. But, actually, that would be kind of cool.

166Sucking up never hurts.

167Lie, again. At this point, I DO NOT CARE. I just need a job, any job.

168If I mentioned to Ickey that I flunked out after my soph.o.m.ore year, I'd sound less credible.

169Yes, I'm lying again, but we're talking life or death at this point.

170Or, rather, begging for them.

171Scarlett O'Hara and her old curtains have nothing on me.

172Where I used to be a vice president, if I hadn't already mentioned it.

173I'm thinking I should do well here.

174So I'm not a VP anymore and the money isn't huge. However, it will allow me to buy groceries and Fletch's antidepressants, so I'm pretty d.a.m.n thankful.

175I try to keep the swearing to a minimum while I'm in the kitchen.

176Given Maisy's penchant for chewing, we go to the doggie ER a LOT. The vet techs have taken to greeting us with "What'd she eat today?"

177Man's best friend, my a.s.s.

178No, I don't know what's gotten into me lately, either.

179Although they also erected a big fence approximately a foot over our property line. Now going out the side door is like shooting out the birth ca.n.a.l.

180Which is POLAND, not Russia, and likely why the Russian curses my friend Roadie taught me didn't produce the desired effect.

181He hates my "guess what's" almost as much as my "we have to talk's."

182Once we were sitting at the counter at the Salt & Pepper Diner when a bunch of vegans walked in. They all ordered veggie burgers, and we watched the short order cook grill them in a big puddle of bacon grease. We died laughing when we heard them all exclaiming about how delicious the burgers were.

183Getting a contact buzz on paint fumes is an added bonus.

184My day was nothing a fistful of Xanax couldn't cure, but I ran out of them ages ago, so I had an ice-cream bar instead. OK, two ice-cream bars. And some cookies. And a bag of Skittles.

185I have no proof of this, but I probably don't need to remind you that it is, in fact, generally all about me.

186At least in Bucktown our amorous neighbors had the decency to wait until sundown and turned on some music.

187I wonder if she was sitting on phone books to see over the dashboard. My guess is yes.

188He's there all the time. We call him Wavski Gravski.

189Even in my state, I can't help but notice that Maisy smells like Fritos. What's up with that?

190I don't think he's Captain Honesty because of any great moral obligation. Rather, his short-term memory stinks, so it's easier to just be truthful.

191My college nickname. My brother was Blaster. For almost a year, one of my best friends in the fraternity didn't know my real name.

192Or at least appeared to be in my young mind.

193And shortly thereafter discovered the joys of overcompensation.

194The dirty hippies have permanently ruined the Beatles for me. Thanks a lot, a.s.sholes.

195Thank G.o.d, our dry cleaner was able to let out the seams, or else I'd feel like a sausage.

196Which totally smells like Dreamsicles.

197I still say it was a mistake anyone could have made. They were in a pretty box from a Las Vegas hotel! What kid wouldn't like them?

198She is on the mend and can go twelve hours without her pain meds, thus proving that she's far tougher than I will ever be. Case in point, Fletch once had to confiscate the pills I got when I injured my back. Apparently when he heard me singing the "I-Like-O-Din Vicodin" song, he determined that my usage had become more recreational than medicinal.

199As soon as the youngest one turns ten, I'm teaching them all to smoke and swear.

200Mom.

201Dad.

202Todd.

203Vanilla Ice WAS groundbreaking-so there.

204I use the term help very loosely.

205Whoever said, "Children need choices," deserves a swift kick in the a.s.s.

206Yeah, sure. Who leaves the country for a whole month? He probably got some cheesy reality show gig.

207You'd be surprised at the amount of lease law a gal can learn when researching loopholes in eviction proceedings.

208 Dear G.o.d, I can only hope the ring bearer stayed out of our way.

209Yes, I was the only person dancing.

210$4026 times a year = Merry Christmas!

211Canada can keep Bryan Adams.

212I think it's obvious at this point that I haven't learned a d.a.m.n thing.

end.